Similar BPD Experiences With Fellow Nons

It's oh so true. All of us Nons have the quite similar, if not the same, experiences with our (ex) BPD partners. It scares me sometimes how similar it is.

One recent comment included a statement that said, "that sounds like something that my exBPD would say." You don't know how many times I thought that when I read an email, a comment, something sent by one of you. It amazes me.

BPD Jealousy

The worst part about it was that when it first happened and I would get those comments, a tinge of that old BPD jealousy would kick in, and I would actually wonder, "is that her?" The roots of the BPD relationship are deep, and we feel them for months, if not years.

Yes, we have all shared quite similar, if not the same, experiences. It's so bad that I can give you a list of them:

• Your BPD partner cheats on you, but eventually tells you 
• Your BPD partner constantly tells you that they hate you, but then will pull you back in for a number of reasons
• Your BPD partner does not trust you at all; at first, it was their fault because of their past, but eventually, it became because of you.

I could go on for hours. It's a shame, but they experiences are so similar...

BPD Habits and Behaviors

These can only be described as BPD habits and behaviors. There are plenty of reasons that I've described throughout the site, but unfortunately for us Nons, we have to live with these behaviors. They are similar, there's nothing that we can do about this.

Bottom line -- maybe the comment that I received was from a BPD partner of someone who visits this site (we do get thousands of hits on this site). Maybe the comments that I get regularly are about my exBPD partner. I don't know.

It really doesn't matter, though. We're in recovery from these people -- contact is the last thing that we want.

Does She (or He) Really Have BPD?

I hear this question from quite a few people on a pretty regular basis. I even went through the same thing with my ex BPD girlfriend as you can read in the post Is She Really Borderline? Those of us that are in the relationship with the borderline feel such a strong urge to prove that the other is borderline for so many reasons.

Why Do We Need To Prove That They Have BPD

When a relationship goes wrong, especially when personality disorders are involved, we want to find a reason why. We want to blame the other person for the problems because we are trying to do the right things. We are working so hard to make the world right and things right, and it just isn't working with this person.

If you're with someone who has a personality disorder, you know what I mean. You keep trying to live your life by doing the right thing, and the person explodes on you when you least expect it, when things are good. Maybe they're suffering from the Vengeance Switch as you try to enjoy life to the fullest.

We know something's wrong, and we know that we're not doing it.

The problem with being in a relationship with someone who is borderline is that you can't ever have a fully healthy relationship without that person getting help -- years of help. You live life like the move Groundhog Day, always waking up and starting from ground zero, never getting to the next level because your BPD partner knocks the relationship back down because of their lack of trust, or their lack of respect.

When we try to bring these issues to the borderline, their fear of abandonment, self loathing and other defense mechanisms kick in. They're real good at this, and this is when you get the, "it's not me, it's you," response. The borderline will usually launch a full assault to prove that you, in fact, have the issues or problems.

BPD Gaslighting: The Worst For The Non

The worst thing that happens is when the BPD changes the course of events in their minds. It's a terrible event, because how do you argue the facts with someone? It becomes a "he said-she said" argument which is frustrating.

The biggest problem is that if the BPD was dissociating (which most of them do quite regularly), it's not that they are lying, they have actually change history in their mind! So they now believe the change of history that occurred in their mind. How do you argue this?

Over the long term, this makes the non feel like they are losing their minds -- one of the most frustrating things.

When I was with the BPD, she told me that I was dissociating when the roles were, in fact, reversed. She believed this so much that she went to counselors and told me this -- I went through special EMDR therapy to try to recall memories and everything. Because I thought that maybe the BPD saw things that I didn't. She did see things that I didn't because she made them up in her head.

Whew. What a nightmare. If you're dealing with this kind of difficulty, I'm sorry. All of this -- someone telling you that you have the problems and you are to blame and you need the counseling and you came from a troubled childhood makes you feel the need to prove, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that they have BPD.

As a non, we have to explain the world. We have to explain why things are the way they are. Most things in the world can be explained.

Many parts of the Borderline's world cannot be explained.

I Guess It Doesn't Matter Anyway

Here's what the kicker is about this whole thing -- it doesn't matter if the person you were with (or are with) has BPD or not. You were/are in a dysfunctional relationship, a bad relationship, a relationship that just wasn't normal, plain and simple.

It doesn't matter who did what or who has BPD; it's irrelevant. The relationship did not work, was not working, and was not going to work. It was going to continue being dysfunctional because those with BPD cannot have healthy relationships without intense counseling for years, medication and structure that most cannot provide.

So, does he or she really have BPD? It doesn't matter.

Early Adolescent Girlfriends: The BPD Relationship Primer

I was 16 years old, had just gone through a number of traumatic events in my life, and became friends with a girl that I later dated. She was a pretty freshman, not exactly my type, but I think we were about the same age mentally at the time.

When I started spending time with this girl, I had just survived being a passenger in a car accident that nearly turned fatal. I and the driver both sustained head injuries; I underwent an operation to remove an epidural hematoma while his subdural hematoma could not be removed. I was in a car accident for one week; he was in a coma for two. Before the accident, I had refuted advances by a boss of mine; his name was Harry, and he was in his 40's. Looking back, he was your typical pedophile.

So, before meeting this girl, I was recovering from a major car accident where I suffered incredible head injury and had also had my boss, who at the age of 16 is a role model in your life, turn out to be a pedophile that made advances on me (and most likely every male that worked at the kennel that he owned).

I was primed for a dysfunctional relationship where I am not treated well, yet I take it.

Emotional Immaturity and The Dysfunctional Relationship
By nature, any of us who enter into some type of dysfunctional relationship are still suffering from, or accepting, some type of emotional immaturity. Either we are emotionally immature, our partner is emotionally immature, or both.

One of the most important elements of growing and evolving from relationships is having the ability to understand what went wrong in past relationships and growing from them.

Unfortunately, as most that are reading this blog, in the case of a relationship with a borderline, there is no normal closure. You leave the relationship not knowing what happened, then having to heal. This is probably some of the most difficult healing that one has to do.

Let's look at this girl for a minute. At 14, she was a child of parents who had divorced when she was a young age. What's worse, her father had passed away when she was in sixth, seventh or eight grade; needless to say, she had healing to do, and I was there to help her.

Looking back, we were a couple of kids, but we fit one another's needs quite well at the time. I was there to be secure for her as she got acclimated with high school (her older sister also helped her do that as well), but we initially fit together well. Or so we thought.

