I'm creating a new set of rules for my life -- rules that apply to me, my ambitions and how I want to live my life. I live in a world of abundance, a world where small-mindedness is not acceptable, one is accepting of one's self and others around them. Those that are judgemental are not those that I want to associate with.
Anyway, here's a new set of rules that I'm developing for me. I've found these in a number of places, and I'll add to them in the future:
- I put myself first
- I won't settle. Every time I settle, I get exactly what I settled for
- If it frightens me, I'll go for it
- No matter what I do, I'm going to do it 100 percent
- I am the only person on this planet responsible for my needs, wants and happiness
- I will ask for what I want
- If what I'm doing isn't working, I'll try something different
- No excuses
- I am an adult and old enough to make my own rules. I have my own rules and no one can take them from me
- I will not let anyone treat me badly. No one. Ever.
- I will remove myself from a bad situation instead of waiting for a situation to change
- I will NOT tolerate the intolerable -- ever
- I will always live with integrity
- I will decide what feels right to me, then I'll do it
- Life is about fun. If I'm not having fun, something is wrong
- I give myself room to fail. There are no mistakes, only learning experiences
- I will be good to myself
- I think abundance
- Do it now
- I'm willing to let go of what I have so I can get what I want
- I'm letting life happen
Things are changing -- about to change quickly. It's coming together.
-
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Putting It To Bed
It's time to put it to bed. There are too many possibilities out there right now, and life is just too darn good to worry about these things anymore. It's tough when you're in a relationship with a BPD because you end up sacrificing most of yourself for them.
When you get out of the relationship, you don't know what to do. Every moment that you have of free time -- isn't free. It's spent devoting yourself to the BPD. When you do suddenly get a free moment, you feel paralyzed because you're so afraid that the BPD will accuse you of a multitude of things.
Anyway, she can't haunt me anymore. I'll still be looking over my shoulder for some time, but that will also subside in time. She can't make my life crazy anymore, which is nice.
It's my life again. The Me Project will continue, but in terms of closing this chapter, I'm turning the page. I'll continue to heal, but I'm not feeling so crushed, so hurt, so chaotic anymore.
The time has come. Move on. Stay healthy. Make sure that the next partner is emotionally healthy and stable, does not have huge amounts of baggage, supports me, etc. They'll have substance which I admire and respect. They'll be driven.
Goodbye Oz. I'm going back to the real world, living life day by day, planning for the future.
I can't wait to see what's coming my way.
When you get out of the relationship, you don't know what to do. Every moment that you have of free time -- isn't free. It's spent devoting yourself to the BPD. When you do suddenly get a free moment, you feel paralyzed because you're so afraid that the BPD will accuse you of a multitude of things.
Anyway, she can't haunt me anymore. I'll still be looking over my shoulder for some time, but that will also subside in time. She can't make my life crazy anymore, which is nice.
It's my life again. The Me Project will continue, but in terms of closing this chapter, I'm turning the page. I'll continue to heal, but I'm not feeling so crushed, so hurt, so chaotic anymore.
The time has come. Move on. Stay healthy. Make sure that the next partner is emotionally healthy and stable, does not have huge amounts of baggage, supports me, etc. They'll have substance which I admire and respect. They'll be driven.
Goodbye Oz. I'm going back to the real world, living life day by day, planning for the future.
I can't wait to see what's coming my way.
Monday, March 24, 2008
Missing The Girls
When you live with two little girls for a year and a half, you grow attached to them. When you put two little girls to bed every night, do their homework, tell you that you love them, fix their boo boos, and take care of them, then you're suddenly out of their life, you have a big hole in your heart.
I still have that hole. Tears are in my eyes as I write this, as I was never able to say goodbye to my girls. That hurts.
The oldest girl and I hit it off from the start. She was quite shy at first, but I pulled her out of her shell and watched her blossom into a beautiful girl that was confident and assertive. It took time, but she was really growing. She used to sit with me and look at my face, every inch of it, and say things like 'your nose hair is getting long.' We'd laugh together, and I'd tickle her. She never had a man to pick and prod over, ask questions like the one about my nose hair, and just be loved unconditionally.
Pure love. All I ever wanted to give them. Pure love.
The younger one was a little different. Three years younger than her sister, she was more guarded, but she was warm to me by the end. At night, she would wait for me to come home and tuck her in before going to sleep when I was with my kids. I was able to show her how she could trust me, that I was consistent, and that I was there for her.
Then I was gone. I haven't seen them since September.
We'd also do other family things, like bike around, walk the dog and go sledding in the winter. The blended family did lots of things such as go biking, skiing, hiking, take vacations, go out at night and tell ghost stories...you name it. They were tight and they stuck together.
The girls integrated well with my kids. Kate, again, had her first interactions with boys, and it was special for her. She would buddy around with either boy, depending on the timing. She would also pal around with Erin. Erin and Gracie became tight and the girls called each other sisters and best friends.
God, my heart is broken. I miss them. Those are two of the most wonderful girls in the world. They have so much promise, I loved being in their lives and caring for them.
Don't ever get involved with someone who's unstable for these reasons. The loss is quite a bit more than just her if you're in my situation. I now need to take care of my own first and foremost, but I wish that I could care for them as well. In their situation, it becomes all about their mother, not them. Kate will end up growing up feeling like she's 'caring' for her mother, and she may harbor resentment when she gets older.
