Friday, April 25, 2008

Personal Life Update

I'm not sure why you all want an update on my personal life, but here goes. Do me a favor and tell me what else you're looking for (I'll even let anonymous posters put their opinion). I'm going to keep this light and easy, because my life really isn't that much fun. :-)

- I'm probably going out once or twice a week. Sometimes dates, sometimes out with friends, but just getting out. The time is coming where I can fully date again. I've met some good people and quality people that I really appreciate and have learned quite a bit from.
Getting over the next few weeks will be tough, as all of the girls' birthdays are at the end of this month and the 10th and 15th of next month.
- I'm working out pretty regularly and trying to get 6 pack abs as well as a completely toned body. My upper body is more toned than ever.
- I'm feeling fantastic overall, my self esteem and confidence has been quite high, and I feel like I'm becoming the person that I've always wanted to be. Overall, I'm content.
- I've become a crack addict out of sheer boredom. If you believe that one, I'VE GOT SOME LAND IN FLORIDA I'D LIKE TO SELL YOU!
- I got tickets to see Dave Matthews Band in June, and I'm real excited. DMB is supposed to be fantastic. Still looking for someone to go with, but in due time...

- My kids are doing real well, and we're back to the tight unit that we've always been.
- The job is going well
- I've got a number of websites that I'm about to launch that are going to be real cool. From fishing to writing and others, I'm going to have some real neat websites launching in the next few weeks.
- My pet silverfish keeps running away. ARE YOU STILL AWAKE?
- I've finally grabbed onto what I'm passionate about -- writing. I've done it forever but always wanted a little more -- to be that executive in the corner office. Not anymore. Writing is just fine for me. Pretty nice feeling.

- I can't wait, but I will. I now know that I won't settle. Whatever I settle for is what I ultimately get, so I'm shooting for the stars, and I'll wait until I get it.
- I've learned the teachings of the book 'The Secret' and I'm using them. They really work.
- Praying has also helped.
- I don't know what's happened, but a weight has lifted off of my shoulders in the past couple of weeks. It's an amazing thing. I feel content. Things are coming together for me.
- I deserve, and will have, the excellent relationship. I will have it, and I will settle for no less
- Can't wait to find my Dreamgirl - in due time, in due time...

What else do you want to know? Post a comment and let me know what you're looking for. You want me to tell you about my personal life, but I'm not hurting like I was a couple of months ago. So, I don't have that much fun stuff to tell. I will when it gets real exciting...



Thursday, April 24, 2008

2 Years When The Girls Met

My daughter just told me, "This is the two year anniversary of when we first met." April 23, 2006, they all first met. She misses the girls dearly.

These are the things that I resent the BPD for. My poor daughter has to go through so much pain because of the BPDs issues. That's a shame, and ultimately not fair for my daughter.

I wonder if the BPDs girls miss my daughter. I bet they do.

The saddest thing is that my daughter holds the date so special that she remembered it. In the BPDs world, I used to tell her about all the dates that we had -- our first date, our first everything, and she couldn't even tell me how long she dated any of her previous boyfriends. All dates were fuzzy and not defined.

Looking back, I don't think that she could remember the lies that she told me, so she didn't want to be pinned down. I trusted her blindly, and she took full advantage.

I wonder if the BPD's daughters tell the BPD that they miss her. I bet they don't. I bet that she doesn't allow them to talk about me or my kids.

I feel so bad for my daughter. She said that she sent the youngest girl a Happy Birthday message over the Internet. My little girl has such a good heart, and she misses them so dearly.

I wish I could do something for her to ease my daughter's pain as a result of this breakup. Unfortunately, there's nothing that I can do.

With a borderline breakup, there are many casualties. Families are broken apart, and the BPD creates a situation where no contact can be maintained. It's not like a normal relationship because of the splitting that occurs in the mind of the BPD.

Yet another shame. No one should be so hurt by another human beings, particularly my little girl.


One of the biggest issues with the BPD was the paranoia. She thought that her previous lovers would do things to 'screw with her,' and she thought that I was doing things to screw with her. Examples include:

- I would call her around 3:00 every day to say hello, tell her I loved her and plan out the evening. Sounds fair, especially because we would either have lunch together or talk all lunch time. The BPD thought that this was some way of screwing with her, because she would have to pick her daughter up off the bus at 3:20. She forgot that I was working and earning a living, and that her needs should have been secondary. But somehow I was screwing with her.

- To expand a little more on this issue (this was brought up by her in counseling), I'm not sure how anyone in their right mind could think in such a way. When she and I were communicating in Early March, I sent her a text message at 3:12, and got a response 'you are f'd up.' First, I had forgotten about the rules she had imposed on me when we were in the relationship (it was six months before that), and second, I always thought those rules were RIDICULOUS

- When I took her mountain biking, she thought I did it to torture her in some way. We rode tough trails and she did quite well. That type of pushing, however, she thought was torturous. Early when we rode, she had some hard falls which I was blamed for. I assessed her skill level and felt she could ride the trails, which she could.

- She thought that I broke things in her house just so I would be valuable around the house

- She thought that I broke her sump pump when her basement flooded, despite the fact that I spent hours and hours cleaning up after the basement had flooded, then, spent hours fixing the basement and installing new moulding. This one really bothers me and makes no sense. It's an example of all of the work that I did for her and how it was all minimized and made into nothing.

After that one, I'm frankly tired of talking about her paranoia and the other things. It really hurt that I did so much for that woman and the relationship, and it was all thrown away, minimized, and I was still made to feel bad. The New Rules of the Me Project would never stand for being treated as such, and this is why.

