The Me Project Is Changing

I started this blog over two years ago in an attempt to heal from a highly dysfunctional relationship. A relationship that I didn't understand that I needed to work through. One that left me feeling hurt, confused, scared, unsure of myself...all the things that you don't want when leaving a relationship.

When in a borderline relationship, there are too many things that are about the person inflicted with Borderline Personality Disorder:

- You are constantly making your partner feel good about themselves, alleviating them of their misery

- You are always helping them and supporting them with their constant self-loathing

- You continually are on your guard, waiting for the next time that the borderline will attack you, which will probably be just when you try to let your guard down for a moment

So, when you leave the relationship, you need to make things about you, for a change.

That's how the Me Project was born. Coming out of the relationship, I was hurting, hurting like I hadn't hurt before. So emotionally scarred, soft and tender, in so much pain, trying to get through each day, sometimes trying to get through each hour.

Those were bad times. I wouldn't wish them on anyone. I remember sitting at my family's house on Christmas 2007, tears running down my eyes as I laid on the couch. So alone after I had put so much into this relationship. I got nothing back and walked away feeling terrible -- probably another indication of such a dysfunctional relationship.

Over the next six months, I healed. Sometimes I felt great, while other times, not so great. I regressed quite a bit in March when we traded emails and text messages, then continued my recovery through the year.

Today, nearly two years after she and I last saw one another, I can say that I have healed. I have let go, I have forgiven her from the pain she inflicted on me, and I have moved on.

While the Me Project continues, this blog is no longer about me.

It's about each of you.

It's about you recovering Non's that have just learned that the person you dated (or are dating) probably has Borderline Personality Disorder.

It's about you Non's that just had your heart broken, ripped into shreds, by someone that you think is BPD.

It's about those of you that are recovering from a highly dysfunctional relationship. You don't know what happened, but you just feel raw. Like someone pulled a rug out from under your feet, and you landed on your head. Hard.

It's about you that suspect that you have Borderline Personality Disorder. You just don't get what your partners are screaming about. Why they keep saying these things to you and what it means.

So, the time for myself on this blog has now changed. I'll continue to provide life updates and tell my stories, but I'm also going to use material that you send me (send to mybpdrecovery@blogspot.com).

Thanks to each of you for helping to shape this blog -- please continue shaping this blog as we move into the future. Send me your comments, questions and general rants.

Welcome to the Us Project. It's not just my recovery anymore; it's yours too.

2 Years

This blog is going on its second anniversary, second birthday, second whatever you want to call it. I've been doing this for two years. I can't believe it.

What a crazy two years it has been. I remember when I first started blogging, it was this sort of passive-aggressive way for the Borderline that I was getting out my frustrations. I blogged once in November when the relationship was in its yo-yo mode.

I remember the pain that I would feel when she would outright reject me; before this time, I lived with her, so every night, I would come home to make the world right once again. Then, during the day, it unraveled.

Once we lived apart (I moved out in September 2007), her cycles of abuse got worse and worse. She began threatening the police. Although it hurt -- and I mean hurt like I've never felt before, I was getting stronger. I eventually stopped playing into her anxiety and went on my own. Two years ago is when I really began breaking the chains. Within a month, I was completely done.

I really wonder why I began writing the blog, now that I think about it. I think at first, it was my self-medication. Getting it out and off of my chest was medicinal for me. It's especially difficult to talk to your friends about your borderline relationship because your friends grow tired of hearing about the dysfunction that you live in, and you start to dislike telling others because you feel like such as sniveling idiot.

However, the blog has continued for a number of reasons. There was a time where I was writing for the BPD to see how I had "recovered" from the pain that she inflicted (I really hadn't recovered but wanted to put my best face on). I also thought that she would see the blog and feel really bad for what she did, and she would finally see how badly she was treating me. I'm not sure what I was thinking.

She did see the blog. On March 30, 2008, she was on the blog for over an hour and viewed 20 posts (which I think was about the entire blog at that time). I don't think she has viewed the blog since then, but I could be wrong. This one, I'm sure was her.

By the way, the way that I know this is through my web analytics program. This program will tell me the town that someone is from and the type of browser that they're using. The site got about 5 to 10 hits per day then, and she used a Mac (which was out of the ordinary), so I'm quite confident that she was on the site. The site used to be linked into my home page (I've since changed that)

The only thing I've heard of her since then was when the police contacted me on Father's Day because she accused me of breaking into her online photo albums and putting pictures of myself, which is downright goofy. By this point, I wasn't writing for her or to talk to her -- I was writing for me.

Most of the time, I've written this blog to heal. To make myself feel better. To get through the pain that I felt. Was it because the breakup was dysfunctional and with a borderline, or was it because it was just a difficult breakup? Probably a little of both.

"You are both so enmeshed that no contact is the only option," the psychiatrist told me when we discussed the breakup.

Enter Jennie. When Jennie and I started dating, I thought I was done healing. I stopped blogging out of respect for her and because I thought I had finished my healing. Jennie's good, though, and she wouldn't let me *not* heal, so she encouraged my blogging. After what I went through, I couldn't imagine someone who could be so encouraging, but she has encouraged it and has felt that the blog is a wonderful expression.