No matter what, she doesn't have to grow up like that yet. When I was there, she was able to let go and be a little girl. It was wonderful watching her throw a temper tantrum to see who would pay attention. I laughed one time watching it.
She can't do those things anymore, because she now has to care for her mother's emotional state.
Yet another shame.
I still have that hole. Tears are in my eyes as I write this, as I was never able to say goodbye to my girls. That hurts.
The oldest girl and I hit it off from the start. She was quite shy at first, but I pulled her out of her shell and watched her blossom into a beautiful girl that was confident and assertive. It took time, but she was really growing. She used to sit with me and look at my face, every inch of it, and say things like 'your nose hair is getting long.' We'd laugh together, and I'd tickle her. She never had a man to pick and prod over, ask questions like the one about my nose hair, and just be loved unconditionally.
Pure love. All I ever wanted to give them. Pure love.
The younger one was a little different. Three years younger than her sister, she was more guarded, but she was warm to me by the end. At night, she would wait for me to come home and tuck her in before going to sleep when I was with my kids. I was able to show her how she could trust me, that I was consistent, and that I was there for her.
Then I was gone. I haven't seen them since September.
We'd also do other family things, like bike around, walk the dog and go sledding in the winter. The blended family did lots of things such as go biking, skiing, hiking, take vacations, go out at night and tell ghost stories...you name it. They were tight and they stuck together.
The girls integrated well with my kids. Kate, again, had her first interactions with boys, and it was special for her. She would buddy around with either boy, depending on the timing. She would also pal around with Erin. Erin and Gracie became tight and the girls called each other sisters and best friends.
God, my heart is broken. I miss them. Those are two of the most wonderful girls in the world. They have so much promise, I loved being in their lives and caring for them.
Don't ever get involved with someone who's unstable for these reasons. The loss is quite a bit more than just her if you're in my situation. I now need to take care of my own first and foremost, but I wish that I could care for them as well. In their situation, it becomes all about their mother, not them. Kate will end up growing up feeling like she's 'caring' for her mother, and she may harbor resentment when she gets older.
No matter what, she doesn't have to grow up like that yet. When I was there, she was able to let go and be a little girl. It was wonderful watching her throw a temper tantrum to see who would pay attention. I laughed one time watching it.
She can't do those things anymore, because she now has to care for her mother's emotional state.
Yet another shame.
Day By Day
The days seem to be getting better. They seem to be a little brighter every day.
There are a lot of things happening that are helping to contribute to me feeling better:
- Part of it is WTO,
- part of it is time.
- Part of it is the books.
- Part of it is the people in my life
- Part of it is the things that I'm doing to occupy my time and fill the holes in my life
- Part of it is church.
I'm starting to reprogram all of the bad memories that she put in my head. All the "you're bad" thoughts that she gave me. And I took it.
What kind of person tells another that you're bad? Only a maniac.
God, all of the things, from the beginning, are now starting to come together. I think she deceived me regularly:
- The nights where she didn't call me when she was supposed to and said that a woman gave her a ride home, I don't believe. In fact, she started a fight the next evening as well and wasn't available. Looking back, she probably met someone and went out, then called me the next day and apologized.
It's all coming together. She lied about everything in the relationship and tried to pin that on me.
You learn that BPDs always lie -- their entire life is based on other people, and they have no sense of self.
She also shows huge signs of narcissistic personality disorder, as she was never wrong for anything and in the end wouldn't take accountability for anything.
How frustrating, though -- I put up with that crap. I feel angry, upset and not happy about how I was treated. What a frigging monster.
There are a lot of things happening that are helping to contribute to me feeling better:
- Part of it is WTO,
- part of it is time.
- Part of it is the books.
- Part of it is the people in my life
- Part of it is the things that I'm doing to occupy my time and fill the holes in my life
- Part of it is church.
I'm starting to reprogram all of the bad memories that she put in my head. All the "you're bad" thoughts that she gave me. And I took it.
What kind of person tells another that you're bad? Only a maniac.
God, all of the things, from the beginning, are now starting to come together. I think she deceived me regularly:
- The nights where she didn't call me when she was supposed to and said that a woman gave her a ride home, I don't believe. In fact, she started a fight the next evening as well and wasn't available. Looking back, she probably met someone and went out, then called me the next day and apologized.
It's all coming together. She lied about everything in the relationship and tried to pin that on me.
You learn that BPDs always lie -- their entire life is based on other people, and they have no sense of self.
She also shows huge signs of narcissistic personality disorder, as she was never wrong for anything and in the end wouldn't take accountability for anything.
How frustrating, though -- I put up with that crap. I feel angry, upset and not happy about how I was treated. What a frigging monster.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Easter Memories
Easter was a good memory with her and the kids. Two years ago, she met my family for the first time -- they loved her and the girls profusely. Last year, we went to my parents with the girl after celebrating Easter at her house. I think that was right before her house flooded and she kicked me out the second time for no reason -- more abuse, and every silver lining has a touch of gray.
Anyway, it's been a tough few days -- I'm not sure why but I guess the detachment is once again taking place and the emotional wounds of that are again beginning to surface. I guess you don't only grow addicted to the highs, you grow used to the lows as well. You go from a thousand miles an hour with a BPD to no interaction; it's a bit of a shock.
