Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Old Posts

A number of old posts from a journal that I found. Will keep here so I have them in one central location. Look at the level of frustration that I had when I was in the relationship. You forget about that when you've distanced yourself...

May 3

So, today is the beginning of the first day of the rest of my life. After my most recent rocky relationship, I've learned the following about me:
- I need to steer clear of unstable people. I saw it in her eyes but didn't accept it. I thought she would change and her instability would go away over time
- I need to work on the anger. I think that I have, but I guess there are things that just set me off, particularly when I'm being under attack.
- I can't internalize things. After you're told that you're a bad person for so long, you begin feeling like you're a bad person.
- I have a lot of guilt about not seeing my uncle David before he died.

- I'm exhibiting some signs of depression.
- I feel like a failure.

We can hide things in a number of ways - by being so damn busy, we can quickly hide the signs that we may exhibit. I have tried, but I think that my past couple of years are really catching up to me.

I just feel inadequate. I can't even afford my own place because of alimony -- how is that fair? I'm working for some woman that treated me like crap?

I need to ride my bike this weekend. Get lost in the woods for a while. Just go and figure out life.

The saddest thing -- I wish she would come with me. I tried to show her the important things in life, but she never saw them.

I need to heal. Fix all those things that I've buried inside and make them all right. Be okay with me. I don't want to fall back into the old patterns that I've suffered from -- want to be the best that I can once again. I want to give my kids - and myself - the best that I can in life, and I'm going to do that.

The world just got big again. Movin' on up...

May 11

How things change in eight short days. We put it back together, then it fell apart again, then it's back together. What a ride...

I just want it to be consistent and stable. The worst thing is that she tells me that I'm not consistent or stable. Really? Aren't I the guy that doesn't go out with his friends anymore? Aren't I the guy who goes to work every day and comes home? Aren't I the guy that spends my time with the kids, putting everything that I've got into them? sounds pretty consistent to me...

The temper tantrums have to stop. Have to stop telling me that I'm doing bad things when I'm not. have to appreciate me for the person that I am and appreciate what I do for her and her family. No more of this "you're doing these things to me because they're bad." That's no good, period.

I have many bridges to cross and many hurdles to leap. Some of which I shouldn't have to leap, but that's life. Bottom line--don't waste my time. If this is a waste of my time, let me move on, there's a bright new world out there.

May 17

The push-pull push-pull has to stop. She thinks that I'm the source of her instability while she tells me stories about how her parents still treat her like a child, oppressing her. She tells me that I'm oppressive but cannot give me any concrete examples. She tells me that I lie to her but I don't and then tries to pin me down in scenarios. Constant testing. Continual frustration. Turmoil at every turn. Who wants to live their life like this?

What's in this for me? I have no security and am not treated well. I care for her children but she calls mine "mental patients." I am at the point where I get nothing from this relationship, and she cannot give me what I need. A stable partner. Someone who cares and can accept unconditionally. How can you accept unconditionally when you are so scared of what could happen? It's not possible. I hate to say this to myself or to others, but it's time to move on. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. I will not be blamed for the issues that she has and the instability that she lives in.

My career is at hand. My emotional well-being is in the balance. She could "lose her mind" at any turn, at any juncture, when I least expect it, and end everything in a heartbeat. Yet I endure for the hope that she will see the light.

Will she ever see what's happened here? Will she ever see the truth in these situations and understand? Maybe, but probably not. Over the past year, her issues have gotten more acute, and she has blamed me.

Take everything day by day. Don't plan out anything too far in the future, because you cannot be sure that she will be in it. What a shame. Do I want to live my life worried like this? Do I want to think like this? Do I want to document occurences every day so I can put them back on her just to show her how she has acted? I shouldn't have to do that.

I need to finish the book. I need to get a number of projects off the ground. Need to get back into shape. Need to play more guitar. Need me time. Not "make you feel better" time.

I hope things could change and that there could be a new set of rules. It's not going to happen soon.

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