When I have felt like I was done blogging and I was going to stop, I begin hearing from all of the blog's readers. Everyone who comments, or those of you that send me emails (mybpdrecovery@gmail.com). If by sharing a bit of myself with each of you, I can help you heal, then I'll continue blogging. I'll continue to cover topics which are important, but will continue it as part of the me project -- it continues and will continue for quite some time.

The blog continues to get an increased number of followers, and the number of emails that I receive has increased. Web traffic has also increased, and readership spans the globe. BPD is not isolated to one country, or one continent, by the way.

So nearly two years ago, I began breaking the chains of the BPD relationship and started the healing process. Read my blog post titled Heal.

Since then, I've grown quite a bit and continue to grow. In upcoming posts, I'll highlight some of my growth and how I continue.

Thanks for reading. Let me know what you need and want. The Me Project Continues.

BPD Family Continued -- Control

ON THE SURFACE, the BPD's family seemed normal. Quite normal.

Things definitely weren't normal. However, she wouldn't reveal too much about her family. She always seemed to assert that they were normal, and they seemed normal to a fault. What I did know reeked of problems:

- The BPD's mother had her younger brother die as a toddler while under her care. Her parents were out of the house, and the child died when she was watching him. I think it was from SIDS or a similar illness. She is an alcoholic, drinking a bottle of wine every night by herself, self medicating herself from her early born soul wounds

- The BPD's father had a strange background. He was unemployed for quite some time and was home, not working, for a good portion of the BPDs childhood. I know that right before the BPD's parents were planning on retiring, he came to the BPD quite scared because he had racked up over $70,000 in credit card debt.

They were nice people overall, however, they were quite judgmental. They passed judgment on most everyone, most everything. At first, it seemed that they really liked me. Then, over time, I became a bad guy in their eyes, most likely because of the things that the BPD was telling them about me.

Control

One time, when the BPD had gone off about something and I sat her down for her daily talking-to where I explained the world to her, I was quite upset. I forget what she had done, but it was bad, and I wasn't happy.

The BPD was drinking at that time -- we drank espresso martinis. Out on her porch, when I began tell her just how unacceptable her actions were and seeing why she was acting the way that she does, she blurts out, "my parents were so controlling when I was a kid."

Huh? I never understood anything about that comment or sentiment. If you think about it, however, if you were her parents (particularly her mother), wouldn't you also be overprotective and controlling with your daughter?

I don't remember how her parents were controlling of the BPD. I remember that she felt like when they were growing up, they had no money and could not buy clothes that were comparable to those living in her affluent town in Central New Jersey. She also was not allowed to go out and do things that her friends were allowed. She went to college and kicked loose, never going home again. She met her husband in college and married him shortly thereafter.

I think that the Controlling Parents issue is pretty common with BPDs as there are BPD-focused books titled If You Had Controlling Parents. So, this seems to be a common thread with them.

Now, was the BPD just making excuses because she was about to be reprimanded by me? I'm not sure. Clearly, there were big issues with her parents that we never got near. The last counseling session that we had together, when she walked out in the middle of it, revealed that she needed to explore these issues more. The last night that we spent together, as we shared a bottle of champaign, she told me that when she fought with her parents and they asked her what was wrong, she was going to scream "I learned it from you," like the drug commercial.

So, the more I write, the more I realize just how dysfunctional it was. I've spent my last two years healing, not looking at her existence. These are clear indicators that I should have seen -- I guess that I did see these indicators and this is why I insisted on counseling so early. However, I got myself too involved -- I cared too much when there was so much out of my control.

We live. We learn. Life is not about all of our successes, but the journey that we take to get where we are.

I'm in a good place. Things aren't perfect -- they never will be. They're pretty good, and I'm grateful for that.

More Perception

I truly have come far since starting this journey two years ago. I was so scared, so lost, so fearful. I knew that the relationship was bad, I knew that it was toxic, but I wasn't ready to break the chains.

The more I'm blessed to live on this earth, the more that I realize that we all have different perceptions of things and the perception that is given to us helps us explain and understand the world. I've blogged about Perception before -- you can read about it here.

If I am correct and our perception is formed by those that are around us, those that influence us from the youngest years, then one's mental health is directly attributable to those that raised us, our caregivers.

If you are raised in an environment of turmoil, an environment of instability, an environment where you are unsure about your basic needs and if they will be met, is your mental health affected? Probably, but you are also busy worrying about having your basic needs of food, clothing and shelter met.

When the BPD would have an anxiety attack and freak out about something. I would sit down with her and ask her about what happened. I would ask her why she reacted like such, and eventually, I told her that such behavior wasn't acceptable. But she continued, and when I would react more and more unhappily, she had numerous excuses. One excuse was, of course, Bob and how she was traumatized by him. Another one, was that her parents were controlling. Very controlling.

We know that we inherit many of our parents' issues as children. Being the noble people that we are, we want to carry on the family tradition, the family dysfunction, so we inherit these things. I carried crosses from my parents and grandparents, as I'm that ultra-responsible person. So, does the BPD do this also?