They say that you have to disengage for one full year for recovery to occur. I'm getting there...
It was nice getting up with the girls and having them look for eggs that were filled with candy and coins, I believe. We had to watch the dog so she didn't get them -- think the hound was in the laundry room.
It' s just crazy, that I can look back and have such fond memories, and she's so totally out of her mind that she thinks that she was the victim of some monster. Too much. Insane.
Oh well. Not my problem anymore. Happy Easter. I'm back in the healing process and about to blow the doors off this joint, I can feel it.
Look out world, Den is back.
Anyway, it's been a tough few days -- I'm not sure why but I guess the detachment is once again taking place and the emotional wounds of that are again beginning to surface. I guess you don't only grow addicted to the highs, you grow used to the lows as well. You go from a thousand miles an hour with a BPD to no interaction; it's a bit of a shock.
They say that you have to disengage for one full year for recovery to occur. I'm getting there...
It was nice getting up with the girls and having them look for eggs that were filled with candy and coins, I believe. We had to watch the dog so she didn't get them -- think the hound was in the laundry room.
It' s just crazy, that I can look back and have such fond memories, and she's so totally out of her mind that she thinks that she was the victim of some monster. Too much. Insane.
Oh well. Not my problem anymore. Happy Easter. I'm back in the healing process and about to blow the doors off this joint, I can feel it.
Look out world, Den is back.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Den Is Back...or Is He??
After losing my soul, I'm back. Still healing, but back.
I have yet to get some of my regular spunk back, but that's because I'm not spending time with enough people, and the people that I am spending time with (at work mostly) aren't very spunky.
That's okay, it'll get better. With the right company, I can still be me, which is nice. It'll take more time to fully integrate back into the real world, but I'm getting there, learning a lot about new people.
So if anyone should ever wonder whether Den is back or not, he is. He's grown quite a bit, but he's back.
At the end of the day, I'm just a guy, a boy at heart that will never lose that sense. I enjoy simple things, like playing guitar, listening to music and being in a safe environment. I get the most out of my kids as I watch them become these amazing personalities.
Be sure to only show your vulnerabilities in safe environments. The wrong people will try to destroy you with your vulnerabilities. Don't let them.
Den is back though and the world's a lot better.
I have yet to get some of my regular spunk back, but that's because I'm not spending time with enough people, and the people that I am spending time with (at work mostly) aren't very spunky.
That's okay, it'll get better. With the right company, I can still be me, which is nice. It'll take more time to fully integrate back into the real world, but I'm getting there, learning a lot about new people.
So if anyone should ever wonder whether Den is back or not, he is. He's grown quite a bit, but he's back.
At the end of the day, I'm just a guy, a boy at heart that will never lose that sense. I enjoy simple things, like playing guitar, listening to music and being in a safe environment. I get the most out of my kids as I watch them become these amazing personalities.
Be sure to only show your vulnerabilities in safe environments. The wrong people will try to destroy you with your vulnerabilities. Don't let them.
Den is back though and the world's a lot better.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
I Finally Understand
...why this breakup is so tough...
When you're broken up with because of normal reasons (I'm not into you), it's okay; you hurt, but you get over it.
When life is great together and you connect so well with someone, then the person breaks up with you because of crazy, unfounded, concocted, false things about yourself, it's tough.
That's what she did. In her paranoid dissociative state, she told me I:
- lied to her all the time
- tried to screw with her
- etc.
That's why she left. She would never trust me no matter how much I sacrificed.
By the way, one of the signs of abuse is extreme jealousy, which she had. My life was paralyzed because of it. But she takes no accountability, another sign of BPD.
Anyway, that's why it's so hard. She has split and I'm the evil one. Alternating between idealization and devaluing.
What a shame...
When you're broken up with because of normal reasons (I'm not into you), it's okay; you hurt, but you get over it.
When life is great together and you connect so well with someone, then the person breaks up with you because of crazy, unfounded, concocted, false things about yourself, it's tough.
That's what she did. In her paranoid dissociative state, she told me I:
- lied to her all the time
- tried to screw with her
- etc.
That's why she left. She would never trust me no matter how much I sacrificed.
By the way, one of the signs of abuse is extreme jealousy, which she had. My life was paralyzed because of it. But she takes no accountability, another sign of BPD.
Anyway, that's why it's so hard. She has split and I'm the evil one. Alternating between idealization and devaluing.
What a shame...
Is She Really Borderline?
Some people ask, was she really borderline? Ummmmm, I never wanted to give her a label, so I didn't for the most part. There were times that I did tell her that she was BPD, and then she'd say, 'I'm not, you are.' They say that's pretty typical.
Sooooo, let me go through the DSM Criteria for BPD and see if she fit into it or not. I took this excerpt from www.recovery-man.com (the authors comments are in parens -- my comments on whether she fits this are in [brackets])
Verdict??? YES
So, she has met 6 out of 9 of the characteristics of BPD -- I've shown through her behaviors how she has the disorder.
The only reason I put this here is because my belief has been challenged; I wanted to show it beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Unfortunately, she's too far gone to get treatment, although the illness is treatable:
Sooooo, let me go through the DSM Criteria for BPD and see if she fit into it or not. I took this excerpt from www.recovery-man.com (the authors comments are in parens -- my comments on whether she fits this are in [brackets])
- DSM Definition of BPD (My notes are bracketed by parenthesis.)
