The Me Project Evolves

I'm happy to say that I continue to move forward with the Me Project, but I'm now thinking that, like I've said before, the Me Project has become the Us Project.

Along the lines of the Relationship Recovery Steps, I'm about to cover the next topic, which is Start Your Own Me Project. In this step, I'll begin to cover the ways to do this and will provide you with tools to do this. In the future, look for:
- Forums
- Customizable pages for your own Me Project
- A community where we can all recover from our BPD relationship
- More support in the form of guides, helpful tips and community testimony

The Me Project may be moving to a new website as well that can support these more heavy-duty technologies and tools that will better enable you to deal with Borderline Personality Disorder.

This new site will be much more challenging for you. You'll have to do more than just read posts -- you'll be required to participate in discussions, answer questions, and track your growth as you work through your recovery issues.

You're about to rebuild your life, or continue rebuilding your life. Get ready.

Let me know what you think -- send me a comment or email me. Are you ready? Do you want to do this? This will all start in the next month, so get ready as the Me Project/Us Project evolves into a new way for us to recover.

BPD and Your Career

So, you want to have a successful career and be with someone suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder?

This may be more of a challenge than you can imagine. I can tell you first-hand.

The BPD Must Be The Primary Focus of Your Life -- Always

You have someone in your life that demands that they be the primary focus of your life. You want to dedicate enough time in your life to your career so you can get ahead and do well.

You have a conflict.

If you don't address the conflict, the BPD will wreak havoc on your career. By nature someone afflicted with Borderline Personality Disorder demands that you focus on them. You need to pay them attention at every turn, so if you pay attention to them, they will:

• Call you and fight with you while you are working
• Accuse you of doing terrible things while working
• Accuse you of having affairs with people at work, be them the opposite or the same sex
• Bring the turmoil of your relationship to your workplace, any way that they can.

My ex BPD was the worst at this. She did all of the above, including actually kicking me out of the house when I was at work and when I was traveling. She was so insecure, so afraid, so Borderline that she couldn't handle me being at work and focusing on something else. 

Looking back, I feel bad for how badly she must have felt to go to such extremes. If you knew me (read the blog and you'll get a feeling for who I am and what I'm about), I am the opposite of what the borderline projected onto me. That's why I was such a perfect fit for her insanity. I refused to accept it, which was the perfect game for the borderline -- and for me.

Lunch Together Still Isn't Enough

The BPD distrusted me so much -- she didn't believe that I was a good person -- so much that I eventually asked her to have lunch with me most every day. She would come pick me up from work and take me to lunch. I usually bought us both lunch, spending nearly $20 a day on our lunch (I don't have that kind of money, but I spent it).

Regardless, she still was suspicious. She still accused me of cheating on her, she still accused me of calling her at 3:00 "just to screw with her," and did a number of other things like this. 

Bottom line: You can't have a successful career and have a relationship with someone that has Borderline Personality Disorder.

The Constant BPD Accusations

One time, when she was traveling and I wasn't having lunch with her, her sister said that she saw me in one place, when I wasn't there (this was during lunchtime). The BPD started a huge fight with me when I told her that I wasn't there, accusing me of cheating on her and lying to her about being at a certain place. These were all within 1/2 mile of each other.

She tried to pin me down so much that she demanded that I tell her my whereabouts. I eventually went to the bank and asked them to furnish another copy of my ATM receipt to prove that I was not where her sister said I was. Then, when I gave her the receipt, she told me that the time was wrong.

Still Healing from BPD Abuse

Even though I am years out of this relationship, thinking back about this makes me realize how much this kind of treatment and lack of trust actually did hurt. I still am healing, just like most of us that are here, from this BPD mistreatment. It will take us time to heal, and we will all continue to heal.

Relationship Recovery Step 3: Do The Work

So you've gotten out of a relationship, and you've felt the pain, and then you've committed to letting yourself heal. No hiding from the pain or the healing that you need to go through.


What's next? Doing the work.

The work. What work?

Aaaaah, this is where the fun really begins.

Pull Yourself Apart

You've felt pain, and you're feeling pain. You now need to make sure that you don't feel pain like you are feeling again.

*This is the only way that we will make change is to feel this pain, then commit to not feeling this way again.*

For some, you were in a bad relationship. The relationship was dysfunctional from the start; you were scarred, but you'll be okay.

For most, you had a pattern of bad relationships. This one was the coup de gras, the icing on the cake, the REALLY bad one, the one that made you decide that change was required.

For my borderline relationship, I had a number of *okay* relationships before that. I was always looking for sparks, and whew, did I find it with the borderline.

