Sunshine In My Eyes

I want to be that person -- the one who always has sunshine in his eyes.

I want to be the person that others look at, and they see light beaming from me. They see hope, they see joy, they see happiness.

I want it to emanate from me, and I want others to feed off of it (in a healthy way), bringing relationships, situations, whatever it may be, to new levels.

I want the sunshine, the positive energy, to pour out of me.

I want others to feel it, use it constructively, and I want them to believe. I want them to believe in themselves and in the good of mankind.

Goodness must emanate from our souls. It must pour out. If it does, what a wonderful world.

What a wonderful world.

Personal Life Update

I'm not sure why you all want an update on my personal life, but here goes. Do me a favor and tell me what else you're looking for (I'll even let anonymous posters put their opinion). I'm going to keep this light and easy, because my life really isn't that much fun. :-)

THE REAL FUN STUFF
- I'm probably going out once or twice a week. Sometimes dates, sometimes out with friends, but just getting out. The time is coming where I can fully date again. I've met some good people and quality people that I really appreciate and have learned quite a bit from.
Getting over the next few weeks will be tough, as all of the girls' birthdays are at the end of this month and the 10th and 15th of next month.
- I'm working out pretty regularly and trying to get 6 pack abs as well as a completely toned body. My upper body is more toned than ever.
- I'm feeling fantastic overall, my self esteem and confidence has been quite high, and I feel like I'm becoming the person that I've always wanted to be. Overall, I'm content.
- I've become a crack addict out of sheer boredom. If you believe that one, I'VE GOT SOME LAND IN FLORIDA I'D LIKE TO SELL YOU!
- I got tickets to see Dave Matthews Band in June, and I'm real excited. DMB is supposed to be fantastic. Still looking for someone to go with, but in due time...

THE EVEN MORE FUN STUFF
- My kids are doing real well, and we're back to the tight unit that we've always been.
- The job is going well
- I've got a number of websites that I'm about to launch that are going to be real cool. From fishing to writing and others, I'm going to have some real neat websites launching in the next few weeks.
- My pet silverfish keeps running away. ARE YOU STILL AWAKE?
- I've finally grabbed onto what I'm passionate about -- writing. I've done it forever but always wanted a little more -- to be that executive in the corner office. Not anymore. Writing is just fine for me. Pretty nice feeling.

I STILL CAN'T WAIT TO FALL IN LOVE AGAIN
- I can't wait, but I will. I now know that I won't settle. Whatever I settle for is what I ultimately get, so I'm shooting for the stars, and I'll wait until I get it.
- I've learned the teachings of the book 'The Secret' and I'm using them. They really work.
- Praying has also helped.
- I don't know what's happened, but a weight has lifted off of my shoulders in the past couple of weeks. It's an amazing thing. I feel content. Things are coming together for me.
- I deserve, and will have, the excellent relationship. I will have it, and I will settle for no less
- Can't wait to find my Dreamgirl - in due time, in due time...

What else do you want to know? Post a comment and let me know what you're looking for. You want me to tell you about my personal life, but I'm not hurting like I was a couple of months ago. So, I don't have that much fun stuff to tell. I will when it gets real exciting...

Enjoy!

:-)

Passion

We can live life in a number of ways. We can live life conservatively where we never take chances, do what others tell us, and are not noticed by anyone.

We can live life dangerously, constantly taking chances, doing what we want and being noticed by most everyone.

We can live life somewhere in between. Taking calculated risks, doing what feels right for us according to our individual needs and desires, and exposing ourselves to those that we choose.

I live life in between. I take risks when necessary, usually calculated but not always. I do what feels right, not what anyone else tells me to do (at this point in my life, no one except God will tell me what to do). I will surround myself with people that I will call 'safe.'

Most of all, I'm living my life with passion. Everything I do will be with passion.

• My writing and words again have my passion.
• I parent my children with passion so I can be a role model for them
• I work with passion (which, by the way, is my writing and words)
• I express myself, like playing guitar, with passion.
  

Of course, my relationships also have passion. Whether it's a friendship where I just hang out with someone to a full-fledged romance, passion will flow through them in conversation or physical contact, depending on the situation.

You must live passionately if you want to get the most out of things. The law of attraction says that you get out of things what you put into them, so you will get passion if you give it.

I'll live every day with passion.

Health

It's nice to feel like I have my mind back. She no longer haunts me. I don't think about her all the time anymore either. I used to spend my time thinking, sometimes saying aloud, "you don't know me," and the statements that I used to say to her every day.

The BPD's reality is a different reality from the normally functioning person. They think differently, all emotion and very little logic. Their logic is based on emotion. The problem is that a partner of a BPD is given this to deal with on a daily basis, and this illogical, emotion-based logic where emotions become facts becomes the non's reality.

Over time, this can do some serious damage to the non. I feel like for the most part, I fought a good fight. I should have NEVER admitted things of myself that I did not believe in an effort to compromise. I thought that it was the right thing to do at the time, but I was not true to myself in an effort to keep stability in the relationship. Big problem, I now realize.

I have my normal emotions, feelings and attitude toward life back. I no longer possess the BPDs baggage, fears and emotions, like she so adeptly gave to me. My reality is back, and it's real nice to have it back.

Life's back on track. The interesting thing is that I have no idea where things are taking me. That's okay. I no longer fear the things that I did six or four months ago. I don't really think that I fear much at all now. The holes that I needed to fill are filled, and ones that I thought needed to be filled are no longer holes. They went away.

Particularly the hole with regards to sex.

When you're with a BPD, your sexual needs are met, and then some. Suddenly, your sexual needs change so that they're more than they've ever been because of the BPDs use of sex. They use it to hook you in and keep you hooked. You fear leaving the BPD and never having sex like that again.

With time, you learn that the sex while frequent and without boundaries, isn't that good where it can't be replaced. After all, these people do have few boundaries, but they're human. I've written this before, but there are sections in bookstores that are devoted to sex, and you can't tell me that only BPDs and their partners are reading these books and having good sex. There are adult stores, and I don't think that only BPDs and their partners (which would be 4 percent of the population) are patronizing these stores.

I've also realized that the constant battle, then make love, is also quite dysfunctional. There needs to be time to heal the wound and reconnect in a healthy way. You cannot have such extremes in a relationship.

I now believe that the sex with a healthy person can (and will;-) be so much better than sex with a BPD. While there will be healthy, flexible boundaries, I've always believed that two loving, caring partners will connect and go to a higher emotional and spiritual level. This level cannot be attained with a BPD, or if you can attain it with a BPD, it's only temporary. Healthy relationships maintain this level and actually build on this level, going to new levels as the relationship develops.

It takes time. Healthy partners, however, will appreciate this level and want to reconnect regularly so they can get back to this level.

When in a dysfunctional relationship, the sex may have been good, possibly better than any other relationship. Having good sex is a prerequisite to any good relationship. You cannot accept mediocrity, even in the sexual area.

My emotional well-being is on an even keel again. Nice to feel like I'm driving my own ship, I'm in charge, and things are back to stable. Life is good.