We both knew that we wanted security in a relationship, and we offered each other this. That's about it. We were too young, too immature, and way too wounded from all of our past trauma to have a healthy relationship. It took me years after being with her to shed the abuse that she laid on me, let alone the trauma which I had felt from the car accident and other incident.

Believe me, although she was traumatized, she sure did provide quite a bit of abuse to me. At the end of the relationship, she told me that she wanted to be single, yet she kept me around so I saw her start having boyfriends right in front of my eyes. What's worse, when my friends came over, she would get upset and scream at me, one time actually hitting me in a rage of fury.

Sound familiar?

I've never felt so feeble in my entire life. Even when I was with the borderline, I knew what the deal was. I had sacrificed quite a bit, willingly, but with this one, I was emotionally immature. Words like, "she is my life" came out of my mouth.

I'm ashamed to have ever said such things, but hey, it was nearly 25 years ago. Time heals all wounds, even though we may have scars.

Keep Your Dignity
That's what happens in a borderline relationship -- they can strip your dignity. They may not be trying to do such a thing, but by accepting the unacceptable, you allow the borderline to take your dignity.

It's important to keep boundaries. If the borderline is regularly doing things like yelling at you, hitting you, kicking you out and the like, you need to take your dignity back.

An Early Borderline Relationship?
So, was this girl an early borderline relationship? Maybe, or maybe not. She was too young to be considered borderline as she was only a teenager and a young teenager at that. We work through quite a lot of these issues in our adolescence.

I do know that she got her Masters in Social Work and is now a school social worker. She has two children, but their father is not with them and does not provide any child support. She lives with her mother and has had a number of tumultuous relationships.

With all of that said, I cannot judge. I don't know her current story or the reason for her current situation to make a judgement call whether she is borderline.

I do know that the relationship that I had with her was dysfunctional. When I look to the borderline relationship, I could (and did) draw direct parallels in the relationship, and this is one thing that kept me from becoming any more of a victim than I did. Without that previous relationship, I would have not had such experience to notice the projection and blame and lack of boundaries.

Look At Your Past Relationships
Be sure to look at your past relationships and see if you had any dysfunctional ones that were the primer to your relationship with the BPD

The past is just that, the past. You have to live in the present, live in the now. Be sure to look to the past and learn from it, but don't dwell on it. Today and tomorrow has yet to be made, so make the most of it.

BPD Family Problems: Children's Inheritance

I forgot about this until today -- the life that the BPD's little girls had to live because of their mother's limited abilities. I'm not talking about the BPD's parents or other family members -- you can read about this in other posts where I've covered the BPD Family and these issues. Now, I'm talking about the immediate nucler BPD Family -- the children of the borderline. Not partners, but children.

BPD's Children: Inherited Behaviors

These are the people that I feel bad about. Their parent (usually their mother) is someone who does not have a good concept of reality. When there is not a significant other in their life, they will project their anxieties onto their children, so their children gain borderline traits, right from the onset.

Dead Heads: Experiencing a New High

Those of us that have been in a relationship with a BPD know the highs that we feel. We know how it feels to experience a bliss that many never feel. Maybe others feel this high from drugs and alcohol. Clearly, there's a high there that many don't understand.

There are other ways to get this high, though, and I had forgotten about it. Then I found it again.

Dead Head Highs -- Everybody's Dancing

Those that have experienced a Grateful Dead concert and have felt the raw energy know the feeling. There's little in the world like it. A good church sermon, or a good church congregation, will get you feeling like a Dead show.

It's the feeling of community, the feeling of transcendence, the magical feeling that only some ever feel. That's how most Grateful Dead shows make you feel.

I experienced my first show in 1987 and quickly *got it*. It wasn't about the drugs that others were doing, it was about the music, the community, the transcendence to another plane that you would go when you were at the show.

Once I felt that high, I craved it, almost like a drug. I sought the transcending feelings, and those highs where your state of conscience goes to another level. It's tough to explain unless you've gone there, either at a show, in church or on your own when deep in meditation.

The Borderline Relationship: Craving New Levels Gone Wrong

A borderline relationship is whatever we want it to be. We tell the borderline what we as Nons want, and they give it back to us. The borderline has such as low sense of self that they will quickly chameleon into what you want them to be.

Given that I was looking so desperately for a partner that could go to those new levels, when I found the borderline, they told me that they, too, wanted to go there.

I thought that I was in Heaven. I had found the partner that would go *there* with me.

She never knew where I wanted to go. I had such a strong sense that there was something else out there, but wanted it so badly, that hearing the borderline wanted to go to a new level made me feel like I was going to get it.

I did get it, but not with her.

Transcendence Requires Trust and Other Foundational Building Blocks

What I learned is that to go to new levels with a partner, you need to trust. The relationship has to be built on a solid foundation where both parties care for one another and will trust and respect one another.

The borderline, of course, does not trust or respect themselves, so they cannot trust others. Without these important building blocks, you can get to higher levels, but these levels cannot be sustained. The relationship will be severely dysfunctional and will eventually crumble based on the lack of critical building blocks that all relationships must have.

Further -- The New (or the Old) Grateful Dead

It's unfortunate that Jerry Garcia passed away and The Grateful Dead had to retire. Since the band retired in 1995, it has had a number of iterations, including The Dead with many filling Jerry Garcia's spot.

The most interesting and most professional iteration of this transformation is Furthur, a band comprised of Grateful Dead bandmates Bob Weir and Phil Lesh. The other members are world-class musicians and have made the music theirs. I've been fortunate to see a number of shows on the last tour, and am planning on seeing nearly every show on their upcoming tour.

This band and the venues they play is what the Grateful Dead were like in their early days when they played smaller, more intimate venues. The band is still filling arenas that are over 10,000 in size, but it's probably like the 70's and early 80's for the band. More of a family feel.

So, the music continues to play by this band, so silly Deadheads (we now call ourselves Furthur Faces) like myself can go and let the music keep playing. The beauty is that Jennie, my soon-to-be bride, also loves the music, so we can experience this together.

Jennie and I have been able to go to new levels of awareness and relationship-wise because the relationship is built on trust and respect. Look for more on this in future posts as I have had many readers ask me how you shed the baggage from the relationship. I'll share that so you can see what I went through.

The key to living is to experience all that you can. This is a journey we take, and we want to experience great things in our lives. Money isn't great, but our experiences are great. Be sure to have great experiences in whatever you do and wherever you go.

BPD Relationship Recovery Always Continues

This is the first post in quite some time -- a couple of weeks -- I used to blog nearly every day!