I think partially. From my experience, it seems that BPDs are in a state of arrested development. They've learned to adapt to the world and behave quite well in normal social situations. They understand the concept of love, but they are not equipped to internalize the concept.

This is why loving a BPD is the same as your first or an early relationship. They understand the concept of love, but they have not matured enough to take an adult attitude towards relationships. They can use their body sexually, but they cannot go to deeper levels like a longstanding relationship has. Over time, a relationship deepens. Relationships with borderline stays on the same level, because they are not equipped to go to other levels.

Back to perception. If we see high anxiety at a young age, and if we see a state of arrested development at a young age, can we as children easily grow past the state of our parents?

I would argue that it would be difficult. Very difficult.

The BPD's mother had lost her younger brother as an infant or toddler while under her watch -- clearly a traumatic experience that negatively impacted the BPD's mother and her life. She probably placed this anxiety on the BPD. Ironically, the BPD had an older sister who was married and seemed to be better adjusted than her borderline sister.

However, they both had the same eyes, which was clear in pictures. It was anxiety eyes. More about this in future posts.

So, I've digressed quite a bit here and have not even gotten to my initial point about perception -- that our perception is so different, that our lives are formed by the perception that our caregivers provide to us from a very young age, and that the Borderline's perception is lost in a state of arrested development.

Finally, I looked back at my old posts about Perception. Reading the posts that I wrote back then saddens me. I was so hurt, so upset, such a wounded soldier.

The nice thing is that I've come so far. I'm still a work in progress. I'll always be a work in progress.

That's why I'm proud to say that the Me Project continues.

Time

That's what everyone who's coming out of a relationship needs -- time. We need time to heal, we need time to understand what's acceptable and what's not, we need time to get back to normal. To get back to ourselves.

No matter how much we want to admit, one changes when they are in a relationship, even a healthy one. You create a code of rights and wrongs, do's and don'ts, lists of what's acceptable and what's not. When you're single, things are different. Much different.

After coming out of a relationship, one's inclination is to jump back into a relationship as soon as possible. Fill the hole that was just made by the person you were with leaving your life. While this seems like the best thing to do, it's farthest from what's best for you. You need time. Alone time.

Life with a borderline is much more acute. They make you feel like they are the only one that will ever love you, and they make you feel like you will never have a relationship like the one that you had with them. You miss and mourn the relationship when you're still with them because they paint such a bleak picture of life without them.

Living without the borderline that you were with is initially very difficult. The relationship is so dysfunctional that you've grown addicted to the borderline, and this addiction is tough to break. Very tough. I initially moved out from living with the BPD two years ago, almost to the day. However, we saw one another for two months while living apart until the relationship completely severed.

They say that you need one year of no contact with a Borderline before the addiction is broken. I would say that because of the acute nature of life with a borderline, you need two years without them to be over 80 percent healed. The trauma and abuse is much more acute, so it takes much more time.

I remember feeling terrible, crying on the train ride into work behind sunglasses every morning and feeling so lonely, so lost, so terrified. Looking back, it was quite irrational, probably partially because I needed spiritual fulfillment, but I felt pretty bad. The BPD puts guilt and shame on you that you don't deserve, that's not yours, but you take it because that's the type of person that you are.

Strangely, I also noticed that my ex wife will also put that same shame and guilt on me, and I take it. I'm not used to others putting their misery on me, as I don't do that to others. Yet they do this. My ex wife is telling me how I have strained the relationship with my son and that he resents me for being in multiple relationships after getting divorced. When I ask her if he has said this, she indicates, "no, but I think it's subconscious."

She's miserable. She has always wanted to put her misery and her miserable existence on as many people as possible. I feel bad for my kids and try to keep them out of that, but they'll undoubtedly be affected.

So, here's another connection that I've made about myself: I'm the kind of person that will let others lean on them, and I need to have clear boundaries. If I don't, people that are emotionally needy as well as emotional vampires will take advantage of me and try to put their own shame and guilt on me.

This is why I still write in this blog. As a professional writer, I need an avenue for myself to clear the cobwebs. A place for me to keep the garbage out of my head so I can write clearly and succinctly.

The funniest thing is that I said that the chapter ended almost 1-1/2 years ago. It had only just begun.

The me project and My BPD relationship recovery continues.

Letting Go

I recently received a letter discussing the healing and how healing involves letting go of the BPD of the relationship, of everything. The email indicated that I had a lot more healing to do and I had to let go.

I disagree. I do have a lot of healing to do, but for other reasons. I haven't seen this woman for nearly two years -- how could I NOT have let go?

I've recognized the good times of the relationship, and I look back at those times fondly.

However, I also recognize the bad times of the relationship, and I'm still healing from the small abuse and control tactics.

I've let go, but I'm still healing.

Last night, I went out to my car to get something. I was gone for 30 seconds. When I got back, the fear that I used to have when I was in a relationship with the BPD fell upon ready, and I began to mentally brace myself for the 'what were you doing? Who were you sending a text message to?' accusations.

I quickly breathed a sigh of relief when those accusations didn't come from my girlfriend. They've never come and they never will come. I then tell her, "you don't know how bad my life was when I was with her."