Angel

I've got an angel
She doesn't wear any wings
She wears a heart that could melt my own
She wears a smile that could make me want to sing

She gives me presents
With her presence alone
She gives me everything I could wish for
She gives me kisses on the lips just for coming home

She can make angels
I've seen it with my own eyes
You've got to be careful when you've got good love
Cause them angels will just keep on multiplying

You're so busy changing the world
Just one smile and you could change all of mine
We share the same soul

--Jack Johnson

What You Thought You Need

What You Thought You Need

I can't give you everything you want
But I could give you what you thought you need.
A map to keep beneath your seat, you've been to me in time I'll get you there.
I fold it up so we don't find our way back soon, nobody knows we're here.

We can park the van and walk to town
Find the cheapest bottle of wine that we could find
And talk about the road behind how getting lost is not a waste of time.

The water moor will take us home in the moment we will sing as the forest sleeps.

Well it's all for the sake of arriving with you
Well it's all .. for the sake of arriving with you

Well, I will make the table into a bed
The candle is burning down its time to rest.
I can't take back things already gone, but I could give you promises for keeps.

And I would only take them back if they become your own and you give them to me .

And it's all for the sake of arriving with you.
Well it's all for the sake of arriving with you.

We could make this into anything
We could make this into more than words we speak.
This could make us into anything
It could make us grow and become what we'll be.

Mmmmmm...
How and we really know
It's just like it feels.

-- Jack Johnson

....days are getting brighter and brighter...

Beginnings

Bright new beginnings are on the horizon. The memories are becoming good, and the sky just got much more beautiful. The world is getting bigger, and opportunities are blossoming. How nice a feeling -- things are coming together.

Everything happens for a reason -- the lower you sink, the higher you can rise. You don't ever want to let yourself sink to those low places, so you learn how to keep yourself clear of them so they never happen again. I'll never let myself feel that way again. Ever.

Goes back to my new rules -- Never accept being treated badly. Ever.

It's a new me -- a better me. A smarter me. More sensitive? No, but that's okay.

I'm still me, just me, but there are bright skies on the horizon. Time to do it. Go for it.

Putting It To Bed

It's time to put it to bed. There are too many possibilities out there right now, and life is just too darn good to worry about these things anymore. It's tough when you're in a relationship with a BPD because you end up sacrificing most of yourself for them.

When you get out of the relationship, you don't know what to do. Every moment that you have of free time -- isn't free. It's spent devoting yourself to the BPD. When you do suddenly get a free moment, you feel paralyzed because you're so afraid that the BPD will accuse you of a multitude of things.

Anyway, she can't haunt me anymore. I'll still be looking over my shoulder for some time, but that will also subside in time. She can't make my life crazy anymore, which is nice.

It's my life again. The Me Project will continue, but in terms of closing this chapter, I'm turning the page. I'll continue to heal, but I'm not feeling so crushed, so hurt, so chaotic anymore.

The time has come. Move on. Stay healthy. Make sure that the next partner is emotionally healthy and stable, does not have huge amounts of baggage, supports me, etc. They'll have substance which I admire and respect. They'll be driven.

Goodbye Oz. I'm going back to the real world, living life day by day, planning for the future.

I can't wait to see what's coming my way.

Day By Day

The days seem to be getting better. They seem to be a little brighter every day.

There are a lot of things happening that are helping to contribute to me feeling better:
- Part of it is WTO,
- part of it is time.
- Part of it is the books.
- Part of it is the people in my life
- Part of it is the things that I'm doing to occupy my time and fill the holes in my life
- Part of it is church.

I'm starting to reprogram all of the bad memories that she put in my head. All the "you're bad" thoughts that she gave me. And I took it.

What kind of person tells another that you're bad? Only a maniac.

God, all of the things, from the beginning, are now starting to come together. I think she deceived me regularly:
- The nights where she didn't call me when she was supposed to and said that a woman gave her a ride home, I don't believe. In fact, she started a fight the next evening as well and wasn't available. Looking back, she probably met someone and went out, then called me the next day and apologized.

It's all coming together. She lied about everything in the relationship and tried to pin that on me.

You learn that BPDs always lie -- their entire life is based on other people, and they have no sense of self.

She also shows huge signs of narcissistic personality disorder, as she was never wrong for anything and in the end wouldn't take accountability for anything.

How frustrating, though -- I put up with that crap. I feel angry, upset and not happy about how I was treated. What a frigging monster.

Den Is Back...or Is He??

After losing my soul, I'm back. Still healing, but back.

I have yet to get some of my regular spunk back, but that's because I'm not spending time with enough people, and the people that I am spending time with (at work mostly) aren't very spunky.

That's okay, it'll get better. With the right company, I can still be me, which is nice. It'll take more time to fully integrate back into the real world, but I'm getting there, learning a lot about new people.

So if anyone should ever wonder whether Den is back or not, he is. He's grown quite a bit, but he's back.

At the end of the day, I'm just a guy, a boy at heart that will never lose that sense. I enjoy simple things, like playing guitar, listening to music and being in a safe environment. I get the most out of my kids as I watch them become these amazing personalities.

Be sure to only show your vulnerabilities in safe environments. The wrong people will try to destroy you with your vulnerabilities. Don't let them.

Den is back though and the world's a lot better.

I Finally Understand

...why this breakup is so tough...

When you're broken up with because of normal reasons (I'm not into you), it's okay; you hurt, but you get over it.

When life is great together and you connect so well with someone, then the person breaks up with you because of crazy, unfounded, concocted, false things about yourself, it's tough.

That's what she did. In her paranoid dissociative state, she told me I:
- lied to her all the time
- tried to screw with her
- etc.

That's why she left. She would never trust me no matter how much I sacrificed.

By the way, one of the signs of abuse is extreme jealousy, which she had. My life was paralyzed because of it. But she takes no accountability, another sign of BPD.

Anyway, that's why it's so hard. She has split and I'm the evil one. Alternating between idealization and devaluing.

What a shame...

Is She Really Borderline?

Some people ask, was she really borderline? Ummmmm, I never wanted to give her a label, so I didn't for the most part. There were times that I did tell her that she was BPD, and then she'd say, 'I'm not, you are.' They say that's pretty typical.

Sooooo, let me go through the DSM Criteria for BPD and see if she fit into it or not. I took this excerpt from www.recovery-man.com (the authors comments are in parens -- my comments on whether she fits this are in [brackets])

DSM Definition of BPD (My notes are bracketed by parenthesis.)

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects (mood swings), and marked Impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1.Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in (5). (Desperation / rage if they think they are being abandoned, intense feelings of sadness, loss and fear when their partner is away, a need to have access to the partner at all times, inability to allow their partner their own life and friends, a belief that healthy independence in their partner is a threat to them.)

[When we first started dating and I lived in Delaware, when I would leave and go to Delaware, 2 hours after I had left, she would call and begin accusing me of things. I used to talk her out of it and she would be okay. I called it separation anxiety and thought it was cute, but clearly this was the case.