Things have been good here in my personal recovery land -- more on this later. However, I've been so busy -- work has consumed much of my time, and I've been trying to keep myself well-balanced with exercise and family time -- so blogging took a bit of a back seat. One of my large projects is finishing up, so I should have more time to blog moving forward.

With that said, I'll always try to blog at least once a week. If I'm not blogging that much, I've been consumed by work. Rest assured, I'll come back. This year, I'll do more blogging than in subsequent years. This blog is important to My BPD Recovery, and it's important to those who read this and benefit from this.

Back to Myself
With that said, I realize that I'm pretty much back to myself now. I've come back around, and my true self is here more than it's ever been before.

Strangely, I was hiking yesterday when I came to that realization. She is no longer the one that was it for me and has now gotten away. She is another girl that I was with, a girl that I dated, someone who has some pretty serious issues.

I'll continue to blog and to post -- I'll cover some critical topics, such as some of the things that borderlines do when in their frantic efforts to avoid abandonment, contrasting this with their constant efforts to pre-empt you leaving them.

I Love Receiving Your Comments
Thanks to each and every one of you for your comments. I appreciate them and will publish them when they help tell stories of recovery and reveal elements of BPD relationship recovery.

With that said, I do not publish links in comments, and I do not publish any foul language. I have used such language on quite a limited basis if at all. I do not consider such language professional.

Continue to send me your comments and give me your feedback on what you would like to see published here.

PTSD After A BPD Relationship

I've been out of the relationship with the borderline for nearly 2-1/2 years. Most bad memories are going away. They're mostly gone, but I need to admit that I still carry big scars from the relationship.

I definitely have suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder after the BPD relationship. She scarred me badly.

All the accusations that she made about me took something out of me.

Everything that she said about me, ways that she acted, things that she said, hurt bad.

Past Life Amplified
My ex wife hurt me bad too. I'm not trying to whine here, but she said, usually during her drinking binges, things like, "the only reason that I'm with you is because I don't have to work." Ouch. Probably the one that hurt the most was, "I don't want you tonight, I want him."

Those things scar you. Now, I'm nearly ten years out of that life, but that one was pretty frigging traumatic. I got out of that one. I just had to. It was way too dysfunctional.

Now that I'm thinking about it, the relationship with the borderline was similar to my ex wife's but it was just amplified. She said things blatantly, while my ex wife had to be drunk to make such accusations. Either way, they both said things that were way hurtful, way mean, way too much for one to say to another lover.

In future posts, look for a formal definition of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, how it happens, what the repercussions are, etc. For now, suffice it to say that you need to be aware of it, what it can do, and how it can affect you. If you were in a full blown borderline relationship, you probably have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Next, we'll look on how to heal from it. We will recover from the BPD relationship.

Vacation: Replacing The Memories

I had a great week of vacation. Thanks to David for his contributions -- he wrote both You Are Not Alone and Remembering The Past. It still amazes me how so many of us had (or are having) the same walk.

If you want to contribute a posting to this blog, let me know. Send me an email at mybpdrecovery@blogspot.com and let me know what you'd like to write about and how you'll cover it. We love to hear from guest bloggers.

Active Time
So, last week I went to Vermont for a quick, mini-ski vacation. My friend Chris was on military leave, and we decided to have a workout vacation. We did just that. Running, skiing, mountain biking, we were quite active.

On Monday, I picked him up from the airport, and we went running. We then drove north to Vermont where we skied at Mount Snow on Tuesday.

What a day of skiing we had. The conditions were absolutely perfect with the entire mountain being open and the  snow being loosely packed. We skied the entire mountain, and it snowed a good part of the day. There were few people on the mountain, so we had the place to ourselves to boot. What a great day.

From there, we went further north and drove to Killington where we stayed at the same place that the BPD and I stayed. Being lifelong buddies, Chris and I are different. We don't really even party. Every night, we were in bed at 10 pm so we could get up early and be on the ski slopes when the lifts start running.

Replacing Old Memories
This was the first time that I had been skiing in Vermont, particularly Killington, since my relationship with the BPD. Chris and I went to some of the same restaurants that I went with the BPD. Given the time that has helped heal the wounds and being with Chris, we had a good time. I was able to replace the memories with the borderline. Next, I'll take Jennie to these places as she'll love them.

Chris was married to a suspected borderline, and he actually first introduced me to the disorder. He's someone who knows my story, and he's a good person. We share a number of hobbies and see the world through similar glasses.

We hit the mountains of Killington hard and skied for the entire day, only breaking for lunch. The conditions were perfect, and the skiing was fast and furious. Later in the week, we drove home, ran some more, and went mountain biking as well.

What a great mini-vacation. I needed it, given the stresses and fast pace of work right now.

Self Realization
While I was away, I was able to think about the relationship that I was in with the Borderline and the needs that it filled in me. Given that borderlines lack any real identity, the relationship was initially what I needed it to be. I realized that there were weaknesses in me and my personality that needed work. The relationship with the borderline helped me expose these weaknesses and work on them.

I'm back from vacation and have lots of new material coming in the near future. From the definition of bpd to how to create rules to live by, I'll be providing more useful information that I hope you can use for dealing with your BPD relationship or recovering from your BPD relationship.

It's good to be back.

The BPD Family Revisited -- Partially Learned Behaviors

I've thought quite a bit about this and have researched it as well. The more I think it, the more I think that one's family and upbringing contributes significantly to their disposition to having borderline personality disorder. The DSM-IV indicates that many that have BPD came from a family where their parent suffered from the disorder -- given this, the fact that 75% of borderlines were sexually abused as a child and that most others came from overly controlling parents, you have the perfect storm for the making of a BPD.

The Making of A BPD

Many experts indicate that the making of a borderline is both nature and nurture, meaning that the person has to have a genetic predisposition for the disorder, but also have to be raised to acquire it.

Could most of us have borderline personality disorder? Probably. However, most of us are fortunate enough to be raised in homes where we were not sexually abused or raised by overly controlling parents.

In the instance of my ex borderline girlfriend, her mother had a brother die when in her care - she was 12 years old. As a result, she must have smothered her children, not letting them go up properly.

What's Happens When Someone Has Controlling Parents?

A number of things happen to someone with overly-controlling parents. Some of these could include:

Cannot Establish Healthy Boundaries

When someone tells us what to do, how to do it, and when to do it, we have difficulty thinking for ourselves. This is okay when we are quite young, but we as people must be given the opportunity to excel and fail as well, so we learn how to interact with the outside world. This is how we learn to tell others what we are willing and not willing to do. The person with overly controlling parents will have quite a difficult time saying no to people when they cross boundaries where others would clearly feel violated.