A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects (mood swings), and marked Impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
1.Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in (5). (Desperation / rage if they think they are being abandoned, intense feelings of sadness, loss and fear when their partner is away, a need to have access to the partner at all times, inability to allow their partner their own life and friends, a belief that healthy independence in their partner is a threat to them.)- [When we first started dating and I lived in Delaware, when I would leave and go to Delaware, 2 hours after I had left, she would call and begin accusing me of things. I used to talk her out of it and she would be okay. I called it separation anxiety and thought it was cute, but clearly this was the case.
- *Also, at work, she always had to have access to me. I did not once, I mean once, not take her call. When I was traveling in Europe, 3 days away cost me $1100 in cell phone bills]
- So, the verdict??? YES
2.A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. (The partner of the person with BPD, friends, coworkers or the person with BPD themself is seen as wonderful or perfect, or as evil and rotten. People and things are seen as rigidly black and white by people with BPD - there is no normal middle ground.) People with BPD are highly intolerant of / unable to deal with the gray areas in life. This is called "splitting."
- 3.Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self. (Confusion about goals, career, life choices, sexuality or sexual orientation. Persistent questions and discomfort with their perceived role in life. Pervasive issues related to "who am I" and "what is my role in the world". Many people with BPD change careers frequently or enter careers that give them a clearly defined framework and sense of identity, like large corporations or the military. Others fall prey to cults or fundamentalist religions that control all aspects of their life. Fundamentalism can be comforting for people with BPD since the "black and white" nature of these religions give them a framework that fits their world view.) See *Author's Note
- [Well, she's okay with this one. Had a lot of jobs before working at a big corporation, then left to parent. Now, she's into writing -- I always told her that she needed a job to give her structure because without it she was driving herself crazy and making me the object of all of it, so I could argue for Yes with this one, but I won't -- yet}
4.Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging
e.g., uncontrolled spending, reckless driving, substance abuse, dangerous sexual acts or unsafe sex, binge eating, thrill seeking or risk taking behaviors. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in (5).5.Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior. This can be manifested as overt suicide attempts, drug or alcohol abuse, unsafe sexual behavior, or as a pattern of "living dangerously"; this also includes cutting, burning, piercing, and sexual self mutilation.
[She said she wanted to kill herself two different times, when she was taking stop smoking medication. I think that's why she said it. This wasn't a problem with her too much. ]
-
6.Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days. (People with BPD are intensely moody and volatile emotionally - mood swings and huge shifts occur seemingly "out of nowhere". This is why people with BPD are often misdiagnosed as having Bipolar disorder, and therefore improperly medicated.)
[It's like you could snap your fingers and she would go from the sweetest woman you'd ever met to someone that was so nasty. She would think that you were taking advantage of her and would be so mean and nasty. Mood swings are an understatement]
Verdict??? YES
7.Chronic feelings of emptiness. (Generally manifested as sadness, loneliness, isolation, aimlessness, feeling empty without a project or relationship to distract them. People with BPD's low self esteem is often masked by public displays of ego, feelings of superiority or an intense need to control themselves, other people, places and events.)
[She said that when she's not in a relationship, she feels so lonely. I won't give her this one, because I can't read her mind and she wouldn't admit this to me]
Verdict??? NO
8.Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger
e.g., frequent displays of temper, uncontrolled anger, violent rages, recurrent physical fights, threats, sexualized expression of anger through violent or abusive sex.[She said to me before she left the last time I saw her, "If you have anyone here, I'll make you regret it. She overreacted to a number of things. She hit me a number of times, then said "that's because you deserved it...wtf???"]
Verdict??? YES
9.Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.
(BPD may manifest as a belief that those who love them wish to hurt, control or destroy them. This is especially common in times of stress. Ongoing belief that they are being followed, threatened, observed or are always at risk. BPD's see the world as a dangerous and frightening place and remain constantly on guard, even in safe environments and with safe people.)- [This one is big for her. She thought that I was 'doing things to get a rise out of her,' she would change history to fit her fancy (I once said 'if I moved to Morristown, you'd freak;' her mind changed that to 'if I moved to Far Hills, you'd freak' (I did look for a place in Far Hills, so this could prove that I was screwing with her).
The verdict??? YES!
Verdict? NO
Verdict??? YES
Verdict??? YES
So, she has met 6 out of 9 of the characteristics of BPD -- I've shown through her behaviors how she has the disorder.
The only reason I put this here is because my belief has been challenged; I wanted to show it beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Unfortunately, she's too far gone to get treatment, although the illness is treatable:
Borderline Personality Disorder is treatable with conventional therapy, geared toward impulse control, anger management and behavior modification, and also responds well to proper medication. (The misdiagnoses of BPD as Bipolar Disorder is very common - and generally leads to improper medication.)
Sadly - the overwhelming internal chaos, fear and shame often result in People with BPD refusing treatment. Treatment for BPD is a long term process, but can lead to a much better quality of life for the Person with BPD and their partners and families.
One more thing about her -- she's a great "mask": Also from www.recovery-man.com:
People with BPD often "mask" well - meaning that they present a "I have it all together" face to the world, at work and to their therapists. People with BPD are often very charming, funny and engaging when they are not suicidal or raging. They work hard at covering their tracks; generally only those who are very close to them are aware of the emotional roller coaster going on inside. People with BPD frequently project their issues onto others. ("I don't have a problem - YOU have a problem.") As a result, people with BPD often live lives of misery, remaining undiagnosed or misdiagnosed. (and therefore improperly treated.) Borderline personality disorder is very painful for both the person with BP and the people in their life.
