Looking back: BPD relationship perspective

Contributed by David

This week I scheduled an 'in between' therapy session because I realized that all I have been doing is focusing on my ex and being frustrated with how I have been obsessing over her and not being able to allow myself to move on. Part of this I think is because of the lack of closure that usually results when the relationship with the borderline ends (not to say that it's not hard when a 'normal' relationship ends) due to the open endedness (push/pull) that one expereinces that puts a real emotional strain on you. I believe part of it has to do with coming to the realization of why the borderline relationship was dysfuntional for both parties and how it really only met the fantasized perceptions of both involved. In other words it probably was based upon very little if any realities even though it may have felt like it was when you were so enmeshed in it.

I'd like to share some truths about my 2 year dysfuntional relationship I have come to realize below and while many are very painful to let go of the fantasy I must admit them in order to move on. I've bolded the ones that have a deeper meaning for me and underlined ones that I especially need to focus on.

uBPDxgf served me with a restraining order, claiming I had assaulted her (I had to restrain her in one instance because she wouldn't allow me to leave the house and attacked me repeatedly, not to mention stomping my laptop tp pieces and throwing my cell against the wall) and left out the other 2 police reports that all happened in that week. She claimed she was fearful of me because of that event, despite having gotten back together with me 2 months later and being with me for another 3. The event she cited literally occurred 10 months before she filed the HRO. Then she posted on her facebook account notifying all her/our friends that I had been served, I'm sure the response she received from some of them only reinforced her own distorted thinking.

I allowed myself to be used by my uBPDxgf

I was lied to by my uBPDxgf

The good memories with uBPDxgf were merely fleeting glimpses of a soul-less human being, who has no identity.
uBPDxgf has no identity.

uBPDxgf will be whomever, wherever, whenever in exchange for acceptance.
uBPDxgf is incapable of adult emotions and will never be capable of them.

uBPDxgf will be miserable, confused, empty, and in pain for her entire life. No one can do anything about this.

Any glimpses of normalcy or "happiness" in uBPDxgf were not real, are not real and will never be real.
uBPDxgf is incapable of intimacy

uBPDxgf is mentally ill and a pill cannot "fix" her illness.

The fun memories with uBPDxgf were a result of her desire to be accepted - not a reflection of who she really is. She does not know who she really is never will.

uBPDxgf is incapable of reciprocating a healthy love.

I was on object to provide life to the bottomless pit of emotional needs to uBPDxgf and am no different than many others and there has/will be other men.

I could have/can do nothing more to help/fix uBPDxgf

Two full years of my life was lost in the dance with uBPDxgf

I was, am, and will always be viewed as an object (much like an emotional dildo) to uBPDxgf
uBPDxgf does not think about me daily.

uBPDxgf hates me and blames me as part of the cause of her pain.

uBPDxgf is in denial and therefore will likely never control her BPD.

uBPDxgf took great pleasure inflicting pain on me, because she felt I deserved it.

uBPDxgf will always feel that I deserved her punishment.

uBPDxgf was, is, and will always be nothing more than a mirage.
Because I believed she was my "soulmate", I contributed and perpetuated this mirage.

I will never have intimate sex with uBPDxgf
uBPDxgf has allowed and will continue to allow other men to do to her sexually what she denied me - because I cared for her and they didn't/don't.
uBPDxgf will never acknowledge the compassion and love I showed her.

uBPDxgf is very sexually attractive but I will never have sex with her.

I will never get closure in the traditional sense of the word from uBPDxgf
uBPDxgf is incapable of knowing/acknowledging/understanding how much agony she inflicted upon me.

uBPDxgf has only apologized once and did not know what she was apologizing for.

If uBPDxgf ever apologizes to me in the future, it is not sincere and only an attempt to get me back so she can punish me.
uBPDxgf mimicked me and I believed it was real.

It was not real. YIKES that hurts the most!
uBPDxgf was pursuing and having sex with several other men while telling me I was special.
uBPDxgf thinks that I deserved this.uBPDxgf put me through emotional/psychological hell while being sexually ravaged by random men who did not care for her during our breakups and then shared those details with me when we were together.

uBPDxgf will never sincerely acknowledge or apologize for what she did to me.

uBPDxgf told everyone that I abandoned her, lied to her, and emotionally abused her.
uBPDxgf emotionally violated and degraded me.