I don't need to let go. I do need to heal from the abuse that I suffered from her. That abuse, no matter how confident you are, eventually wears on your soul and wears you down.

It wore me down and ate into me. I'm still recovering. Thank The Lord that Jennie is a patient and kind woman.

Facebook and The BPD

The other day, my girlfriend and I were talking about the BPD and she mentioned to me, "you know, she's on Facebook."

Really? I thought that she was against any such site. I guess not.

Within a couple of days, I went onto Facebook and searched for her. I couldn't find her. My girlfriend and I spoke some more about it, and she showed me where she was listed.

I couldn't get to the listing.

BLOCKED ON FACEBOOK!

I couldn't get to her listing because she had BLOCKED ME! UGH!

I'm a reasonable man.

I'm a down-to-earth person.

I'm sensible.

THIS REALLY PISSED ME OFF!

I've thought about why it angered me so much -- being blocked on Facebook by a BPD who I was in a relationship with and am recovering. I figured it out.

It's my pride. She did it before I had the choice to do it. I would have blocked her, but I have no choice now.

Like I've said before, I won't have contact with her -- there's too much to lose and nothing to gain. We are prideful -- I am prideful, and she can see my external profile (not the details). I can't see hers.

I have to also remember that the BPD makes the world so she is the victim. In her mind, she was the victim of my evil ways, my taking advantage of her, my narcissistic tendencies. No matter how many counselors told her that she had work to do and she had to work through her issues, she spun it back and it was my fault. At first it was Bob, then it became me.

In my mind, she broke my heart. Into pieces.

So, my pride was hurt by her blocking me from Facebook. It doesn't matter, but that doesn't matter. My pride will recover -- not a huge deal at all.

The BPD struck again. At least she can't really hurt me anymore.

Abounding Love

When you're with a BPD, they provide this love like no other. They provide a level of love that few feel in their lives. When you're in their presence, the BPD loves you wholly like few have felt before. True puppy love can be felt.

As a Non, we thrive for this love. When you feel this kind of love, it fills most holes that you have in your life. The BPD gives you this love, then takes it away, devaluing you. You crave this love, this basic love that they give you.

I used to view the love that I had with the BPD as a pure love. This is what I meant, because she provided this low level love to me and it seemed pure. Looking back, it wasn't a realistic love. It wasn't a love that could deepen over time, because every time the BPD devalued me, said nasty things or made outrageous accusations, it was like we had to start over. The love would have to be re-established, trust would begin to be rebuilt, only to be knocked down again.

So, you have a pure love that you crave, but the love cannot deepen because you are treated so horribly.

You're suddenly in turmoil. Constant turmoil.

BPD Love Can Be Good

I've had many BPDs contact me recently, indicating that they are not given a fair chance on this blog. You can understand why I would do such a thing, as my relationship with a BPD ended in termination with me having many deep wounds. However, if a BPD is willing to do the work that they need to make their life and the lives of those that are close to them normal, I guarantee that this type of love can be a good love. The BPD's relationship would be allowed to deepen with their partner, and it could be a good love.

In general, Abounding Love is difficult, as one cannot provide another with abounding love. We need to have boundaries with the love that we give, and the love that we receive as well. When we do not have boundaries, we will burn out from giving too much, or we could feel smothered by receiving too much. If we are receiving too much love, the one that is giving may eventually grow resentful as well.

So, in the end, someone can get too much love. Abounding love is not a good thing. If you're getting it or giving it, there's a price that's being paid by someone else, or by yourself. Regardless, you don't want to be involved with this. Draw boundaries and enforce them.

September

Summer is exiting and fall is upon us -- it's the time of year when things are just beautiful in my part of the world. My life is good, but this time of year is still difficult. Two years ago, I was officially severing the relationship, then going back in. Then the relationship was off, then on, and the dance continued.

There was so much turmoil two years ago; I guess that I've never been able to really deal with it. I spent most of my days in a state of depression, or I was in automatic 'movin out' mode where I was readying myself for a big change.

That's what I've learned about myself. I'm good making change. I'm not good actually healing from the trauma or dysfunction that precipitated the change.

To make that a little more understandable -- I can make change easily. I don't easily heal from the change. I hide from it and try not to deal with it.

I guess we're all like this, but I may be a little more sensitive to it. Or maybe I'm just noticing this in myself now.

I bet that I'm going to feel like this even more in the future. I'll try to be strong and not run from these feelings, but when it's time to deal with it, you know.

It's time. Stay tuned.

100 Posts

So, this blog now officially has over 100 posts -- this is the 106th, to be exact.

This blog has taken on a life of its own. People around the world read this blog and contribute to it. I get regular emails sent to mybpdrecovery@gmail.com.

What started as an exercise in healing for me has actually blossomed into a site that helps other heal.

I'm happy about that, and hope that I can continue to help others. I even get quite a few emails from actual BPDs that have seen what they can do to a partner.

Contact me at mybpdrecovery@gmail.com and let me know what you'd like to see here. I'll do my best to provide it.

Just remember -- this is the Me project, and I need to put myself first. After God, of course. Part of my recovery....

