Sunday, December 23, 2007

Sundays are the worst

For so long, it's been tough, but this Sunday was the worst. I'm not sure why now, I'm not sure what it is; maybe because it's the Sunday before Christmas, maybe I went to the mall yesterday and walked by the food court where our family came together every week for a year, maybe it was all of it.

It was a hard week. It was a hard weekend. It was even harder today.

I woke up in tears, and that was how I was all day long. Just cried my eyes out all day long. I miss the relationship.

As I think about it, I don't miss her anymore. I miss the relationship and the security of the relationship.

I'm starting to realize that I was the object of her anger and insecurities. It was all my fault, it was everything that I did wrong. I was good at it though; I could handle it and almost thrive in it. Why?

I didn't want that part of it, ever. So much that I requested that we go into counseling after 6 months of the relationship, then after ten months, then again around a year. We were in counseling until the rest of the relationship.

She said, "I spent thousands of dollars of counseling trying to change you."

Really? Thanks for the help. Help yourself for once. Stop making me the reasons for your insecurity, anxiety, anger and turmoil. Isn't me. Never was, and never will be.

So, when I think about it:
- She treated me like crap
- She told me that I was bad all the time.

But I still miss it. I miss the affection and the intimacy. That was so good, so wholesome that you try to stick it out, no matter what. I think that I did the right things by making us go into counseling, but she never opened up and took accountability for her half of the relationship. It was me, all me.

She did take some responsibility, but she's not ready to open up. As a result, I'm a frigging wreck and have had my heart broken.

I always believed that she would realize what she had with me. I always believed that she would realize what she had with me. I always believed that she would realize what she had with me.

She obviously didn't ever realize.

The sad thing is that I don't think she feels like I do. I don't think that she is suffering like this. When I first moved out, she said to me, "I've already mourned you," after four days.

Really? I've been mourning you for four weeks. It takes time.

I was listening to the radio and balled so hard that I had to pull the car over as I couldn't see. She'll never feel like this. She's not that in touch with her feelings.

I don't ever get mad. I just get sad. I really need to get mad about this, but I still can't believe that she said the things that she did. Even when we were breaking up, she is such a mean, nasty woman.

"You can't go to 3West. If you do, I'll start dating the bartender so they'll make you leave."

This is someone that I was going to marry and buy a house with. She says that to me now?

That's why I feel like my heart was broken. I never knew who I fell in love with until it was too late.

I have learned that I have to keep my eyes open and stop suffering from my dreaded "Dulcinea Syndrome." I need to better read people and not just accept them because I want a long-term partner so badly that I'm willing to accept what I don't want. I need to work on that. I need to work on that.

No more Dulcinea. Wait for the princess, boy. The wait will be worth it.

Sunday's almost over -- I got through another one. God, this was a difficult one. But I made it through it. I don't need her. I miss the relationship, but she hurt me bad, over and over. No reason to take that kind of crap, day in and day out. Life shouldn't be so hard.

I'm getting stronger, every day. But some are worse than others.

Friday, December 21, 2007

Life Goes On

God I miss her. Despite the dysfunction, despite her constant insecurity, despite her insanity and turmoil, I miss her.

I miss her beauty.
I miss the I love you's.
I miss the affection.
I miss the partnership.
I miss the amazing sex.
I miss the togetherness.
I miss the planning for our future.

I don't miss the constant accusations, the anger, the verbal and physical abuse.
I don't miss the turmoil.
I don't miss the constant belittling, and
I don't miss feeling like I can never do anything right and being yelled at for everything.
I don't miss walking on eggshells.
I don't miss being told that everything was my fault.
I don't miss being told that she was the victim, and that I was the sick one.
I don't miss being told how bad my family is
I don't miss being told how screwed up my kids are
I don't miss not being able to go out with my friends for a guys night out
I don't miss not being able to go to the gym because I may meet someone there
I don't miss not having any free time for myself
I don't miss not being able to play guitar because it would bother someone
I don't miss being accused of sleeping with everyone
I don't miss being called gay by the woman that I made love to nearly every night
I don't miss being accused of trying to screw with her
I don't miss being accused of breaking things in her house
I don't miss being accused of calling her at 3:00 just to get a rise out of her

I don't miss her. I miss the relationship that we had.

I always said that people's true colors come out when things get ugly. When things got ugly, a beautiful woman turned nasty and ugly. She may think that I did the same, but I didn't. I held my course. She told me that we had a love/hate relationship. No we didn't. She had a love/hate relationship. I was the same. I would complain, maybe yell a bit, but I wouldn't do the things that she would.