I stooped below my integrity to get uBPDxgf "back".

uBPDxgf exploited my weaknesses because she thought I deserved it.

I have spent countless hours in therapy, in meditation, in agony, writing, in support groups because of uBPDxgf.

uBPDxgf would be indifferent or delighted if she read about my pain.

uBPDxgf has not spent more time thinking of me than it took to send 5 cryptic text messages intended to curtail my disengagement.

uBPDxgf is sick and it is not her fault, but it is her responsibility and the only person on this planet that can save her is her.

If uBPDxgf tries to get back into my life or communicate with me, it is only because she has exhausted all her other options at the moment and it will not last for longer than a couple of months. The ‘honeymoon’ period will be even shorter before the chaos begins again.

Restraining Orders and BPDs

Some use them like candy. They get restraining orders on their partners regularly because of their black and white thinking. Many of the more advanced borderline personality disordered will have a number of restraining orders on others and themselves.


Why Restraining Orders?
Borderlines have such black and white thinking that you are either good or bad in their minds -- you are either evil and out to do them wrong, or you are their savior. Ironically, these thoughts about a single person could almost co-exist inside a person.

Once the BPD splits and views you as all bad in the moment, they will do everything that they can to get you out of their life. Remember that borderline personality is a chronic feeling of emptiness, so getting you out of their life also becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy.

One time, I asked the BPD that I was involved with, "what happens if I actually leave when you have one of these episodes?"

She responded with, "I always thought that's what I deserve, to be alone."

You can't have a normal, fully functional relationship with someone who thinks that they deserve to be alone. Given a borderline's instability and their self-loathing, this could come out in a number of harmful ways.

A true borderline continually plays the victim role. They have to be the victim of someone, something, constantly. As the partner of a borderline, they will be the victim of you.

Protect Yourself
If you are (or were) in a relationship with a borderline, you need to be aware of the restraining order trap and steer clear of it. The problem with a borderline relationship is that things can get so bad so quickly, and you don't know when it is going to happen, that you can find yourself in a terrible situation with very little notice.

Watch for the following warning signs when dealing with a borderline:

• Threatening to contact the police: Many times these are false claims that are again trying to play the victim. However, they could be real, and I'd recommend staying away from anyone who wants to call the police. I know, you can usually calm them down. It's not your job, and you need to maintain your self dignity. Leave any situation where the borderline is threatening to call the police.
• Physical violence: When an extreme fight breaks out, the borderline may hit, kick or scratch at you. At this point, your body's fight or flight responses take over as adrenaline rushes through your veins. DO NOT FIGHT. WALK AWAY. I can't stress this enough. Even if the borderline hit you square in the face, once you throw a punch, you may be defending yourself to the police or a judge. Walk away. You don't want to be with someone who is physically violent with you.
• Beginning to play the victim role, of you: Follow me here. Once the borderline starts to become the victim of you and your actions, your world will be turmoil. I'm taking a leap here as I personally stayed involved with the borderline as she tried to be the victim of me over and over again, but maybe you'll be smarter than me. Believe me, in the long run, it's better. You don't want to be with someone that views you so poorly, even if they also idealize you. In the end, they don't treat you well, and you can find someone that treats you better.
  

What To Do If Someone Has Filed A Restraining Order Against You
First, get an attorney to defend you. Get the best attorney that you can afford as they will provide you with sound legal advice. I'm not an attorney and don't play one on TV, so I don't want to overstep my advice here.

Defend yourself to the fullest extent that you can. Be sure to have no contact with the borderline if at all possible. If children are involved, of course, you'll need to work through this.

You don't want to be with someone who is threatening to call the police on you, filing restraining orders, being physically violent or treating you like you're a terrible person that's out to victimize them. You can find people that will treat you well -- I promise.

If you feel you must stay in a relationship with someone who treats you so poorly, be sure to have boundaries before things ever escalate. Know when and what will make you walk away from a particular situation, and try to stick to those boundaries.