Monday, January 21, 2008

Still Doesn't Feel Right

Life's getting better overall. I'm dating -- lightly -- and keeping things on a very light level. Going out for a drink, maybe dinner, but overall, nice times with others. I've met a bunch of quality people that really bring a lot to the table.

It's still strange though. You still haunt me. The guilt that you put onto me for God knows what. The shame of it is that I took it. I was reading through some old emails today and there were times that you busted my balls because my cell phone rang when we were talking and I was at work -- somehow, that was something against you. Jesus woman, everything was against you.

They call that paranoia.

Unfortunately, you're long gone and I'm the one trying to keep myself together emotionally. No crazy nights with strange women. No sex with -- anyone at all. Yet you thought that I'd be out there, banging anything that moves. Too bad that all that I wanted was you.

I know that I'll meet someone that meets my needs. I know that person will do it for me, and I'll find the person who just fits. I know it. I thought you were it.

Looking back, I never would have picked you with the way you act. You're the person that I run from. Yet I was so pulled into you, and pulled in so quickly, it was amazing. I still don't understand how you could EVER, I mean EVER feel that I would...oh never mind. I'm so fucking tired of writing these things.

Sorry, you were crazy. Crazy as a J-Bird.

Yet I still miss you. I miss what we had. I miss the passion, the love, the affection, the way that we could be together. God I miss it. I know I'm not going to replace that, maybe not ever. That sucks.

I got the package that you sent last week. I wanted to mail you some things back, including a goodbye letter, then a friend of mine kept me from doing it. I wanted to call you, but someone kept me from doing it. I wanted to send you an email telling you how I was feeling, but someone kept me from doing it. I went and saw Henry last week and he asked me if I wanted you back. He told me that he would have you come into his office for treatment and that I should email you.

I told him that you weren't my responsibility anymore. If you choose not to get treated, then you choose not to be treated. It's not my problem. How bittersweet a feeling.

I hope you're doing well. I hope you've been able to realize what happened and not make up some crazy story like I abused you. The counselors told me in November 2006 that if I remained in the relationship that it was an abusive one, and you were the abuser. Don't try to take that and play the victim -- ain't gonna fly, except with your family that enables you and your sickness.

Not sure if I should ever reach out to you. I guess I'll have to see in time. Not now, though, no matter how much I want to reach out to you.

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