Monday, November 30, 2009

Do Borderlines Appear Normal?

I recently received an email asking if the BPD that I dated appeared normal. Did she seem like a person that had a good head on her shoulders? Did she seem like someone that I would be interested in and attracted to? Without a doubt, the answer is yes.

Most borderlines are quite attractive, very charming and personable. They are usually quite perceptive and sharp -- to a fault. These people are smart and have figured out how to get what they want in life.

When you enter into a relationship with a borderline, it seems like life is perfect. Everything you've always wanted in a person is there, and then some. It's the person that you've always wanted, that soul mate, that person that you've dreamed about.

Not Reality
This is where things get dicey. What's happened is that we Nons have lost a bit of our perception. We want that Dream Partner soooooo bad that we fool ourselves into thinking that we have found her. Our Dulcinea Syndrome kicks in, and the borderline is smart enough to chameleon into that dream girl as best they can.

However, beneath the surface, borderlines clearly demonstrate that they have issues. You can tell because you'll be in some type of a normal exchange when SNAP -- the borderline will change into someone that you don't know. For more information on this, read more about the Vengance Switch.

I knew that there were issues with the BPD because I always wanted to go to a deeper level with my partner. A level of higher understanding, a level of ultimate trust and respect, a level where few couples can go. The BPD fell far short of this level, but I tried to build the relationship so it could reach that level.

The problem is that every day, the BPD would regress, and she would have issues. Every day, we would sit and discuss them. This validated her identity, looking back, as every day, I reaffirmed my love for her and told her how I would not leave her.

The fighting, the accusations, the dirtiness marred the relationship, and every day, I felt like we were rebuilding.

Unfortunately, borderlines do not understand how normal humans interact as their reality is so different from others. So they live in a world of distorted reality, and they are the center of this world. All events, happenings and the like impact them and their reality. They have difficulty having empathy as they cannot feel for others; their own fears consume them. Their world is a constant state of being victimized by other people, by institutions, by the world. The victim is never responsible, never accountable, and always hurting.

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

While the Borderline appears normal, their life's story will be marred by constant drama, events where others have hurt them, victimized them, and the like. Basically, go through the DSM's criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder and you'll hear stories around these main criteria:
- A number of relationships where they ended in the police coming, someone getting arrested, trials, etc.
- Relationships where the BPD kicked the other partner out a number of time.
- Relationship where there was abuse, usually physical but definitely verbal
- Wild sexual adventures -- the kind that you've never heard anyone doing before
- A usually shaky relationship with the BPD's family, although they may initially paint it as solid (depending on what you told the BPD was important to you)
- Few, if any friends

The BPD may initially paint their life as being wonderful, but when you dig beneath the surface, you may find someone who is all alone. You may actually feel bad for the person. I did.

The best thing to do when starting any relationship is to give it time. Give everything time. If you see a partner trying to rush into anything, there is probably a reason, and this should be a warning flag.

BPDs in particular will try to hook you with their charm, sexuality and the like, then lay their misery on you. Don't forget -- it's never too late to leave the relationship.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

The Firehouse: BPD Drama At Its Best

The firehouse was the best example of BPD drama and the way that borderlines view their lives as a movie. To fully understand the borderline and her boyfriend Bob, read the past few posts, then read Saint Patrick's Day as well as the More About Bob posts.

Before I start, let me say that this is the Borderline's story, so I cannot validate the story's validity. I later found from Bob that they both had restraining orders against them and that she was convicted on charges of making terroristic threats.

The Borderline said that she was done with the relationship and going to break up with him. When they went to their normal bar to spend the night together, she told him and he asked her to take a ride with him. Of course, she obliged.

When they took a ride, he took her to a local fire house. He worked as a fire fighter in this local town and the town had multiple houses through the small city. This one was pretty far out.

She said that at this point, she said that she wanted to go home, and he retorted, "you're not going anywhere," grabbing her arm and pulling her into the firehouse.

Inside the firehouse, they went to the top floor. Arguing and eventually fighting, she said that he grabbed her and was going to throw her out the window. She screamed for help out the window to people leaving the local gym, but no one would come. He beat on her, and she could do nothing.