For those with Borderline Personality Disorder that read this blog, I URGE you to think about the Nons in your life and how they sacrifice for you. All that we ever wanted was a little appreciation.

In October, I moved out of living with the BPD. I thought that this would make her finally believe and understand the relationship. One week later, we laid in my new bed, and she said to me, "I feel so bad for being so hard on you." Tears are in my eyes as I write this. I thought that she finally got it, and my heart went right back to her.

Unfortunately, the paranoia continued, and we lasted two more short months. My point is that we nons try so hard to keep the relationship stable, often at our expense.

I know that I never could have had the life that I do with the BPD in my life, but I was willing to sacrifice for her. There were other parts of the relationship that were so good, so pure, so beautiful, that I would have sacrificed it all for her.

She never understood that though. Her paranoia, twisted sense of reality and poor self-image simply would not let her see my beautiful soul and how it poured out to her.

Everything happens for a reason. Everything.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

What Is The Me Project Anyway?

I don't think that I've ever formally described the Me Project, so why not describe it now? :)

The Me Project, like its name implies, is all about me. After being in a relationship of any sort, one needs to work on themselves for a while. One needs to go back to basics, figure out what they want in life, what parts of themselves need development and what parts don't.

This is particularly important for a Non borderline who was just involved with someone afflicted with Borderline Personality Disorder. The Non needs to do plenty of work on themselves to understand why they got involved with a BPD, what dysfunction they accepted and why. If they were in a relationship like me who was told "you're bad" every day, one will also need some time to clear those hurtful, negative thoughts out of their heads.

So, back to the Me Project. For too much of my life, I've focused on others, and I've ended up with people that I would consider emotional vampires. These people suck the life out of you as they try to find themselves. Critical indicators of this include:
- Low Self Esteem
- Poor Self Image
- Low Confidence Levels
- Overall Negativity
I've been the one to pull them out of their abyss and into a good state. The problem is that it was often at my expense.

So, the Me Project was born. I began this project in 2006, but suspended it when I got involved with the borderline. Of course, this is too much growth for a borderline to handle.

The objective of the Me Project is to reach my fullest potential and make sure that my kids stay on track as well. That's it.

After I got out of the relationship with the BPD, the Me Project went back into effect. Here have been my short term goals:
- Get back into good shape (underway:))
- Heal myself from the BPD relationship (underway:))
- Understand why I was in the relationship with the BPD and how to correct any holes (done!)
- Take on new projects and hobbies to fill my time (underway)
- Get the kids together (underway/done!)
- Live the theories that embody The Secret
- Get my spirituality/faith together (underway)
- Get more involved in community events (not yet started)
- Finish the book (underway)

I've done quite a bit of work that continues. The fruits of my labors are really beginning to show though. I'm attracting people that I truly want to be in my life and are exemplary. I've stepped up a couple of levels in terms of the people in my life and the people that I am attracting.

Something has happened recently. I still don't understand what has happened, but I'm not going to complain.

I'm making it great in 2008. This is my year for me to start some great things.

My 5 year plan? Be on the water (hopefully the beach) writing. I'll probably be on the snow in the winter writing. We'll see, but I'm going to make this come together.

God I love it. It's starting to fire on all cylinders.

The Me Project is working. I've always focused on others too much, to my demise. I never worked enough on me. Don't get me wrong -- I'm still a giving person, just not as giving as I was in the past where I gave to the point of my demise.

Now I understand. It's happening right in front of my eyes. A little faith goes a long way.

I can't wait to see what a lot of faith does.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Best of You

I heard this song and thought what it was like being in the relationship with the BPD. This is definitely how you feel. Great song by the way.

Many of these songs, at one time or another, would make me so sad. Over time, my wounds continue to heal, but she took a piece of me where these songs still remind me of her. However, no one can take my music from me.

No one. I won't let anyone have that.

I hope you enjoy the songs that I find and put here. Sometimes, I'll just be in a good mood, sometimes, they'll hit me hard. Sometimes I just like the song. Enjoy!

This one in particular applies to this blog. This is how you feel after you've been in a relationship with a BPD, in case you were wondering.

I’ve got another confession to make
I’m your fool
Everyone’s got their chains to break
Holdin’ you

Were you born to resist or be abused?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Are you gone and onto someone new?

I needed somewhere to hang my head
Without your noose
You gave me something that I didn’t have
But had no use
I was too weak to give in
Too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again
But I break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can’t choose
I swear I’ll never give in
No, I refuse

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
Your trust, you must

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
The life, the love
You'd die to heal
The hope that starts
The broken hearts
Your trust, you must

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

I’ve got another confession my friend
I’m no fool
I’m getting tired of starting again
Somewhere new

Were you born to resist or be abused?
I swear I’ll never give in
I refuse

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
Your trust, you must
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

*Don't let anyone get the best of you. EVER. Your self-worth, self esteem and happiness is at stake.

Sunday, April 20, 2008


I can't believe that I never wrote about Believe. Believe was a word that I used to use all the time with the her. She was constantly accusing me of deceiving her, cheating on her, and the like, and I was constantly countering her with "I'd never do that to you, I care about you too much," "I'm only into you," and the like. I spent my life trying to make her feel comfortable in the relationship.

I devoted myself to helping her believe in the relationship.
I wanted her to believe in my love for her.
I wanted her to believe in what we had and how it was so special. I felt that it was special.

I wanted her to change her attitude from being so negative to a positive one. I bought her books like "The Power of Positive Thinking," "The Secret," and the like. I've always been positive and have had such positive thoughts, so I could overcome most of her negativity.

