Thursday, January 7, 2010

Restraining Orders and BPDs

Some use them like candy. They get restraining orders on their partners regularly because of their black and white thinking. Many of the more advanced borderline personality disordered will have a number of restraining orders on others and themselves.


Why Restraining Orders?
Borderlines have such black and white thinking that you are either good or bad in their minds -- you are either evil and out to do them wrong, or you are their savior. Ironically, these thoughts about a single person could almost co-exist inside a person.

Once the BPD splits and views you as all bad in the moment, they will do everything that they can to get you out of their life. Remember that borderline personality is a chronic feeling of emptiness, so getting you out of their life also becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy.

One time, I asked the BPD that I was involved with, "what happens if I actually leave when you have one of these episodes?"

She responded with, "I always thought that's what I deserve, to be alone."

You can't have a normal, fully functional relationship with someone who thinks that they deserve to be alone. Given a borderline's instability and their self-loathing, this could come out in a number of harmful ways.

A true borderline continually plays the victim role. They have to be the victim of someone, something, constantly. As the partner of a borderline, they will be the victim of you.

Protect Yourself
If you are (or were) in a relationship with a borderline, you need to be aware of the restraining order trap and steer clear of it. The problem with a borderline relationship is that things can get so bad so quickly, and you don't know when it is going to happen, that you can find yourself in a terrible situation with very little notice.

Watch for the following warning signs when dealing with a borderline:
  • Threatening to contact the police: Many times these are false claims that are again trying to play the victim. However, they could be real, and I'd recommend staying away from anyone who wants to call the police. I know, you can usually calm them down. It's not your job, and you need to maintain your self dignity. Leave any situation where the borderline is threatening to call the police.
  • Physical violence: When an extreme fight breaks out, the borderline may hit, kick or scratch at you. At this point, your body's fight or flight responses take over as adrenaline rushes through your veins. DO NOT FIGHT. WALK AWAY. I can't stress this enough. Even if the borderline hit you square in the face, once you throw a punch, you may be defending yourself to the police or a judge. Walk away. You don't want to be with someone who is physically violent with you.
  • Beginning to play the victim role, of you: Follow me here. Once the borderline starts to become the victim of you and your actions, your world will be turmoil. I'm taking a leap here as I personally stayed involved with the borderline as she tried to be the victim of me over and over again, but maybe you'll be smarter than me. Believe me, in the long run, it's better. You don't want to be with someone that views you so poorly, even if they also idealize you. In the end, they don't treat you well, and you can find someone that treats you better.
What To Do If Someone Has Filed A Restraining Order Against You
First, get an attorney to defend you. Get the best attorney that you can afford as they will provide you with sound legal advice. I'm not an attorney and don't play one on TV, so I don't want to overstep my advice here.

Defend yourself to the fullest extent that you can. Be sure to have no contact with the borderline if at all possible. If children are involved, of course, you'll need to work through this.

You don't want to be with someone who is threatening to call the police on you, filing restraining orders, being physically violent or treating you like you're a terrible person that's out to victimize them. You can find people that will treat you well -- I promise.

If you feel you must stay in a relationship with someone who treats you so poorly, be sure to have boundaries before things ever escalate. Know when and what will make you walk away from a particular situation, and try to stick to those boundaries.

6 comments:

  1. I didn't have any restraining order issue's with my ex but he would use weird words like "all of my exes stalked me." He used the word "stalk" frequently describing "all" of his ex girlfriends. He supposedly was "stalked" by several women.

    One night though when he was laying delusional blame on me I did finally get mad and told him to get out because he has been doing this since I met him. I was standing four feet away but he said "dude, you're violent." I never touched him but he was exaggerating my behavior to make me look like the "violent" one. I thought I was going crazy for a long time.

    My ex was "afraid" of the police though because he had been in so much trouble with drugs, dui's and fighting. So he wasn't readily willing to file any reports but he did use "big words" to describe each and every one of his exes and how he was the "victim" in every single relationship. I have not had any contact with him but he probably tells people that I "stalk" him too.

    I have never seen anything like these relationships. It's just better for all involved to go away, even if it means spending some time alone. The love/devaluation is not worth the pain and confusion it causes one's psyche.

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  2. Oh my gosh, I had a falling out with my ex boss and ex friend and she was an abusive bully with a lot of the characteristics of someone with BPD. She would either love me or hate me. In the end I stood up for myself and she basically threatened with calling the police on me and a restraining order. I knew as soon as she threatened me I need to just stay away and if she ever contacted me again- which I don't think will happen- I will not respond. This whole experience has left me shattered and reeling. The sad thing is I really cared for her and we joked around one time that I would help take care of her when she was old- and I would have just done anything for her. No one wins in these situations. These kinds of people need help which I think most of the time they never get. The sad and scary thing is that she is very manipulative and is really good at turning people against one another.

