Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Tough Day

It's Michael's birthday, and God I'm having a tough day. I'm missing you today. I'm really missing you.

The strange thing is all that I want to do is call you. Yesterday, I was so tempted to send you a text message or email saying something like "2 years -- hope you're doing well. I'm not" or something like that. I was so close to calling you, emailing you, texting you, doing whatever to reach out to you. The funny thing is that I have so many distractions in my life now, so many people that just want me, that love me and my essence, my whole, but I'm still stuck on you.

I talk to you all the time. I don't even talk to myself. I'm constantly talking to you. Wonder if your ears are burning when I'm talking to you.

I just can't reach out to you anymore, yet, whatever. You pushed me out of your life. You said to me that you didn't want me anymore. How can I try to get back in, then tell you "you have to go and get treated. You have to go get medicated. You have to go to Dialectical Behavior Therapy."

Doesn't work that way. I'd have to suck up all the things you do, all the things you did, all of your rage and anger, I'd have to take it then wait for your next rage or overreaction to something. I'd be called names that I'll never be called again, I'd be treated terribly for things I didn't do wrong, and when I did things wrong, I'd be crucified. I can't live that life. That's not my plight anymore.

That's no way to live a life. I could never stand for those things anymore. It's just a shame, because I always believed.

I always believed. I still have the believe sign and I'll never get rid of it. I think that in the end, I got that for myself, not you. What a shame.

Why did you send the mail to me via registered mail? Did you want to make sure that I would open it? Why did you include old ski coupons that aren't valid anymore? Was that to screw with me? Why did you mail me a christmas card? Why do you treat someone that you were so intimate with like an outlaw? We should always have a special bond, Karen, even if we're not together.

I hope we can talk one day. Maybe, someday, I'll show you all that I wrote to you. God woman, you broke my fucking heart. The book says never to start a relationship with someone who has a personality disorder, and this is why. I should have known.

Goodbye again sweetheart. I miss what we had. God I miss it. I don't miss your rage, paranoia, and personality disorder. You'll always have a piece of my heart, and I'll always love you.

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