Similar BPD Experiences With Fellow Nons

It's oh so true. All of us Nons have the quite similar, if not the same, experiences with our (ex) BPD partners. It scares me sometimes how similar it is.

One recent comment included a statement that said, "that sounds like something that my exBPD would say." You don't know how many times I thought that when I read an email, a comment, something sent by one of you. It amazes me.

BPD Jealousy

The worst part about it was that when it first happened and I would get those comments, a tinge of that old BPD jealousy would kick in, and I would actually wonder, "is that her?" The roots of the BPD relationship are deep, and we feel them for months, if not years.

Yes, we have all shared quite similar, if not the same, experiences. It's so bad that I can give you a list of them:

• Your BPD partner cheats on you, but eventually tells you 
• Your BPD partner constantly tells you that they hate you, but then will pull you back in for a number of reasons
• Your BPD partner does not trust you at all; at first, it was their fault because of their past, but eventually, it became because of you.

I could go on for hours. It's a shame, but they experiences are so similar...

BPD Habits and Behaviors

These can only be described as BPD habits and behaviors. There are plenty of reasons that I've described throughout the site, but unfortunately for us Nons, we have to live with these behaviors. They are similar, there's nothing that we can do about this.

Bottom line -- maybe the comment that I received was from a BPD partner of someone who visits this site (we do get thousands of hits on this site). Maybe the comments that I get regularly are about my exBPD partner. I don't know.

It really doesn't matter, though. We're in recovery from these people -- contact is the last thing that we want.

200 Posts!

This blog has reached yet another milestone -- it now has over 200 posts on it, mostly about recovering from a relationship with someone affected with Borderline Personality Disorder. Well, mostly...

I know that I sometimes digress and put song lyrics in here, stories about my personal life and family, but jeez, don't we need something besides the same ole, same ole? Try to keep it interesting...

Some have told me that I should make my blog posts shorter so I have more content. Others have told me to stop blogging. Many others have told me to keep going.

I'm still going, as we can see. Thanks to Jennie for being my number one fan. A much lesser person would have been so insanely jealous that she never could have stomached me writing about another relationship, my feelings then and now, and my brutal honesty. I appreciate her support and encouragement and will be grateful for my lifetime.

Not Always a Pleasant Road

This blog has had its ups and downs. After I first met Jennie, I was going to shut the blog down, and I actually didn't post for a couple of months. I still had healing to do and had to keep it going. So I did.

I've written many times before that the main reason that I keep going is because of your comments. This is true, but sometimes I get not-so-pleasant comments along with the pleasant comments. The worst one I've ever gotten is below. I never published it because of the curses (I'm not able to edit comments -- I either need to publish them as is or reject them):

You stupid, bitter man. Your blog is sh**. It's unbelivable how you think there's nothing wrong with you.

Do you really think borderline is incapable of empathy? Do some f***ing research. Some of them are, some of them are not. 

Why do you think borderline cuts? Why do you think borderline hates herself more than anything? BECAUSE SHE THINKS SHE HAS TO CARRY ALL TO GUILT _BECAUSE OF F***ING PROJECTION_. It goes that way, too. She blames others too, yes. But deep inside she thinks everything about her is just so wrong. You are just too selfish to understand that. 

And I don't give a f*** about the fact that you're not going to publish this.


So, first, I did publish this whomever-you-are. In the future, please email me if I'm missing something. You needn't be so nasty in your emails, but your identity is hidden, so I guess you can be passive aggressive. I hope you feel much better after sending such a nasty email as this.


So that was the worst one -- but overall, it's been such a wonderful ride. I get to hear from each of you, and read about each of you and your stories -- they're all so different, but so much the same.

In the end, we were all hurting so badly, so in need of help, a lifeline, anything to get us out of the abyss of a BPD partner.

I'm not a doctor, do not provide professional advice, but I am a kindred spirit. I've been there. I've hurt. I've gotten myself out of the abyss and have dealt with the pain that we have all felt. It sucks.

200 posts later, I'm much better.

The future will continue to see more BPD recovery. I may expand the community to include new websites, such as www.mybpdrecovery.com and www.bpdrelationshiprecovery.com, where I may open up forums and link into more resources for those recovering from a relationship with a borderline.

The ride continues. Enjoy it.