Things are getting better. I'm beginning to meet people and make friends. I'm about to join the gym. When you're in a relationship like that, you lose touch with the outside world. Now I'm getting back in touch with the outside world. God it's nice.

I still think about her regularly, and I still cry daily about something. Every day gets a little better, and I get stronger. My network gets bigger, and I miss the relationship less.

If we got back together, her issues would arise, and she would put them on me. I know that. I fear a smear campaign in the near future. Let's hope she's not that sick. Only time will tell. I'll be getting renter's insurance in the near future.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Wake Up

"If you continued with her, I would not be surprised to get a phone call saying that you were hurt or dead or something by her," Eddie told me, then continued, "and Larry wouldn't be surprised either. Hey Schmittie, would you be-,"
I could hear, "not at all," said before he could even finish his statement.
Holy crap.
I actually called him because I needed a lifeline. I needed someone's support so I didn't call her because I felt that need so strongly that it was crushing me. I could feel it inside of me, welling up again.
This time, I didn't call. Probably one of the first times. I'm realizing how bad she was for me.
She abused me. She hurt me, more mentally than physically, but it hurt nonetheless. I don't ever think that she did it intentionally, but she put her anguish on me.
Holy crap, she had a lot of anguish and inner turmoil.
I learned a lot about myself through the turmoil. I didn't put enough time into myself, because I wasn't allowed. When I was allowed, I was later criticized for doing something wrong. What a shame -- so close yet so far.

We were so close, yet we were so far.

I still miss her, but every day gets a little easier. I'm learning about myself again instead of being caught up in her misery. I still don't understand how she could even think the thoughts that she did, but it's not my problem and not my thoughts.

They were so nuts though, so not me, that it made me nuts. How could someone ever think those things about me?

Not my problem. Not my problem. Not my problem.

I made it my problem.

Well, the good thing is that I'm back to writing. Not writing what I want yet, but I need to get through this first. The funny thing is that if she read this, she would say, "you're doing this to show to girls..." Would I ever want someone to see these pathetic thoughts, feelings and attitudes? No f'ing way. People would question me, as they should.

I used to think that counseling would make her better. I used to think that she would realize the err of her ways, wake up one day and say, "holy crap, what I have been doing?"

My advice for anyone in the situation -- they will never know. They convince themselves of a reality different than everyone else's, and that becomes their world. It's crazy, but they perceive things differently. They think differently. It's all about them and only them.

You have to feel bad for them, but it's tough when you're the object of their projection. Actually, it's not. That's one of the reasons why you're in the relationship with them. You want to make them feel better. You think that you can, and you can, for a very short time. Then they revert back to their world of misery and bring you with them.

Such a shame.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Back to Healing

The madness continues. Since I have moved out in October, she has broken up with me five, maybe six, or more times. My actions are always wrong and somehow hurt her feelings. There's no way to do anything right. Yet I still try to go back. It's gotten so rediculous that even I am tired of hearing myself talk and think.

The problem is that we had a wonderful time last weekend. Saturday night was another time made in heaven. Sunday morning, we're laying in bed and says, "I'm afraid that you'll get tired of me."

I respond with a reassuring, "I'll never get tired of you." Then the onslaught began:

"I feel like I'm not the only person who's been in this bed with you...I know you have things hid in this apartment...I'd love to dig through this place and find out what you've got...Just tell me who you've been seeing..." One after another after another, she asked me question after question.

Then I told her about the time we spent apart, when she last broke up with me. I told her that the night that she broke up with me, I went to the local bar and had a drink and met a dear friend. He and I hit it off right away, spending the night talking about our current plight and playing guitar. He introduced me to another friend of his, and the three of us sat around, listening to music and playing guitar. The perfect night that someone needs when a girl breaks your heart.

Her response. "You slept with someone. I know it." She left my place in a huff and hasn't spoken to me since.

"You lied to me," she said. Really? About what?

It's been five days since we saw each other or talked. I've sent her about six emails and the same number of text messages. She sent me one email that said "I hate you" fifty different times and ways, telling me how bad and evil of a person that I am. The transformation has occurred. She actually calls me a sadist, narcissist and other things as well.

I still try to contact her and tell her that we need to put it back together. Why?

Guess my need for companionship is that strong. I told her my deal when we started and haven't changed it. I'll now need to work on being alone more and being more comfortable with being alone. I'm your typical Non -- someone who enables the person their with and takes responsibility for them and their issues. I always thought that it was the right thing to do; I thought that it was a sign of strength -- someone will help others, a true sign of selflessness. Not true. They need to help themselves and take their own responsibility.

I told her, "I can't rescue you," at the onset of the relationship. There were times that she said, "I got you up here; I rescued you." Actually, you looked to me for rescuing and brought me into your miserable, empty, confusing, upside down world.