Under Developed Sense of Self

Like the lack of boundaries, when someone tells you everything to do as you get older, you lose the ability to be your own person and have differences with others. You want to agree with others for acceptance, losing your ability to be an individual.

Little or No Accountability
People who have been raised by someone who is controlling does not understand the impact of their actions, and will usually deflect responsibility as someone else has always shouldered responsibility for them. They learn to fly under the radar and have others be responsible for their actions. Unfortunately, in a relationship, we are accountable for our actions; if our partner is not accountable and does what they want and we accept this, our self esteem and self worth suffers.

Black and White, Judgemental Thinking

We live in a world where very little is black or white; there are extenuating circumstances surrounding most everything. When someone tells you yes or no for everything, you don't learn how to think about extenuating circumstances. The world is one way or another.

You Can't Change Your Family

Unfortunately, you can't change the people that had you. We're born into what we are born. All we can do is try to heal from our childhood scars and pain, become better people, and not repeat the patterns of dysfunction in our family. If we have done this, we're successful. Unfortunately, for some of us, there was too much damage done.

All we can do is try our best, try to get to our true self, love our true self, and strive for contentment.

Believe -- Revisited

Quite some time ago, I wrote about my Believe sign that I got for the BPD, how she continually threw it out to the point that I eventually took it, and the journey that I have taken with this sign.

Believe has changed in meaning over the years. It has continued to evolve and grow as life has evolved and grown.

As someone who was in a relationship with a Borderline Personality, I fell into too many traps, including:

• Believing that I could help make this person feel better
• Believing that this person would eventually change
• Believing that she would see beyond her issues and see my soul
  

My beliefs were unreasonable and unrealistic. I put too much pressure on myself, and ultimately felt like I took too much responsibility for the relationship. I knew that she was a borderline, yet I was willing to stay in the relationship if she helped herself. Eventually, she ran and I stopped chasing her.

When I got through the relationship, I wrote about how I believed in all these wonderful things, such as the beauty in people, pure love and the like.

As I've aged, this has evolved. I still believe in all the things mentioned in the Believe post, but it's taken on a much bigger meaning.

Now, it's a belief that I have in something bigger than me, bigger than anyone. It's a belief in God and Jesus Christ, a higher spirit that has paid for my sins.

This blog is not about spirituality or developing a spiritual side -- I'm working on planning a blog for this and should have something in the next few months, so stay tuned. With that said, developing a spiritual side is so important to your recovery.


Losing The Narcissist Inside
When you develop a spiritual side of yourself, you learn that there was a self-important side of yourself that thought they were probably too important. You suddenly lose narcissistic tendencies and step into a much more humble role. Even when I read my early writings in this blog, I see these tendencies in myself.

Go back to church. Talk to a pastor. Learn about Jesus Christ and what he did for each of us, and the change that you go through when you accept him into your life. I can attest that it truly is a supernatural change that you go through and it's like nothing that you'll ever experience. You can truly become 'born again'.

For those that are interested in such a change and need more information, email me at mybpdrecovery@gmail.com. I'll be sure to point you in the right direction.

The Believe sign has grown from believing in myself and the love of things to believing in God and Heaven on Earth, which I believe that I'm living now. It's not always easy, but it's real nice. Believe will always have a power over me because it keeps me focused, keeps me humble and keeps me understanding what a wonderful adventure we have here on earth.





Come to me now
And lay Your hands over me
Will You find me tonight
Say it will be alright
And I will believe

Broken in two
I know You’re on to me
That I only come home
When I’m so all alone
But I do believe

That not everything I gonna be
The way you think it ought to be
It seems like everytime I try and make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly You won’t give up on me
And I shall believe

Open the door
And show me Your face tonight
I know it’s true
No one heals me like You
And You hold the key

Never again will I turn away from You
I’m so heavy tonight
But Your love is alright
And I do believe

How To Tell Someone That They Have BPD

How do you tell someone that they have BPD?

Can you really do this?

Maybe. Definitely maybe.

Shifting Responsibility
The problem is that when you tell someone that actually has BPD that they have Borderline Personality Disorder, they will shift the responsibility to you. "I don't have it, you do," will most likely be their response.

I've written about this numerous times before. I went from being a good person to a cheater, a narcissist, a liar, an abuser, someone with Dissociative Identity Disorder, a borderline...the list goes on.

A true borderline is the master of manipulation. They will take the most confident person and slowly erode their confidence through a carefully planned mixture of adoration and devaluation. Before you know it, you will actually feel like you could be borderline.



Get Professional Help
You could try to get the help of a professional counselor. I tried this, but found that psychologists won't usually actually diagnose someone with BPD. In the eyes of many psychologists, borderlines cannot be treated. Just like their partners, borderlines eventually try to manipulate their psychologists, so they are usually dismissed. They need to blame, and anyone that they are close with will receive that blame.

It's tough. If someone actually said that they were borderline or had a number of borderline behaviors, then they could get into dialectical behavior treatment. This, combined with an effective mix of anti-psychotic drugs, can actually help borderlines.

Getting borderlines into this type of therapy is rare, and quite difficult. If you can do it, there is a chance.

Make a Choice
As a Non in a serious relationship with a borderline, you must make a choice whether you want to stay in a relationship with a borderline. You know how the relationship will be -- constant ups and downs and little harmony.

If you think that you like or need the relationship this much, then stay in the relationship, but create boundaries to keep yourself from getting too hurt by the borderline. Also, join a group to help break the chains of codependency, as most Non's suffer from this quite a bit.

If you have told the borderline in your life that you think that they have Borderline Personality Disorder and you want change, make sure that they make the change and not shift the responsibility to you. The BPD in my life told me that she was the victim of me and that she kicked me out of her house when the situation was the opposite. I remember having to tell her that I had to leave but wanted the relationship to continue, provided she got help. The cycles of rage increased tenfold after we lived apart, and eventually, I stopped chasing her into her pit of rage, anger and emptiness.

You Can Tell Someone That They Have BPD
By all means, you can tell someone that you suspect that they are a borderline. Chances are, they will deflect and shift responsibility back on you. Just be prepared for the repercussions. You may want to do this in a professional's office, because with such a specific accusation, the professional will be forced to do something. I recommend finding someone who specializes specifically in Borderline Personality Disorder so you may have a chance at bringing closure.

Remember that borderlines are great at fight or flight, so be prepared for them to fight this issue, or completely avoid the issue. They could also flee from the relationship if they feel that threatened, so be prepared.