*Also, at work, she always had to have access to me. I did not once, I mean once, not take her call. When I was traveling in Europe, 3 days away cost me $1100 in cell phone bills]

So, the verdict??? YES

2.A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. (The partner of the person with BPD, friends, coworkers or the person with BPD themself is seen as wonderful or perfect, or as evil and rotten. People and things are seen as rigidly black and white by people with BPD - there is no normal middle ground.) People with BPD are highly intolerant of / unable to deal with the gray areas in life. This is called "splitting."

[Ummmm, she has a restraining order against one of the last boyfriends. She thinks that he's evil, always lied to him, etc. I was her savior, then I became that guy. Now she thinks that I'm out to get her. Need I say more? The victim of another evil person]

The verdict??? YES!

3.Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self. (Confusion about goals, career, life choices, sexuality or sexual orientation. Persistent questions and discomfort with their perceived role in life. Pervasive issues related to "who am I" and "what is my role in the world". Many people with BPD change careers frequently or enter careers that give them a clearly defined framework and sense of identity, like large corporations or the military. Others fall prey to cults or fundamentalist religions that control all aspects of their life. Fundamentalism can be comforting for people with BPD since the "black and white" nature of these religions give them a framework that fits their world view.) See *Author's Note

[Well, she's okay with this one. Had a lot of jobs before working at a big corporation, then left to parent. Now, she's into writing -- I always told her that she needed a job to give her structure because without it she was driving herself crazy and making me the object of all of it, so I could argue for Yes with this one, but I won't -- yet}

Verdict? NO

4.Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging
e.g., uncontrolled spending, reckless driving, substance abuse, dangerous sexual acts or unsafe sex, binge eating, thrill seeking or risk taking behaviors. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in (5).

[Well, her old boyfriend said that she was a drunk and had to be taken out of bars by the ambulance because she was so drunk. She popped illegal pills (speed) to control her weight when we first started dating. She's had threesomes.]

Verdict??? YES

5.Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior. This can be manifested as overt suicide attempts, drug or alcohol abuse, unsafe sexual behavior, or as a pattern of "living dangerously"; this also includes cutting, burning, piercing, and sexual self mutilation.

[She said she wanted to kill herself two different times, when she was taking stop smoking medication. I think that's why she said it. This wasn't a problem with her too much. ]

Verdict??? NO

6.Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days. (People with BPD are intensely moody and volatile emotionally - mood swings and huge shifts occur seemingly "out of nowhere". This is why people with BPD are often misdiagnosed as having Bipolar disorder, and therefore improperly medicated.)

[It's like you could snap your fingers and she would go from the sweetest woman you'd ever met to someone that was so nasty. She would think that you were taking advantage of her and would be so mean and nasty. Mood swings are an understatement]

Verdict??? YES

7.Chronic feelings of emptiness. (Generally manifested as sadness, loneliness, isolation, aimlessness, feeling empty without a project or relationship to distract them. People with BPD's low self esteem is often masked by public displays of ego, feelings of superiority or an intense need to control themselves, other people, places and events.)

[She said that when she's not in a relationship, she feels so lonely. I won't give her this one, because I can't read her mind and she wouldn't admit this to me]

Verdict??? NO

8.Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger
e.g., frequent displays of temper, uncontrolled anger, violent rages, recurrent physical fights, threats, sexualized expression of anger through violent or abusive sex.

[She said to me before she left the last time I saw her, "If you have anyone here, I'll make you regret it. She overreacted to a number of things. She hit me a number of times, then said "that's because you deserved it...wtf???"]

Verdict??? YES

9.Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.
(BPD may manifest as a belief that those who love them wish to hurt, control or destroy them. This is especially common in times of stress. Ongoing belief that they are being followed, threatened, observed or are always at risk. BPD's see the world as a dangerous and frightening place and remain constantly on guard, even in safe environments and with safe people.)

[This one is big for her. She thought that I was 'doing things to get a rise out of her,' she would change history to fit her fancy (I once said 'if I moved to Morristown, you'd freak;' her mind changed that to 'if I moved to Far Hills, you'd freak' (I did look for a place in Far Hills, so this could prove that I was screwing with her).

It's funny, because she used to accuse me of having Dissociative Identity Disorder (among a littany of other illnesses). Yet she dissociated abnormally.

Verdict??? YES

So, she has met 6 out of 9 of the characteristics of BPD -- I've shown through her behaviors how she has the disorder.

The only reason I put this here is because my belief has been challenged; I wanted to show it beyond a shadow of a doubt.

Unfortunately, she's too far gone to get treatment, although the illness is treatable:

Borderline Personality Disorder is treatable with conventional therapy, geared toward impulse control, anger management and behavior modification, and also responds well to proper medication. (The misdiagnoses of BPD as Bipolar Disorder is very common - and generally leads to improper medication.)

Sadly - the overwhelming internal chaos, fear and shame often result in People with BPD refusing treatment. Treatment for BPD is a long term process, but can lead to a much better quality of life for the Person with BPD and their partners and families.

One more thing about her -- she's a great "mask": Also from www.recovery-man.com:

People with BPD often "mask" well - meaning that they present a "I have it all together" face to the world, at work and to their therapists. People with BPD are often very charming, funny and engaging when they are not suicidal or raging. They work hard at covering their tracks; generally only those who are very close to them are aware of the emotional roller coaster going on inside. People with BPD frequently project their issues onto others. ("I don't have a problem - YOU have a problem.") As a result, people with BPD often live lives of misery, remaining undiagnosed or misdiagnosed. (and therefore improperly treated.) Borderline personality disorder is very painful for both the person with BP and the people in their life.

I feel for her girls -- wish I could do something for them

The Chaos Continues

Yesterday, she calls a counselor that we both saw together and apart -- she tells them that she fears for her safety.

This is a silly game that she's playing. I really don't think that she knows the implications of the game. It's like a drama to her, and she's willing to get whatever players are necessary to punish me.

Now, she wants to punish me. The splitting occurred. I'm now a bad guy, I'm a sadist, I'm here to 'screw' with her.

My God, like I'd screw with anyone, particularly her.

I sent her some text messages on Saturday night telling her that she lied to me. That I discovered that she was convicted on charges of terroristic threats and other charges. That she never told me that her husband tried to strangle her and that he was the bad guy before he died.

I also told her how much I was still hurting, and I asked her how many more lives she would ruin before she would get help.

Think that's the one that made her react with the 'I'm scared for my safety.' Because I told her that she's being found out, Her lies have been found out, and she's now getting exposed.

She moved from one town because no one in the town talked to her because of her actions. Now I'm starting to see what she did in past parts of her life and the implications of her actions.

Anyway, I'm obviously pissed off, tired of being accused of trying to hurt her. How ridiculous. I wouldn't hurt a fly, let alone someone I used to share a bed with every night.

I used to share a bed with this woman. Look at how she treats me. I cared for her dog, and I cared for her children. Now that's gratitude.

That's insanity I tell you. Downright insanity.

The last time she thought I was threatening her (and this is a new one -- this never happened in the past) was when I sent her a message that said, "I open my heart to you and you put the knife in." Like that is somehow a threat to you.

I had to send her a follow up email that indicated that this was said figuratively. My God when the BPD splits, you go from being a God in their mind to the Devil.