Eventually, the sparks get to be too much, as I learned.

Doing the work requires a number of steps, which is self-investigation. These steps will go into future steps as well, but this step requires actually making the commitment to doing the work of healing, getting better, then determining how you will never fall into the trap of a dysfunctional relationship (for the purposes of this blog, a borderline relationship) again.

Why?

Ask yourself the hard questions. You've probably been hurting so badly since the initial breakup that you've been in the blame mode, but it's time to look inside. As the pain subsides, look into your inner core, learn about yourself and who you really are:

• What am I really about?
• What do I like? 
• What do I dislike?
• How would I rate my life? Is it that bad, or is it good?
• What do I want to change?
• How can I make these changes?

Then, ask yourself the questions that you want to ask the least:

• Why did I get into this relationship with a Borderline?
• What needs did the BPD fulfill?
• How did the BPD fill my needs? What need did they meet the best?
• Is this need reasonable and realistic?
• Do I need to adjust my needs and expectations?
• What needs did the BPD not meet?
• How dysfunctional was the relationship in the end?

Ask yourself the hard questions. Write them down and think about all of your responses.

Get Ready to Meet the New You

The process that you are about to go through will enable you to grow like you have never grown before. You will become the person that you always wanted to become.

This process will take time, it won't be easy. It will hurt, you will take some steps backwards, but in the end, if you Do The Work, you will come out of it a new person that you admire.

One person said that being in a relationship with a BPD and coming out of it is like steel going into the fire. You can be burned by the experience, or you can survive the fire and come out like brandished iron which is nearly impenetrable.

If you Do the Work, your self esteem will go through the ceiling and you will feel better than you ever have, every day. 

Welcome to your new life. Get ready for Step 4 -- Start a Me Project.

Relationship Recovery Step 2a: When It Hurts Real Bad, Find Distractions

I know, I know. I sit here and say, you've got to feel the pain, allow yourself time to heal, and now I'm saying find distractions?

Look, you're human. I'm human. When it hurts real bad, we do whatever we can to distract ourselves from the pain.

That's okay. As long as the distractions are healthy.

Healthy Distractions While You Are Healing

So, what's a healthy distraction? There are many:

• Spending time with friends
• Seeing a movie
• Doing a hobbie
• Watching television
• Exercising
• Playing a musical instrument
• Listening to music
• Reading a book (not a self-help book or a love story)

You can see where I am going here. The distraction could be almost anything.

Time Heals

So if time heals, your healing from the relationship will take time. It will take time for you to reprogram yourself and learn new ways of living life -- you'll change from the "we" to the "me" in everything you do or say. This can be difficult.

While you're letting time heal you, these healthy distractions will help. Playing golf was one of my favorite things to do while healing from the relationship that I was in. I used to go and play rounds of par three golf as I could play with my kids or by myself, and it was a nice way to spend some time outside.

Watch Out for Unhealthy Distractions

There are unhealthy distractions that postpone the pain and can bring you into a world of even more hurt. These include:

• Drinking excessively or taking drugs
• Sex with non committed partners
• Starting a new relationship too soon
• Anything in excess -- exercise, work, etc.

I hope you see where I'm going here. Do everything in moderation so you can keep yourself and your head whole.

Distractions can be good while you're healing from a broken relationship. You can find healthy ones and help yourself on the road to recovery.

• 
  

Change Your Life Now: The Secret

The Law of Attraction Changes Lives

I forgot about this but starting talking to a friend about this recently. So, I thought that it's important that you know about this, that you learn about this and that you do this: You need to live the principles outlined in the book The Secret. It's a silly little book which will take you one, maybe two hours to read.

I Knew That

The other thing about The Secret is that when you read it, you'll say, "I knew that." But you didn't do it.

It takes time, but you really can do it.

The Secret covers the power of positive thinking, but really covers The Law of Attraction, the basic law of You Get What You Wish For. Many don't know this, but it's true, whatever you want, whatever you need, you ask for. The problem is that many of us subconsciously ask for things that we don't want. We don't know it, but we're attracting negative energy, attitudes, people and situations every day.

The Secret is a little book, but is a must read for everyone. Once you read it, read it again. Get it here: The Secret

You can take the readings that you find from The Law of Attraction and put them into anything -- from business and family to relationships and how you live your life.

Such a simple concept, but how many actually do it?

Do it today -- you'll be happy that you did.

So, What Does The Secret Have to Do With BPD?

I actually bought this book for the BPD when I was with her. I read it, then got a copy for her. I got her this book and The Power of Positive Thinking -- anything that I could do to change her thinking process so she would see the positive, the good in the world.