How To Have a Normal Life After A Borderline Relationship

You can have a normal life after you have a relationship with somebody afflicted with borderline personality disorder. Heck, if you have a partner who is afflicted with Borderline Personality Disorder, can truly keep your sense of self-worth and self esteem intact while establishing healthy boundaries, you can even survive in a relationship with someone who has BPD.

This post covers how to have a normal life after you've been in a borderline relationship, from recovery to back to normalcy and thriving in your new found free life.

Grieve The Relationship
First, you have to grieve the relationship. Allow yourself time to fully grieve. You can get books like How to Survive The Loss of a Love. The book's a little cheesy, but it worked for me.

Actually allot time each day to grieve the loss. Losing someone who is borderline is tough, mainly because they are such intense relationships. Most of us that were in a relationship with a Borderline thought that this was it, and this person was marriage material. We suddenly had to say goodbye to our partner -- heck, I nearly bought a house with my ex BPD.

This has a huge cost in terms of how you feel. It takes time -- longer than normal to heal. Give yourself the time, no matter what, or it will come out strange ways.

Begin To Prove To Yourself That You're Not Those Things That The Borderline Said You Were
I know, this one is a little nutty, but it works. Even if you know that you're not crazy, you're not borderline, you're not a liar, you're not a scammer, you're not gay, your kids aren't mental patients, you don't want to hurt the BPD, the BPD's family, the BPD's pets, the BPD's pets, and so on (I rattled that off in one thought, so you can see that those scars are still there), they still have a lasting effect.

When I told the borderline that she was BPD, her response was, "no I'm not, you are." She then launched into an all-out attack on me, trying to prove that I was borderline. or suffered from Antisocial Personality Disorder (often seen as the male counterpart to BPD). It got so bad that one day, we were in a psychologist's office going through the DSM, me having to prove that I don't have Antisocial Personality Disorder. I've covered this before, but my point is that it has a lasting impact.

After the relationship terminated, one of my first relationships was with a psychologist. This PhD dealt regularly with criminals that had Antisocial Personality Disorder. I know that I didn't have this disorder, but I just had to prove it a little more...

Begin To Get Your Sense of Self Back
So, you're now mourning the relationship. It's time to get into the driver's seat and make life good again. Appreciate your new found freedom and time. After all, you no longer have to worry about a borderline, or anyone for that matter.

One book that I found particularly useful was a book called Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends. It contained plenty of great information, was a quick read, but helped me put everything into perspective and begin to grow once again. It was definitely one of those good ones to read when going through this change.


Learn How Not To Make The Same Mistakes
So, you're starting to get your sense of self back. You may want to go to a counselor to examine what drew you to the borderline and how to ensure it doesn't happen again. For me, it was a deep childhood issue with my sense of self -- I felt comfortable proving my worth, which the BPD constantly challenged.

One book that I found particularly useful was a book called No More Mister Nice Guy. It helped me break some of the chains that had kept me in the relationship -- the chains of great sex, and others. 


Break The Chains of Codependency
Some need to go to Alanon. I didn't need it, but I did realize what codependent behaviors I had and broke them, for the most part. I read books like Codependent No More which allowed me to start forming healthy, functional relationships with others.



Learn To Start Getting The Love -- and Giving The Love -- That You Deserve
So, you're now on the right path. You're feeling better and better. While doing this, be sure to keep working through your regular issues -- mourning when appropriate, taking time for yourself, re-discovering who you really are.

When you're ready -- start getting the love that you deserve. I read a book which helped do this, called Getting the Love You Want. This book was a great book and helped explain it all and make large changes in me. After reading this book, I:
- Went back to church, finding a spiritual foundation (which is so critical)
- Met my current partner.

In future posts, I'll cover how I got the spiritual foundation, what it did for me and how to get it yourself. I'll also cover each of these elements in more detail.

You can have a normal life after a Borderline Relationship, for what it's worth. Follow the approach outlined here and you'll be on your way.

Flood

When I was living with the borderline, there was a massive storm one spring day. The storm dumped inches of water on the area.

After the first day's rain, I took the kids home for the weekend. The storm began on a Saturday, and it was ugly by Sunday. As I took the kids home, the BPD called me and said that her finished basement was beginning to get water in it.

I asked her to check the sump pump, but she couldn't as it was sealed up. I dropped the kids then stopped at a local harware store, purchasing a temporary sump pump and various other supplies, such as a shop vac, so we could get the water out.

I also called my parents. My father came down to the house and helped figure out the situation as well.

Teamwork Amidst Rising Water
We were all working on the problem. We were moving items that were getting destroyed, putting furniture up so it would not be ruined, relocating while also working on getting the water out or figuring out a way. It was tough work, but we did what we could and got some of the most critical things to safety.

Unfortunately, the water kept rising, and as time progressed, we lost more and more items. In the end, there was about 4 inches of water in the basement before the levels subsided.

Problem Solved, Damage Done
A plumber came in and discovered the problem -- the butterfly valve had been stuck in the closed position. This did not allow any water to get out of the sump pump, so the water levels rose.

Once this was fixed, the basement emptied itself of water within an hour. Unfortunately, the damage was done:

• Rugs and walls were ruined
• Furniture and many goods were destroyed
• A lot of work was going to be required to fix it

We began the work of emptying the basement, cutting up and pulling out all of the rugs, putting industrial driers into the basement and cutting some of the wall board on the walls to cut out the ruined wall board. This took days and many late nights after work as the basement was quite large and completely finished. In time, we did it.

Rebuilding

After clearing out the destroyed rug and wallboard, then drying the entire basement, we began rebuilding. We fixed all the wall board, put on molding, then repainted the entire basement.

Finally, we re-carpeted the entire basement, then put the furniture back where it belonged. A nightmare of a process which took three months, but we did it.

Accusations

After the flood had come and gone and we were rebuilding, on multiple occasions, the BPD accused me of actually causing the flood.

She said that the morning of the flood, that we were fighting. She thinks that I was so mad that I went outside, took a rock and brought it inside, throwing this little rock into the sump well and jamming the butterfly valve.

Even explaining this confuses me. However, it shows me how amazing the borderline mind is and how they can conjure up such detail in a story like this.

It also shows that a borderline's accusations cross every boundary. I spent countless hours helping her fix her basement, yet she thinks that I would do such a thing. I brought my father into the situation to help, yet she has the audacity to accuse me of such an act.

She was so convinced that she actually told her father that I may have done this, and her father actually checked out the sump pump to see if there was evidence of me doing such a thing.