I feel for her girls -- wish I could do something for them
The Chaos Continues
Yesterday, she calls a counselor that we both saw together and apart -- she tells them that she fears for her safety.
This is a silly game that she's playing. I really don't think that she knows the implications of the game. It's like a drama to her, and she's willing to get whatever players are necessary to punish me.
Now, she wants to punish me. The splitting occurred. I'm now a bad guy, I'm a sadist, I'm here to 'screw' with her.
My God, like I'd screw with anyone, particularly her.
I sent her some text messages on Saturday night telling her that she lied to me. That I discovered that she was convicted on charges of terroristic threats and other charges. That she never told me that her husband tried to strangle her and that he was the bad guy before he died.
I also told her how much I was still hurting, and I asked her how many more lives she would ruin before she would get help.
Think that's the one that made her react with the 'I'm scared for my safety.' Because I told her that she's being found out, Her lies have been found out, and she's now getting exposed.
She moved from one town because no one in the town talked to her because of her actions. Now I'm starting to see what she did in past parts of her life and the implications of her actions.
Anyway, I'm obviously pissed off, tired of being accused of trying to hurt her. How ridiculous. I wouldn't hurt a fly, let alone someone I used to share a bed with every night.
I used to share a bed with this woman. Look at how she treats me. I cared for her dog, and I cared for her children. Now that's gratitude.
That's insanity I tell you. Downright insanity.
The last time she thought I was threatening her (and this is a new one -- this never happened in the past) was when I sent her a message that said, "I open my heart to you and you put the knife in." Like that is somehow a threat to you.
I had to send her a follow up email that indicated that this was said figuratively. My God when the BPD splits, you go from being a God in their mind to the Devil.
I'll never have this happen to me again. This is the most emotionally draining and emotionally painful experience that I've ever been in. My career and other parts of my personal life have essentially died as a result of the turmoil in this woman.
Now, I need to figure out why I took it for so long:
- Some parts of the relationship were amazing, especially in the beginning
- We moved in early, which shackled me. At times when I could have moved out (when she kicked me out), I found excuses to stay
- Finances have been very tight for me as I've gone through the divorce
- I truly believed in the relationship. I believed that she would realize how special the relationship was and would change
I sometimes think that she'll come around, but I've got to write her off. She's out for blood now with me and will do whatever she can to take me down. She'd love to find a way to have me arrested or whatever she can do. What a hostile, vindictive, ugly person at the core.
On the outside, she seems like such a beautiful, warm and loving woman.
What a shame.
Upward and onward.
This is a silly game that she's playing. I really don't think that she knows the implications of the game. It's like a drama to her, and she's willing to get whatever players are necessary to punish me.
Now, she wants to punish me. The splitting occurred. I'm now a bad guy, I'm a sadist, I'm here to 'screw' with her.
My God, like I'd screw with anyone, particularly her.
I sent her some text messages on Saturday night telling her that she lied to me. That I discovered that she was convicted on charges of terroristic threats and other charges. That she never told me that her husband tried to strangle her and that he was the bad guy before he died.
I also told her how much I was still hurting, and I asked her how many more lives she would ruin before she would get help.
Think that's the one that made her react with the 'I'm scared for my safety.' Because I told her that she's being found out, Her lies have been found out, and she's now getting exposed.
She moved from one town because no one in the town talked to her because of her actions. Now I'm starting to see what she did in past parts of her life and the implications of her actions.
Anyway, I'm obviously pissed off, tired of being accused of trying to hurt her. How ridiculous. I wouldn't hurt a fly, let alone someone I used to share a bed with every night.
I used to share a bed with this woman. Look at how she treats me. I cared for her dog, and I cared for her children. Now that's gratitude.
That's insanity I tell you. Downright insanity.
The last time she thought I was threatening her (and this is a new one -- this never happened in the past) was when I sent her a message that said, "I open my heart to you and you put the knife in." Like that is somehow a threat to you.
I had to send her a follow up email that indicated that this was said figuratively. My God when the BPD splits, you go from being a God in their mind to the Devil.
I'll never have this happen to me again. This is the most emotionally draining and emotionally painful experience that I've ever been in. My career and other parts of my personal life have essentially died as a result of the turmoil in this woman.
Now, I need to figure out why I took it for so long:
- Some parts of the relationship were amazing, especially in the beginning
- We moved in early, which shackled me. At times when I could have moved out (when she kicked me out), I found excuses to stay
- Finances have been very tight for me as I've gone through the divorce
- I truly believed in the relationship. I believed that she would realize how special the relationship was and would change
I sometimes think that she'll come around, but I've got to write her off. She's out for blood now with me and will do whatever she can to take me down. She'd love to find a way to have me arrested or whatever she can do. What a hostile, vindictive, ugly person at the core.
On the outside, she seems like such a beautiful, warm and loving woman.
What a shame.
Upward and onward.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Step Forward, Step Back
God my mind won't stop moving with this entire thing. I still miss her. I miss the things that we did together. I miss the world that I built. I miss all those things.
Here are some of the things that I've realized:
- My world isn't bad now. In fact, it's pretty good. I've built a pretty good world around me.
