The Me Project Revived: Time for New Beginnings

 It's amazing how life changes and you evolve, but you're still the same old you. I've been out of the relationship that started this blog nearly 20 years. 20 years ago I was just falling in love, just moving in, I had just gotten divorced, and I was just moving in. I was having three hour talks, explaining to her how I loved her, I didn't do what she accused, I was only into her, and more, every night. It's amazing thinking about it. Looking back, I was so young, so naive, so willing to prove my love.

Now that I'm older, I've gotten wiser, not necessarily smarter, maybe a little more in touch with myself. I've been married 15 years, in a relationship for nearly 20 (after this relationship ended, I met my future wife but took it slowly), and have developed a love of life. I still have issues and challenges, but as you get older, you become more content overall and hopefully comfortable with yourself. 

So the Me Project Continues. I've been doing quite a bit of work on it, publishing a book focused on the recovery steps that I started here. I'm also moving the Me Project to Substack as the platform has new capabilities and will help with reviving the project. Here's the Substack site: Give me a little bit to get it fully up and running, but I plan on publishing weekly: 

Substack: https://djmercer1.substack.com/

Want to see the first culmination of all this work? You can buy the book that I wrote, Recovering Yourself from a Toxic Relationship: 

https://www.amazon.com/Recovering-Yourself-Toxic-Relationship-Project/

The ride continues.

BPD Relationship Recovery: Does it ever conclude?

    It's been so many years since my relationship with the borderline ended -- over 10 years at this point. Over the years, the BPD continues to be involved in my life in many ways, which I will discuss later in this post. You can recover from a relationship with a person suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder, but the person, or those suffering from mental illness, may not ever be completely out of your life.

    There were reasons why you let the person who is suffering from borderline personality disorder come into your life. It may have been the place in life where you were when you met the person. It may be your upbringing, and maybe you were brought up, and therefore quite accepting, with a person who had characteristics that were similar or the same as those suffering from borderline personality disorder. It could possibly be that you were predisposed to join a relationship with someone suffering from BPD because of so many other reasons; most likely a combination of factors as well.

    Over the years since I have been in the relationship with the person who most likely had borderline personality disorder, many things have happened where the borderline was pulled back into my life. She called the police on me and accused me of doing various things. This included sending SPAM emails to her and breaking into her computer, as well as slashing the tires on her vehicle and breaking into her vehicle and slashing the leather on her seat. After speaking with the police and requesting that the police ensure that these accusations never occur again, any accusations stopped.

    The borderline continues to inject herself into life in various ways. My wife and stepdaughter saw her at a restaurant as the borderline sat almost next to them a couple of years ago. I was traveling and received a picture of the borderline, asking if this was her. Yep, it sure was. She had aged significantly (I have aged too, however, borderlines often look quite jagged as their stresses age them), appeared to have had some type of plastic surgery like botox or something, and continued to have anxiety, based on the conversation that my wife could hear her talking to her friend about. I now think about what I accepted and what I would let the borderline say about me, and I'm amazed. The person that I am now would never let anyone ever accuse me of doing the things that she accused me; I am a man of integrity and would never even think, let alone act, the way that she accused me.

    

Does BPD Relationship Recovery Conclude?

    You can recover from a relationship with a borderline and feel whole again. I personally feel like I live a blessed life, and I am amazed at what an amazing life I'm living. I appreciate my current relationship, my career, my personal and professional relationships, and so much of my life. The relationship with the borderline is part of me, made me into the person that I am today, and will continue to be part of me. I still look back, fondly on the good parts, and as a reminder of what I would never accept again for the bad ones. They were so acute that they stand out and are almost comical, but they still serve as a reminder. 

Five Years (Written Many Years Ago - 2013

I recently celebrated an anniversary of sorts -- five years of no contact with the BPD. That's right, it's been five years since I have been in that relationship.

Ironically, there are still things that still haunt me about her. I still watch out for her over my back, particularly when I'm in the mall or other places where she used to frequent. More on that in future posts.

You Can Live a Normal Life After a BPD Relationship

After living in the crazy world of the borderline, you can go back to normal. It may take you time to heal (and you may suffer some Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), but you can get back to normal.

One of the most important parts of getting back to normal is severing as much contact as possible. Depending on the borderline and the severity of their illness, keeping contact with them can become a large liability.

At the end of the relationship, the borderline that I was dating was beginning to get violent. Not only that, there were times that, during an argument, she threatened calling the police if I came over.

The last thing that I want is to get involved with the law over a relationship. It becomes a game of 'she said, he said,' which ultimately is no win.

Ironically, I got a phone call from the police recently where she had contacted them accusing me of breaking into her computer, cyberstalking her and posting things using her Facebook account. She also accused me of breaking into her vehicle and marking up her seats. This had evidently not been the first time that she had contacted the police as they said that the year before, she accused me of slashing her tires.

Just so we're clear, at this point, I had been in a serious relationship and actually had married as well. I wonder what my wife would think it I had actually done this.

I actually went to the police station and had to issue a statement to these allegations. I asked the officer what I needed to do to make sure that these kinds of allegations did not continue. He politely informed me that he suspected that they would stop at this point. They have (this was in 2013).

Post script -- it's now 2017 (nearly 10 years after the relationship) -- I haven't heard from her at all. Things can get back to normal, but it does take time. 

The Road and Travels Continue

It's been a number of years since I contributed to this post as my life has moved on, and for the most part, I have recovered from the relationship. It took time, it was very painful, it required counseling, but it can be done. For those of you that are just getting out, I have felt your pain, and it hurts, no matter what you do. The good part of it is that you can get through it, and the pain will get easier, and will eventually go away.

I've written many of the insights that I'm about to discuss here, but they are worth repeating. First and foremost, make sure that you actually feel the pain. Don't bury the pain in alcohol or exercise (although my opinion is that you can't exercise too much) or another partner, as the pain needs to come out, and it will come out eventually in some ways.

Just as important, when you're ready to heal, you're going to need to do the work. This most likely means seeing a professional to understand what drew you to the borderline and how you got sucked in. I know that the borderline offered a lot of things to me that I had never had before and a (false) sense of security, so I fell hook, line and sinker.

You'll also have to be willing to make changes in yourself, which can be the most challenging. It's always someone else's fault - to harbor that blame and make healthy changes is difficult and requires commitment.

I'll try to periodically post as I continue my journey. Use this site as a stepping board to move on in your life. Show the healthy side of things and where you can go. Let's make the site a place where we can show the amazing things that you can do after living through a relationship with a borderline!

Red Flag Perfume

I was watching NBC's Saturday Night Live recently and saw a faux commercial called "Red Flag." It most definitely typifies the BPD persona -- when you watch it, it's quite funny and puts things in perspective.

As you recover from your relationship with the BPD in your life, be sure to keep laughing, and keep life in perspective. You're alive, you've survived, now you need to thrive. A BPD in your life makes thriving quite difficult, as you need to keep providing them with boundaries that they are going to continually violate.

Enjoy the journey, and keep laughing.