It didn't work. When you're disordered, you can't get past your obsessions, your obsessive thoughts and your anxiety. It's sad, but all of these efforts -- those of you that have been following the blog know them -- cannot overcome a personality disorder like Borderline Personality disorder.

Advanced Law of Attraction Studies -- Abraham

I just started reading this, but it seems quite interesting. It's the story of a spirit named Abraham and his teachings about The Law of Attraction.

Now, I'll tell you, this is more advanced Law of Attraction -- like Law of Attraction 200 or 300 if we were in a college course.

It's pretty funky, but it's definitely interesting. It's worth reading, although I have yet to get through it.

You Can Change Your Life

The beautiful part of this is that you can change your life. You have the power. It's an amazing power, so envision the life that you want and deserve. Then go do it.

BPD Stories

They're dwindling again -- the number of BPD stories that I can tell about my relationship are dwindling. I was only in the relationship for two years, and I've been out of it for two and a half years. I can only tell so many stories about a relationship that was only two years old.

Sadly, I can probably tell less stories about my marriage to my ex wife. We were married for 13 years. That's a whole 'nother story.

You Can Recover From a BPD Relationship

The beautiful part of this is that you really can recover from a relationship with someone suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. I've proven it in this blog. I have baggage and scars, but no longer is my psyche shattered and frail from the relationship.

The borderline may rock your world for a while and it may *feel* like you'll never be better again, but you can get through it.

If you do it right, you'll be a better person than when you entered the relationship. It's an opportunity to grow. I've proven it.

Where to Go From Here?

Well, I'll keep writing. I've promised you. I get enough material from your emails (drop me a line at mybpdrecovery@blogspot.com) and comments to continue this for some time. I'll also continue to provide helpful how to's and other tips.

Keep the ideas coming. This blog continues to be great community. Let's keep it that way.

The Race

I recently ran a race called the Muddy Marathon -- it was a course that was the worst thing I've ever run over -- miles of mud bogs, rivers and streams, rocks gardens where your ankle twists multiple times, and hills. Actually, mountains. You have to climb up mountains where you scramble up rock faces, following the person in front of you. Then you go down, and it's just as tough as going up.

I've done quite a few races in my day, but nothing like this.

I can't explain to anyone who didn't go through it how bad it was. I can't explain the feeling I had when I was climbing the rock face -- maybe I should just go down. I can't go down, because there is someone behind me. 


It's tougher to try to go down than it is to finish climbing up. I'm almost there.


I made some huge tactical errors in the race. My water system (a Camelback) was moldy, so I brought no water. I also didn't bring enough food with me anyway.

Can't Explain How Bad It Was To Others

I can't explain to anyone else how bad the race really was. When I describe it to others, I can see that they can understand that it was bad, but not anywhere near as bad as it really was.


Jennie saw me finish the race. When I finished, she saw the mud that was caked on me, up to my thighs, and she saw how long it took me to get it off. She still doesn't understand how bad it really was.

No one that I told understood what I really went through, how I felt, and how the race made me feel. I bonked halfway through the race because of my lack of food and water. No one felt any of those things.

Sound familiar?

Similar BPD Experiences With Fellow Nons

It's oh so true. All of us Nons have the quite similar, if not the same, experiences with our (ex) BPD partners. It scares me sometimes how similar it is.

One recent comment included a statement that said, "that sounds like something that my exBPD would say." You don't know how many times I thought that when I read an email, a comment, something sent by one of you. It amazes me.

BPD Jealousy

The worst part about it was that when it first happened and I would get those comments, a tinge of that old BPD jealousy would kick in, and I would actually wonder, "is that her?" The roots of the BPD relationship are deep, and we feel them for months, if not years.

Yes, we have all shared quite similar, if not the same, experiences. It's so bad that I can give you a list of them:

• Your BPD partner cheats on you, but eventually tells you 
• Your BPD partner constantly tells you that they hate you, but then will pull you back in for a number of reasons
• Your BPD partner does not trust you at all; at first, it was their fault because of their past, but eventually, it became because of you.

I could go on for hours. It's a shame, but they experiences are so similar...

BPD Habits and Behaviors

These can only be described as BPD habits and behaviors. There are plenty of reasons that I've described throughout the site, but unfortunately for us Nons, we have to live with these behaviors. They are similar, there's nothing that we can do about this.

Bottom line -- maybe the comment that I received was from a BPD partner of someone who visits this site (we do get thousands of hits on this site). Maybe the comments that I get regularly are about my exBPD partner. I don't know.