I'll never have this happen to me again. This is the most emotionally draining and emotionally painful experience that I've ever been in. My career and other parts of my personal life have essentially died as a result of the turmoil in this woman.

Now, I need to figure out why I took it for so long:
- Some parts of the relationship were amazing, especially in the beginning
- We moved in early, which shackled me. At times when I could have moved out (when she kicked me out), I found excuses to stay
- Finances have been very tight for me as I've gone through the divorce
- I truly believed in the relationship. I believed that she would realize how special the relationship was and would change

I sometimes think that she'll come around, but I've got to write her off. She's out for blood now with me and will do whatever she can to take me down. She'd love to find a way to have me arrested or whatever she can do. What a hostile, vindictive, ugly person at the core.

On the outside, she seems like such a beautiful, warm and loving woman.

What a shame.

Upward and onward.

Step Forward, Step Back

God my mind won't stop moving with this entire thing. I still miss her. I miss the things that we did together. I miss the world that I built. I miss all those things.

Here are some of the things that I've realized:
- My world isn't bad now. In fact, it's pretty good. I've built a pretty good world around me.
- I will meet someone that replaces her and meets my needs (I think..:))
- If I don't meet someone that replaces her and meets my needs, I'll be okay
- This healing thing is a process

I met an old lover of hers this past weekend and we compared notes. Just as I thought -- she made him into some monster that he isn't. She told me that he used to lie all of the time, he was a narcissist, etc. The stories he told were just terrible -- the things that she did, and the things that he let her get away with. No frigging good.

God she was a frigging maniac, now that I think about it. I loved a maniac. I loved a sick person who used her body to fulfill some sick inner needs. God, the things that she told me were so twisted by her. Amazing.

The worst thing is that when you're with someone, they abuse you. It's a gradual process that they put you through. They invade boundaries and put the responsibility on you.

One of the very early boundary invasions was when she questioned me: "Who filed for divorce -- your or your wife?"

Why does this matter? Because she needed to know if I was kicked out of the marriage and that I'm a bum, or if I left on my own.

I told her that I left my now ex wife. I didn't tell her that she had filed for divorce, however, because of a number of reasons. We tried to put the marriage back together, but it wasn't going to work.

She actually had looked up the court records and found that my ex had filed for divorce. Who scrutinizes another at such a level? Who has the time to do such a thing?

I took it, apologized for not telling her upfront, then she gave me some speech about being honest with her.

This is abuse, I now know, and it's one of the tricks of the abuser. They make you feel like you've done something wrong when, in fact, they were the one that violated the boundary. A counselor indicated that the relationship would become abusive. They told me that after 6 months. From the beginning, it was abusive. I didn't know it.

The abuse was rampant throughout the relationship. She regularly violated personal and professional boundaries because of her misery and trying to put as much as she could on me. I took it. Ironically, after the counselor told me that the relationship would be abusive, she suddenly began calling me abusive. That's funny, every time she learned something new (most times things that I taught her), I became that:
- I was a sex addict after she watched an Oprah show on sex addicts
- I taught her about the term "projection" and I was suddenly projecting my guilt onto her
- I taught her about the term "passive aggressive" and I was suddenly doing things to her in a passive aggressive manner
- She read a book on narcissists. I was suddenly a narcissist, and so was her last boyfriend

God it just never stopped. Yet I still miss her and her insanity. The relationship, in my mind, was pure and innocent. Obviously, she felt otherwise.

I think I suffered from my Dulcinea syndrome though.

I just want to be over her. I want to be over her so badly that I'll do whatever it takes to just be done. But it is like an addiction. You do anything to have one more interaction with her.

Enough. Time to move on. Life's too short. Enjoy every moment. Celebrate everything, including your defeats. They all have a greater purpose.

What was the purpose of this one?

Take The Next Step

I can tell that there will be days when it's difficult, but I've definitely turned a corner. I miss the relationship that we had, the good parts of her. I don't miss her. In fact, I can't stand her.

The events that took place in the past week showed me her true colors -- they showed me who she was, how she acted regardless of the stimuli. I won't take responsibility for 'screwing with her' anymore, because I didn't. She can make me feel like I did, but I didn't. There's no way to do the things that she said -- I'm just not made up of the things that she says.

It's a shame that she's crazy. There's a side of her that's the best. Unfortunately, that side's not the true her. It's someone that she's formed over the years, but it's not the ugly person that's underneath the surface.

Oh well, onward. I can't always write about it and wallow in it. Time to move on. Get myself together. Update the iPod so the sad songs aren't in there anymore. I'm tired of being sad. Tired of wallowing in my own pity. Time to enjoy life again. I'm tired of worrying about a crazy.

What did I learn, the biggest thing I figured out from this?

Never date a crazy.

Me Time

Enough of this. It's back to her turmoil. We haven't spoken once, and via email and text messages, she has me back in anxiety land. She's back to:
- Telling me that I'm a liar
- Telling me that I'm a sick person who is screwing with her
- Not saying anything nice.

I can't do it. She sent me a message saying that she needs to move on, and the protocol now is to contact her and beg her, or go over to her house to prove that I want her. After I didnt respond, she sent me a real nasty note saying that I would never be like Jeff (her ex husband) and I'm downright evil.

Mom and Dad told me that I shouldn't talk to her at all. Cut off all communication altogether. Chris told me that he was disappointed in me.

Looking back at the past week, this was the way my life was every day. That sucks. No one, I mean NO ONE deserves that crap.

Know what it's like when you're with someone who, when you tell them something, later tells you that you said something different.

It's insane.

She's insane.

Unfortunately, over time, you begin to question your own sanity. Even though these issues are clearly hers, she makes them yours.

And you take some of them. You can't help but do it. It's a shame, but true.

In the end, it's just too much. Way too much for anyone to take. She's going to have to get herself some help or she'll keep repeating this pattern over and over.

I used to be afraid that she'd find someone that she wasn't this way with. I can't be afraid. That's not my problem. In three to four months, I'll be okay, I know it. I'm beginning to feel better already, actually.

It's time for me. Time for Den and putting some time into himself. Things to do:
- Get the career on track. Write freelance or for an industry that I want to. Try to get my tail back into the fishing industry in any way possible.
- Learn how to make that guitar sing like a little girl. Make that baby cry, do whatever I want it to.
- Finish the book
- Get into kick ass shape
- Keep getting the kids together
- Get the finances in order

Enough of this bullshit. That's what it is bullshit. I'm not here to continually make someone feel good so they can shit on me. Not only that, the stuff she says isn't true. I've put my time into someone who's truly psychotic. Enough of this bullshit.

Time to go. Update the iPod so the sad songs are gone. Shed the martyr, feel sorry for myself, sad shell and put on a new coat of armor. Tired of feeling bad. Time to feel good and live my life to its fullest.

God I Miss It Still

After saying my goodbyes, sending my goodbye note and going through my goodbye ceremony, it feels like it could come back together. I don't think it can, but I think that it's the feign that happens before we finally say goodbye for good.