With time, even I was overcome by her negativity.

Looking back at the relationship, I held on because I viewed the relationship as so pure, so innocent and such pure love, while I think by exBPD, in her mind, was viewing everything as so ugly.

She just wasn't telling me and letting me have my reality. This way, she's not alone, and I'm out on Cloud 9. I used to tell her that when we were apart and she would be suffering from separation anxiety (as I termed it), I'd be sitting at work on Cloud 9 from the amazing night before.

I compensated for her twisted, crazy reality of suspicion, mistrust and misery by being gregarious, warm and loving, pulling her out of her abyss on a regular basis and bringing her into my world -- my warm, safe, happy, wonderful world.

I always believed that one day, she would realize what she had and who I was. Of course, she didn't. I moved out after giving her a timeline to get her act together. After I moved out, she couldn't control me, and her mind went off the wall. I thought we would last two weeks when
I moved out, and we lasted two months.

What I've realized is that warm, safe, happy, wonderful world is mine. She put her misery on me, and I've been healing from that, but my warm, safe, happy, wonderful world is coming back. She goes back to her misery, and I go back to optimism, beauty and positive energy.

I went above and beyond with her on a regular basis, trying to get her to believe in the relationship and what we had. While we never married (she got too much from the government and that would have been cut off), I created a formal Commitment Declaration. This indicated our love for one another, rules of the relationship and commitment to being exclusive to the relationship, which we both signed, put rings on one another's fingers.

God, I tried like I've never tried before. Tears are in my eyes as I think about the efforts that I went through with her. I believed in what we had, and I believed in her.

Within a week, she had violated rules of the commitment, checking my email account or one of the other rules that I explicitly stated. Within one month, she ripped up the Commitment Declaration and threw it in the garbage. Within six months when she kicked me out of her house the second time, she and her daughters (BPDs use the kids as weapons) ceremoniously disposed of the ring by throwing it out somewhere.

She also threw the Believe plaque out multiple times, and I would retrieve it from the garbage. I actually still have it hanging in my house -- when I last saw her and she stormed out of my house, right before she left, she took the plaque off the wall and threw it in the garbage one last time; I, of course, removed it. Again.

When I bought a new cell phone, I put a picture of a sunrise in the background with the word Believe on it. To this day, I still have the Believe background on my phone, nearly two years after I first put it there. In the end, the Believe has been for me:
- I believe in the beauty of human beings, even after this experience
- I believe in pure love
- I believe in the innocence that human has
- I believe in the power of positive energy
- I believe that this world is a beautiful place and every day should be celebrated

I will keep the Believe Plaque for as long as I live. When times are hard, sometimes we have to remind ourselves to believe and not stop. The worst thing to be is a hardened, callous person. You repel people from you instead of pulling them in.

Everyone needs to believe. If we did, think about how much more wonderful of a world we would live in.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

The Emotionally Unavailable

Now that I'm single again and dating, I'm noticing lots of different people on this journey. One of the largest groups that are out there are the emotionally unavailable. This group of women falls into two categories:

1. The ones that know that they're emotionally unavailable. These usually are divorced women that get quite a large stipend from an ex husband in the form of alimony and/or child support. These women will not not not get married or commit to you, as any commitment will jeopardize their stipend and would impact their financial situation.

2. The ones that do not know that they're emotionally unavailable. This is quite a large group of women (men as well, I bet) that are scarred from their childhood, trauma somewhere along their life, etc. BPDs fall into this camp, as would people suffering from PTSD or any other mental disorder. This may also be people that need to do family of origin work to get through some of their issues. This group can be quite dangerous because they do not acknowledge the issues that they have and put those issues on you.

The most dangerous thing about being with someone who does not know that they're emotionally unavailable is that you could be in a relationship with them for quite some time, then are rejected for a nonsensical reason, as is the case often with BPDs. Their reality is different from your reality, and you are suddenly rejected.

With those that know that they're emotionally unavailable, they usually will not let you get close to them. They like life, but get bored and need someone to fill their time. Remember, you cannot forge long-term relationships with this group either. They know it, and so should you.

Both groups are dangerous; in my opinion, awareness is critical in either instance. Keep your eyes and ears open for the emotionally unavailable so you're not hurt long-term.

Friday, April 18, 2008


"You're back to yourself," my ex wife said to me, "even your daughter said something to me about how you don't yell anymore."

I yelled? I have no recollection of yelling at my kids. So I asked them, and sure enough, they confirmed that I yelled at them.

This was when I was in the relationship with the BPD. As it turns out, I would yell at my kids quite often. My oldest said, "that's because you were always fighting with her (the BPD)."

"You guys would fight every night, when we went to bed," my daughter chimed in.

Holy crap. I forgot about that. I forgot about how I felt back then. All I wanted was to make peace; that's all I ever wanted.

All we did was fight, day and night. She never was happy with me. I always did something wrong, from taking too long when I went out to accusations of sleeping with someone else. There were so many other accusations that I'm starting to forget them, thank God.

For the most part, I would stand up for myself. Sometimes, I would just ignore them, and other times, I would accept them. What else do you do? You just want the accusations to go away. You try everything in your power to make them go away.

They don't go away. They only get worse in time.

They only get worse. My God, how could they get worse?

She controlled my every move. She knew when I was going anywhere, whether it be leaving work, going to get my kids, going to take lunch, whatever it may be. And that still wasn't enough. She even said to me once when I told her that she knows my every move, "that's impossible, no one knows someone's every move."

