Thursday, January 28, 2010

PTSD After A BPD Relationship

I've been out of the relationship with the borderline for nearly 2-1/2 years. Most bad memories are going away. They're mostly gone, but I need to admit that I still carry big scars from the relationship.

I definitely have suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder after the BPD relationship. She scarred me badly.

All the accusations that she made about me took something out of me.

Everything that she said about me, ways that she acted, things that she said, hurt bad.

Past Life Amplified
My ex wife hurt me bad too. I'm not trying to whine here, but she said, usually during her drinking binges, things like, "the only reason that I'm with you is because I don't have to work." Ouch. Probably the one that hurt the most was, "I don't want you tonight, I want him."

Those things scar you. Now, I'm nearly ten years out of that life, but that one was pretty frigging traumatic. I got out of that one. I just had to. It was way too dysfunctional.

Now that I'm thinking about it, the relationship with the borderline was similar to my ex wife's but it was just amplified. She said things blatantly, while my ex wife had to be drunk to make such accusations. Either way, they both said things that were way hurtful, way mean, way too much for one to say to another lover.

In future posts, look for a formal definition of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, how it happens, what the repercussions are, etc. For now, suffice it to say that you need to be aware of it, what it can do, and how it can affect you. If you were in a full blown borderline relationship, you probably have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Next, we'll look on how to heal from it. We will recover from the BPD relationship.

14 comments:

  1. I used to wonder why I was so different, felt different, and started to think differently while I was with (and after) my relationship with my bpd boyfriend. I couldn't get his weird accusations, belittling or devaluing comments out of my head. I shut down and stopped talking to people for months. I cried and cried. I didn't understand how someone can make you feel such love, and then say and do the meanest things. Then they say you're responsible for it. I've been out for about 9 months and it's just STARTING to get better. I realized I probably had some PTSD. It is truly an awful illness for everyone involved and it's so unstable that you become like it. You start waiting for the other shoe to drop while yearning for the love that they also show. Then you start believing what they say about you and questioning every move you make. It's really just sad and anyone around bpd or who loves someone with bpd will probably need some a lot of time and possible therapy to work through it all. I was so devalued for no reason that it leaves some weird scars.

    ReplyDelete
  2. i was married to one for 3 years, i had kids with her and the damage she did to me and the kids is just outrageous, how can one just leave their kids like she did and do some of the things she did to me. She left a year ago and I still have all the memories that she left me with and i dont know how to fix them.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hi, my name is Crystal. I know this is a bit different than the couple of stories I have read because I have Borderline Personality Disorder. It is really an eye opener to see how harmful we (those with BPD) can be in a relationship. I am 21 y/o and I have been dating the most wonderful man for four and a half months.

    I have tried to create a healthy relationship, but lately I have been falling into a destructive cycle. A.K.A. I nitpick every little thing he says and then get hurt or upset. I don't mean to and I don't know how to stop.

    Every couple of weeks or so I break down. Saying things like "I can't do this" and "I'm not ready for a relationship." Because I don't want to go down that painful path again.

    He being the patient, steady, and happy person he naturally is able to calm me down. But I feel as if I get hurt now almost every time I see him.

    The truth is I scared of myself, and how I will affect him. I don't want him to be sad because of me.

    I know how selfish and rude I can be, and I don't want him to be hurt.

    After reading several sites about BPD relationships, I broke up with him this morning. I am not sure if this is the mature decision or if it is made out of selfishness and fear.

    I need help to become more stable before I can become a whole healthy half of a relationship.

    I'm so terribly sad because we are both hurting now and I am not sure what to do to fix myself.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm late but I think I am also suffering from PTSD. I was with my BPD gf for two years before I realized that I didn't trust her emotionally, and even though I wanted to be there for her, everything she said (love me or hate me) boiled down to her BPD and I had no idea what was genuine between us.

    I ended it by cutting off all contact, and I'm beginning to think I'm suffering from PTSD, symptoms of which began to manifest way before we broke up. The most obvious side effect is that I have developed some SERIOUS fears.

    I've always had a mild fear of the dark, but over the last few months it has escalated to the point where I can't walk through my own house, where I've lived for years, without turning on all of the lights. I have to sleep with a lamp on, where before the glow from the streetlights was enough. If I don't have enough light, I have a serious panic attack.

    I have also developed a fear of being alone, which is crazy because I am an only child and also work as a nanny, which requires me to be home alone with the baby. I feel a fear that is tangible and causes me to constantly look over my shoulder while I'm at work and take the baby with me everywhere. I am also beginning to suspect that I'm having auditory hallucinations, because I hear noises all the time and nothing is ever there. This causes me to feel panicky in silence.

    I feel terror now about going to new places, as well. Before this relationship, I used to LOVE going to new places alone. I went to New Orleans alone, flew to Indiana alone when I was only 12, even went to Las Vegas alone at 17.

    Now I am planning a solo trip to Vegas for New Years and I feel paralyzed by fear thinking about it. When I went home to DC for Thanksgiving, I felt scared somebody was going to try and rape or rob me, even though it's my hometown and I have never been hurt there in my life.

    I basically feel like she destroyed my trust, to the point where I am afraid... of EVERYTHING. Could this be PTSD? I don't know what to do.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I've been told that I changed after I married my husband. I used to be adventurous. I want me back. I get so upset when I think about it. I feel robbed. I just want to feel safe, but then safe bores the hell out of me. I shun adventures because I don't trust myself not to get myself in another painful situation. The pain is incredible. Knowing I'm not alone helps me realize it's not my fault, although I know only I have the power to help myself recover.