Cape Cod

As I sit here in the Boston area traveling on business, it brings back memories of the time I spent in Cape Cod with the BPD. We were here during this time of year, as she had to attend a writer's conference on The Cape.

From the very start of the trip, there were problems. When looking for a place to stay on the first night (we left early and needed to find a place to stay on the first night), I was searching for a place on The Internet. The BPD accused me of trying to contact females when I was searching for a room.

"You've got to be kidding me," I said to her.

She wasn't.

I was angry. Quite angry. When does it stop? When does she start acting normal and not make crazy, outrageous accusations?

I told her that I was angry. I was so angry that I insisted that she apologize to me. She refused. We had already packed her SUV for the trip; I was so angry that I took my bags out of the SUV and told her that I wasn't going unless she apologize.

She finally apoligized. I felt it later, though.

We ended up staying in Falmouth, in a rathole of a hotel room. In the middle of the night, there were people fighting outside the room. I barely remember, but I know that the BPD was quite scared. I either went out of the room and told them to leave or called the front desk. I think the police eventually came and arrested some of them.

The next morning, we drove to Woods Hole where we dropped her daughters off, as they were taking the ferry over to Martha's Vineyard so they could spend some time with their grandparents. After we dropped them off, we went to Centerville and had reservations at a motel so she could go to her writer's conference. We checked in, drove around to get a lay of the land, then had a few drinks and relaxed.

Somewhere along the way, she got upset about I don't remember what. She said to me, "I'm going out," and was going to go out and drink some more. She never did go out, but I remember feeling quite a lot of anxiety over her possibly going out and drinking.

The next day was her writer's conference. I don't remember if it was only one day or multiple days, but I remember her going to the conference and coming back a couple of hours later during a break. I was checking my email on the office computer and trying in vain to get internet access in my room. This, of course, freaked the BPD out. She thought that I was doing something on the Internet -- I guess she thought that I was setting up dates for my free time because I had so much of it.

By this point, it was taking me longer and longer to get the BPD out of her rages. I could no longer tell her that I cared about her and would ever do those things to her and be able to make her feel better. Her rages now were regularly coming out, and they would last for hours, even days. Issues were never let go.

Despite this, I convinced the BPD to go to Provincetown at the very end of Cape Cod, and she agreed. I manufactured a new accent, my 'err-uh Cape Cad accent' and used it the entire ride:

Err-uh, I think we need to turn at this round-abowwwt, wat d'ya think Maaaaatha?

We had a nice dinner in Provincetown, then returned to the room. I had to go to the bathroom, and when I came out, the BPD accused me of going to the bathroom and sending text messages. She went as far as telling me that the bathroom didn't smell bad enough for me to go to the bathroom.

Talk about being put under the microscope.

The trip continued like this, the constant turmoil never stopping, constant fighting continuing. It's a shame, because it could have been such a nice trip. I knew that the end was near, and after we returned from this trip, I began looking in earnest for a place of my own to move out.

About one month later, I moved out.

Being back up here during this time of year as the summer begins to cool off reminds me of the trip that we had. Despite all the turmoil, I tried my best to have a good time. It was tough.

Counseling

So, you get into a relationship with someone, and it's fraught with issues. She is a sweet person quite a lot of the time, but there are times where she is saying things that just aren't right.

They're wacky.

I remember thinking, people really think like this?

I learned that it's true and people really do think like that.

She could be the one, you think. But clearly, for this to work, we'll need to see counseling.

The BPD and I saw a total of four counselors. Tens out thousands of dollars. When you thought you were getting somewhere, you'd be brought back to square one, all in a blink of the eye.

A Sick Psychological Game

I remember how everything worked well. The relationship was great, but there were issues. So we went to a counselor that she had seen quite some time ago. The counselor saw her for a while, then told her it's time to go and released her.

I've learned that many psychologists dismiss their borderline patients because they will eventually try to manipulate the psychologists. Conversations go in circles and ultimately nowhere.

There are many therapies that work for borderlines. For the therapies to effectively work, however, the borderline must admit that they have issues, which is quite difficult for most afflicted with the disease.

So we went to her counselor first. After being there for an hour, she admitted that she was carrying old scars from previous relationships and that she needed to go back to counseling.

We never went back to that counselor again. The BPD admitted that the issue was theirs; not good for the BPD.

So, we next went to Gina, about two to three months after this. Gina was more convenient -- about ten minutes from my work.

We saw Gina once, but the BPD didn't like Gina. Gina was attractive and her office was in her house. The BPD told me, point blank, that she was afraid that I would sleep with Gina if we were in counseling sessions alone together.

Huh?

I went to Gina after I was kicked out the first time (see The Private Investigator entry). She was the first professional who told me that the BPD was, in fact, BPD. The first counselor was hers and would not disclose anything to me.

So, she kicks me out, I go to Gina, and I go back to her. We again need a new counselor, but this time, I want it to be someone to medicate her.

So, we go to Henry. We see Henry for a couple of months, and I think that things are going well. But, she refuses to medicate herself. I eventually request that I get medicated!

I was on Lexapro for about two weeks and realized that it did nothing for me. Oh well.

It Can All Fall Apart

Life was crazy. She was making life crazy. I had just gone through a divorce, was trying to be great to my children, trying to balance a stressful Internet Marketing job, and care for the unrealistic needs of a borderline.

