Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Old Posts

A number of old posts from a journal that I found. Will keep here so I have them in one central location. Look at the level of frustration that I had when I was in the relationship. You forget about that when you've distanced yourself...

May 3

So, today is the beginning of the first day of the rest of my life. After my most recent rocky relationship, I've learned the following about me:
- I need to steer clear of unstable people. I saw it in her eyes but didn't accept it. I thought she would change and her instability would go away over time
- I need to work on the anger. I think that I have, but I guess there are things that just set me off, particularly when I'm being under attack.
- I can't internalize things. After you're told that you're a bad person for so long, you begin feeling like you're a bad person.
- I have a lot of guilt about not seeing my uncle David before he died.

- I'm exhibiting some signs of depression.
- I feel like a failure.

We can hide things in a number of ways - by being so damn busy, we can quickly hide the signs that we may exhibit. I have tried, but I think that my past couple of years are really catching up to me.

I just feel inadequate. I can't even afford my own place because of alimony -- how is that fair? I'm working for some woman that treated me like crap?

I need to ride my bike this weekend. Get lost in the woods for a while. Just go and figure out life.

The saddest thing -- I wish she would come with me. I tried to show her the important things in life, but she never saw them.

I need to heal. Fix all those things that I've buried inside and make them all right. Be okay with me. I don't want to fall back into the old patterns that I've suffered from -- want to be the best that I can once again. I want to give my kids - and myself - the best that I can in life, and I'm going to do that.

The world just got big again. Movin' on up...

May 11

How things change in eight short days. We put it back together, then it fell apart again, then it's back together. What a ride...

I just want it to be consistent and stable. The worst thing is that she tells me that I'm not consistent or stable. Really? Aren't I the guy that doesn't go out with his friends anymore? Aren't I the guy who goes to work every day and comes home? Aren't I the guy that spends my time with the kids, putting everything that I've got into them? sounds pretty consistent to me...

The temper tantrums have to stop. Have to stop telling me that I'm doing bad things when I'm not. have to appreciate me for the person that I am and appreciate what I do for her and her family. No more of this "you're doing these things to me because they're bad." That's no good, period.

I have many bridges to cross and many hurdles to leap. Some of which I shouldn't have to leap, but that's life. Bottom line--don't waste my time. If this is a waste of my time, let me move on, there's a bright new world out there.

May 17

The push-pull push-pull has to stop. She thinks that I'm the source of her instability while she tells me stories about how her parents still treat her like a child, oppressing her. She tells me that I'm oppressive but cannot give me any concrete examples. She tells me that I lie to her but I don't and then tries to pin me down in scenarios. Constant testing. Continual frustration. Turmoil at every turn. Who wants to live their life like this?

What's in this for me? I have no security and am not treated well. I care for her children but she calls mine "mental patients." I am at the point where I get nothing from this relationship, and she cannot give me what I need. A stable partner. Someone who cares and can accept unconditionally. How can you accept unconditionally when you are so scared of what could happen? It's not possible. I hate to say this to myself or to others, but it's time to move on. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. I will not be blamed for the issues that she has and the instability that she lives in.

My career is at hand. My emotional well-being is in the balance. She could "lose her mind" at any turn, at any juncture, when I least expect it, and end everything in a heartbeat. Yet I endure for the hope that she will see the light.

Will she ever see what's happened here? Will she ever see the truth in these situations and understand? Maybe, but probably not. Over the past year, her issues have gotten more acute, and she has blamed me.

Take everything day by day. Don't plan out anything too far in the future, because you cannot be sure that she will be in it. What a shame. Do I want to live my life worried like this? Do I want to think like this? Do I want to document occurences every day so I can put them back on her just to show her how she has acted? I shouldn't have to do that.

I need to finish the book. I need to get a number of projects off the ground. Need to get back into shape. Need to play more guitar. Need me time. Not "make you feel better" time.

I hope things could change and that there could be a new set of rules. It's not going to happen soon.

Tough Day

It's Michael's birthday, and God I'm having a tough day. I'm missing you today. I'm really missing you.

The strange thing is all that I want to do is call you. Yesterday, I was so tempted to send you a text message or email saying something like "2 years -- hope you're doing well. I'm not" or something like that. I was so close to calling you, emailing you, texting you, doing whatever to reach out to you. The funny thing is that I have so many distractions in my life now, so many people that just want me, that love me and my essence, my whole, but I'm still stuck on you.

I talk to you all the time. I don't even talk to myself. I'm constantly talking to you. Wonder if your ears are burning when I'm talking to you.

I just can't reach out to you anymore, yet, whatever. You pushed me out of your life. You said to me that you didn't want me anymore. How can I try to get back in, then tell you "you have to go and get treated. You have to go get medicated. You have to go to Dialectical Behavior Therapy."

Doesn't work that way. I'd have to suck up all the things you do, all the things you did, all of your rage and anger, I'd have to take it then wait for your next rage or overreaction to something. I'd be called names that I'll never be called again, I'd be treated terribly for things I didn't do wrong, and when I did things wrong, I'd be crucified. I can't live that life. That's not my plight anymore.