Relationship Recovery Step 1: Feel The Pain

When you get out of a BPD Relationship, it hurts like no other. The pain you feel is, well, quite painful.

You feel like you've been knocked down, and all of your efforts, all of your accepting the unacceptable, were in vain.

All you want is that person back in your life. You know, if they are BPD, that it's the worst thing for you. You'll be abused emotionally, maybe physically, definitely verbally. Your standards, whatever you believe in, will be thrown out the window.

Yet you want them back.

They say that the most normal person -- the person who has it all together -- can be taken apart by someone suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. The reason is simple.

Borderlines are perceptive. They know people. They're supersensitive, so they are sensitive to your needs. That's probably why you fell in love with them in the first place.

Unfortunately, they're not fully developed, and their disorder precludes them from developing fully, or usually so they can get to a place where they can be in a fully functional relationship.

How to Feel The Pain

Before covering how you can feel the pain, we must first cover how you will not feel the pain. If you start:

• Drinking alcohol excessively
• Taking drugs
• Partying way too much
• Dating someone else right away
• Exercising in excess
• Doing anything in excess -- way way too much

...you won't feel the pain. Please understand that doing many of these things, such as exercising, is actually quite good for you. However, when done in excess, they become problematic.

Now, there is a time to avoid the pain, but only if you eventually deal with it. There are times when things are so bad, or you think that they are, that you just can't deal with them. If you feel like this, then go out with your friends, let them relax. I remember that when the BPD and I first split, my friends took me out to the local bar and grille then introduced me to the staff. "You're gonna love this place," they pumped me up. I have such wonderful, supportive people in my life.

When the time comes, you will need to really fill the pain. Believe me, it hurts. It will take time, and when you're in it, it will feel like a long time.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and in retrospect, it wasn't too long. They say that in a relationship, it takes you about 1 year to heal for every 2 years that you were in the relationship. With dysfunctional relationships (like borderline relationships), I'd say it takes longer than that.


Now it's time to really feel the pain. Lock yourself in your home and let it all out. Feel the loss. Mourn the relationship. Cry, cry and cry some more. Maybe you need to write a goodbye letter. If you do, then do it.

Put on some of the saddest songs you know. Put on those breakup songs that break your heart.

Your heart is broken. Let it be broken.




There are many phases of the mourning process, and after you deny that the relationship is over, it's time to feel the pain.

However, you can get through the pain, and you can feel great when you come out of it. 

How Long Will This Last?

You should feel the pain intensely only for a few weeks, no more than three weeks. They say that it takes about 23 days to change a habit, and you now need to get used to the habit of not having this person in your life. You know that it's for the better, but it still hurts.

You'll feel the pain for months, if not years, but the intense pain should subside after about three weeks. You need to start putting your life back together, which will be covered in some later topics.

If you start to have suicidal thoughts, if you cannot get out of the funk and stop feeling the pain intensely, if you just can't get it back together, get support immediately. Professional support can be quite helpful and can help get you over the humps that you need in life.

So you've felt the pain, and you've gotten through it. Time for the next step, Let Yourself Heal.

Despair

It's a feeling that one can't really describe to you. You know it when you have it, most don't ever want to feel it, but when you feel it, you know.

It's the feeling of despair.

Hurricane Katrina -- True Despair and Hopelessness

I just came back from a weekend in New Orleans where I spent most of my weekend with friends celebrating 25 years of being friends; what amazing people I have in my life. I truly am a blessed man to have such quality people that have stuck with me for all these years.

We spent the weekend bellying up to a New Orleans bar, but I did speak with a number of people about the Hurricane. I spoke the most with Anne, the Concierge at the Hotel where I stayed. She told me about all the people that died from the hurricane, 1,800 in total. She told me about five people that she knew that killed themselves.

Five people that she knew committed suicide.

We're talking about an event here that most of us can't come near comprehending. It was so bad that people took their own lives because of the trauma.

Wow.

I spoke to person after person who said that they lived without food, or lived without water, for days. Having so many people get killed or lose everything from the hurricane impacted everyone in the area. The concierge told me that there are still events that happen that trigger memories of the hurricane and the aftermath afterwards.

I told her that she had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Then I asked her if she had gone to counseling. She responded that she couldn't because everybody here was going to counseling and had post traumatic stress disorder.