"If you try to do it all," Henry warned me, "it will all fall apart." I remembered his words and have tried to simplify life whenever possible.

While we were seeing Henry, everything shifted. While I initially began discussing the issues and the problems that I was having with her behaviors, she shifted the conversations to problems that she was having with me. Once at Gina's, she came out and called me a narcissist, but now, she was letting it all fly. I was defending my behaviors and issues and trying to justify things.

Schizophrenic

Then, she went to the next level. She said that my behaviors were things that I had no recollection of, things that I didn't know that I was doing.

She told me that I was dissociating. That I had multiple personalities. In the counselors office. She told me that I had Dissociative Identity Disorder

I still didn't run for the hills. What was I thinking?

I quickly realized that this was a sick psychological game that the borderline was playing. A sick game.

The counselor looked at me and queried, "do you think that you're doing this?"

"I don't remember doing this," I responded.

He said that he had no choice, but had to refer us to a counselor for evaluation and treatment. Later, he told me that the treatment was going nowhere and he needed to refer us to someone who could help move us along.

We then went to see Valerie, together and apart, for a full year. Learn about what happened with Valerie and my Dissociative Identity Disorder evaluation and treatment.

The Last Bin

After we broke up, I always had a hint of trying to get back together with the BPD. I wanted to heal, but if she had come begging back to me and had promised to try to fix herself, I might have considered staying in the relationship.

After all, she and I had been together for nearly 2 years. I didn't want to throw that much history away, and if she could stabilize, I would have considered a reconciliation.

So, we had sent a flurry of text messages and emails back and forth during the early part of March, and of course, there was drama where she accused me of a bunch of things, was downright mean and nasty, then rejected me once again...all in a chain of emails and text messages.

Amazing. The BPD could make you feel terrible without even talking to you. The nice thing was that I didn't have my hopes up high.

I remember that even in our text messages, we were communicating well, then, she turned; it was like you could have snapped your fingers with the way that a Borderline turns on you.

If you're going through this or in a relationship with a Borderline, that's how you can tell that they're truly Borderline -- you could be on great terms and having a great time with them, and in the snap of your fingers, they'll turn on you for a reason that makes no sense to you.

Anyway, back to the story. We had communicated a number of times, but in the end, she once again pushed me away.

I would normally try to pull her back in. I was done. I knew that there was a big world out there, and remaining with her was only going to be detrimental to my well-being.

Take the Band-Aid off, Rhonda said.

I didn't try to get back in.

Thirty minutes later, she tried to pull me back in. She sent me a nearly illegible email telling me how much of a nasty, sick, demented person I really was, and how I was going to rot in Hell or something like that.

I got it now and wasn't falling for it anymore. So I didn't respond.

Man, that must have pissed her off.

I was moving on -- as best that I can. I had started dating, and was talking with a number of people.

I was trying to heal. Trying hard.

Take one day at a time, boy. Do the best that you can. Go to work, contribute, do the best that you can. Put one foot in front of another. Do the right thing.

The week is ending. I pick my kids up and take them back to my place. As I pull up, I notice one of my plastic bins outside my place.

Holy crap. How did that get there?

I bring the bin inside and inspect its contents. It's all things that I had left at the BPDs when I lived with her: my iron, some tools, things I had left in the garage, Christmas ornaments that I had bought for her and my kids, nothing really special.

Except one thing -- a can of spray starch -- called Faultless spray starch.

How poetically ironic. Faultless.

Of course, the BPD would accuse me of being Faultless. I always told her that I was human, that I made mistakes, just not the mistakes that she accused me of making.

Once again, I felt like I was going to cry. I called one of the girls I was dating and told her (she had become a confidante, or so I thought) what had happened and how I felt. She told me that I needed some more time alone, and to call her in around a month.

Wow. Get hit between the eyes then get kicked in the nuts in the same hour. Thanks.

So she had returned everything that was mine. Things were really over.

A part of me was sad.

A part of me was mad. How much mistreatment can one person take?

Not much more. It was my turn to settle the score and show her true nature to others. Time to find the world that she had before me so she would know that I knew.

It was time for the Saint Patrick's Day Celebration.

Next time, learn about Saint Patrick's Day and what happened.

My Angel

I've recently learned that angels come in and out of your life every day, and most of them don't have wings.

I had an angel come into my life on Saturday, and I think she's going to be staying for some time.

A kindred spirit. She gets it. She gets me, and I know that by what she's said to me and told me, how she's spoken to me, and the experiences that we have shared. I think I get her too. I feel so comfortable, yet so excited.

I've known my angel for more than 20 years; I wasn't ready for her until now, but now I'm ready. She even said that she was looking for someone who was ready. I haven't told her, but I'm ready.

I think she's ready.

I did the work. I became content, happy with myself. Happy to do things as a single man. I renewed my faith, prayed for God to help me heal and let go of my baggage. I've felt the bricks come off my shoulders, most of them about a month ago, but they continued to fall off.

Once that happened, the world changed. I felt it. I began to feel like I was walking on air all of the time.

Then she came into my life.