That's no way to live a life. I could never stand for those things anymore. It's just a shame, because I always believed.

I always believed. I still have the believe sign and I'll never get rid of it. I think that in the end, I got that for myself, not you. What a shame.

Why did you send the mail to me via registered mail? Did you want to make sure that I would open it? Why did you include old ski coupons that aren't valid anymore? Was that to screw with me? Why did you mail me a christmas card? Why do you treat someone that you were so intimate with like an outlaw? We should always have a special bond, Karen, even if we're not together.

I hope we can talk one day. Maybe, someday, I'll show you all that I wrote to you. God woman, you broke my fucking heart. The book says never to start a relationship with someone who has a personality disorder, and this is why. I should have known.

Goodbye again sweetheart. I miss what we had. God I miss it. I don't miss your rage, paranoia, and personality disorder. You'll always have a piece of my heart, and I'll always love you.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Two Years

Today would have been it. It would have been two years since our first date. Two frigging years.

It sucks because I really thought we were meant for each other. You even used to admit how wacky you were. Then slowly, surely, it was all turned on me and it became my problem.

It was a slow, sure, gradual process. You could make the problems mine. So much so that you would actually make up stories and things to make me bad. Now that's a sickness.

I know that I did my share and played my part. I grew tired and scared of your constant rage. I did anything that I could to keep things on an even keel. Not good of me, looking back. I know why I did it though.

God woman, we were so close, so affectionate, so sexual, so good together on those levels. Why did you have to be so fucking crazy besides this? Why couldn't you just open up and let go?

Right before I moved out, we talked about speaking from your heart. You had such a difficult time saying to me "I don't want you to go." Why? I always spoke to you from my heart...I think that's what you can't understand.

I always spoke from my heart. Always do.

My heart always poured out to you too.

You need someone who makes it all about you. It's funny because in counseling, I discovered that I didn't only pick up my Dad's sword, I also picked up my Grandfather's. When my Grandma would have her bouts of depression, he would have to tell her what to do, where to go, etc. That's what I did with you. I had to tell you what was right and wrong.

I picked up the swords from my childhood. God what heavy weights.

All I can do now is recognize that I carried these swords. I don't want them anymore. You've really screwed my head up, but every day, I get a little better. Life comes back to normal. I have my moments, but overall, life is good.

Tomorrow's Michael's birthday. I get to go and have dinner with him, Kathy and the kids, something I never could have done. Not because of me being bad, but because of your fucking insecurities. I lived a life based on your insecurities, anxiety, jealousy and paranoia.

Two years of great sex. Two years of affection. Two years of that bullshit.

The problem is that we developed our own way of talking together. I was talking to Chris yesterday and used words and mannerisms that we developed. At first I thought it was with him, but it was with you. That makes me so sad Karen. So fucking sad.

That's what I miss. I miss the good parts of the world that we created. It was our own secret world.

The problem is that our world didn't play well with the rest of the world. We couldn't integrate things socially, professionally, or even from a family perspective. That's where things broke down.

Two years.

Starting tomorrow, things have to change for me. I need to stop thinking so much about you. I need to move on in my thoughts, goals & aspirations and really start living life again. I've mourned you and the relationship that I cherished. God I cherished it.

Happy anniversary sweetheart. I'll always love you and you'll always have a piece of my heart. Unfortunately, I need to put that away now. I'm sorry I wasn't able to climb beyond your issues and keep us together. Everything happens for a reason.


Monday, January 21, 2008

Still Doesn't Feel Right

Life's getting better overall. I'm dating -- lightly -- and keeping things on a very light level. Going out for a drink, maybe dinner, but overall, nice times with others. I've met a bunch of quality people that really bring a lot to the table.

It's still strange though. You still haunt me. The guilt that you put onto me for God knows what. The shame of it is that I took it. I was reading through some old emails today and there were times that you busted my balls because my cell phone rang when we were talking and I was at work -- somehow, that was something against you. Jesus woman, everything was against you.

They call that paranoia.

Unfortunately, you're long gone and I'm the one trying to keep myself together emotionally. No crazy nights with strange women. No sex with -- anyone at all. Yet you thought that I'd be out there, banging anything that moves. Too bad that all that I wanted was you.

I know that I'll meet someone that meets my needs. I know that person will do it for me, and I'll find the person who just fits. I know it. I thought you were it.

Looking back, I never would have picked you with the way you act. You're the person that I run from. Yet I was so pulled into you, and pulled in so quickly, it was amazing. I still don't understand how you could EVER, I mean EVER feel that I would...oh never mind. I'm so fucking tired of writing these things.

Sorry, you were crazy. Crazy as a J-Bird.

Yet I still miss you. I miss what we had. I miss the passion, the love, the affection, the way that we could be together. God I miss it. I know I'm not going to replace that, maybe not ever. That sucks.

I got the package that you sent last week. I wanted to mail you some things back, including a goodbye letter, then a friend of mine kept me from doing it. I wanted to call you, but someone kept me from doing it. I wanted to send you an email telling you how I was feeling, but someone kept me from doing it. I went and saw Henry last week and he asked me if I wanted you back. He told me that he would have you come into his office for treatment and that I should email you.

