Thursday, December 13, 2007

Back to Healing

The madness continues. Since I have moved out in October, she has broken up with me five, maybe six, or more times. My actions are always wrong and somehow hurt her feelings. There's no way to do anything right. Yet I still try to go back. It's gotten so rediculous that even I am tired of hearing myself talk and think.

The problem is that we had a wonderful time last weekend. Saturday night was another time made in heaven. Sunday morning, we're laying in bed and says, "I'm afraid that you'll get tired of me."

I respond with a reassuring, "I'll never get tired of you." Then the onslaught began:

"I feel like I'm not the only person who's been in this bed with you...I know you have things hid in this apartment...I'd love to dig through this place and find out what you've got...Just tell me who you've been seeing..." One after another after another, she asked me question after question.

Then I told her about the time we spent apart, when she last broke up with me. I told her that the night that she broke up with me, I went to the local bar and had a drink and met a dear friend. He and I hit it off right away, spending the night talking about our current plight and playing guitar. He introduced me to another friend of his, and the three of us sat around, listening to music and playing guitar. The perfect night that someone needs when a girl breaks your heart.

Her response. "You slept with someone. I know it." She left my place in a huff and hasn't spoken to me since.

"You lied to me," she said. Really? About what?

It's been five days since we saw each other or talked. I've sent her about six emails and the same number of text messages. She sent me one email that said "I hate you" fifty different times and ways, telling me how bad and evil of a person that I am. The transformation has occurred. She actually calls me a sadist, narcissist and other things as well.

I still try to contact her and tell her that we need to put it back together. Why?

Guess my need for companionship is that strong. I told her my deal when we started and haven't changed it. I'll now need to work on being alone more and being more comfortable with being alone. I'm your typical Non -- someone who enables the person their with and takes responsibility for them and their issues. I always thought that it was the right thing to do; I thought that it was a sign of strength -- someone will help others, a true sign of selflessness. Not true. They need to help themselves and take their own responsibility.

I told her, "I can't rescue you," at the onset of the relationship. There were times that she said, "I got you up here; I rescued you." Actually, you looked to me for rescuing and brought me into your miserable, empty, confusing, upside down world.

The problem? I miss you. I'm getting stronger every day, and am putting a solid support system in to conquer and deal with my fears. They're slowly subsiding and I'm getting stronger.

I've created a box where I put all of your things that I have including your pictures and belongings -- not much considering we lived together for a year and a half. I also wrote a goodbye letter to you that I'm not sure if I'll mail or not -- I probably won't because I think that the only reason would be to show you how hurt I am. Spent the last couple of nights grieving like I never have before, trying to figure out how it all fell apart. I know that it was never solid. But in other ways when I look back, I felt like it was solid. I guess that I'm fooling myself. We tried though -- one full year of counseling for us, me and you.

I still live in fear of you. In fear of coming home and seeing your car in my parking lot. In fear of my car or apartment being ransacked. In fear of doing things that you wouldn't like. Your shadow is still over my head.

That will go soon, I hope.

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