She knew my every move. Yet it still wasn't enough.

Now I understand why I was so angry. Having someone controlling your every move and still not being happy will eventually rip you apart. It will rip you into pieces and make you so frustrated. That's how I got - super-frustrated.

My poor kids. The reason why I wanted to be in a relationship after my marriage was to show them what a healthy couple looks like, what a happy couple looks like. Then I meet the BPD and I show them a world of Oz where I spend less time with them than when I was with their mother.

Now, they have me back. They have "Father of The Year" that focuses on the kids, keeps them active and engaged, and plays with them. I'm the Dad that plays with my kids, I don't watch them play.

They learn from me and my example. The relationship with the BPD was not a good example, but it was less than two years. The whole family still hurts, but in time, it will be better.

Time heals all wounds.

Thursday, April 17, 2008


I remember when the relationship with the BPD began, she told me about this song that she loved called Shine, a song that's absolutely beautiful, but is about a relationship ending. Looking back, it was foreshadowing for the relationship itself:

I can see it in your eyes
what I know in my heart is true
that our love it has faded
like the summer run through
and we'll walk down the shoreline
one last time together
feel the wind blow our wanderin' hearts
like a feather
but who knows what's waiting
in the wings of time
dry your eyes
we're gonna go where we can shine

Don't be hiding in sorrow
or clinging to the past
with your beauty so precious
and the season so fast
and hey, no matter how cold the horizon appears
or how far the first night
when I held you near
we're gonna rise from these ashes
like a bird aflame
take my hand
we're gonna go where we can shine
(na na na na na na na na, shine)

And for all that we struggle
for all we pretend
you know, you know, you know it don't come down to nothing
except love in the end
and ours is a road
that is strewn with goodbyes
but as it unfolds
as it all unwinds
remember your soul is the one thing
you can't compromise
step out of the shadow
we're gonna go where we can shine
we're gonna go where we can shine
we're gonna go where we can shine

(and look, and look)
Through the windows of midnight
moonfoam and silver

- David Gray

The funny thing is that I am going to go where I can shine now. Before the relationship with the BPD, something was missing in me. I thought that the BPD was missing, but what was missing is in me. It was that self-acceptance, that contentment, that the BPD sniffed out and hammered me about. I have been in the fire, and I have emerged as steel. No longer 'soft' a solid character with confidence in myself. What a good feeling.

I wrote about this in an early blog, years ago:

Even looking back at that blog, I was so politically correct, so 'not' me. Time changes you, your attitudes and what's important. It's nice to be me again.

This song told me many things about this woman that I chose not to listen:
- She was emotionally unavailable. There are plenty of emotionally unavailable women out there, so I'll post more about this in the future.
- She had a fatalistic attitude and would not see herself in a relationship long-term. In her mind, the relationship was ending before it began
- She has so much self-loathing that she's just foreshadowing.

If I only knew those things in the beginning, I would not have gotten involved. However, like I wrote earlier, the BPD actually helped me learn quite a bit about myself and helped me ultimately work through those issues in an indirect way. I thank her for that. I'm now the man that I want to be (I've written this before also, but I'm really feeling it) and about to step into my place in the world.

The funny thing is that although I would thank the BPD for helping me become this person, I could never have done it with her. She was too insecure and controlling to let me be my true self, exposing my soul to the world.

Everything happens for a reason, and now I'm going to go where I can shine. I hope she gets there someday.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008


I heard a song today that reminded me of my life after I separated with my now ex wife. I remember having so much shame about leaving the marriage that this song typified what I was feeling. I never dealt with that, I just kept moving forward until I met the BPD two years later.

Heaven bent to take my hand
And lead me from the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

Truth be told I tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know

So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden time always reveals

The lonely light of morning
The wound that will not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything that I have held so dear

I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
[these lyrics are found on]
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Heaven bent to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turn their heads embarassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
You'll slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

-- Sarah McLaughlin

I was primed for a relationship with a BPD. I was better than when I felt like this, but only a little better.

The BPD pumped me up, made me feel great when I was going through so much difficulty with the marriage ending. I wanted to build another family and I wanted one fast. Replace what you have and then life is back to normal. She gave me everything that I wanted. Once she had me hooked, she put her misery on me, slowly but surely.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Always Sundays

I still think about you.
I still have nights where I miss what we had.
I still think about the girls and hope they're doing well
I still think about the hound and hope she's still kicking.
I still think about the good things, the blended family, the fun we had.
I still think about my dance partner and being able to dance anywhere with you.
I still think about my ski, bike, and general play partner
I still think about someone who could match my energy
I still think about watching shooting stars together and wishing for a wonderful future
I still think about my amazing lover
I still think about someone who I thought was my lover for the rest of my life, my partner
I still think about the dreams we shared, and the future that we were going to forge together.
I still think about the love that I thought we shared and how I thought it was real
I still think about how hurt I was and how tough it has been
I still think about how poorly you treated me at the end
I still think about the mean things that you said
I still think about how you accused me of all those horrible things that I would not do to my worst enemy
I still think about how you made all the problems mine and would not go back to counselors when you agreed to go back -- three times
I still think about how you made me feel so bad and told me that I was bad every day
I still think about the pain that you put onto me
I still think about the lies
I still think about the private investigator and you making things up to kick me out -- twice
I still think about the constant instability
I still think about not being able to plan anything because I didn't know if I'd still be there
I still think about the turmoil
I still think about the abuse
I still think about your misery.

I now know that you can't hurt me anymore.

I'm getting better.