The borderline mind is always at work, always trying to figure out how someone has done them wrong, always being the victim of the situation. As the partner, you become the object of much of this childlike paranoia.

In the Beginning (or End)...

I sat in Bangkok's Siam Square in November, 2003 and watched all the people of the world come together. I watched them sit in this tropical environment on a regular Sunday, people shopping and just walking through the area, a Sony Jumbotron on the side of a building.

It was different than I had ever experienced -- the only place where I had seen a huge monitor on the side of a building was New York City's Time Square, which has such a busy, fast-paced environment. Siam Square had one two-lane road going through it, with people mostly dominating the area. There was a large fountain in the square, and people could sit on the fountain and watch the monitor, which was playing music. It was a casual, calm, laid back area, more like a market than a city. There were some buddhists praying on the edge of the square, and people of all walks of life were in this square.

The following song came onto the monitor, in video form, with music playing. I watched all of the people that were in this area -- literally hundreds of people, from all walks of life, Europeans, Asians, Thais, Africans, Americans, Hispanics, sing the chorus of this song (this is the Black Eyed Peas' Where Is The Love? I've cut parts of it for length):










Where Is The Love?
What's wrong with the world, mama
People livin' like they ain't got no mamas
I think the whole world addicted to the drama
Only attracted to things that'll bring you trauma
Overseas, yeah, we try to stop terrorism
But we still got terrorists here livin'
In the USA, the big CIA
The Bloods and The Crips and the KKK
But if you only have love for your own race
Then you only leave space to discriminate
And to discriminate only generates hate
And when you hate then you're bound to get irate, yeah
Madness is what you demonstrate
And that's exactly how anger works and operates
Man, you gotta have love just to set it straight
Take control of your mind and meditate
Let your soul gravitate to the love, y'all, y'all

People killin', people dyin'
Children hurt and you hear them cryin'
Can you practice what you preach
And would you turn the other cheek

Father, Father, Father help us
Send some guidance from above
'Cause people got me, got me questionin'
Where is the love (Love)

It just ain't the same, always unchanged
New days are strange, is the world insane
If love and peace is so strong
Why are there pieces of love that don't belong
Nations droppin' bombs
Chemical gasses fillin' lungs of little ones
With ongoin' sufferin' as the youth die young
So ask yourself is the lovin' really gone
So I could ask myself really what is goin' wrong
In this world that we livin' in people keep on givin' in
Makin' wrong decisions, only visions of them dividends
Not respectin' each other, deny thy brother
A war is goin' on but the reason's undercover
The truth is kept secret, it's swept under the rug
If you never know truth then you never know love
Where's the love, y'all, come on (I don't know)


People killin', people dyin'
Children hurt and you hear them cryin'
Can you practice what you preach
And would you turn the other cheek

Father, Father, Father help us
Send some guidance from above
'Cause people got me, got me questionin'
Where is the love (Love)

I feel the weight of the world on my shoulder
As I'm gettin' older, y'all, people gets colder
Most of us only care about money makin'
Selfishness got us followin' our wrong direction
Wrong information always shown by the media
Negative images is the main criteria
Infecting the young minds faster than bacteria
Kids wanna act like what they see in the cinema
Yo', whatever happened to the values of humanity
Whatever happened to the fairness in equality
Instead in spreading love we spreading animosity
Lack of understanding, leading lives away from unity
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin' under
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin' down
There's no wonder why sometimes I'm feelin' under
Gotta keep my faith alive till love is found


- The Black Eyed Peas 




Setting The Stage for The BPD Relationship
We all have moments in our lives where we look at what we've done, who we are, and decide to make changes. I realized how big the world truly is and how we're all so different, yet we're the same. We all sing and look for exactly the same thing.

We all want love.

I wanted love, and I wasn't getting the love I wanted or needed. I'll never forget that moment as it is still burned in my mind. I watched the world come together and deliver a message to me.

What an amazing moment. How special, how warm, how loving that scene was. Something that you feel honored to be a part of, it was given to me. I was so lost, and they told me that I needed that love.


I wanted to be a new person. A different person. I didn't even know all of the changes that I wanted to make, but I wanted change. Big change. I wanted to become a new person, a better person, a transformed person.

I made changes when I got back from Thailand. My then wife and I separated, and I began a tumultuous journey which has lasted for over five years. 


Tough Times
All the shame I felt, all the guilt I was shedding, all the self-loathing literally set the stage for my entering the relationship with the Borderline. After being in the dysfunctional marriage for so many years where verbal abuse was the norm, a relationship with a borderline isn't that strange.


Of course, looking back, I can't believe what I went through.


I went through a divorce, then entered the relationship with the borderline, all looking for that love. The journey has been tough, but I finally reached the place that I was seeking.


There were many difficult times. I had always been a naive person, I guess. I learned how terrible -- how heartless -- some people can be. I left a life of mediocrity in an attempt to find true happiness. Part of that journey included two years with a BPD. 


A Long Journey


In aggregate, a two year relationship with someone suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder isn't that long. I view the time as something that allowed me to grow into the person that I am now. Without that, I would be missing some critical elements of myself. Some critical elements that have helped with keeping my character more solid. 


Accepting Jesus as my savior helped me find this happiness, this love that I was seeking. Jennie also was a big part of finding this happiness, but our relationship is much more healthier than any that I ever been involved.


Along the journey, I lost friends -- they weren't true friends, so I'm not worried. My true friends stayed with me, and they have continued to be lifelong friends that have helped me when I needed them. 


Some said, "I don't envy what you have to go through," and they were gone (POOF!). They say that your friends are there for you even in your toughest times. So true.


I'm eternally grateful for my friends and family. They've continued to keep me moving forward, in the right direction, even when times were hardest.


You Will Survive
It won't be easy, but you will survive the journey. It will hurt -- you may feel pain like you've never hurt before. When it's over, if you do the work and work on yourself, understanding why you were in such a relationship, you can heal. It will take years -- you need to undo the pain and trauma that you experienced and also probably undo other trauma and pain that made you susceptible to a relationship with a borderline.


When all is done, you can survive. You can get through it and survive a relationship with a borderline. In the end, you can emerge a much more well-rounded person that is more content and happy -- much happier than when you were in the relationship with the borderline. 

The Last In-Person Conversation

As I sit here and think about the last time I was with the BPD, I think about how time changes your perspective sooooooo, much. When I read yesterday's post and I read last year's post about The Grand Finale, I realize how much our perspective changes as we distance ourselves from the relationship, continue to heal and gain better perspective.