Her words. Her mannerisms. Her attitude. Her heart. Her appearance. She is beautiful, inside and out.

Only time will tell, but I think I met my angel.

Sunshine In My Eyes

I want to be that person -- the one who always has sunshine in his eyes.

I want to be the person that others look at, and they see light beaming from me. They see hope, they see joy, they see happiness.

I want it to emanate from me, and I want others to feed off of it (in a healthy way), bringing relationships, situations, whatever it may be, to new levels.

I want the sunshine, the positive energy, to pour out of me.

I want others to feel it, use it constructively, and I want them to believe. I want them to believe in themselves and in the good of mankind.

Goodness must emanate from our souls. It must pour out. If it does, what a wonderful world.

What a wonderful world.

The Pain Still Comes, Then Goes

The pain doesn't just go away, no matter how many times I say goodbye to Oz. It stinks, but it's true. You can't, I can't, just walk away from the pain. I committed to fully healing myself from this relationship, and I'm doing just that.

Unfortunately, I'm very impatient.

I want to get on with life. I want to move on. I've done the work, read the books and gone through all of the exercises to heal me. Unfortunately, it does take time. I'm much better than I was in February or March, but I'm still healing.

What's been hurting the most is that I'm now reprocessing all of the events that took place. I now believe that I was played in many instances, and I took it, I was abused and I let it happen.

I believed. I can't believe that one person would manipulate and take such advantage of another person. The worst thing is that if, when she was doing things like break up with me, kick me out or the like, if I did something that she didn't like, I was punished even more by her.

I don't want to go into specifics, but this woman really did mean things. They were manipulative, controlling things, and she knew what she was doing. What a monster.

The worst thing is that she told me every day that I was bad and doing bad things to her, again in an effort to control and manipulate me. The best defense is a good offense, and this woman just unleashed on me. She unleashed whatever she needed to get what she wanted.

My God, how could someone do this to someone that they said that they loved?

The amount of pain that I felt because of her childish needs, wants, insecurities and desires was enormous. I don't know if I'll ever forgive her for some of the things that she did. The worst thing is that she tried to blame me in the end.

Change is hard. I'm obviously making good, constructive changes in myself, but I'm still hurt that someone would tell me every day that I'm a bad person. I tell no one, let alone the person that I love, that they're a bad person. My kids would never hear those words out of my mouth.

Personal Life Update

I'm not sure why you all want an update on my personal life, but here goes. Do me a favor and tell me what else you're looking for (I'll even let anonymous posters put their opinion). I'm going to keep this light and easy, because my life really isn't that much fun. :-)

THE REAL FUN STUFF
- I'm probably going out once or twice a week. Sometimes dates, sometimes out with friends, but just getting out. The time is coming where I can fully date again. I've met some good people and quality people that I really appreciate and have learned quite a bit from.
Getting over the next few weeks will be tough, as all of the girls' birthdays are at the end of this month and the 10th and 15th of next month.
- I'm working out pretty regularly and trying to get 6 pack abs as well as a completely toned body. My upper body is more toned than ever.
- I'm feeling fantastic overall, my self esteem and confidence has been quite high, and I feel like I'm becoming the person that I've always wanted to be. Overall, I'm content.
- I've become a crack addict out of sheer boredom. If you believe that one, I'VE GOT SOME LAND IN FLORIDA I'D LIKE TO SELL YOU!
- I got tickets to see Dave Matthews Band in June, and I'm real excited. DMB is supposed to be fantastic. Still looking for someone to go with, but in due time...

THE EVEN MORE FUN STUFF
- My kids are doing real well, and we're back to the tight unit that we've always been.
- The job is going well
- I've got a number of websites that I'm about to launch that are going to be real cool. From fishing to writing and others, I'm going to have some real neat websites launching in the next few weeks.
- My pet silverfish keeps running away. ARE YOU STILL AWAKE?
- I've finally grabbed onto what I'm passionate about -- writing. I've done it forever but always wanted a little more -- to be that executive in the corner office. Not anymore. Writing is just fine for me. Pretty nice feeling.

I STILL CAN'T WAIT TO FALL IN LOVE AGAIN
- I can't wait, but I will. I now know that I won't settle. Whatever I settle for is what I ultimately get, so I'm shooting for the stars, and I'll wait until I get it.
- I've learned the teachings of the book 'The Secret' and I'm using them. They really work.
- Praying has also helped.
- I don't know what's happened, but a weight has lifted off of my shoulders in the past couple of weeks. It's an amazing thing. I feel content. Things are coming together for me.
- I deserve, and will have, the excellent relationship. I will have it, and I will settle for no less
- Can't wait to find my Dreamgirl - in due time, in due time...

What else do you want to know? Post a comment and let me know what you're looking for. You want me to tell you about my personal life, but I'm not hurting like I was a couple of months ago. So, I don't have that much fun stuff to tell. I will when it gets real exciting...

Enjoy!

:-)

What Is The Me Project Anyway?

I don't think that I've ever formally described the Me Project, so why not describe it now? :)

The Me Project, like its name implies, is all about me. After being in a relationship of any sort, one needs to work on themselves for a while. One needs to go back to basics, figure out what they want in life, what parts of themselves need development and what parts don't.

