You are not alone...

This was also written by contributor David showing how many resources there are for the Non. Look for more tips and links to resources in upcoming posts.

It's amazing that after clicking my heels three times (well this is breakup number three isn't it) and hence returning from the Land of Oz, I have found so many online resources to aid in my recovery from a two year addictive (see how I need to replace 'love" with what it really was...) relationship to my uBPD (undiagnosed Borderline).

One thing I have absolutely realized is that my story is so similiar in many ways to others who have been in this type of abusive relationship. Another is that I finally realized that I was very codependent and that I had things to work on myself. Typically BPD relationships either last 18 months or 15 years, depending on the level of codependency a non like me displays. Me, I had it so bad that I actually developed traits of my borderline (suicidal ideation, impulsivity in regards to her, obsessing about her, rage to the point of grabbing her, etc.), all things that have since left me and where not there before her. Now I am not blaming her for my behaviors but I do realize how being with her did trigger these things inside me.

Besides this blog where I realized that the words and stories could have literally been my own, I discovered several other online resources. A website by a psychologist who has written some great articles for non's about BPD and relationships titled GettinBetter literally is what caused the lightbulb to go off in my head after year 2 and breakup #3. I've read that when you have this experience as a non, you journey to recovery can begin (though it will be very difficult) because you finally have that moment of clarity that you have been a part of a dysfunctional (and not love, stars aligned, soul mate finally, person you want to spend the rest of your life with, etc) relationship. I recommend reading shell shocked and at any cost first but then read everything she has. Another thing I have been doing is visiting a Psychology and Mental health forums that relates to BPD. I soon discovered that there a quite a few nons who share their struggles and personal accounts as well as diagnosed and recovering BPDers with some insight into the thoughts of a BPDer.

I'm so amazed at how with all the knowledge I have about BPD, my own dysfunctional realtionship expereince, the calmness that is now coming into my life, church, prayer, this blog, therapy, supportive friends, etc. how truly hard it is to push the thought of her out of my life. I have good days where I only waste a few moments of my time and others where I wake up and have thoughts of her all freakin day long. That's the addictive part I hate the most, it's worse than any drug or other behavior I've ever indulged in.

I did not love her, I was ADDICTED to her and the extreme ups she offered (subconsiously at times for sure) as well as the chaos in that relationship. That's been the hardest truth yet for me to swallow.

"yes it is time to educate MY inner child, who is encumbering me with nagging doubts and might have beens. The problem now is that MY inner child does not yet feel it is true. The hard part was not going through the end of that relationship nor learning about BPD but now internalizing to feel it at the gut level (inner child). Where as my gut once said she is the one, my soulmate, the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with, I must now replace that with the cold hard truths of what it really was... a big fat LIE."