This woman felt despair. This town felt despair. Tears welled up in my eyes as I discussed these events and she told me how it took so long for things to come back to normal. All the people that were so lost as a result of this. I could see what she went through and the pain that she had felt.

The nice thing is that when you have so many people that went through the same event, together, you can, as a group, get through the event. This is what many have done in the area.

Ironically, the event that has helped the area give themselves hope again has been the local football team, the New Orleans Saints. They won the superbowl for the first time this year, and the town rallied around them quite a bit.

When you drive through the city, the billboard by the Superdome reads, "Goodbye to the Saint-Less."

The town rallied around the team, no doubt. They're feeling so much better.

Despair and BPD Relationship Recovery

When I got out of the relationship with the BPD Disordered, I suffered from despair. The pain I felt, the loss that I had, it was real. It was amazing.

Looking back, she had threatened my ability to have basic needs -- food, clothing and shelter -- but those that went through Katrina clearly had a more traumatic event happen to them.

Recovering from a relationship with a Borderline sucks. It's terrible. It changes the way that we view the world, and we lose some of our innocence.

However, we didn't feel like those that went through Hurricane Katrina felt. Our ability to eat and our ability to have a safe roof over our head wasn't compromised like those that went through Katrina. It hurt, we felt bad, but we didn't feel like them.

Or maybe we did:

• Many of us have been threatened by the BPD, some of us to the point of being threatened for our lives. Many of us were beaten by the BPD as well. 
• A couple times, I came home to locks being changed by the BPD, so clearly, my stability and knowing where I was living was compromised

Again, I think it's different. This was the person who I thought was going to be my partner, but I still, after writing through it, don't think that I had the intensity of feeling that those who went through Katrina felt. 

I think that those that went through 9/11 share more than those that went through a relationship with a BPD. Sure, it sucked, but it didn't suck nearly as much as those that went through 9/11 or Hurricane Katrina.

We all shared feelings of desperation, though.

Making The Best of Despair

I'm not the kind of person who wants life to be monotone. I want highs, and I understand that there are going to be lows. 

We learn the most from the lows. The lows that we have help develop our character, our person; we learn how to survive and live through the lows.

You'll feel despair in your life. It's okay, you can get through it. When you get through it, you'll appreciate so much more of the good things, as long as you can learn and grow from the despair that you feel.

You are not alone...

This was also written by contributor David showing how many resources there are for the Non. Look for more tips and links to resources in upcoming posts.

It's amazing that after clicking my heels three times (well this is breakup number three isn't it) and hence returning from the Land of Oz, I have found so many online resources to aid in my recovery from a two year addictive (see how I need to replace 'love" with what it really was...) relationship to my uBPD (undiagnosed Borderline).

One thing I have absolutely realized is that my story is so similiar in many ways to others who have been in this type of abusive relationship. Another is that I finally realized that I was very codependent and that I had things to work on myself. Typically BPD relationships either last 18 months or 15 years, depending on the level of codependency a non like me displays. Me, I had it so bad that I actually developed traits of my borderline (suicidal ideation, impulsivity in regards to her, obsessing about her, rage to the point of grabbing her, etc.), all things that have since left me and where not there before her. Now I am not blaming her for my behaviors but I do realize how being with her did trigger these things inside me.

Besides this blog where I realized that the words and stories could have literally been my own, I discovered several other online resources. A website by a psychologist who has written some great articles for non's about BPD and relationships titled GettinBetter literally is what caused the lightbulb to go off in my head after year 2 and breakup #3. I've read that when you have this experience as a non, you journey to recovery can begin (though it will be very difficult) because you finally have that moment of clarity that you have been a part of a dysfunctional (and not love, stars aligned, soul mate finally, person you want to spend the rest of your life with, etc) relationship. I recommend reading shell shocked and at any cost first but then read everything she has. Another thing I have been doing is visiting a Psychology and Mental health forums that relates to BPD. I soon discovered that there a quite a few nons who share their struggles and personal accounts as well as diagnosed and recovering BPDers with some insight into the thoughts of a BPDer.

I'm so amazed at how with all the knowledge I have about BPD, my own dysfunctional realtionship expereince, the calmness that is now coming into my life, church, prayer, this blog, therapy, supportive friends, etc. how truly hard it is to push the thought of her out of my life. I have good days where I only waste a few moments of my time and others where I wake up and have thoughts of her all freakin day long. That's the addictive part I hate the most, it's worse than any drug or other behavior I've ever indulged in.