It really doesn't matter, though. We're in recovery from these people -- contact is the last thing that we want.

Relationship Recovery Step 2: Let Yourself Heal

Someone heard me say this once and responded, "of course you have to do that, Captain Obvious."

It's the easiest thing to overlook. In this world, we don't give ourselves time to heal. Any relationship that ends -- dysfunctional or non, romantic or friendship, has an impact on you when it ends.

Grateful Dead drummer Bill Kreutzmann moved to Hawaii after Jerry Garcia died and the band disbanded. He lived there for a number of years, and Hawaii remains his residence. Bill said that immediately after the band officially disbanded, he went there to heal.

Heal?

Thirty years of his life -- 30 years -- was spent as the drummer of The Grateful Dead. He and Jerry were the founding members of the band. Whether they were close or not, they had a longlasting relationship. The band was often called The Family, especially in the early days. They lived together for many years and traveled together as well.

Relationships -- romantic, friendship, working, family -- are the most important element of human interaction. When we lose them, we lose a part of ourselves. We must heal from losing this part, then make ourselves whole again.

If we do not heal, we cannot be whole.

Part of this healing, of course, is Feeling the Pain, which was the first step in this process. After we have felt the pain and are feeling the pain, we have to allow ourselves the time to heal ourselves.

Like I have mentioned, drinking or abusing drugs, digging into work, jumping into another relationship, over exercising and a number of other excesses do not allow you to heal -- they allow you time to distance yourself from the pain.

The problem that when you come back, the pain is still there.

Ways to Heal from a Dissolved Relationship

Share your feelings with a friend or a professional -- It's important to express your feelings instead of stuffing them back inside of you. If you let them out, it's like toothpaste coming out of a tube. It can't go back in and keep doing damage to your psyche.

Think about how many things you've stuffed back inside and haven't dealt with in your life. It's human, but it's not good.

Back to sharing the feelings. By sharing your feelings, they become real and they lose their impact on you. You allow yourself to have the feelings, hence letting yourself heal.

This can be particularly difficult in a dysfunctional relationship, and even worth in a broken borderline relationship. You know elements of the relationship were wrong and broken, and you probably hid it, and now you have to admit these wrongs and that you knew they were wrong. What's worse, you don't have closure, so you probably don't want to expose all the dysfunction in hopes of the relationship re-kindling.

Letting it all out, the good and the bad, the right and the wrong, is part of the healing.

Realize That You're Broken

After a relationship ends, everyone worries about you, and you tell them, "I'm okay."

No you're not. A relationship ending is like a death, and you have to go through the mourning -- and healing process. It takes time and a process of rebuilding. You need to rebuild.

Even if you tell people that you're okay, deep down inside, you're not. The sooner that your broken self comes to the surface, the quicker you can heal.

In upcoming posts, look for the next Relationship Recover Step, Do The Work.

BPD Awareness Month & David's Personal BPD Recovery Update

Publisher's Note: David checked in and updated all of us on the status of his BPD relationship recovery. He also provides information on BPD Awareness Month. Thanks David for the update -- and the information on BPD Awareness Month

Well it's been a year now since the final spiral downward in my former relationship with the uBPD after 2 years, I've written about it before but it was the  arguably the worst moment of my life where all my stuff collided head on with all her stuff and effects resonated for 6 more months.

This month will celebrate the 6 month anniversary of the final breakup initiated by her and that lightbulb moment that made me realize my own part in the relationship that was unhealthy. I still miss her though, even realizing that for her nothing has changed just that she's with another man.

BPD Awareness Month Update

By Act of the U.S. House of Representatives,

MAY is Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness Month*

To learn more about BPD visit the National Education Alliance for

Borderline Personality Disorder at www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.com,

or the National Alliance on Mental Illness at www.nami.org.

“It is essential to increase awareness of BPD among people suffering

from this disorder, their families, mental health professionals and the

general public by promoting education, research, funding, early detection

and effective treatments.”

*H. RES 1005, PASSED 4/1/08

Back to David's BPD Recovery Update

As for me I'm slowly getting used to the single life, I've unsuccessfully dated but I'm getting back out there. I'm setting goals for myself, am giving the car free life a try and wrangling in my finances. I'm planning a trip to East Asia, getting more involved with my church, I hardly drink anymore, I am no longer the man I was before or during the time I was with the uBPD. I'm developing a healthy persona and facing my fears even though it sucks sometimes (ok, most of the time but it will get better). I still have deep emotions for her (but then again I was addicted) but I'm facing my part.
 
I figure I have 1.5 years left to truly be over her but the hardest part is over...