They had been drinking on the third floor, and she smashed a beer bottle off, threatening to cut him with the beer bottle. He then pushed her down the stairs, and she rolled down all of the stairs, he came after her, spraying her with a fire extinguisher.

Somehow, she got out of his clutch and got out of the building. She ran to a local police station. He gave chase and caught her outside the police station, right around a lot full of parked police cars. At this point, she appeased him, saying that she wanted to be back with him, and began to kiss him. He calmed down, kissing her back and beginning to fondle her.

She then hit him and took off, screaming for help. There were police officers outside the building who paid attention to her, heard her and came to her. They brought her inside, her blouse torn to shreds.

Bob came walking up, an officer of the town who worked for the fire department and on the planning board, trying to explain.

After hours of questioning, she was let go and Bob was arrested. He was convicted and forced to go through anger management counseling on her request.

"She [the judge] threw the f*^#ing book at me," Bob told me in our brief conversation on Saint Patrick's Day. He said that when they met, she beat him up and that he was merely defending himself. He also said that she was convicted on charges of making terroristic threats. At one point, the BPD actually had made terroristic threats at me, saying when I moved into my apartment, "if anyone else has been here, I'll make you wish that they never were," or something threatening like that.

The firehouse drama continued up until the trial, according to the BPD. Before the trial, friends of Bob were threatening her, "if you press charges, you'll wish that you never did." They testified about how the BPD performed sexual acts with Bob in public, at bars and in other strange places.

As I write this, I'm disgusted that I was with a woman that lacked any integrity. These are perfect examples of her true character and my Dulcinea Syndrome.

She told me that when they drove to the trial, she and her father saw Bob, and Bob yelled to her, "I love you."

Drama, Drama, Drama.

I'm not sure how much of this story is real, what is true and what is conjured up. Clearly, this was BPD drama in its true glory, and the perfect ending to a BPD story of drama. The movie ends the way a movie is supposed to end.

When I saw Bob and talked with him, his attorney was going to contact her and request that she lift the restraining order against him, as he was then about to be Captain of the Fire Squad. Not sure if it every happened, but the cycle continued.

I wonder if more drama came of the whole situation. Only time will tell.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

BPD and Thanksgiving: Holiday Drama

The BPD was quite interesting around the holidays. Her parents, who lived a couple of states away, would come up for this holiday and would stay with her sister.

However, my family has had a tradition that is now about 20 years old. My parents have Thanksgiving dinner every year at their house. My kids have never missed a year, and none of us miss this tradition.

Thanksgiving is the time of year where we get together, celebrate good times and enjoy one another. We have a close family that enjoys one another's company, so there is no dysfunction at family meals.

The Borderline's family was different. The BPD's mother is an alcoholic, drinking at least a bottle of wine a night, so the dysfunction runs rampant. Her father never had a real career, working as a sales representative for multiple companies and selling groceries, air conditioners and other products. No wonder there were so many problems, looking back.

Anyway, in 2006, we were together, and I told her about Thanksgiving, which she was happy to attend. Given that her parents were in town, we would have dessert at her sister's house so we could see her family -- the win-win for all involved.

Her parents weren't very happy. They wanted us to be there for the entire time. When she told them otherwise, it caused major issues.

When we got there, her mother was drunk and made a scene. At least we know where the BPD learned about drama.

I tried to keep things light, but it was a train wreck. The kids had a good time, which is what matters.

The following year was right before we broke up. We actually saw Valerie the last time right after Thanksgiving, but we didn't spend Thanksgiving together. This is when The Showdown occurred and we discussed who was borderline -- more total BPD Drama. I had thought we were going to be back together in the near future, but the relationship imploded within two weeks, not to be put back together.

The BPD learned about drama from her family, and it was clearly displayed by her mother. They couldn't respect the fact that my family was having Thanksgiving and that we would split our attendance so both would be happy. It was an all-or-nothing proposition in their mind, win-lose.

The drama never stopped. Every turn had to be conflict. Drama proves their worth, and this is yet another example of this.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

BPD Drama: Something About Mary

Borderlines love the drama. They live on it. It defines them.