This is a shame, that I think like that, but I don't believe that she has what it takes to put it back together. I don't know if I have what it takes. It's so painful without her, but I don't think being with her would be better. It would be back to turmoil. No way to deal with that either -- if she refuses counseling, then there's nothing I can do.

This could just be a quick reminisce session, I don't know. There's a part of me that feels like I could put it back together. I know that I'm up for the challenge, but is it what I want? This would be my life -- there would be a large chance of divorce, a large chance that we'd be back apart in a short period of time, and I'd pull lots in -- our kids in particular.

I miss the good times. We were so good together, when we were together and we her paranoia didn't set in. We were so good together. We were so good together when it was us and we were working together. I loved it when we were firing on all cylinders.

She hasn't turned anything bad yet, but if there's a time to turn it bad and see my responses, now's the time. We'll see if she turns it bad or not. I'm holding my breath.

God I miss what we had. I can't imagine myself back there though. I can't imagine it at all. That's the freaky thing though. It would be a completely different world for the two of us.

It's a long shot. A real long shot. Not sure what's right now, but I feel...strange about it all.

Going to continue on my path. Keep going to the gym, working on me and the kids. Not sure what to do. Can't go back to the world like it was before, but want to go back to the good parts of that world.

Delawhere?

It started there two years ago this past weekend -- she came down and we had the time of our lives. The absolute time of our lives. We ate sushi every night (had me-so-horny soup before the sushi), drank martinis and had our naked coffee talk, exposing ourselves to each other.

At that time, I thought that the naked coffee talk was so special, so magical. She was the first that had been comfortable with themselves to do such a thing, and that spoke volumes. Sit there, talk about life and what drives you, completely exposed and stripped down.

The problem is that's just your physical appearance. A lot more goes into a person that's beyond the beauty. Just because the woman was comfortable with her nakedness doesn't mean that she's comfortable with her true self.

I was looking for someone that was comfortable in their nakedness and with their true self. She wasn't comfortable in the second, no matter how she tried to convince me. My god, she has tried to convince me.

Anyway, I learned a lot this weekend. I learned that I had a world that was wonderful, that had so much hope and so much happiness, before I met her. The world was mine, a world that I built, a world that I loved. A world where I was respected and treated with decency because I have that integrity.

A world where I'm the guest of honor and annual conventions, and I present awards, give seminars, etc. I loved that world.

The divorce made me leave that world. She wanted me to leave that world. You need to do what makes you happy, and that world made me real happy.

Think it's time to make a change.

It makes me crazy because she thinks crazy thoughts, things that just aren't true, particularly of me. It's so much about her, so much about her world and her mind and what everybody's doing to her. At my expense.

I'll never let this kind of thing happen to me again. Ever. Too much pain, too much turmoil, too much of the nightmare.

Someone told me she was like an addiction, and she is. Absolutely addicting. But she's vilified me so it doesn't matter. I'm the monster according to her.

Don't want to be told this anymore because it's just not true.

Found Most of It

Here's my old blog that I wrote before meeting Karen -- before our first date. I thought it was a good indicator of how I thought, what drove me and where my head was at. It's funny how someone can grow so much in two years time -- I'm a lot different of a person, fundamentally the same, but growing in leaps and bounds in some ways.

Den's Weblog

Welcome to my web log! This is my free writing, my thoughts, feelings, successes and failures. Want to discover my true essence and have some fun along the way? Read on.

Main

January 25, 2006

Showtime

It’s the time of year when I begin working the fishing shows. People at these shows come primarily from a different walk of life; a lot of them only come out of their hiding to attend these shows. They’re often the bruised, the battered, the beaten.

Don’t get me wrong – the fishing community is largely a part of the larger world, and there are plenty of people here that one would consider normal (but, what is normal, but that’s for another time). But many of us anglers are different, and we know we’re different. We’re driven by fish. The striped bass, the flounder, trout, tuna, marlin, and other species dictate how we act and what we do. We study their movements, their habits, how it relates to time, tides and moon cycles, and so on. We keep journals that illustrate how many fish we caught on certain days, and analyze trends. Many of us are hardcore, and we fish that way.

It’s a good way to live life, though. The things you see when you’re fishing are phenomenal, from the dolphins porpoising all around the boat to the birds, the sunrises and sunsets and more. The most beautiful things in the world I have seen while on the water, and it reminds me of how little I am in the grand scheme of things.

Back to the people. They’re a good group overall, but some are quite bizarre. Many are quite quiet, many disturbed, many alcoholics, and many rednecks.

You experience this first-hand when you’re at the show. In life, you surround yourself with people that are like you, have your same attitude towards living and how to treat others. At the shows, you experience people that you may not socialize with, but you still need to talk to them, work with them, and make them loyal readers of your magazine. You also need to work with your advertisers, making them loyal to the magazine as well.

Note: I began writing this at a show, feeling like the people that were there were a bunch of freaks! By the end of the show, my feelings had dissipated and actually turned around! Over the course of a long weekend, I got to rekindle many relationships with advertisers, retailers, general anglers. I also got to talk with a number of our readers, some of whom had called me; what a wonderful experience. It’s nice to feel like your work means something to someone, and they see the direct results of my labors.

My favorite part of the shows is giving seminars. At these sessions, I speak to others and showi them the passion that one can have with fishing. I get to bring them the magic and paint them the picture that they may or may not have experienced.

I love people, and feed off of their energy. I want them to feel my energy; I want to excite, stimulate and inspire. I want to lead.

The more I think about it, the more it makes sense for me to be some type of speaker where I can inspire and lead others. It would be my ultimate position, working with others so they can reach their personal best. From college, I looked around and said that the world needs to see change, and I wanted to change it. I wanted to make things different, to paint a different world for people.

My Big Brother (in my fraternity – don’t have a big brother genetically) Dave is a motivational speaker. He talks to corporations and gives speeches on being a better person, has a motivation hotline and a self-published book and audio series as well. Maybe I work with Dave on something. Maybe we go for the individuals. Maybe I write a book and follow it up with a speaking tour. Maybe we do infomercials on cable TV.

Need to do something.

I feel so fragmented in my approach to life right now, but I’ve got so many possibilities. My goals are simple:
1. Make some short-term income that can help supplement my income.
2. Build long-term income towards investments, including real estate, so I can be financially self-sufficient.
3. Have fun!

Number three is important in the grand scheme of things, and I won’t sacrifice my personal life for professional. I’m happy for the balance to go out of whack for a little bit, but never too long.

I’m going to continue with getting hosting done and working with Goose – he’s absolutely visionary, and we can both benefit from the work. The dude’s on the bleeding edge and continues to have what we saw in him when we were teens:

“Goose, we need something that will do the following. Now go make it.” He’d make it and then some. Never lost that talent.

Don’t make money for someone else forever. Make it for yourself and those closest to you first, boy.

Posted by Dennis at 04:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBacks (0)

Reunion

My high school reunion was such a wonderful experience. To see all those people that I hadn’t seen in years was so enlightening, so nice, that I wouldn’t have traded it for the world. The only way that I’ll miss any future reunions is if I’m too ill, as the opportunity to see the people that I grew up with is still such a rare opportunity.