To recap, two years ago to the day (today) was the last time I spoke with the BPD in person. She had stayed over after a night of drinking in New York City, and when we woke up, I was back in heaven. She was next to me, and life was good.

For her, heaven was short lived. She began questioning me and anxiety was rearing its ugly head. "I feel like other people have been here with you, and have stayed in this bed with you."

Uuuuhhhh, no.

"If you have someone else in this bed, I'll make you wish you never did."

Really? Wow. This was the chick that I cared so much about.

I kept trying to assure her that all was okay, that I hadn't been with anyone else. However, there must have been a part of me that was done, because I told her what I had done the week before, when she had told me that if I come over, she's calling the police.

I had gone to the local bar, met a guy and started talking fishing. We hung out and drank a couple drinks, then went to his friend's (a ten second walk from the bar) where we proceeded to spend the night talking about life and women (he was going through a divorce), listen to music and playing guitars.

All in all, the perfect night when a woman's kicking you out of her life.

Believe Nothing

I knew that the BPD wouldn't believe this. But I told her anyway when she asked what I did that night. I think at first, I told her, "you don't deserve to know what I did. You raged on me and wouldn't talk to me. You threatened to call the police."

But eventually, I relented. I told her. What do you think she did?

That's right, she freaked out. She went over to the Believe sign, the one that I had given to her, rescued from the garbage multiple times, and threw it in my garbage. What drama -- How poetic -- look for more detail on Believe in upcoming posts.

She then went outside. I asked her to sit with me so we could discuss it. She had a cigarette and we discussed it. She told me that she would never trust me, then brought up incidents like Miami where she broke up with me when I was on business there and accused me of going out to clubs and fooling around after she had broken up with me.

More on Miami in upcoming posts. This was yet another example of the insanity that was her mind, and the world that I accepted.

After she smoked her cigarette, she got in her car, said, "I'll never trust you again," and then left in a state of drama.

I've covered any communications that we've had since then, but there have only been a couple and that's it.

Two years ago, to the day, this all happened. A week later, we were supposed to go out, but I'll cover that in the next week. While I've covered some of these stories before, I now have perspective that I never had before. Time has given me more of a perspective, and while I don't remember the details as vividly as I did, I now have better understanding.

Funny, I still remember the exact places where all the conflict occurred. I remember wherever she said something negative to me, or accused me of something, or we had major conflict.

It had to happen like this. I had to break the chains, and I had to heal. I would have kept the cycle going if it wasn't such a harsh break.

All for the better, but it takes time to realize this.

The Final Date

Two years ago today, we had our last date. The last time that we were together, and what a date it was.

We had a lot of fun on the date, between the accusations that she made throughout the night. We got real drunk -- almost like our first date.

NYC Bar Hopping

We had planned on going to New York City -- something that we had never done together, although we live within an hour's drive of the City. When she got to my place, the accusations began: "It seems like you're rushing to put your Christmas tree up, when you said that you were doing this all day; what were you doing?" Looking back, these accusations were so ridiculous as I had my kids all day long. She was either so insecure or projecting so much guilt for things that she had done wrong that she just couldn't handle it. It was probably a combination of both.

After getting through the first accusation, we drove into the city. As we were heading into the Holland Tunnel, her second accusation was launched. I'm not sure what it was about, but she accused me of something bad -- something crazy bad -- as we headed into the tunnel. I think she told me that I knew this drive too well and probably had done this with someone else recently.

This is a perfect example of BPD anxiety gone off the charts. I was totally into this woman, and had told her this over and over again. It didn't matter. We were starting to separate our lives, and her anxiety and accusations had gone crazy.

Once she got over the tunnel accusation and anxiety, we got into the city and parked. Ironically, she told me where to go. I didn't know where I was, but we ended up in Greenwich Village. We went to the first bar and had our first drink where she launched the next accusation. She began questioning me about my whereabouts the night when we had last planned to be together, which was a week earlier. I had tried to get her out to meet me, but she wouldn't come as she was too angry with me. When I told her that I was coming over, she said, "if you come over here, I'm calling the police."

That's when I backed off and didn't come over. I didn't respond to her accusations, and we went to another bar. Seems like when the alcohol flowed with the BPD, life was good.

Village Party

While we were on our partying around New York City, we walked from the Village up to Union Square, went to a champagne bar (and split a bottle of champagne), then had thai at a restaurant off the square, then walked back down into the village, stopping at a couple choice bars along the way.

Partially Learned Behaviors

During the bar hopping excursion, she told me that she had been discussing the relationship with her parents. They said, "you have to figure out what's the problem here," which she said that she wanted to respond, "it's you guys and what you taught me."

That was the only time that it became clear that her behaviors were partially learned behaviors and clearly passed down from her parents. We all carry the weight of our parents' relationship and whatever dysfunction that it had, and she was clearly carrying some of this. The advice that she gave her came from judgemental people that had hardened hearts. They viewed the world from such a pessimistic perspective that it was sad. I always felt for her mother who had lost a brother when she was a child, under her watch. That must have been quite traumatizing, and the reason why she drank bottles of wine on a daily basis.

We went to about six or seven bars in total that night, and we had drank so much that there was a point where I had recommended staying in the city. I stopped drinking and sobered up while she kept drinking. We drove home after that, where she slept, then stayed over.

Tomorrow, learn about the final discussion that we had before she left for good, and I didn't chase her.

Boundaries: Critical For Survival

Without them, you will be ripped into shreds and made to feel like a terrible person. With them, you can maintain a *healthy* sense of self-worth, if you can maintain them.

If you can maintain them.

If you can maintain them.

I'd argue that any of us that are in a long-term relationship with a borderline can't maintain properly boundaries with our partner. We have a tendency to let our partners regularly violate our boundaries and hurt us, telling us terrible things about us and put all of their misery on us.

What Are Boundaries?

Simply stated (wish me luck here), boundaries are the rules that a person lives by:

- How will I allow people to treat me?

- Will I let people make fun of me, ridicule me, treat me poorly, or will I leave such situations?

- Will I let people hurt me, or will I not stand for being hurt, ending a relationship when boundaries are violated?

We have boundaries in all of our relationships, with friends, family and lovers. Most of the time, self-esteem and self worth will impact how healthy our boundaries are with others. Those with low self esteem and low self worth will let others violate what would be healthy boundaries.

I was told by a counselor once that my exBPD girlfriend had no boundaries. Thinking about it more, I disagree. Let me explain.