The Borderline Twist

There's a new dance out there and it goes like this,
Let's all do the Borderline Twist!

Okay, maybe it's not the best dance, but it's something that I just learned about, but I had it happen to me all the time. They call it "The Borderline Twist" and it's something that those afflicted with Borderline Personality Disorder do on a regular basis.

The Borderline Twist Defined
The Borderline Twist occurs when a BPD takes an event and literally changes it. They change history to fit their twisted theories, thoughts and fears. It occurs all the time and is a big problem for the Non in the relationship with the BPD. Why?
- As a Non in a relationship with a BPD, your life is constantly in turmoil as reality is changed in front of your eyes
- Over time, you begin to question your own sanity
- You realize that you can NEVER have a stable relationship with a BPD -- no matter what, history will be changed in front of your eyes so the BPD will think that you are bad.

I had this happen to me quite regularly with the BPD. She would change facts in front of my eyes. Things that I KNOW that I did not say, she would accuse me of saying. Man, it was brutal.

The worst thing is that I always treated her with respect, so when she would accuse me of these things, I would try to work with her on these issues and explain that I would not ever do or say such things. It didn't matter; she BELIEVED that I did those things.

A Different Reality
Those with BPD have a different reality than the rest of the world. The world is a scary place, and it is so scary that their fears rule their life. The only way that BPDs can successfully address these issues is through Dialectic Behavioral Therapy where they actually learn reality and have "safe people" that will tell them reality. Unfortunately, most Borderlines never admit their problems, shift responsibility to others and take no accountability for their actions.

If you are in a relationship with a BPD and see the Borderline Twist occurring regularly, you need to decide if you can live with such behaviors and instability. Those with low self esteem may be able to live with it; those that are confident will only be able to tolerate it for a certain period of time, before they decide to move on.

Friday, April 11, 2008


We can live life in a number of ways. We can live life conservatively where we never take chances, do what others tell us, and are not noticed by anyone.

We can live life dangerously, constantly taking chances, doing what we want and being noticed by most everyone.

We can live life somewhere in between. Taking calculated risks, doing what feels right for us according to our individual needs and desires, and exposing ourselves to those that we choose.

I live life in between. I take risks when necessary, usually calculated but not always. I do what feels right, not what anyone else tells me to do (at this point in my life, no one except God will tell me what to do). I will surround myself with people that I will call 'safe.'

Most of all, I'm living my life with passion. Everything I do will be with passion.
  • My writing and words again have my passion.
  • I parent my children with passion so I can be a role model for them
  • I work with passion (which, by the way, is my writing and words)
  • I express myself, like playing guitar, with passion.
Of course, my relationships also have passion. Whether it's a friendship where I just hang out with someone to a full-fledged romance, passion will flow through them in conversation or physical contact, depending on the situation.

You must live passionately if you want to get the most out of things. The law of attraction says that you get out of things what you put into them, so you will get passion if you give it.

I'll live every day with passion.

Thursday, April 10, 2008


I started seeing the counselor one year ago. Strangely, when I first went to counseling while being in the relationship with the BPD, it was to work with her on the issues that I saw from the beginning. Of course, we got there and the problems were all mine.

We first saw the counselor because she thought that I had Dissociative Identity Disorder -- multiple personalities! She said that I would morph into different "people" -- when we were laying together and I would talk, I would go into a person that was like my father. When playing games and doing something competitive, I would become someone who was ultra-focused and competitive. When dancing, I became a confident, top-of-world kind of guy that was someone else. There were many other personalities that she said that I had. Scared little boy, guy who would go around and bang women and the like.

I realized that she was playing a sick psychological game and wanted it fixed. If she said that I was dissociating, fine. Let's get me analyzed and see what the deal is.

Of course, I wasn't dissociating. I don't have multiple personalities. Just like I'm not an abuser.

The BPD and I first saw Valerie together -- she is an EMDR specialist and Karen felt that it would be good for me to go and have EMDR. She always thought that I had these terrible repressed memories that I couldn't remember from my childhood, and she thought that EMDR would help me.

I said fine. Looking back again, this wasn't me. It was her. But I played along, believing that a professional would sniff out the true situation and would help the BPD. I didn't understand that BPDs are masters at working with counselors so much that counselors usually dismiss them because the BPD will take the counselor around in circles and not address their issues.

In fact, the BPD told me that she went to another counselor who eventually told her that it was time to go. Clearly, she had issues when I met her, yet this counselor dismissed her? She must have also known that my ex had BPD.

One more thing -- I would never EVER "play along." I have neither the time nor the tolerance to play along and not be true to my convictions, and I wouldn't recommend that anyone else ever have this either. Being a "nice guy" gets you nowhere, as I've learned. I'm now a "good guy" but I'll never be a nice guy again...

When I started seeing the counselor by myself, we covered quite a few things. My childhood was focused on, and we did Imago mapping to see what childhood issues I had. We talked about my fear of being alone, particularly when Karen kicked me out the second time . In the sessions, we got to points where I wasn't needing counseling, and I wouldn't see her for a month or so, then we'd go back in. We'd always discuss the BPD a little bit, but then the focus would go back to me.

My exBPD also saw her, as she played the victim of this abuser (me:)) who lived with her and she couldn't get away from. Then I moved out. So she changed that to "I kicked you out." I reminded her multiple times that she told me "I don't want you to go" and I appreciated saying that, but my safety and the safety of my children was at stake. The BPD was devastated, as she told me.

When we were living apart, I started going to counseling regularly, usually because Karen had just broken up with me AGAIN. After we broke up for good, I started going even more regularly -- I wanted to make sure that I healed properly and made myself whole.