    ReplyDelete
  6. My bestfriend said to me after the split from my BPD gf, that in the 6yrs that we were together she watched me disappear. She was right, I ended up putting so much of myself into that relationship, that I ceased to exist. Now that we have been split for six weeks and she is sleeping with the neighbor (10 days after we split), I feel like a member of the walking dead. I am but a shell of who I used to be. I feel shell shocked. It's hard to believe that one person can degrade you to the point where you are suffering from PTSD. Will I ever recover?

    ReplyDelete
  7. The strongest of us NonBPDs that think we are not affected by the BPDs throws are misguided I think. I went through this myself and detached while still with the BPD then SPLIT once I felt I could be cold enough to walk away. Everything fell into place as planned however the ripple effect of what she did to my personality and persona are still carried today 6 months later and I was only with this person for a year....

    ReplyDelete
  8. I split from my BPD husband after ten years. It's been a couple of years now and I've dated a bit but now whenever things start to move in a serious direction I panic. I'm so afraid that I haven't changed enough to keep from disappearing again. How do I know if I'm repeating a relationship pattern or not. With my ex, things were so great at first. Now when I'm dating someone and things are going well, I can't help thinking I'm only at the top of the slide. It's hard to trust that I will protect my sense of self this time around.

    ReplyDelete
  9. It has only been a week since me and my bpd partner broke up, and we were only together for 6 months, but I feel in a state of trauma and shock. I am terrified during the night, waking up in cold sweats, hearing noises (that I can't even trust) and even running into my flatmates room becasue I was scared I heard an intruder. I am having horrible graphic and quite violent dreams/images at night that wake me up suddenly, and i am always looking in the street or on my way home in the dark imagining someone around the corner. My ex was never violent, just verbally abusive, and I don't actually think he wants to harm me, or have anything to do with me right now,but I feel so shaken by the whole experience, questioning everything that was ever done or said, wondering if anything was real or the way i saw it at the time, I think it is this complete disorientation that has left me traumatised. Of course it will pass. But I wonder what the scars are and how to cope with this at the moment. Does anyone have any words of advice? I am finding it very dificult to have others understand, even close friends, as it is such a surreal experience..

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. welcome to the elite group of survivors,the hard part comes with a simple statement "let it go" but that will come with time, after we live with such persons we forgot about ourselves, and we must find ourselves again, get in touch with friends and family (the people that usually know who we are) is a great first step, i can admit some scars will remain, but we must take thoses as lessons, so in the future we could see the red flags if they appear... get self educated about this disorder will help also, they key after a break up knowing the fact that you were with a BPD individual is NO CONTACT ever, they may cry, beg or just pretend this time it's about you, but trust me, is not...its always about them and what they need from you, your feelings wont matter once so ever, dont hate them, they are sick people, and if we falled for them once or twice was because they can be very charming, but that's the way this disorder works... the bad part is that most of them wont never look for help and the sad one is that those who actually does have very few realistic chances of healing because of many factors, like they need support groups of their relatives for example, and most of them dont have a strong family ties to hold on to...the point is...u can't fix them, its a shame, but its the brutal truth... now i know its sucks cause we all had the best intemptions with them and wanted to give them everything, but hei... shit happens, u are alive, with some scars yes, but still alive, out there are still good decent people who can love you for whom you are and they will treat you with respect, stay strong, take your time, stay focused on your health, on what you want, on what makes you happy and eventually success will come to you, it took about 2 and half years for me to realize that life goes on after living 3 years with a bpd woman... and i forgave myself (that was the harder part for me) for letting another person to walk all over me they way she did, forgiving her was way more easy... but trust me life goes on, im a stronger man now... and all those fears will disappear from your head once you start to find yourself again... im not a religious freak but i know god exist since she showed me the devil...stay strong. peace.

      Delete
  10. I have never been very religious or believed in evil, but I found myself at the age of 44 saying to myself that I thought I had actually been touched by something evil. I couldn't find any other way to describe the relationship with my partner. The deceitfullness and splitting left me a shell. I felt badly thinking that way about her because she meant everything to me, but I couldn't find any other way to describe it. And being a woman myself I felt that I should understand and I didn't. It has been 3 yrs since that 6 yr relationship and I am just realizing now that I still continue to chase that high you get from the adoration that comes from a BPD. It is an addiction I'm just now beginning to understand.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I happen to be the mother-in-law of a BPD. His accusations have scarred me, and my daughter has dumped all family and friends. I'm depressed, and feel unjustly vilified. I'm worried about my daughter and their son. And I feel that there is nothing I can do.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I've been away from a BDP relationship now for three years. I started dating a guy about 4 months ago and he seems great. We see each other 1 or 2 times a week, because that's what I want. After ending the BDP relationship, my home is my safe place; alone is my safe space. I prefer being home and alone to most things.

    Recently I spent a 3 day weekend with four people, including myself. It was fun but I needed a couple of days alone to regroup. I realize now that I get anxious when I have to spend a lot of time with people. I never used to be like that. I've always valued my alone time, but now I have to talk myself into hanging out with people.

    I don't understand this. I have many friends I feel safe with, and yet nothing feels as safe as home alone.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I admire what you have done here. I like the part where you say you are doing this to give back but I would assume by all the comments that this is working for you as well.
    Treatment 

    ReplyDelete

Please tell me your story and how it relates to Borderline Personality Disorder. I appreciate any and all comments that you leave on this blog, and as long as they do not contain inappropriate language or are not on-topic, will publish them. Please note that I cannot respond to blogs as this is an anonymous blog. However, I will publish all appropropriate comments.