Borderlines have difficulty establishing and enforcing boundaries. Their instability makes them put up boundaries that are too strong, then letting their boundaries down completely. Because they are such extreme people, they cannot have healthy boundaries, and in fact, they will often put up such strong boundaries that they will alienate others.

The BPD that constantly plays victim to another person and claims to be regularly victimized is putting up boundaries, no matter how dysfunctional they may be. They are telling their partner that they were victimized by another person and they don't want to have that happen again. My exBPD played the victim card that she was extremely hypersensitive. She would fabricate thoughts that I had, accusing me of doing horrible things that I never had any intention of doing.

Suddenly, she was again playing the victim, making sure that terrible things didn't happen to her. This kept her boundaries too strong and invaded my boundaries.

My initial response to these strange, completely off-the-wall accusation was, "I have nothing to hide and would never do such a thing to you." But over time, these off-the-wall accusations wear on a person. My responses weakened to I would never intentionally try to make you feel like this, to which she accused me of hurting her, but not intentionally doing things. Like I was doing this subconsciously.

This was all in her head, but it became my reality. She worked into me and violated my boundaries for healthy self-worth and self esteem. Because I was newly divorced and hurting, I allowed this to happen -- for over a year, then I had to start protecting myself.

Initially, I thought that she would see the good in me -- the person that I was. She never did. In a way, I was trying to violate healthy boundaries by trying to show her who I was.

Boundaries can be confusing. Remember that healthy boundaries are critical to someone feeling good about themselves, which is healthy self esteem. If you feel bad about yourself, first check and see if someone is making you feel like that. If they are, I'd bet that they're violating your boundaries.

Do Borderlines Appear Normal?

I recently received an email asking if the BPD that I dated appeared normal. Did she seem like a person that had a good head on her shoulders? Did she seem like someone that I would be interested in and attracted to? Without a doubt, the answer is yes.

Most borderlines are quite attractive, very charming and personable. They are usually quite perceptive and sharp -- to a fault. These people are smart and have figured out how to get what they want in life.

When you enter into a relationship with a borderline, it seems like life is perfect. Everything you've always wanted in a person is there, and then some. It's the person that you've always wanted, that soul mate, that person that you've dreamed about.

Not Reality

This is where things get dicey. What's happened is that we Nons have lost a bit of our perception. We want that Dream Partner soooooo bad that we fool ourselves into thinking that we have found her. Our Dulcinea Syndrome kicks in, and the borderline is smart enough to chameleon into that dream girl as best they can.

However, beneath the surface, borderlines clearly demonstrate that they have issues. You can tell because you'll be in some type of a normal exchange when SNAP -- the borderline will change into someone that you don't know. For more information on this, read more about the Vengance Switch.

I knew that there were issues with the BPD because I always wanted to go to a deeper level with my partner. A level of higher understanding, a level of ultimate trust and respect, a level where few couples can go. The BPD fell far short of this level, but I tried to build the relationship so it could reach that level.

The problem is that every day, the BPD would regress, and she would have issues. Every day, we would sit and discuss them. This validated her identity, looking back, as every day, I reaffirmed my love for her and told her how I would not leave her.

The fighting, the accusations, the dirtiness marred the relationship, and every day, I felt like we were rebuilding.

Unfortunately, borderlines do not understand how normal humans interact as their reality is so different from others. So they live in a world of distorted reality, and they are the center of this world. All events, happenings and the like impact them and their reality. They have difficulty having empathy as they cannot feel for others; their own fears consume them. Their world is a constant state of being victimized by other people, by institutions, by the world. The victim is never responsible, never accountable, and always hurting.

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

While the Borderline appears normal, their life's story will be marred by constant drama, events where others have hurt them, victimized them, and the like. Basically, go through the DSM's criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder and you'll hear stories around these main criteria:

- A number of relationships where they ended in the police coming, someone getting arrested, trials, etc.

- Relationships where the BPD kicked the other partner out a number of time.

- Relationship where there was abuse, usually physical but definitely verbal

- Wild sexual adventures -- the kind that you've never heard anyone doing before

- A usually shaky relationship with the BPD's family, although they may initially paint it as solid (depending on what you told the BPD was important to you)

- Few, if any friends

The BPD may initially paint their life as being wonderful, but when you dig beneath the surface, you may find someone who is all alone. You may actually feel bad for the person. I did.

The best thing to do when starting any relationship is to give it time. Give everything time. If you see a partner trying to rush into anything, there is probably a reason, and this should be a warning flag.

BPDs in particular will try to hook you with their charm, sexuality and the like, then lay their misery on you. Don't forget -- it's never too late to leave the relationship.

BPD Drama: Something About Mary

Borderlines love the drama. They live on it. It defines them.

While the borderline loves any kind of drama, their favorite drama is the drama of attraction.

We all like to feel like others are attracted to us. It makes us feel special. It makes us feel like we are wanted.

However, with the normal person, we know that this attraction will not go any further. With someone that lacks boundaries (like a Borderline), this attraction can go much further. Most will let it go all the way.

Someone who loathes themselves like a borderline loves this attraction. Their sexuality is the most primal part of this attraction and proves to them I'm worthy of love and attention.

Something About Mary

Before I met the BPD, she had lived in a small city, but moved after her neighborhood shunned her and pretty much shut her out. She told me what it was like when she lived in this town. This may be hard to follow, but it's even harder for me to remember. Follow along here:

- She was cheating on her husband with Bob. Having a full blown affair

- Her husband knew something was wrong. He was freaking out and quite upset

- A local bartender was hitting on her, telling her how hot she was

- The owner of another local bar thought she was beautiful and hitting on her

- While having an affair with Bob, she slept with Brian, Bob's best friend, one night while walking home from a bar. Twice

- Eddie, Bob's partner in the Liquor store that they owned, used to tell the BPD about how Bob (who was still married) treated his wife and what was happening at Bob's house

- By the way, Eddie regularly propositioned the BPD and said that he would take care of her

- Eventually she had a threesome with Bob and the local bartender. But she said that she couldn't do it

Whew. I'm tired from all of this. I think that's how it went down. It all ended with The Firehouse incident, which I'll cover in a future installment (real soon -- I forgot about this). Talk about drama.

As you can see, the Borderline lives for this attraction. I fell into her trap of the victim. Some have called the BPD a vulnerable seductress. Now you can see why.

Borderline partners must be given firm boundaries, or they will violate all boundaries. The Non partner can quickly suffer from major self-esteem issues, as mentioned in previous entries. If you are the Non in a BPD relationship, keep your eyes open, and make sure that you set these firm boundaries. Your self-worth is at stake.