I'm not sure what happened, but I finally feel whole as of last night. The holes are gone.

It's all about awareness. I'm aware of the issues that I've had, I've lived through and I've processed all of them. They no longer subconsciously drive me. I no longer need to rescue, caregive and the like. In fact, when I meet someone that needs rescuing, I walk away.

I'm now drawn to people that don't need no stinking rescuing.

Awareness. I'm aware of the issues. I don't have to rescue and put my time into another in an attempt to deflect my inner pain. I have no inner pain. I'm content.

I'm content. What a feeling.

One year of counseling. I wanted to make sure I got here, and I've arrived. The childhood issues are put away. I emerge confident, sure of myself and the person that I always wanted to be.

I'm the man I always wanted to be. God, tears are in my eyes as I write this. I can't believe I can feel like this.

Looking at what happened in the past few years, my life was in turmoil long before the BPD. She was, as the counselor put it, "The Perfect Storm" that brought everything to a climax.

First, I was miserable in my marriage. Absolutely miserable. My ex wife wasn't the person that I should be with, but I persisted. Once I got out of the marriage, I was unsure what I should do. I met women that filled my time, but I had little tolerance for any bullshit. The first relationship that I was in after I separated, I wanted out after 2 weeks. The girl had issues and I had no time for that. I finally got out after about 7 months. There I was, being a nice guy again.

I had a couple of other relationships before I met the BPD, but they clearly weren't going to be the end-all either. I was going through the divorce and not emotionally ready for it. Then I met her.

Second, my career was all over the place. I had veered off of the writing path and had gone into Project Management, probably because that's what my father did. While I liked parts of project management, particularly working with others to make things happen, I didn't love it. It suited me okay, but I'm the kind of person that can do most everything.

I was offered the job heading the fishing company, but the company wasn't going anywhere and I was dealing with HUGE issues with the girlfriend. She drank too much, was too emotionally needy and too controlling (uh oh, sounds like a pattern here), and I wanted out. The Fisherman offered me the job in Delaware, and I jumped at it.

Delaware was such a wonderful experience for me. I proved to myself that I could be on my own and thrive, not survive, but thrive. I love that place and I cherish the memories that I have from there. Managing Editor of a fishing magazine, fishing regularly, going out when I wanted, learning to play guitar, speaking at fishing meetings and conventions...what else would a guy want?

The only problem is that my kids were 3 hours away from me. In the end, I couldn't live so far away from them. It was too hard for both of us. We're too close and I never wanted to be that kind of father. So I had to come back, and I began looking to get a job up north and find a girlfriend up north.

Then I met her. We started dating and the sparks were there, I filled her emotional holes, and she gave me what she thought I need. Things were wonderful. When I was planning to move, she asked me to move in when I moved north, 3 short months after our first date. I thought that it would work because I'd be over her place all the time anyway, so I said yes.

The first position I had when I was up here was okay. It was a Marketing Manager position, a job where I did quite a bit of writing and developed web marketing programs as well. I probably spent half my day dealing with Karen and her issues then recovering emotionally from dealing with her issues, and my work was mediocre. After one year, it was time to go, and I found a company where I could be a web marketing manager.

This is where the Perfect Storm kicked in. I was essentially learning new skills in web marketing, not devoting enough time to it, having a girlfriend that was so far up my ass that she took me to lunch every day, and then getting my kids on 2 nights a week and weekends. I was completely controlled by her fears, and I complied and tried to make them better. The job suffered, and I feel bad about that. That will never happen again. I feel bad about that.

I was a superstar when I was a web marketing manager at this company. They discovered that in addition to my web marketing and management skills, I was a great writer. They loved me and I loved the job and the people that I worked with. Unfortunately, the company was acquired and times were changing quickly. My boss left after I was there for 4 months, and most management had been fired or was on their way out. My co-workers ALL left as well. So I had to go after 6 months.

I actually was hired by an ex-patriot of that company who brought me into a Product Management position. At first, I had too much responsibility, and given everything with the BPD, I just couldn't do it. In time, they scaled back my responsibilities to heading the content development team.

I've realized that my passion remains in writing and that I express myself through this writing (think so? Look at how many posts I've written about this). I finally have realized that my passion falls in writing. I've always done it as Editor and all the fishing columns that I've held through the years, but I finally realized that this is my passion. This is what I will do in the future until my passions change. But this is my passion.

It's nice to feel like this finally. Do something that you love, become the person that you always wanted to be, be the father that you always wanted to be.

This is why I'm done with counseling. I've done the work, and I completed it. As a result, I can make the above statements. I do something that I'm passionate about, I've become the person that I've always wanted to be, and I'm the father that I always wanted to be. I'm content.

The only thing that is missing is being the husband that I always wanted to be. I've realized that this will happen in time, and I'm no longer rushing to find it. The law of attraction is in my favor, and as long as I continue to emanate my positive, uplifting energy, it will come back to me, tenfold.

So, I can now say, I'm content.

What a good feeling.

Monday, April 7, 2008


I have a piece of artwork that reads "I am a pilgrim on the edge of my perception. We are travelers on the edge, always at the edge of our perception."

I bought this piece of artwork a couple of months before I met her. What a telling piece of art, foreshadowing what I was about to live through. She hated -- I mean hated -- that piece of artwork. I found that piece of artwork (and the Believe sign that I got her) in the garbage, out in the garage, anywhere that she didn't have to see it. She thought that was me screwing with her and other females, trying to take advantage of them through changing their perception. Or something like that.

