Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Relationships After The BPD: BPD Baggage For Future Relationships

I've mentioned it before, but I haven't spoken specifically about it for some time. After you've come out of a Borderline Relationship, what is it like? What are your relationships like? Do you live Happily Ever After?

You can, but it's not always easy.

BPD Baggage

When you're in such a highly dysfunctional relationship, you walk away from it with lots of baggage. Lots of it. It takes time to clear out the baggage.

In my case, I cleared the baggage through a number of ways:

  • I went to counseling for months after the relationship terminated to understand what needs the BPD fulfilled
  • I read books, lots of books, on healing and getting the love that I wanted
  • I focused on myself as best I could and found healthy outlets for the baggage:
    • Friends and family
    • Playing guitar
    • Exercise
    • Church
    • Writing -- I started writing a blog where I would express myself :-)
You have baggage, and it needs to be cleared out.

You Will Bring BPD Baggage Into Future Relationships
Regardless of how much work you do, you will most likely bring some baggage from the BPD relationship into future relationships. It's up to you to determine how much baggage you will bring into future relationships.

I brought baggage into the relationship. I was still scarred and not trusting women very much when I entered into my current relationship, which is now almost two years long. I was still healing and quite cynical.

Fortunately, I'm with someone who was a psychology major in college and is quite confident in herself. She has little if any jealousy and has let me go through the remaining healing. Overall, she has been quite supportive and reads the blog daily.

New Relationships: Not Always Perfect
I have learned that the relationship is not always perfect, and it won't be perfect because none are. There was a time, around one year ago, where I was quite unhappy in the relationship. I thought that she was too selfish, too preoccupied with herself and her own needs, without listening to me and my concerns. I brought my concerns and my issues to her and told her how unhappy I was.

Fight, Not Flight
I went from a relationship where I continually needed to stabilize the relationship and show the BPD that I was committed to a relationship where my partner was willing to fight for the relationship. When I told her my concerns, we went to a counselor and unpacked the issues. 

In counseling, she learned that she was not listening to me, and I learned that a lot of my issues were from my past with the BPD and that I was still quite guarded as a result of the relationship. Of course, we learned more, but this was some of the essence of our weeks of learning together. 

We walked out of the counseling much closer and much more understanding of one another and each others' issues. It hasn't always been easy, but it's based in caring, not resentment, anger, rage or devaluation, like a borderline relationship. 

Time Heals
If we are receptive to learning, we will learn, over time, that we can have fully functional relationships. It's not always easy, but it can be done with communication and care.

Jennie and I got engaged on Thanksgiving Eve and are now making plans to wed this year. The Me/Us Project will continue, but you can have a happy ending.It just takes time, a willingness to look at your past issues and make changes, and continual work on one's self. You can do it. I continue to do it.


  1. Congratulations!!! You brought the light to us!!! Thanks for sharing!!! I am 25 days away from my BPD ex.

  2. I was dumped 3 weeks ago by a man who I believe has BPD. He did it out of nowhere. I don't know how I can continue on the path I am now. I have constant anxiety, feel depressed, and can't stop thinking about what went wrong when things were seemingly perfect.
    The worst part about BPD is that nothing could have gone wrong, he just up and left for no reason.
    It's hard to imagine my life without him or understand what steps I need to take for myself to get back to the strong person I was before the relationship. Any of your advice will help.


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