This is particularly important for a Non borderline who was just involved with someone afflicted with Borderline Personality Disorder. The Non needs to do plenty of work on themselves to understand why they got involved with a BPD, what dysfunction they accepted and why. If they were in a relationship like me who was told "you're bad" every day, one will also need some time to clear those hurtful, negative thoughts out of their heads.

So, back to the Me Project. For too much of my life, I've focused on others, and I've ended up with people that I would consider emotional vampires. These people suck the life out of you as they try to find themselves. Critical indicators of this include:
- Low Self Esteem
- Poor Self Image
- Low Confidence Levels
- Overall Negativity
I've been the one to pull them out of their abyss and into a good state. The problem is that it was often at my expense.

So, the Me Project was born. I began this project in 2006, but suspended it when I got involved with the borderline. Of course, this is too much growth for a borderline to handle.

The objective of the Me Project is to reach my fullest potential and make sure that my kids stay on track as well. That's it.

After I got out of the relationship with the BPD, the Me Project went back into effect. Here have been my short term goals:
- Get back into good shape (underway:))
- Heal myself from the BPD relationship (underway:))
- Understand why I was in the relationship with the BPD and how to correct any holes (done!)
- Take on new projects and hobbies to fill my time (underway)
- Get the kids together (underway/done!)
- Live the theories that embody The Secret
- Get my spirituality/faith together (underway)
- Get more involved in community events (not yet started)
- Finish the book (underway)

I've done quite a bit of work that continues. The fruits of my labors are really beginning to show though. I'm attracting people that I truly want to be in my life and are exemplary. I've stepped up a couple of levels in terms of the people in my life and the people that I am attracting.

Something has happened recently. I still don't understand what has happened, but I'm not going to complain.

I'm making it great in 2008. This is my year for me to start some great things.

My 5 year plan? Be on the water (hopefully the beach) writing. I'll probably be on the snow in the winter writing. We'll see, but I'm going to make this come together.

God I love it. It's starting to fire on all cylinders.

The Me Project is working. I've always focused on others too much, to my demise. I never worked enough on me. Don't get me wrong -- I'm still a giving person, just not as giving as I was in the past where I gave to the point of my demise.

Now I understand. It's happening right in front of my eyes. A little faith goes a long way.

I can't wait to see what a lot of faith does.

Best of You

I heard this song and thought what it was like being in the relationship with the BPD. This is definitely how you feel. Great song by the way.

Many of these songs, at one time or another, would make me so sad. Over time, my wounds continue to heal, but she took a piece of me where these songs still remind me of her. However, no one can take my music from me.

No one. I won't let anyone have that.

I hope you enjoy the songs that I find and put here. Sometimes, I'll just be in a good mood, sometimes, they'll hit me hard. Sometimes I just like the song. Enjoy!

This one in particular applies to this blog. This is how you feel after you've been in a relationship with a BPD, in case you were wondering.



I’ve got another confession to make
I’m your fool
Everyone’s got their chains to break
Holdin’ you

Were you born to resist or be abused?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Are you gone and onto someone new?

I needed somewhere to hang my head
Without your noose
You gave me something that I didn’t have
But had no use
I was too weak to give in
Too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again
But I break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can’t choose
I swear I’ll never give in
No, I refuse

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
Your trust, you must
Confess

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Oh...

Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
The life, the love
You'd die to heal
The hope that starts
The broken hearts
Your trust, you must
Confess

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

I’ve got another confession my friend
I’m no fool
I’m getting tired of starting again
Somewhere new

Were you born to resist or be abused?
I swear I’ll never give in
I refuse

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
Your trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!




*Don't let anyone get the best of you. EVER. Your self-worth, self esteem and happiness is at stake.

The Emotionally Unavailable

Now that I'm single again and dating, I'm noticing lots of different people on this journey. One of the largest groups that are out there are the emotionally unavailable. This group of women falls into two categories:

1. The ones that know that they're emotionally unavailable. These usually are divorced women that get quite a large stipend from an ex husband in the form of alimony and/or child support. These women will not not not get married or commit to you, as any commitment will jeopardize their stipend and would impact their financial situation.

2. The ones that do not know that they're emotionally unavailable. This is quite a large group of women (men as well, I bet) that are scarred from their childhood, trauma somewhere along their life, etc. BPDs fall into this camp, as would people suffering from PTSD or any other mental disorder. This may also be people that need to do family of origin work to get through some of their issues. This group can be quite dangerous because they do not acknowledge the issues that they have and put those issues on you.

The most dangerous thing about being with someone who does not know that they're emotionally unavailable is that you could be in a relationship with them for quite some time, then are rejected for a nonsensical reason, as is the case often with BPDs. Their reality is different from your reality, and you are suddenly rejected.

With those that know that they're emotionally unavailable, they usually will not let you get close to them. They like life, but get bored and need someone to fill their time. Remember, you cannot forge long-term relationships with this group either. They know it, and so should you.

Both groups are dangerous; in my opinion, awareness is critical in either instance. Keep your eyes and ears open for the emotionally unavailable so you're not hurt long-term.