- I will meet someone that replaces her and meets my needs (I think..:))
- If I don't meet someone that replaces her and meets my needs, I'll be okay
- This healing thing is a process
I met an old lover of hers this past weekend and we compared notes. Just as I thought -- she made him into some monster that he isn't. She told me that he used to lie all of the time, he was a narcissist, etc. The stories he told were just terrible -- the things that she did, and the things that he let her get away with. No frigging good.
God she was a frigging maniac, now that I think about it. I loved a maniac. I loved a sick person who used her body to fulfill some sick inner needs. God, the things that she told me were so twisted by her. Amazing.
The worst thing is that when you're with someone, they abuse you. It's a gradual process that they put you through. They invade boundaries and put the responsibility on you.
One of the very early boundary invasions was when she questioned me: "Who filed for divorce -- your or your wife?"
Why does this matter? Because she needed to know if I was kicked out of the marriage and that I'm a bum, or if I left on my own.
I told her that I left my now ex wife. I didn't tell her that she had filed for divorce, however, because of a number of reasons. We tried to put the marriage back together, but it wasn't going to work.
She actually had looked up the court records and found that my ex had filed for divorce. Who scrutinizes another at such a level? Who has the time to do such a thing?
I took it, apologized for not telling her upfront, then she gave me some speech about being honest with her.
This is abuse, I now know, and it's one of the tricks of the abuser. They make you feel like you've done something wrong when, in fact, they were the one that violated the boundary. A counselor indicated that the relationship would become abusive. They told me that after 6 months. From the beginning, it was abusive. I didn't know it.
The abuse was rampant throughout the relationship. She regularly violated personal and professional boundaries because of her misery and trying to put as much as she could on me. I took it. Ironically, after the counselor told me that the relationship would be abusive, she suddenly began calling me abusive. That's funny, every time she learned something new (most times things that I taught her), I became that:
- I was a sex addict after she watched an Oprah show on sex addicts
- I taught her about the term "projection" and I was suddenly projecting my guilt onto her
- I taught her about the term "passive aggressive" and I was suddenly doing things to her in a passive aggressive manner
- She read a book on narcissists. I was suddenly a narcissist, and so was her last boyfriend
God it just never stopped. Yet I still miss her and her insanity. The relationship, in my mind, was pure and innocent. Obviously, she felt otherwise.
I think I suffered from my Dulcinea syndrome though.
I just want to be over her. I want to be over her so badly that I'll do whatever it takes to just be done. But it is like an addiction. You do anything to have one more interaction with her.
Enough. Time to move on. Life's too short. Enjoy every moment. Celebrate everything, including your defeats. They all have a greater purpose.
What was the purpose of this one?
Here are some of the things that I've realized:
- My world isn't bad now. In fact, it's pretty good. I've built a pretty good world around me.
- I will meet someone that replaces her and meets my needs (I think..:))
- If I don't meet someone that replaces her and meets my needs, I'll be okay
- This healing thing is a process
I met an old lover of hers this past weekend and we compared notes. Just as I thought -- she made him into some monster that he isn't. She told me that he used to lie all of the time, he was a narcissist, etc. The stories he told were just terrible -- the things that she did, and the things that he let her get away with. No frigging good.
God she was a frigging maniac, now that I think about it. I loved a maniac. I loved a sick person who used her body to fulfill some sick inner needs. God, the things that she told me were so twisted by her. Amazing.
The worst thing is that when you're with someone, they abuse you. It's a gradual process that they put you through. They invade boundaries and put the responsibility on you.
One of the very early boundary invasions was when she questioned me: "Who filed for divorce -- your or your wife?"
Why does this matter? Because she needed to know if I was kicked out of the marriage and that I'm a bum, or if I left on my own.
I told her that I left my now ex wife. I didn't tell her that she had filed for divorce, however, because of a number of reasons. We tried to put the marriage back together, but it wasn't going to work.
She actually had looked up the court records and found that my ex had filed for divorce. Who scrutinizes another at such a level? Who has the time to do such a thing?
I took it, apologized for not telling her upfront, then she gave me some speech about being honest with her.
This is abuse, I now know, and it's one of the tricks of the abuser. They make you feel like you've done something wrong when, in fact, they were the one that violated the boundary. A counselor indicated that the relationship would become abusive. They told me that after 6 months. From the beginning, it was abusive. I didn't know it.
The abuse was rampant throughout the relationship. She regularly violated personal and professional boundaries because of her misery and trying to put as much as she could on me. I took it. Ironically, after the counselor told me that the relationship would be abusive, she suddenly began calling me abusive. That's funny, every time she learned something new (most times things that I taught her), I became that:
- I was a sex addict after she watched an Oprah show on sex addicts
- I taught her about the term "projection" and I was suddenly projecting my guilt onto her
- I taught her about the term "passive aggressive" and I was suddenly doing things to her in a passive aggressive manner
- She read a book on narcissists. I was suddenly a narcissist, and so was her last boyfriend
God it just never stopped. Yet I still miss her and her insanity. The relationship, in my mind, was pure and innocent. Obviously, she felt otherwise.
I think I suffered from my Dulcinea syndrome though.
I just want to be over her. I want to be over her so badly that I'll do whatever it takes to just be done. But it is like an addiction. You do anything to have one more interaction with her.