I miss them all. I miss the security that I felt in high school. College was initially tough for me, because I felt so accepted in high school, and it took me time to feel that level of acceptance in college. It was partially my own doing (not feeling accepted in college), but I quickly learned how to play the game, and things were fine.

The reunion was uneventful overall. Watching all the cliques disintegrate was a wonderful things. I watched the “cool” people talk to the braniacs, and vice versa. It’s like after 10 years, they all finally got it – too bad that for many, it was too late.

Even though it’s only for a night, I cherished the moment and thought about it for quite some time afterwards. I hope my children have the special moments and special experiences that I had while I was in high school. I’m not sure why, but I felt akin with everyone in that town, and I’ll never forget that feeling. I think that it’s given me the confidence and drive that I have now and continues to pay large dividends.

I got the opportunity to see some old girlfriends. The first love of my life was there. She was beginning to look a little ragged and not as absolutely gorgeous as she was when we were young; not only that, she was still trying to associate with the cool crowd. Ironically, my Dad said that she came to my parents’ house a couple of years ago looking for me; he never told me, because I wished she and I had gone to lunch or dinner just to catch up.

My wife didn’t want to go to my reunion. She said that she wouldn’t know anyone and would not have fun. It made me sad and was telling of the road that we were on.

I got to see other girlfriends as well, some of whom were fully pregnant. We danced and told each other how we missed each other. What a great experience, as always.

Clearly, one of the best people that I saw was Korin, my neighborhood friend and the best female friend that I had in High School. She asked me to sign her yearbook (as I hadn’t signed it in high school), and we spent lots of time together. I met her husband who seems like a real nice guy, and I was quite happy for her. After the reunion was over, everyone went up to a suite that someone had reserved for the night where we continued having fun.

Korin, two other people (I can’t believe I’m forgetting their names right now!) including Brian Davidson and another girl, and I sat around as Brian played guitar and we all sang. I swear that we sang 30 songs and had the best time, just like old times. No matter what we did, we were able to kick loose, let go and have a great time. We were comfortable with one another, knew everything about each other and knew that things were going to be okay.

When the night was over, I walked Korin back to her room as I left to go home. Korin said to me, “you had so many girlfriends in high school, but you never wanted to date me.”

I’ve often thought about what Korin said to me back in 1998 after our 10-year reunion. Nearly 10 years later, I still think about it. I never knew and did not want to broach such a solid friendship. I know that a friendship will survive even tough times like that, but chancing that could have ended in disaster. Besides that, she always told me that she liked Eddie, and that’s another broach of trust that I wasn’t comfortable doing.

This girl meant the world to me. We did everything together; we used to talk about our relationships, our friendships, other people. We used to meet at night and just walk around the streets, listening to music and walking around, talking, laughing. We used to explore the woods together, go fishing and do whatever. After school, we would all get together and do goofy, goofy things. We didn’t have good times together – the time that we spent, now that I really think about it, were great. Fantastic.

It takes a lack of comfort to realize how important it is to be comfortable with someone. I was always so comfortable with her. Korin knew me, inside and out. I would have done most anything for her, and I don’t think that she knew it. Her parents were religious, and her father was a strict disciplinarian; I felt bad for Korin as her parents were hard on her and let her do little. She would have to lie to her parents to do what most others were allowed.

I wish she knew that I would have done anything for her. I wish that she had told me how she felt. I don’t know if anything would have changed, but she should have known.

I may contact Korin just to talk with her, because I feel that things are so unresolved with us. It’s not that I want to upset her family or anything, I just want her to know what she meant to me and that I’ll always care for her. She’ll always be one of my best friends, and I’ll always be here for her if she needs her. I hope she’s as happy as she deserves, because she’s truly a person with a good heart and soul, something that’s rare in this world.

Pretty soon, my 20 year reunion will be here. I’ll get to see everyone again, and I hope most everyone goes. I’ll be there.

Posted by Dennis at 04:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

Music

What a wonderful medium. I have developed such a love, such a passion, such a desire for music. I can lose myself, then find myself again, in music.

There’s little that allows you to express yourself in a more beautiful, or a more ugly, way than music. We are all artists in our own right, but musicians truly bring expression to a new level. Whether it’s a guitar, a piano, a full band, someone singing or whatever it may be, we all can get insights into others through their music.

Someone recently told me about one of their favorite albums, an artist that I barely knew and an album that I knew nothing of. I went and bought it and found a whole new world. A new level of passion, new feelings, and another part of expression:

We’re gonna rise from these ashes like a bird of flame,
take my hand
We’ve gotta go where we can shine

Show your true self. Break yourself down so you’re raw, you’re pure, you’re beautiful. Your inner anger, happiness, fears and confidence are shed in time, and learn who you are and what drives you, what inspires you, what scares you, if you wish:

Baby let’s go below the surface
To see what we can find
There’s no reason to be nervous
‘Cuz it happens all the time
I don’t want to go up to the mountains
I don’t want to go down to the sea
We’re gonna stay right here until we unravel
The mystery
While the lights of the city are shining below
Gonna hold on to you, girl and never let go
While everyone else is just walking around in their sleep
Baby let’s dig down deep

Let the music course through your ears, through your veins, through your soul, through your fingertips. Let it encompass your being. Let it overcome you, overwhelm you, overtake you, push you beyond your boundaries, then pull you back in, if you want to. It can do to you what you want, what you’re most comfortable with, or it can do nothing to you. You can let it inspire you to dance, or you can just listen. It’s what you make of it.

Sounds familiar.

Posted by Dennis at 04:41 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

January 23, 2006

The Winter Grind

Here I am, sitting in Baltimore, Maryland at a beautiful hotel and about to spend the week here. I'll be attending a local boat show and giving seminars. This year's going to be intense with the seminars, from the one I did last week and this past weekend to the ones I'll be giving at various club meetings -- I'm also the guest of honor at an annual convention in two weeks. The fun never stops.

The problem is that I have no personal life. I have absolutely no social happenings, and my guitar that I bring on the road with me is my only friend. There's nothing I can do but keep on going and get through it.

I see beautiful places. I miss my kids. I'm really missing them dearly. Brian's sick and Michael's birthday is in a week. I will be off for his birthday weekend, but it's just tough. I miss them more than anything.

So I whine a little bit -- let me get it off my chest -- it's my free writing (I'm beginning to see a pattern here). It'll be over soon, before I know it.

DJS

Posted by Dennis at 12:31 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

January 16, 2006

The Bookstore

I had to sit in a bookstore's coffee shop today as I waited for a delivery of magazines. To pass time, I did a lot of people watching; always a fun adventure when you're checking out the world in a bookstore.

You get to see all walks of life, from children, teens and college students to older adults. Some are socializing, while most are reading books and magazines; I wonder how many of these people will actually buy what they're reading.

There was one woman who was in the coffee shop before I sat down as I was waiting for my first cup of decaf. As she left, we exchanged glances, and I gave my normal hello to her. She was pretty, and as she left, I felt her walking away with her eyes locked on me as I looked at the book that I was holding. She stopped and was looking at a rack of magazines, so I glanced up quickly. Her eyes were still locked on me, so I smiled politely, then moved my attention back to the book I had in my hand.