The problem? I miss you. I'm getting stronger every day, and am putting a solid support system in to conquer and deal with my fears. They're slowly subsiding and I'm getting stronger.

I've created a box where I put all of your things that I have including your pictures and belongings -- not much considering we lived together for a year and a half. I also wrote a goodbye letter to you that I'm not sure if I'll mail or not -- I probably won't because I think that the only reason would be to show you how hurt I am. Spent the last couple of nights grieving like I never have before, trying to figure out how it all fell apart. I know that it was never solid. But in other ways when I look back, I felt like it was solid. I guess that I'm fooling myself. We tried though -- one full year of counseling for us, me and you.

I still live in fear of you. In fear of coming home and seeing your car in my parking lot. In fear of my car or apartment being ransacked. In fear of doing things that you wouldn't like. Your shadow is still over my head.

That will go soon, I hope.

Monday, December 3, 2007

Dulcinea's Apology

Dear Don Quixote,

I am writing this letter to apologize for my actions during this relationship and for treating you so unfairly. I know that you are a good, noble man who truly loved me with all of his heart. Given my past, this love is not enough for my needs.

In fact, no one's love, support and admiration will be enough for me in my current state. I am not aware of this yet, and if I am aware of this, I won't admit it to anyone else. Even you, Don Quixote.

I know that you always thought that our love was one where we shared all, but there is a part of me that I cannot share with anyone. Although you see a side of me that is beautiful, pure, and funny, there is a part of me that is empty. I try not to show it, but I know that it comes out sometimes.

This side is with me all of the time. There are times when I cannot control this side, and you feel its impacts full-force. I will yell and scream at you, call you names, not trust you and accuse you of things that you never would do. This is partially fears of myself as I act them out as you have done them.

When we were together, things were usually good. With you in my presence, I knew that all was good in the world. The majority of the problems occurred when we were apart. I would think that you were with other people, talking to other people, emailing or communicating with others in romantic ways. I then thought that you were communicating with me at certain times of the day to "get a rise out of me." It didn't matter what efforts you tried to make me feel comfortable, because I am not comfortable with myself, I cannot be comfortable with you. I sense the anger and shame inside myself, and this comes out in harrowing ways.

I am not sure when I began thinking like this and acting like this. While there were signs of these things being present in my life, they probably became most acute after my husband died of a car accident. To be abandoned like this made me feel that no one would ever stay with me and accept me unconditionally, although I have not realized this. I therefore had to reject your love for me in as many ways as possible, although I want it so dearly. Because of how I feel about myself, I can never let you fully into my life harmoniously.

Until I realize these things, which may take me years or may never happen, I will continue this empty feeling and having these tumultuous relationships. I know that you wished to be with me for life, but this is better for you, I am sorry to say. I am simply not ready for such a relationship, and you should be treated better.

I wanted to apologize to you for all of these things and more that I have done to you, and what you have endured:
- The constant accusations that you were cheating on me
- The constant ending of the relationship
- The fact that you continually wanted me to feel comfortable, but it was never enough for me
- The fact that you devoted your life to me and spent *no* time with your friends as a result of my fears
- The fact that you would not pay the appropriate attention to your children because you were putting your time into me and my needs
- The fact that my fears controlled you and your life
- The fact that my fears became your reality and what you had to defend yourself against
- Kicking you out of the house, multiple times, and changing the locks. This must have been humiliating. I should never do this to another human being
- Having the Private Investigator follow you when you travel on business. This must also have been humiliating
- The STD tests that I insisted that you take, despite the regular clear tests
- The lack of trust with anything you said or did

When I look at the list of ways that I treated you, Don Quixote, I am amazed that you stayed in the relationship for such a long time. I know this is because you truly believed in the relationship. You recognized the wrongs you had done and were truly sorry for them. When I brought issues to your attention, you would change them as necessary. I appreciate this. I am sorry to say that I was never able to change much despite the counseling.

When I went to counseling, Don Quixote, I was trying to fix you. I now realize that I cannot fix you, and that I can only work on myself. I'm not sure if I am ready to fix myself; it may take another couple of failed relationships, more self pity, possible violent relationships to realize what I have to do. As I said before, I don't know if I'll ever be able to fix myself as my wounds are so deep and I am not ready to admit them.

I wish that I could say that I will always love you, Don Quixote, but I do not think like that. You are either good or evil. While I used to always love you, I now hate you. You are evil and this is how I must think of you to get you out of my life. I am sorry, but this is how I think. I know that you do not understand it.