Enough. Time to move on. Life's too short. Enjoy every moment. Celebrate everything, including your defeats. They all have a greater purpose.
What was the purpose of this one?
Friday, March 14, 2008
Take The Next Step
I can tell that there will be days when it's difficult, but I've definitely turned a corner. I miss the relationship that we had, the good parts of her. I don't miss her. In fact, I can't stand her.
The events that took place in the past week showed me her true colors -- they showed me who she was, how she acted regardless of the stimuli. I won't take responsibility for 'screwing with her' anymore, because I didn't. She can make me feel like I did, but I didn't. There's no way to do the things that she said -- I'm just not made up of the things that she says.
It's a shame that she's crazy. There's a side of her that's the best. Unfortunately, that side's not the true her. It's someone that she's formed over the years, but it's not the ugly person that's underneath the surface.
Oh well, onward. I can't always write about it and wallow in it. Time to move on. Get myself together. Update the iPod so the sad songs aren't in there anymore. I'm tired of being sad. Tired of wallowing in my own pity. Time to enjoy life again. I'm tired of worrying about a crazy.
What did I learn, the biggest thing I figured out from this?
Never date a crazy.
The events that took place in the past week showed me her true colors -- they showed me who she was, how she acted regardless of the stimuli. I won't take responsibility for 'screwing with her' anymore, because I didn't. She can make me feel like I did, but I didn't. There's no way to do the things that she said -- I'm just not made up of the things that she says.
It's a shame that she's crazy. There's a side of her that's the best. Unfortunately, that side's not the true her. It's someone that she's formed over the years, but it's not the ugly person that's underneath the surface.
Oh well, onward. I can't always write about it and wallow in it. Time to move on. Get myself together. Update the iPod so the sad songs aren't in there anymore. I'm tired of being sad. Tired of wallowing in my own pity. Time to enjoy life again. I'm tired of worrying about a crazy.
What did I learn, the biggest thing I figured out from this?
Never date a crazy.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Me Time
Enough of this. It's back to her turmoil. We haven't spoken once, and via email and text messages, she has me back in anxiety land. She's back to:
- Telling me that I'm a liar
- Telling me that I'm a sick person who is screwing with her
- Not saying anything nice.
I can't do it. She sent me a message saying that she needs to move on, and the protocol now is to contact her and beg her, or go over to her house to prove that I want her. After I didnt respond, she sent me a real nasty note saying that I would never be like Jeff (her ex husband) and I'm downright evil.
Mom and Dad told me that I shouldn't talk to her at all. Cut off all communication altogether. Chris told me that he was disappointed in me.
Looking back at the past week, this was the way my life was every day. That sucks. No one, I mean NO ONE deserves that crap.
Know what it's like when you're with someone who, when you tell them something, later tells you that you said something different.
It's insane.
She's insane.
Unfortunately, over time, you begin to question your own sanity. Even though these issues are clearly hers, she makes them yours.
And you take some of them. You can't help but do it. It's a shame, but true.
In the end, it's just too much. Way too much for anyone to take. She's going to have to get herself some help or she'll keep repeating this pattern over and over.
I used to be afraid that she'd find someone that she wasn't this way with. I can't be afraid. That's not my problem. In three to four months, I'll be okay, I know it. I'm beginning to feel better already, actually.
It's time for me. Time for Den and putting some time into himself. Things to do:
- Get the career on track. Write freelance or for an industry that I want to. Try to get my tail back into the fishing industry in any way possible.
- Learn how to make that guitar sing like a little girl. Make that baby cry, do whatever I want it to.
- Finish the book
- Get into kick ass shape
- Keep getting the kids together
- Get the finances in order
Enough of this bullshit. That's what it is bullshit. I'm not here to continually make someone feel good so they can shit on me. Not only that, the stuff she says isn't true. I've put my time into someone who's truly psychotic. Enough of this bullshit.
Time to go. Update the iPod so the sad songs are gone. Shed the martyr, feel sorry for myself, sad shell and put on a new coat of armor. Tired of feeling bad. Time to feel good and live my life to its fullest.
- Telling me that I'm a liar
- Telling me that I'm a sick person who is screwing with her
- Not saying anything nice.
I can't do it. She sent me a message saying that she needs to move on, and the protocol now is to contact her and beg her, or go over to her house to prove that I want her. After I didnt respond, she sent me a real nasty note saying that I would never be like Jeff (her ex husband) and I'm downright evil.
Mom and Dad told me that I shouldn't talk to her at all. Cut off all communication altogether. Chris told me that he was disappointed in me.
Looking back at the past week, this was the way my life was every day. That sucks. No one, I mean NO ONE deserves that crap.
Know what it's like when you're with someone who, when you tell them something, later tells you that you said something different.
It's insane.
She's insane.
Unfortunately, over time, you begin to question your own sanity. Even though these issues are clearly hers, she makes them yours.
And you take some of them. You can't help but do it. It's a shame, but true.
In the end, it's just too much. Way too much for anyone to take. She's going to have to get herself some help or she'll keep repeating this pattern over and over.
I used to be afraid that she'd find someone that she wasn't this way with. I can't be afraid. That's not my problem. In three to four months, I'll be okay, I know it. I'm beginning to feel better already, actually.
It's time for me. Time for Den and putting some time into himself. Things to do:
- Get the career on track. Write freelance or for an industry that I want to. Try to get my tail back into the fishing industry in any way possible.