This bookstore is located in Suburbia, about 3 hours from my present home. However, it's about 10 minutes from where the kids live, so I'm here pretty regularly. It's your typical Borders, containing volumes of books, of course, music, DVDs and the coffee shop.

After I got my coffee, I found a table, then sat down by myself, and started to read the book I picked out (another Me Project book). As I'm reading, I glance up. The woman who was looking so fondly at me has come back into the coffee shop, this time for something else to drink, a water I think. She's paying for the product and is 20 feet directly in front of me. She completes her purchase, stops to pick up a straw and sits down at the table right next to me. She has no book in hand, no nothing.

Your move, Den.

Do I know her? Is she someone I went to High School with? No, I'd remember her if she went to high school. Did I work with her?

No, I don't remember anyone that looks like her. I'd remember her if I knew her -- five foot, two, dark brown hair past her shoulders, slender and green eyes. I'd remember. I don't forget many faces and can usually put them back in the situations that I met them, if I concentrate.

I kept reading, paying little attention to her. I gave up my move. Game over.

The woman left within three minutes and marched right out of the store. I could be wrong, but I still suspect she came back into the coffee shop to talk to me, and I didn't bite. I hid behind the book that I was reading although I could feel her presence as she sat down at the table next to me, the smell of her perfume invading my table. Maybe I'm wrong.

Regardless, I should have spoken with her. We all go to a place where we think this person has some secret agenda and they're looking for something from you. I hid behind my security blanket, some book I took off the shelf, while I should have just small talked her. Even if she just wanted to drink something, most people (like me) like that interaction. But I was a coward, I feared the unknown, a conversation with a pretty girl that was probably going to be about nothing.

I would have gotten a lot from the conversation, as I would have had an opportunity to open my mouth on a day primarily spent in solitary confinement as I go to pick up magazines alone, drive alone, eat alone, read alone. I can't even really talk on the cell phone much as my cell phone's battery is weak.

Maybe I just think too much. Maybe I shouldn't worry about such things. However, if I don't worry about these things, won't I ever be able to benefit from the fear of talking to someone? I'm not afraid of talking with people that are older, younger or different than me (someone that I wouldn't date), but those that I would date I can just strike up a conversation. I often feel like they're going to think that I'm being contrived or feeding them lines.

Need to work on being able to small talk or big talk anyone.

Posted by Dennis at 04:38 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

tired

Just got back from a boat show over the weekend, and all I can say is that I'm tired. It was a long weekend show that ran all day long; we were sponsoring the fishing seminars, so I was running ragged making announcements and introducing speakers. Don't know if we'll do seminars at this show again, as they weren't as successful as I'd like; we had 20 people at most attend all the seminars, which is no good.

Enough about work; I'm exhausted.

The nice thing about the weekend was that I got to spend time in another city. The bad thing was that I really didn't get to do much; I befriended the bartenders at the hotel, and we would go to a local English tavern after they got off work for a drink. So, I walked a couple of blocks, had a drink then went home and to bed. Played a little guitar, but only a little -- the hotel said that I had to play in my room, and my Office Manager's son was working the show with me and staying in the same room. I didn't want to disturb him, so I played in the hotel hallway -- rediculous, but my 6-string was calling my name.

The nice thing about the weekend was the people I met. I met lots of people that had no agendas and just wanted to chat, or play darts or whatever. I was complimented many times as well, which felt good also. Need to learn to take compliments better.

Okay, time to go to bed. I'm tired but wanted to convey something. Have another hectic week, and I'm speaking this weekend. Need to prepare so I'm ready to roll...also need to do LOTS of work and get personal life in order; plenty to do, never enough time!

Posted by Dennis at 01:52 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

January 14, 2006

Unsure

It’s a strange time. Life’s right now in automatic mode. My weekends are packed with work, and my personal life is nonexistent. Seeing the kids now is a real chore and is downright impossible on some weekends. I know that the family/work balance goes out of whack sometimes, but for the amount that I work, it’s really crazy right now and will remain this way for some time to come.

Other personal items only get more confusing. I’ve been sent big messages that indicate the state of any relationships I have will remain distant, and that’s honestly probably the best. It’s still tough, as I feel a connection. I’ve never been wrong, but maybe this isn’t a mutual feeling. Maybe what I feel and see when we’re together is wrong.

Remember, this is my free writing; I’m going to be ambiguous because I can. If you don’t get it, don’t worry.

It may be the right time for me to feel a broken heart. Nothing’s gone far but I feel those emotional strings sometimes tightening. It may be good and will probably do me some good. I feel bad because I’ve broken so many hearts, and it’s not like I ever did it intentionally, but it’s just what happens. You need to love the way you love; if people fall for you and you don’t fall for them, or if the relationship changes and you feel the need to move on, you’ve got to move on. I’ve tried to rekindle my feelings in the past, and it usually doesn’t work.

There are times when you need to fly solo, or even go underground, and I’m beginning to feel like it’s my time to head down under. With the crazy work schedule, I don’t think that the world would even miss me. But I’ve been having so much fun that I don’t know if I should stop now; I still feel guilty at times for the amount of fun that I’ve been having.

The problem is that when you feel it, you feel it. Unfortunately, you may feel it, but the timing may not be right. It may just be a bad overall time, and you can’t push things. Have patience, my boy, have patience. If you wait and let things shake out, they may work out for the best. It’s tough though, because I’m used to pushing the issue and making things happen. I’ve learned how to have poise, but to use it and be patient isn’t always easy. The Me Project continues…

So, do I stop having fun? Stop going out and kicking loose? There’s really nothing that’s getting hurt – I don’t usually drink enough to even get drunk, and I’m just out and having fun. I’ve really learned to have fun and make almost any situation as fun as it can be. It’s nice to let go and be yourself.

The other night, I decided that I was going to head underground for the next three months. I’m not sure that I can head fully underground – I may need to go have fun, just not try to date or start any relationships. It’s a new day, and I, once again, need to work on me.

Get the business underway. Get caught up in all aspects of work. Get the abs in order. Get better on the guitar. Get the book done and out. Get it all together.

Get going, boy, get going…

Posted by Dennis at 06:41 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

January 11, 2006

Let my inspiration flow...

Not sure what's happened in the past couple of days, but I'm feeling re-energized, invigorated and ready to take on some big things. My workload has increased three- or four-fold, but it's okay -- I'm still finding time to write. The chains are broken again, and I'm back to heads-down into the empowered world. It's a good world, and it's a good thing.

Inspiration, move me brightly...

It's strange how you go from being under- to over-inspired over time; what I need to work on is having a steady flow of creativity, but, of course, it's not like the old days. When you are a copywriter by trade, you unleash your mind so you can go new places and explore new things. Then you become a manager, and the shackles begin. I often shed them through creative writing and outdoors writing, then I became the Editor of an outdoors publication...back to the shackles.

I'm easily inspired and need little to turn it on. I can usually do it myself, but I was having a tough time getting out of my own way! When you see it and feel it, you know:

"Once in a while you get shown the light, in the strangest of places, if you look at it right..."