I will have another relationship, probably in two weeks to a month's time. I need this relationship so I can have an identity again, and this will help provide this. I'll chameleon to the person's likings and be back in love again. I'll probably push them away beginning in one month's time, then harder if we get closer, just like I did to you. I'll put some drama into the relationship whenever I can, because if you play along with the drama, this proves that you are still dedicated to me regardless of how much I abuse you.

Despite the things that I'm about to do, I am truly sorry. I know that you will always love me, as you are a good and honorable man. I wish that you felt better right now, as the pain and confusion that I caused you must be unbearable.

I am sorry that I broke your heart.



Sunday, December 2, 2007

Letter to Dulcinea

Dear Dulcinea,

I am writing to inform you that I have enjoyed our relationship and I will always cherish it. However, I've realized something in the time that we have been together. Despite how I look at you and fantasize that you are the perfect woman, you are not.

In fact, once I come back to reality, I realize that you are a mask. You do not portray yourself for who you really are, and it takes some time before your mask comes off and I realize who is inside. Your inner serenity is flanked with angry rage, your honesty is lies to yourself and the world, your worldly view is more small-minded than I could imagine. You do not know your true identity and who you are -- you are a facade, a mirage, a shell of a person that only has anger in their core. I have now experienced this first-hand.

Dulcinae, I wished that you were the one for me -- my true love. But I have realized that I made you into my true love without looking at the real you. Now, part of this is because you changed into who I needed, so it took me more time to realize who you were, but also, I did not look at the real you. I accepted the unacceptable for too long and let the problems continue to grow. When I would make issue of them, you would say that I did something wrong. In fact, I began defending my own integrity so much that I could not look to see you anymore. The best defense is a good offense, Dulcinea, and your offenses kept me on my toes.

The problem, Dulcinea, is that I ultimately cannot live with such instability. If you were my true love, the one for me, our relationship would continue to blossom and build on what we have done together and the collective trust and respect. However, your lack of comfort with yourself was taken out on me, as if I had done something wrong. I could not support you fully because I was so busy constantly defending myself.

I am tired, Dulcinea. I had to leave our house to rest, but I came back to you. You continued to regularly push me away, and the rage that I saw and heard from you most recently cannot be in my life. No one has such rage and can live a normal life. I hope that you can correct these issues, Dulcinea, because there is a beautiful part of you that I will always appreciate and love its wholesomeness. However, until you learn how to appropriately display your emotions, you need to be alone. Or with another who can tolerate such emotions. I cannot.

Like I said, I will always love that part of you that is so wholesome and pure, Dulcinea. I will never forget looking into your eyes when you were calm, not anxious, and feeling like I could stare at you forever. I could have, and my heart is heavy. I still dream that you can be the beautiful princess that I imagined, but I know that, given the turmoil of the past two years, this may not ever be realistic. I will pray for you and your recovery every day and hope you can come out of your land in Oz. I know that your journey is far from over if you choose it, or you could continue this cycle of turmoil for years to come.

I wonder how you became like this, Dulcinea. I think most of it was set off when your husband died, but you had the prime ingredients for this making. You had an unhappy marriage where you were cheating, and you had a childhood that may have been happy but was certainly dysfunctional, particularly for your full development and growth. Your parents did not let you do things that normal children did, so your sheltered, controlled childhood was perfect for such a mentality of a non-developed self, rage and anger.

You alternate between helplessness and rage, playing the victim and having explosive reactions that you justify and say are appropriate. In your mind, Dulcinea, you feel like you can treat the world as you perceive them to treat you -- poorly. First, the world does not treat you poorly, and second, even if the world did treat you that way, you still need to maintain your integrity and treat others well.

I am so sorry, Dulcinea. I wanted to take you away on my horse and live the charmed life together. While a good part of our life was charmed, its core was rocky. It would continue to be rocky until you realize the situation, which you are quite some time away from realizing.

In the meantime, you will tell me that I have all of the problems, despite what is told to me by family, friends and professionals. You do not show the world the side of you that I see, and they will not see it. So, until you can come to terms with that side of yourself that contains such anger and rage, you will continue to have these issues, Dulcinea.

I am sorry to turn my back on you and stopping the cycle of dysfunction, Dulcinea. I just cannot have it in my life anymore as it is bad for me. I need to take care of myself and not worry about you, Dulcinea. In this relationship, I worried about you and you worried about you. The only reason you wanted me to communicate with you is so you could make sure that I was not doing anything to threaten you. Your needs always came before me.

I am still hurting, Dulcinea, as you can read from above, but I will work on getting better. I wish you the best in your journeys and hope that you can find the man of your dreams. When you meet that person, you need to be ready to be in the relationship and cannot have such rage and anger. I am sorry that it was not me.


Don Quixote