While the borderline loves any kind of drama, their favorite drama is the drama of attraction.

We all like to feel like others are attracted to us. It makes us feel special. It makes us feel like we are wanted.

However, with the normal person, we know that this attraction will not go any further. With someone that lacks boundaries (like a Borderline), this attraction can go much further. Most will let it go all the way.

Someone who loathes themselves like a borderline loves this attraction. Their sexuality is the most primal part of this attraction and proves to them I'm worthy of love and attention.

Something About Mary

Before I met the BPD, she had lived in a small city, but moved after her neighborhood shunned her and pretty much shut her out. She told me what it was like when she lived in this town. This may be hard to follow, but it's even harder for me to remember. Follow along here:

- She was cheating on her husband with Bob. Having a full blown affair
- Her husband knew something was wrong. He was freaking out and quite upset
- A local bartender was hitting on her, telling her how hot she was
- The owner of another local bar thought she was beautiful and hitting on her
- While having an affair with Bob, she slept with Brian, Bob's best friend, one night while walking home from a bar. Twice
- Eddie, Bob's partner in the Liquor store that they owned, used to tell the BPD about how Bob (who was still married) treated his wife and what was happening at Bob's house
- By the way, Eddie regularly propositioned the BPD and said that he would take care of her
- Eventually she had a threesome with Bob and the local bartender. But she said that she couldn't do it

Whew. I'm tired from all of this. I think that's how it went down. It all ended with The Firehouse incident, which I'll cover in a future installment (real soon -- I forgot about this). Talk about drama.

As you can see, the Borderline lives for this attraction. I fell into her trap of the victim. Some have called the BPD a vulnerable seductress. Now you can see why.

Borderline partners must be given firm boundaries, or they will violate all boundaries. The Non partner can quickly suffer from major self-esteem issues, as mentioned in previous entries. If you are the Non in a BPD relationship, keep your eyes open, and make sure that you set these firm boundaries. Your self-worth is at stake.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

BPD Drama: Movie Stars

Borderlines love drama. They subconsciously love it. They define themselves and their self worth by the drama that is spinning around them. If their world is in turmoil, they're subconsciously happy.

Drama proves to the BPD that they are important, that they matter to the world. The BPD proves to themselves that they matter by testing their partners, setting boundaries and seeing how big the boundaries are that their partner will break.

What works best for the BPD is when the partner actually breaks the boundaries. This allows them to be victims, something that the BPD loves.

The Borderline that I was with used to tell me about Bob, her old boyfriend, and the boundaries that he broke:
- After they had broken up, he came back to her with a bouquet of roses, begging for her to take him back.
- He used to break into her house to see her, going through a window when he wanted to get into the house
- She would tell him that she was calling the police and not to come over. He would tell her what the phone number for the police was and would say that he's on his way over, coming over.
- He actually kicked down a door in her garage to get into her house.

I must disclaim that these are accusations that the BPD made about Bob. Whether they are real or not, I'm not sure. My conversation with Bob indicated a whole different story. Read more about the Bob story in these two entries: Saint Patrick's Day and More About Bob.

She used to tell me that Bob was a narcissist, a liar, someone who had huge rage issues and childhood issues. Looking back, I know that she was talking about herself.

Borderlines by nature are quite narcissistic (narcissism by definition is excessive love or admiration of one's self) as they have to mask their incredible self-loathing underneath. Someone who has this loathing finds that they are valuable through the drama. It's like they are in a movie, so the drama proves who they are.

The Borderline's world was this movie. Unfortunately, with me, I didn't want the movie. I would calm her world, every day, and push the movie out. When I traveled, the movie would come back and she had to hire private investigators. The borderline wanted the movie so bad that she conjured events that didn't happen.

After I moved out of living with the borderline, her movie started once again. She would rage on me. One time where I wasn't proud of my actions (I called her about 20 times in an hours time when she wouldn't answer the phone), she told me, "if you come over, I'm calling the police."

That was the line that I couldn't cross. We saw each other once after that, and she came over. I never went near her house after that.