- Learn how to make that guitar sing like a little girl. Make that baby cry, do whatever I want it to.
- Finish the book
- Get into kick ass shape
- Keep getting the kids together
- Get the finances in order
Enough of this bullshit. That's what it is bullshit. I'm not here to continually make someone feel good so they can shit on me. Not only that, the stuff she says isn't true. I've put my time into someone who's truly psychotic. Enough of this bullshit.
Time to go. Update the iPod so the sad songs are gone. Shed the martyr, feel sorry for myself, sad shell and put on a new coat of armor. Tired of feeling bad. Time to feel good and live my life to its fullest.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
God I Miss It Still
After saying my goodbyes, sending my goodbye note and going through my goodbye ceremony, it feels like it could come back together. I don't think it can, but I think that it's the feign that happens before we finally say goodbye for good.
This is a shame, that I think like that, but I don't believe that she has what it takes to put it back together. I don't know if I have what it takes. It's so painful without her, but I don't think being with her would be better. It would be back to turmoil. No way to deal with that either -- if she refuses counseling, then there's nothing I can do.
This could just be a quick reminisce session, I don't know. There's a part of me that feels like I could put it back together. I know that I'm up for the challenge, but is it what I want? This would be my life -- there would be a large chance of divorce, a large chance that we'd be back apart in a short period of time, and I'd pull lots in -- our kids in particular.
I miss the good times. We were so good together, when we were together and we her paranoia didn't set in. We were so good together. We were so good together when it was us and we were working together. I loved it when we were firing on all cylinders.
She hasn't turned anything bad yet, but if there's a time to turn it bad and see my responses, now's the time. We'll see if she turns it bad or not. I'm holding my breath.
God I miss what we had. I can't imagine myself back there though. I can't imagine it at all. That's the freaky thing though. It would be a completely different world for the two of us.
It's a long shot. A real long shot. Not sure what's right now, but I feel...strange about it all.
Going to continue on my path. Keep going to the gym, working on me and the kids. Not sure what to do. Can't go back to the world like it was before, but want to go back to the good parts of that world.
Monday, March 3, 2008
Delawhere?
It started there two years ago this past weekend -- she came down and we had the time of our lives. The absolute time of our lives. We ate sushi every night (had me-so-horny soup before the sushi), drank martinis and had our naked coffee talk, exposing ourselves to each other.
At that time, I thought that the naked coffee talk was so special, so magical. She was the first that had been comfortable with themselves to do such a thing, and that spoke volumes. Sit there, talk about life and what drives you, completely exposed and stripped down.
The problem is that's just your physical appearance. A lot more goes into a person that's beyond the beauty. Just because the woman was comfortable with her nakedness doesn't mean that she's comfortable with her true self.
I was looking for someone that was comfortable in their nakedness and with their true self. She wasn't comfortable in the second, no matter how she tried to convince me. My god, she has tried to convince me.
Anyway, I learned a lot this weekend. I learned that I had a world that was wonderful, that had so much hope and so much happiness, before I met her. The world was mine, a world that I built, a world that I loved. A world where I was respected and treated with decency because I have that integrity.
A world where I'm the guest of honor and annual conventions, and I present awards, give seminars, etc. I loved that world.
The divorce made me leave that world. She wanted me to leave that world. You need to do what makes you happy, and that world made me real happy.
Think it's time to make a change.
It makes me crazy because she thinks crazy thoughts, things that just aren't true, particularly of me. It's so much about her, so much about her world and her mind and what everybody's doing to her. At my expense.
I'll never let this kind of thing happen to me again. Ever. Too much pain, too much turmoil, too much of the nightmare.
Someone told me she was like an addiction, and she is. Absolutely addicting. But she's vilified me so it doesn't matter. I'm the monster according to her.
Don't want to be told this anymore because it's just not true.
At that time, I thought that the naked coffee talk was so special, so magical. She was the first that had been comfortable with themselves to do such a thing, and that spoke volumes. Sit there, talk about life and what drives you, completely exposed and stripped down.
The problem is that's just your physical appearance. A lot more goes into a person that's beyond the beauty. Just because the woman was comfortable with her nakedness doesn't mean that she's comfortable with her true self.
I was looking for someone that was comfortable in their nakedness and with their true self. She wasn't comfortable in the second, no matter how she tried to convince me. My god, she has tried to convince me.
Anyway, I learned a lot this weekend. I learned that I had a world that was wonderful, that had so much hope and so much happiness, before I met her. The world was mine, a world that I built, a world that I loved. A world where I was respected and treated with decency because I have that integrity.
A world where I'm the guest of honor and annual conventions, and I present awards, give seminars, etc. I loved that world.
The divorce made me leave that world. She wanted me to leave that world. You need to do what makes you happy, and that world made me real happy.
Think it's time to make a change.
It makes me crazy because she thinks crazy thoughts, things that just aren't true, particularly of me. It's so much about her, so much about her world and her mind and what everybody's doing to her. At my expense.
I'll never let this kind of thing happen to me again. Ever. Too much pain, too much turmoil, too much of the nightmare.
Someone told me she was like an addiction, and she is. Absolutely addicting. But she's vilified me so it doesn't matter. I'm the monster according to her.
Don't want to be told this anymore because it's just not true.
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