I did not love her, I was ADDICTED to her and the extreme ups she offered (subconsiously at times for sure) as well as the chaos in that relationship. That's been the hardest truth yet for me to swallow.

"yes it is time to educate MY inner child, who is encumbering me with nagging doubts and might have beens. The problem now is that MY inner child does not yet feel it is true. The hard part was not going through the end of that relationship nor learning about BPD but now internalizing to feel it at the gut level (inner child). Where as my gut once said she is the one, my soulmate, the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with, I must now replace that with the cold hard truths of what it really was... a big fat LIE."

Building A Support System: Critical For Survival

When in a relationship with a Borderline, you begin to inherit the fears, insecurities and attributes of someone suffering with a borderline. After all, you hear much of their thinking and begin to internalize it.

I remember when I was in the relationship with the borderline that it was so tough because I thought that I felt her pain. I saw the pain that she went through and wished that I could help make it go away. Unfortunately, her twisted mind made me the reason for her pain -- this is the paradox that a partner of a BPD faces. You want to help the borderline with their pain and suffering, and if you're like me, you try everything to help their pain go away. When you think you're doing well, they tell you that the reason for their pain is you. Definitely a conflict and craziness.

If you're in a relationship with a borderline, you know the craziness. You feel like you've done all that you can, and it's just not enough. You tiptoe around them, waiting for the next explosion (the vengeance switch) to occur. You always have to be defensive, and just when you feel like you don't need to be defensive anymore, BAM -- they unleash their fury on you.

Sound familiar?

We All Need Support
I used to think that I was strong and I could handle anything on my own. Maybe it's a male quality or curse, but I felt so strong, like I could handle anything.

With that said, I've always had a strong support system. I have a family that I'm close with, a solid network of friends from high school and college that I can call on in a moment's notice.

I don't use them regularly, but I have used them when I needed them. When my ex wife and I separated, I called on my network of family and friends for support, and they were there.

My friend Chris was married to someone that he suspected had BPD before I was in the relationship with the BPD, so he was quite aware of what it was like being in the relationship that I was in. I had other friends that were quite helpful with moving out, and doing other things as well.

Reality Check
The most important function that a good support network provides is a peek back into reality. We all get caught up in our own little worlds, so to speak, and a good network will look into your world and tell you if it's normal or not. You should be able to call on a support system that brings you back to reality and keeps your mind stable, not being pulled back into the crazy world of a borderline.

"If you stay with her, I wouldn't be surprised if I got a phone call saying that you were dead, that she had killed you," my friend Eddie told me in December of 2007 when I told him what was happening in my relationship with the borderline.

Now that's a reality check, and bringing you out of your little world. That's a good friend that cares.

The Ideal Support System
If you don't have a good support system and you're in a relationship with a borderline, I highly recommend that you get one. Your support system should have the following components. While this is the ideal, you can substitute where necessary. Also, depending on your situation, you may not need such depth in support:

• Friends/Family: Having people that know you and your past, your heart and your soul is important as you go through trials and tribulations
• Support Group: There are issues that are specific with dealing with borderlines that are so similar, and it's good to have a support group to discuss such issues. Join a group such as Alanon or even an online codependency support group, such as Daily Strength.
• Professional Support: Going to a counselor will also be sure that your psychological foundation is firm. I highly recommend going to a counselor to be sure that you don't have other issues, such as abandonment issues, that are contributing to your staying in an unhealthy relationship.
• Continual Education: Reading topical books and blogs such as this one will educate you on the topic and help you feel more comfortable when issues arise. You'll know that these issues are not your fault, and that others have also gone through similar problems.
• Spiritual Support: Understanding that humans have a spiritual side and this side needs to be cultivated and nurtured will help keep you well-rounded and humble. Pastors and spiritual advisors can also provide some basic support that can be invaluable. 

This, of course, is the Dream Team of support; you may not need all of these elements, but they will certainly help you. 

You do need a support system. It is critical while you recover, or tolerate, a borderline relationship. A solid support system will keep you in touch with reality, be a good place for you to share experiences and get support. Be sure to have a solid support system that meets your needs. If you need more help on this topic, drop me a line at mybpdrecovery@gmail.com and we'll help get you the resources that you need.