Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Saw The Borderline Again: Life Goes On

You know it's going to happen, and it just happened a week ago. My oldest son and I were playing golf together, right by the BPD's house and we saw her. She was playing golf too, with a guy (I'm going to assume that it's her current boyfriend).

You Can Recover from a BPD Relationship

It amazes you, because the longer you're out of a relationship with a BPD, the more you heal. If I had seen her two years ago, it would have been difficult to not get upset about the whole thing. A year ago, it still would have shook me, at least a little bit. Now, I say to my son, "is that her? Wow."

It's clear that my life is so different now. I look back at myself and see how much I've grown, wondering how I was able to put up with someone that had BPD. Clearly, we change and our tolerance changes. Poor Jennie has to deal with a more callous person -- hopefully, I'm still warm enough and loving enough that I fulfill her needs.

As time progresses, the borderline goes from the love of your life, the one that you wanted to spend every waking moment with, to one that you can't believe how much you put into. You almost get embarrassed that you were with this person and can't believe that you spent so much time on anyone, let alone someone that treated you so poorly.

That's what it's like when you get yourself back again. It's a very nice feeling.

Not a Normal Relationship

When I saw the borderline, I commented to my son (who's 15), "you know, if this was a normal relationship and we saw one another, we would have walked up to each other said hello, I would have introduced myself to her new boyfriend and would have told her about Jennie and--"

"It's not a normal, it was totally wacky," my son interrupted.

He's right, the relationship was completely nonsensical, it was not a normal relationship. This is not someone who thinks normally at all. It's a shame, but there can never be a friendship after the relationship has ended. She has made me into the enemy, someone who is evil and did terrible things to her.

Posting on BPD Relationship Recovery

I'm s-l-o-w-l-y moving the site and functionality to bpdrelationshiprecovery.com, a site that contains all the functionality here and more. On the site, I'm working on developing forums so readers can have conversations (strangely, people continue to communicate by commenting on this site :-)) and can help one another out.

The Us project is continuing to develop. If you'd like to continue communicating with others that are recovering from BPD, simply go to bpdrelationshiprecovery.com, register for the site and start contributing to the forums. You can send one another messages there and there are private forums for you, depending on where you are in your journey on the road to BPD relationship recovery.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

BPD No Contact: Important for Recovery

So, you've gotten out of a relationship with a borderline, yet you're still talking with the person.

How's it going?

Not so good, I bet. If the person is a true borderline, and you're having a true BPD relationship, there is no way that you can continue contact and stay "friends." Borderline relationships just aren't like that. They're too intense, too hot or cold; they really can't be tepid and continue along as a friendship.

Why You Can't Have a Friendship With A Borderline After Breakup

There are many reasons why you can't have a friendship with a borderline after a breakup:

  • BPDs are black and white thinkers -- Either you're their hero or you're a villain in the mind of a borderline. If you're a villain, BPDs will make you into someone so bad in their mind that they will convince themselves that you've done something wrong to them. They'll make it so bad that smear campaigns will ensue, or they will take out restraining orders against you.
  • The relationship will never be stable -- Borderlines love drama, and the relationship will have to continue to be unstable for them to want to be in it. My relationship with the BPD had daily fireworks where she would create issues and drama for me to deal with, stabilizing the relationship every day. I had a vested interest in the relationship as she was my partner, my living mate, my lover. Friendships that are this unstable would never survive.
  • More pain will be involved in the relationship -- BPDs are insanely jealous, spiteful and not people that you want to be around when they are unhappy. Do you think that your newfound BPD ex will be pleased when you announce that you have a new lover? I don't think so. Yet, they'll want to share all gory details of their new relationship. Believe me, the relationship will be uneven, unstable, and unacceptable long term.
I haven't seen my ex BPD girlfriend for nearly three years. We sent messages to one another a couple months out of the relationship, but it quickly flowered into insanity that could not be controlled. Without me physically in her life, her thoughts were so far out there that she was suddenly telling me that she felt like I was threatening her and the like; two months later on Fathers Day, I got a phone call from the police asking me if I was breaking onto her computer and putting my picture on her photo galleries.

No contact is critical for recovery. If you have children, set firm boundaries that the borderline can't break, then don't ever break them yourself. Borderlines make you do things that you would never do. You can't be that person as they will make you pay for those mistakes then play the victim. You will have quite a difficult time rebuilding anyone's trust if you are the one breaking boundaries or the law.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Relationship Recovery Step 4: Start a Me Project

Are you ready to start a project like the one that I've done here? I'm going to show you how. It's pretty easy -- sign up to become a member on this site, then go ahead and create a blog of your own.

I'm moving The Me Project to http://www.bpdrelationshiprecovery.com/ -- a fully functional site that has quite a lot of functionality, including the ability for users to post in forums and create their own websites. People can create their own Me Projects.

That's right -- this site allows you to have your own Me Project. You can blog as much or as little as you want, and you can work with others in the community to help you recover. The blog also has private forums where you can anonymously post.

What is a Me Project?

For those of you that are just discovering the BPD Relationship Recovery site or the Me Project, it's a project where you focus on yourself. You start looking at yourself and your own needs. Too often, those of us that get enmeshed in a BPD relationship are in an unhealthy relationship where it becomes all about our partner.

It's time to work on ourselves.

If you're like me, I had difficulty doing this -- I thought that my happiness came from making others happy. I didn't focus on myself enough and my needs. Before starting this journey, I didn't spend enough time looking out for myself, and as such, I was not happy because my needs were never met.

When I started the Me Project, I put my foot down and demanded that I spend time on myself, working on myself, and making me the person that I always wanted.

It's your turn, if you're ready.

Go to http://www.bpdrelationshiprecovery.com/, register to be a user, start your own website and let the journey begin. It can be as much of a journey as you want. You can make it in to it's own full-fledged life where you express yourself, your feelings and your adventures, or you can just write a little bit when you feel it. The choice is yours.

In the upcoming posts, those that are engaged in the Me Project will get different exercises. Some of these will be exploratory, others will be tried and true exercises in rebuilding yourself.

Stay tuned. The Me Project just took on a whole new dimension. Go to http://www.bpdrelationshiprecovery.com/ and start taking the next step and head into the new world of BPD Relationship Recovery -- your own Me Project.