I just thought it was a neat concept and a neat piece of art.

The BPD knows that their perception of the world is different from everyone else's. They know it intimately, and they *try* to make you think that they see things similarly. They slip too many times, though, telling you things like, "I knew that I was into you because if I found that he (the old boyfriend who she has a restraining order against) was living with someone else and I wasn't with you, I would have freaked out."

Really? If I had to have a restraining order against someone because I feared for my *life,* and if the things I say about this person (they were a narcissist, they regularly lied and screwed with me, etc.) were true, I would pray that they were with someone else.

I think normally though. My perception of the world is not so self-centered that I cannot understand the dynamics of a normal, healthy, functional relationship. I understand how things are supposed to work. I may not have had much normalcy, but I'm working on it :).

The BPD only can focus on themselves. After they have split and made their partner the evil one, they are still so controlling that they cannot wish their partner well, as a normal relationship does. They will attempt to destroy the partner, as that person is the reason for their misery. They try to project their misery, their emptiness onto the partner, then destroy them at all costs.

I have heard stories of BPDs, years after a relationship has terminated, accusing their partner of stalking them when they were hundreds of miles away. Many BPDs will file false police reports and ultimately get themselves into trouble.

They need the drama and will do whatever to make drama. She accused me of tampering with her computer network at one point, illegally checking her email, and other things that I can't even remember. One was send her a text message at 3:12 in an attempt to screw with her as her daughter gets off the bus at 3:20 (this was the best one ever - I'd call her at 3 every day because we'd talk at lunch - somehow, 3:00 became the regular time I called. That was, in some way, an attempt to screw with her -- true BPD paranoia). This is months after we had spoken for the last time, and was all done via email and text message.

I wonder what my motivation would be. Just to screw with her? To find out information that I would make me sad?

The BPDs perception is all about them. They do not think how these actions which they accuse the partner would impact the partner if they actually did them. In the end, such senseless accusations are yet another attempt to get attention, primarily from her family, but from anyone else who will provide it.

The thing that makes me the most sad is that while she was thinking all these bad things, I was living life on Cloud 9, thinking that I was truly in love and that life was great. Meanwhile, every day, she was splitting and making me into some evil person that was out to get her, screw with her, cheat on her, and the like. When she talked about her old boyfriend, she never said anything good about him. He was just there to lie to her, screw with her and take advantage of her. Now I'm the same person, and I tried so hard to make every day special, keep things on an even keel.

Unfortunately, the Nons live a life that's an illusion. The BPD is good at making the Non's life blissful until they give the Non their misery in slow doses. We think that this was the life we always wanted (I said that many times), but the BPD has an entirely different perception going on in their head. Looking back, she gave it to me from the beginning, but I was so confident that I would just excuse it.

As a Non, we settle in because we think life is just wonderful, but then things begin to change on a daily basis. At first, the good outweighs the bad, then slowly, the scales tip back. Now we're completely enmeshed and unable to break the chains easily.

Looking back, it was a learning experience. I know what I will -- and will not -- accept out of life. I know that relationships take time to develop and are built on trust -- without it, no (and I mean NO) relationship exists. I will not fall into the traps that I fell into again, I will have healthy boundaries with my partner, and I will not tolerate large levels of dysfunction that negatively impact my children or career. There are other important things in life, like Me.

When looking for a partner, make sure that you have similar perceptions. I know that Men are From Mars and Women are from Venus, but you need to view the world the same way and understand similar experiences. It takes time to develop this understanding of another person; I gave this understanding blindly and assumed that we saw things similarly. Wrong.

Our perception is everything.

Sunday, April 6, 2008


It's nice to feel like I have my mind back. She no longer haunts me. I don't think about her all the time anymore either. I used to spend my time thinking, sometimes saying aloud, "you don't know me," and the statements that I used to say to her every day.

The BPD's reality is a different reality from the normally functioning person. They think differently, all emotion and very little logic. Their logic is based on emotion. The problem is that a partner of a BPD is given this to deal with on a daily basis, and this illogical, emotion-based logic where emotions become facts becomes the non's reality.

Over time, this can do some serious damage to the non. I feel like for the most part, I fought a good fight. I should have NEVER admitted things of myself that I did not believe in an effort to compromise. I thought that it was the right thing to do at the time, but I was not true to myself in an effort to keep stability in the relationship. Big problem, I now realize.

I have my normal emotions, feelings and attitude toward life back. I no longer possess the BPDs baggage, fears and emotions, like she so adeptly gave to me. My reality is back, and it's real nice to have it back.

Life's back on track. The interesting thing is that I have no idea where things are taking me. That's okay. I no longer fear the things that I did six or four months ago. I don't really think that I fear much at all now. The holes that I needed to fill are filled, and ones that I thought needed to be filled are no longer holes. They went away.

Particularly the hole with regards to sex.

When you're with a BPD, your sexual needs are met, and then some. Suddenly, your sexual needs change so that they're more than they've ever been because of the BPDs use of sex. They use it to hook you in and keep you hooked. You fear leaving the BPD and never having sex like that again.

With time, you learn that the sex while frequent and without boundaries, isn't that good where it can't be replaced. After all, these people do have few boundaries, but they're human. I've written this before, but there are sections in bookstores that are devoted to sex, and you can't tell me that only BPDs and their partners are reading these books and having good sex. There are adult stores, and I don't think that only BPDs and their partners (which would be 4 percent of the population) are patronizing these stores.