Back on. It's back on, big time. No shackles, no nothing. In a free fall and loving every minute of it. Hopefully, I'll be flying soon...

Where to start? So much to do, so little time. Start slow, and work yourself up to the fever that you feel. That's what I'm doing. Starting to get up early in the morning, moving on a couple of things quickly, then keep moving. Get your day's work done, then let go and see where it takes you.

It may be the mixture that my life has right now -- between work, working out and extracurricular activities, it's got a decent balance, and I'm finally free to go where I need to go. Pretty liberating.

Confused? I'm sorry. Remember, it's my free writing. Doesn't have to always make sense, and because I publish it on the web, I need to be ambiguous at times.

You also meet people in your journey that help inspire you and help you break your shackles. They don't need to know it, and it's nothing that they've done. That's the beauty of inspiration, it's a pure force that grabs your spirit and motivates from within. When inspired, your greatness abounds.

Okay, now I'm just babbling. Time for a run!

-- den

Posted by Dennis at 04:26 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

January 10, 2006

The Me Project Continued

The Me Project continues. I'm continuing to work on myself and sometimes even focus on myself so I can make me a better person. My ultimate goal? To push myself beyond my current boundaries -- to continue to grow personally and professionally so I can reach new hights and levels of satisfaction.

The process has led me to read quite a bit. In the past few months, I've read a number of books about maximizing my own productivity and happiness, including books like, "Date or Soul Mate?" Believe it or not, the books on finding people that match you push you to realize who you are before you go looking for someone else. Enough on that -- it's somewhat embarrassing, but indicative of my path, nonetheless.

Actually, that book was one of the better books that I read, as it asks you 20 questions about how you view yourself and how others view you. The results of it are quite eye-opening, and the whole process makes you look inside yourself.

You know, it's difficult talking about yourself, and it's something I need to work on. I get sick of hearing about me, and I find it easier to ask others questions about themselves then sit there and ramble on about myself. It gives others a comfort level that they have in me, because as I talk to them, I find out what level I can associate with them about.

Except her. She's got me in a tizzy, to talk like the locals do, right now. I'm finding that I can relate on her on almost EVERY level, and I don't think we've even dug deep enough to see how much it could be. Scared to jump, scared that I'll start holding on too much, scared not to hold on, but I'm just free writing. I've gotten off the subject. But it is my free writing, isn't it? Read some Joyce and you'll learn about stream of conscience!

Anyway, back to the Me Project -- stay focused Den, stay focused. Here are the current goals in the Me Project:
1. Get back into good shape. Down to 170 to 175 pounds and a better defined body
2. Career -- get back on track -- don't settle for mediocrity -- launch successful venture
3. Continue working on the kids and developing them -- teach them the 7 habits and help them internalize. Be sure that they learn at least one new thing when I spend extended time with them.
4. No smoking
5. Continue my learning on the guitar. By year's end, begin learning next instrument.
6. Continue surrounding myself with quality people. Find the best, most beautiful and smartest, and hold on tightly to them. Learn all I can from them and the examples they provide.
7. Minimize fear of the unknown. Embrace uncertainty and learn to thrive in that state. While I don't want to stay there, I've learned too much to turn back now.
8. See my family more. Need to see my Mom and Dad, brother and extended family as much as possible. I miss them.
9. See friends from High School more. Miss them dearly also and feel like I'm losing the connections (although I'm not).

Okay, enough for now. The Me Project continues and will continue.

Posted by Dennis at 10:04 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

January 07, 2006

Going to load in some free writing

I'm loading in some of my old free writing that I've done in the past few weeks. Some of it is new, some old, and in no particular order. My blogs were accidentally deleted, and I can't get them back. You should never lose your free writing -- it gives you a glimpse of where you were at when you wrote the material; where your head was.

Anyway, I may try to re-create some of this lost material, but, of course, I'm at a different place from where I am now. We'll see...

Please enjoy these blogs. They may be useful or interesting to you or they may not -- I always said I was an open book, but I never planned to be this open. Makes you feel kind of vulnerable. You need to expose your true self to grow as a person, so here goes, for as long as I can handle it.

Den

Posted by Dennis at 11:53 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

I've switched my blogging software

I've had to switch my blogging software, as the previous software was just so darn buggy. I'll try to recreate the old blog files -- some of them I saved to word processing, while others were erased completely. Today's will be recreated no matter what, but others may or may not.

If you're reading my blogs, let me know. Let me know what you'd like to see and what you wouldn't. Drop a line to dennis@dennissuler.com. Happy reading!

dennis

Posted by Admin at 10:35 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)

January 04, 2006

The Second Time Around

She comes back into my life; the first time was amazing - a connection that I can't explain, can't understand. Even when we were apart and communicated so little, her words pulled me in. The things she wouldn't even know:

"That's a lie, and I don't want to lie to her; I'd rather hope that she just forgets over time."

No liars. Be a straight shooter with me, even if it's bad. I'd rather know if this isn't what you're looking for, just tell me, I'll lick my wounds and move on.

The second time was as good, if not better, than the first. I felt crummy the first time, and unfortunately, this second time was her turn. We started off uncomfortable at first, then quickly talked through the uncomfortable moments.

The night again was amazing, with the connection happening again, this time in public. I still remember the moment.

She grabbed me tight, pulled me in close to her with all her might in a crowd of people and muttered something to the effect of, "don't do this to me!" I told her that this was what I was looking for.

"I'm starting to like you," she said as we drove along. I can't break my promise to you. I won't call unless returning a call, and won't harass you. When the time's right, we do it again. I won't push too hard, may nudge a little at times, but no pushing.

It's there. She knows it and so do I. I promised her that I won't like her, and I won't. I do like being with her, and I will tell her that. The funny thing is that if she was gone tomorrow it would be okay. I've enjoyed my time with her, and while I hope I can spend more with her in the future, I appreciate what we've done so far.

Don't be greedy.

I look back on the night and have a number of wishes. Wish we had gone home sooner together; I wasn't trying to get her too drunk or anything. I just wanted to show her fun. I forget that she knows how to have fun without me.

I don't remember the last time I asked somebody, "what are you thinking about?" I really wonder what she's thinking about. Where her mind's going. Not in a worrisome mode, but curious to see the adventures she has in there.

Someone who looks at the world differently. Someone who appreciates what is around her. Someone who is downright sexy. Someone who can have fun anywhere by letting go. Someone who gets that feeling of the magic in a moment, an experience, a thought, a touch...

"Don't touch me," she said as I put my hand on the small of her back and walked beside her.
"Huh, bu-," I tried to retort.
"Don't try to control me," she barked back.

The hand isn't one of control. The hand is one of support, one of caring, one of empowering. I've found that the best way to partner is to give up the reigns, or just take one, but don't try to control. I don't like it, and wouldn't like to try to be controlled. Provide support, empowerment and love, and all will work out just fine.

There's more, but that's for later. Another installment.

What's next? Don't know. Scary but exciting at the same time. Whatever happens does, and all I can do is let it happen. Buckle in.

Posted by Dennis at 12:12 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBacks (0)