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  3. My mom has bpd and its terrible , shes always at her boyfriends who we used to live with and he had anger issues and my mom always yelled at him when he left the house to chore . she thought he was leaving her alone so she would go in her room and sit and wait for him to come home so she could yell. they broke up and now are back together for about the tenth time . she has to find every excuse possible to make me move out but i was told if i leave she will feel abandoned . also, if i say the slightest thing about my day or anything it always has something to do with her and she claims all these different things that apparetnly i said when i clearly said nothing even close to what her imagination manages. shes always screaming . i havent had a normal conversation with her in a long time . she always needs to be right , and if someone tries to say something otherwise they get spat on pretty much
    im 16 years and shes driving me crazy im depressed from the way shes treating me .
    am i going to be borderline too ? i heard its genetic if i ever turned out like that i wouldnt be able to live with myself its a terrible way to live . shes a terrible person and i have started to absolutely hate on her even though i do love her but my hate gets stronger every day and i dont know what to do i have a therapist who comes often but right now we are working on me rather then my mom since my mom refused . im so frustrated with her behaviour im beyond angry . i could wack her acros the head with a pan . honestly . i would never do that though also shes so unpredictable , my conclusion of her is everything i do makes her temporarily happy , very very very temporarily . she texts me mean things insulting me and making me feel bad i want to make it imposible for her to text me .
    i also know that as soon as i graduate high school im gone and im not comming back and ive actually considered probably needing to get a restraining order against her , shes so abusive its not even funny im a 16 year old and im proud of myself for coping because i am not the smartest and spend at least an hour or two on homework and manage an 85 average but dealing with her is hell.

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  4. My post was before yours and I think you are a very mature, grounded 16 year old and just keep getting an education- finish high school and go to college. You are a winner! Don't let anyone tell you otherwise! Get out of the house. Don't let your Mom bring you down. It is h**** dealing with these people- I know from my ex boss. I am still reeling but the key is no matter how angry and frustrated and hurting you are do not let them destroy you. I keep telling myself that I can get through what happened to me and so can you!

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  5. i did receive a restraining order from my bpd. she had been playing this game where she would push me away and then want me to come back and be closer to her. this game happened when i lived with her until it escalated to an incident where she wanted me to actually move out of her house and into an apartment. looking back, i think she really wanted me to get down on my knees and beg her for mercy and to let me stay with her. instead, i packed up and left. several days later, a deputy came to my new residence with a restraining order. my bpd must have given an oscar winning performance to get that thing. she then sent me a provocative e-mail in an attempt to get me to break the order. what she didn't know was that i had moved in with family to help my very sick brother who just died 2 months ago. whether she found out about my brother, i don't know. i do know that she could not have really loved me given that she handled me leaving her this way. however, i am still confused and getting over all the losses. i dealt with my brother's death first and then a short time later i began to have these unresolved feeling come up. mostly, these feeling are just regrets and hurt that stems from the coldness and lack of empathy on her part. i do have thoughts about how i wish things would have turned out. if she didn't have bpd ,maybe we could remained in contact and resolved some of our relationship problems. then again, if she didn't have bpd, her demands that i move out would have never happened. the court appearances have been settled and the judge would not uphold her restraining order that she falsely and vindictively obtained. she said i court that she was 'afraid for her life'. what a painful joke-what a demeaning thing to say about me. now i see she was saying this stuff because of her own bpd behavior and she was showing her true colors. i wonder what else she lied about to me? i guess i'll never know. i must have really something to her for her to go to such extremes to hurt me.

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  6. Hi, its good to see there,s others in the same situation, although in my situation she was not my wife/Girlfriend but step daughter- who out of the blue had me arrested on 2 felony robbery charges, restraining orders, claiming that I robbed her house and another house next to her. 3 years prior to the arrest I could see that she was trying to set me up for something so when she would come over to the house I would leave or go into the garage and work on something .........she is very pretty,cunning and manipulative........I hired a lawyer and had gotten 4 survalance videos of me in my town 70 miles away from her house at the time of the robbery, plus I was with her mother all that day except for a one hour period of time.......but , being mentally I'll or rather bpd, she had a answer for everything and contacted the da everyday to make sure I was convicted-her boyfriend who I liked up until my arrest showed no sign of a backbone in standing up to her as it was his apt That was robbed. Along story short and $150.000 later she's out of our lives, although not with out much damage, mentally, emotionally and financially.........note, I have no criminal record nor have I ever hit another woman and I,am 55......if you find yourself facing a restraining order from a woman, just give up ! There is no way a judge will actually seek justice, they will just seek to watch there own behind. Thanks for letting me vent.

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