I've also realized that the constant battle, then make love, is also quite dysfunctional. There needs to be time to heal the wound and reconnect in a healthy way. You cannot have such extremes in a relationship.

I now believe that the sex with a healthy person can (and will;-) be so much better than sex with a BPD. While there will be healthy, flexible boundaries, I've always believed that two loving, caring partners will connect and go to a higher emotional and spiritual level. This level cannot be attained with a BPD, or if you can attain it with a BPD, it's only temporary. Healthy relationships maintain this level and actually build on this level, going to new levels as the relationship develops.

It takes time. Healthy partners, however, will appreciate this level and want to reconnect regularly so they can get back to this level.

When in a dysfunctional relationship, the sex may have been good, possibly better than any other relationship. Having good sex is a prerequisite to any good relationship. You cannot accept mediocrity, even in the sexual area.

My emotional well-being is on an even keel again. Nice to feel like I'm driving my own ship, I'm in charge, and things are back to stable. Life is good.

Saturday, April 5, 2008


I've got an angel
She doesn't wear any wings
She wears a heart that could melt my own
She wears a smile that could make me want to sing

She gives me presents
With her presence alone
She gives me everything I could wish for
She gives me kisses on the lips just for coming home

She can make angels
I've seen it with my own eyes
You've got to be careful when you've got good love
Cause them angels will just keep on multiplying

You're so busy changing the world
Just one smile and you could change all of mine
We share the same soul

--Jack Johnson

Friday, April 4, 2008

What A Difference

What a difference four months makes. I was reading my journal entries from four months ago. I was so scared, so hurt, so afraid, so insecure.

I think the medication had a huge impact on me and depressed me. I think it was a major reason for the way I felt, because even a month ago, I felt so sad. To suddenly have the medication regulated and to feel so different is amazing, in a few short weeks.

I just can't believe that was me. That was never me. I never act like that. Ever.


The world's back to good. It continues to be an amazing place, and it's about to get even more amazing. I have such great opportunities ahead of me.

I'm still clearing out the Oz Garbage from my head, but it's no where near as bad as it was. I'm actually tired of talking about it and I'm even more tired of thinking about it. Healing is a process, but you have to do the work to get it out.

I've done that work, and then some. Now just give it time. Be patient, boy.

Actually, it's now be patient with yourself. The scared boy has been put to bed for good.

Look back fondly on youth, but being an adult is much more stable and secure.

"And the riders will not stop us
Cuz the only love they'll find is paradise...
Future love paradise"
-- Seal

Thursday, April 3, 2008

What You Thought You Need

What You Thought You Need

I can't give you everything you want
But I could give you what you thought you need.
A map to keep beneath your seat, you've been to me in time I'll get you there.
I fold it up so we don't find our way back soon, nobody knows we're here.

We can park the van and walk to town
Find the cheapest bottle of wine that we could find
And talk about the road behind how getting lost is not a waste of time.

The water moor will take us home in the moment we will sing as the forest sleeps.

Well it's all for the sake of arriving with you
Well it's all .. for the sake of arriving with you

Well, I will make the table into a bed
The candle is burning down its time to rest.
I can't take back things already gone, but I could give you promises for keeps.

And I would only take them back if they become your own and you give them to me .

And it's all for the sake of arriving with you.
Well it's all for the sake of arriving with you.

We could make this into anything
We could make this into more than words we speak.
This could make us into anything
It could make us grow and become what we'll be.

How and we really know
It's just like it feels.

-- Jack Johnson

....days are getting brighter and brighter...

Tuesday, April 1, 2008


Change (Tracy Chapman)

If you knew that you would die today
Saw the face of god and love
Would you change?
Would you change?

If you knew that love can break your heart
When you're down so low that you cannot fall
Would you change?
Would you change?

How bad, how good, does it need to get?
How many losses? how much regret?
What chain reaction would cause an effect?
Makes you turn around
Makes you try to explain
Makes you forgive and forget,
Makes you change
Makes you change

If you knew that you would be alone
Knowing right, being wrong,
Would you change?
Would you change?

If you knew that you would find a truth
That would bring a pain that can't be soothed
Would you change?
Would you change?

How bad, how good, does it need to get?
How many losses? how much regret?
What chain reaction would cause an effect?
Makes you turn around
Makes you try to explain
Makes you forgive and forget,
Makes you change
Makes you change

Are you so up right
You can't be bent
If it comes to blows
Are you so sure you won't be crawling
If not for the good why why risk falling
Why risk falling?

If everything you think you know
Makes your life unbearable
Would you change?
Would you change?

If you'd broken every rule and vow
And hard times come to bring you down
Would you change?
Would you change?

If you knew that you would die today,
If you saw the face of God and loved
Would you change?
Would you change?

If you saw the face of God and loved
If you saw the face of God and loved
Would you change?
Would you change?

- Tracy Chapman

It's a long road. You always have to be true to yourself. Don't accept the unacceptable and being told that you're bad. Ever.

Always be true to yourself.


Bright new beginnings are on the horizon. The memories are becoming good, and the sky just got much more beautiful. The world is getting bigger, and opportunities are blossoming. How nice a feeling -- things are coming together.

Everything happens for a reason -- the lower you sink, the higher you can rise. You don't ever want to let yourself sink to those low places, so you learn how to keep yourself clear of them so they never happen again. I'll never let myself feel that way again. Ever.

Goes back to my new rules -- Never accept being treated badly. Ever.

It's a new me -- a better me. A smarter me. More sensitive? No, but that's okay.

I'm still me, just me, but there are bright skies on the horizon. Time to do it. Go for it.