Great work, David. Keep the faith, and be sure to keep checking in and providing status updates...

Learn From Everything That You Experience

As human beings, we go through so many different things. We experience so much, and we have so many things happen that we are blessed to learn from. If we choose to learn from them.

There are so many things that happen in life that we just dismiss and don't learn from. We need to learn from everything that happens. If we don't, we'll have to re-experience it.

I think of it this way, somewhat like the Buddhists do when they travel on their journey to self-actualization. Or how we Christians do when on our path to living like Jesus. Our challenge in life is to learn from what we have experienced. The most traumatic events, the slightest encounters, each and every one of them are learning opportunities.

Traumatic Events May Usually Spur Change

Many people have to suffer a traumatic event to make changes. Breakups with borderlines can be quite traumatic, and this will often make us start to make changes in ourselves. This is good change. We learn from our negative experiences, and as humans, we try to minimize our negative or threatening experiences.

However, even the most mild encounter, positive or negative, is an opportunity for growth and change. Maybe we did something that we could have done better. Maybe we had something happen to us where we reacted improperly.

I recently got poison ivy after removing a fallen tree that fell in the road. I saw the tree and knew that cars could get around it, but it was causing trouble. I was running by and just picked up the tree and moved it, not thinking that it was a poison ivy or oak tree.

Three days later, I am itching like there is no tomorrow and have poison ivy outbreaks on my hands, arm, leg and chest. It took me a couple of days to figure out how I got this poison ivy.

"Probably three boy scouts went past it, and you moved it," Jennie said.

So now, what do I learn from the experience? Not to try to be the good Samaritan before I think about what I'm doing.

You can and should learn from everything you experience, or you will make some of the same mistakes over and over again. Maybe you'll speak negatively or judge someone. Does it make you feel good, deep down inside? I bet not.

Learn from everything.

Recommended reading:

200 Posts!

This blog has reached yet another milestone -- it now has over 200 posts on it, mostly about recovering from a relationship with someone affected with Borderline Personality Disorder. Well, mostly...

I know that I sometimes digress and put song lyrics in here, stories about my personal life and family, but jeez, don't we need something besides the same ole, same ole? Try to keep it interesting...

Some have told me that I should make my blog posts shorter so I have more content. Others have told me to stop blogging. Many others have told me to keep going.

I'm still going, as we can see. Thanks to Jennie for being my number one fan. A much lesser person would have been so insanely jealous that she never could have stomached me writing about another relationship, my feelings then and now, and my brutal honesty. I appreciate her support and encouragement and will be grateful for my lifetime.

Not Always a Pleasant Road

This blog has had its ups and downs. After I first met Jennie, I was going to shut the blog down, and I actually didn't post for a couple of months. I still had healing to do and had to keep it going. So I did.

I've written many times before that the main reason that I keep going is because of your comments. This is true, but sometimes I get not-so-pleasant comments along with the pleasant comments. The worst one I've ever gotten is below. I never published it because of the curses (I'm not able to edit comments -- I either need to publish them as is or reject them):

You stupid, bitter man. Your blog is sh**. It's unbelivable how you think there's nothing wrong with you.

Do you really think borderline is incapable of empathy? Do some f***ing research. Some of them are, some of them are not. 

Why do you think borderline cuts? Why do you think borderline hates herself more than anything? BECAUSE SHE THINKS SHE HAS TO CARRY ALL TO GUILT _BECAUSE OF F***ING PROJECTION_. It goes that way, too. She blames others too, yes. But deep inside she thinks everything about her is just so wrong. You are just too selfish to understand that. 

And I don't give a f*** about the fact that you're not going to publish this.


So, first, I did publish this whomever-you-are. In the future, please email me if I'm missing something. You needn't be so nasty in your emails, but your identity is hidden, so I guess you can be passive aggressive. I hope you feel much better after sending such a nasty email as this.


So that was the worst one -- but overall, it's been such a wonderful ride. I get to hear from each of you, and read about each of you and your stories -- they're all so different, but so much the same.

In the end, we were all hurting so badly, so in need of help, a lifeline, anything to get us out of the abyss of a BPD partner.

I'm not a doctor, do not provide professional advice, but I am a kindred spirit. I've been there. I've hurt. I've gotten myself out of the abyss and have dealt with the pain that we have all felt. It sucks.

200 posts later, I'm much better.

The future will continue to see more BPD recovery. I may expand the community to include new websites, such as www.mybpdrecovery.com and www.bpdrelationshiprecovery.com, where I may open up forums and link into more resources for those recovering from a relationship with a borderline.

The ride continues. Enjoy it.