I told him that you weren't my responsibility anymore. If you choose not to get treated, then you choose not to be treated. It's not my problem. How bittersweet a feeling.

I hope you're doing well. I hope you've been able to realize what happened and not make up some crazy story like I abused you. The counselors told me in November 2006 that if I remained in the relationship that it was an abusive one, and you were the abuser. Don't try to take that and play the victim -- ain't gonna fly, except with your family that enables you and your sickness.

Not sure if I should ever reach out to you. I guess I'll have to see in time. Not now, though, no matter how much I want to reach out to you.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Take It Down

Take It Down

Take everything that we have
Take it and burn it to the ground
Some things were never meant to last

Take it down down down, take it down
Take it down down down, take it down

I'm still married to it all
That ain't no place to hang around
My love is 50 feet tall

Take it down down down, take it down.
Take it down down down, take it down.

And I've grown accustomed to the way
You hurled us into space
I'll never make that trip
Tears are resting on my face
I'm just an empty place
Where your love used to fit.

South Carolina where are you?
We were once lost, now we're found
The war is over, battles through

So take it down down down, take it down.
Take it down down down, take it down.
Take it down down down, take it down.
Take it down down down, take it down.

- John Hiatt

*If you could only have known the real me. If your frigging mind would have let you know me -- you would have never let me go. My heart poured out to you -- at my expense.

Monday, January 14, 2008

those damn sundays

Not sure why it hit me hard again on Sunday, but it did. You've been out of my life for months now, but it still hurts, god it hurts, sometimes.

I still think about what we had and I held it so precious. I knew that it was special, and I treated it appropriately. I cherished it all. God I wish you weren't so damn insecure, jealous, nontrusting...so damn crazy.

I guess it's a double-edged sword -- I thought the love that we had was so pure, so innocent, so much love. Unfortunately, looking back, I don't think you thought that. I think that your mind was always in bad places, thinking that I was there just to screw with your head. Sorry you had such outrageous thoughts. I never screwed with you, sweetheart.

If you could have kept it together and not thought all those nutty thoughts, we'd still be together. How could I have made you feel better? Unfortunately, I don't think that I could. You're not there. You would never be there with me. It sucks, but it's true. My mind is not where yours is; you tried to bring me into that world, but I wouldn't, couldn't and shouldn't ever do it.

You found excuses to push me away, over and over again. Something's just not right, you used to say. You're right, your head just was not right. I was in bliss, so content with everything. You never admitted anything either. Put it on me, this way you have no problems. Put it on me. Damn it.

The shame of the matter was that my heart poured out to you. I knew how you felt, you knew it, but you made it bad. How could you make that bad? I still don't get it. Oh well.

I almost mailed my goodbye letter to you. I was going to burn a song on a cd and send it to you. unfortunately, i think that it would fall on deaf ears.

it's for the better, ultimately making my life better. i deserve better than your turmoil. I would have done it though.

Friday, January 11, 2008

It Still Hurts

Life's really getting better. I stopped smoking altogether, I have no stress in my life, and I'm making bunches of fabulous friends all over the place. The job is doing fantastic, and life is looking up on all fronts.

I still miss you though. God I miss you and what we had. I miss that security and the warmth that you provided me.

When I was in your arms, life was great, and nothing could be better. The only problem was outside those arms, you made me into the monster in your mind. I wish that monster wasn't there -- I'd still be in those arms.

Tonight, I fantasized that one day, my doorbell would ring and it would be you. You'd come in and we'd go and lay together. You'd probably just sleep, and I'd caress your face and hair like I used to. I thought about you scratching my head and us assuming the position, or rolling out and following the other. God, we were the absolute best when it came to sleeping together. The Olympic Sleeping Gold Medalists we were.

I also thought about when you came over on Columbus Day and I played the "Tell Her This" song. I remember crying, just losing control of my emotions, when you said "I just love you, Den." It was like old times, just me and you, Cecil and Selma, being us. It was a perfect few hours that we spent together.

Then I thought about the weekend in November that we spent together, and us looking into each others' eyes and talking to one another, all through the eyes. You said "I love you Den."

That weekend, you also thanked me for sticking it out and being so patient with you. You recognized everything and knew the efforts that I went.

Then it all changed. In an instant when i went to work the next day.

Accusations of screwing with you began. It never stopped. We had one more time together, more magic, until the end when you lost it. In between, there were fights and more fights.

God, I wish we could have kept it together. The good times were so fucking good. Yet, you couldn't accept them as real. I just wish you could have let life be and not try to control me in every aspect of my life. I'm a big, independent boy that was dedicated to you. You never could accept that. You could never accept me.

You could never accept me. God it hurts saying that.

Now I have to move on, and it's such a pain in the ass. All I wanted you. Now I have to go find the perfect relationship. I'm not stopping until I find it. I'm not accepting mediocrity now.

You had it. You threw it away. I still cry about you -- probably three times a week. Not three times a day anymore.