The BPD lives on this drama. They want their life to be an exciting movie. In the next installment, read the drama that the BPD really likes: Sexual Drama.

Friday, November 20, 2009

BPD Cheating

It happens time and time again. One BPD relationship after another that I hear about has the same thread -- she cheated on me, told me about it, was sorry, so I forgave her.

The story doesn't end at that. Usually, the BPD cheats on the Non partner again. What does the Non partner do again? Forgives the person.

The pattern usually repeats itself, over and over again, as long as the Non partner will let it. It's typical with many BPD relationships for a number of reasons:
- The BPD has no boundaries so they will let others into their intimate world
- Most BPDs loathe themselves and cannot respect themselves; as such, they cannot respect others
- BPDs have a childlike outlook on life. They will take advantage of another as much as the other will allow.

Set Firm Boundaries

If you're in a relationship with someone that has BPD or you suspect has BPD, set firm boundaries. Tell them that if they cheat, the relationship will be over. Period. Stick to these boundaries.

With my ex BPD girlfriend, I told her, in no uncertain terms, that if she cheated, we were done. No questions asked. One time, early in the relationship, she was feeling quite anxious. I remember her saying to me in an accusatory tone, "y'know, if you cheat, I can cheat too."

I spun around and looked straight at her, right in her eyes: "What did you say?"

She knew that I meant business and had no tolerance for such talk. "Uh, uh, y'know, if you did cheat, I could cheat too."

My response was direct and to the point. "I'm not cheating and don't have any plans to. All I want is you."

She got it, right away. It didn't matter, because as we know, Borderline Personality Disorder is right on the border of neurosis and psychosis; as such, they can slip into either quite easily. She regularly thought that I was cheating on her, then would start to punish me as such.

I'm not sure if she ever really did cheat on me, but it doesn't matter at this point. The damage done would have been to herself, not me.

Your Self Worth Is At Stake

The typical borderline relationship is quite unbalanced. When the borderline is cheating on their partner, the relationship gets even more out of balance. If you are the Non who is being cheated on, you can't stay in a relationship and feel good about yourself. You will eventually feel worthless.

If your BPD partner is cheating on you, they are taking advantage of you. There are people out there that will treat you with respect and with decency, and they won't cheat on you.

Bottom line: Accepting such behavior from your partner is not normal. People divorce -- regularly -- over similar behaviors. Don't take it. Once you're out of the relationship, figure out why you are accepting such behaviors. Go to counseling if you need to, and stop repeating the patterns. This is abuse, which is something you shouldn't accept.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

My Love For The BPD

When I was with the BPD and times were tough, I remember saying to my Mom, "...and I really like this woman."

"C'mon, I wasn't born yesterday," my mother retorted. "I know that your feelings for her are a lot more than that."

Yeah, I didn't really like her. I loved her. That was probably the toughest thing. I loved her, and I hadn't loved like that since before I got married, probably ever.

Puppy Love
For those that have never loved a BPD, it's like puppy love. It's the love that you have with someone when you're in High School, that love that is so pure and so raw and so uneducated and so emotional.

The love with a Borderline is just this rawness that has no boundaries. It's like a drug that you want more and more and more of it. It's an amazing love like no other that becomes something that you thrive for -- you just want to immerse yourself with this drug.

I truly loved the BPD, with all of my heart. I cared for her daughters like they were my own kids. I took care of her dogs, and worked on her house. I gave the relationship my entire heart, soul and being, initially without boundary. I worked hard to make our times together special, and would often push out anger and resentment so we could continue to have special times and experiences. Until the very end of the relationship.

The Addiction
The Borderline can get their lovers to become addicted to them by giving this love then taking it away at times when they feel vulnerable, creating constant instability in the relationship. The relationship is going fine, and when something happens inside a borderline (often called the Vengence Switch), the borderline snaps and takes away their raw unfiltered love, replacing it with anger and rage like no other. The Non just wants to get the raw unfiltered love back, so they do what they need to get it back. They eventually get it back and the addictive cycle begins again.

Over time, the BPD will slip into more and more abusive behaviors, and the Non will slip into more and more desperate attempts to get the love back. The BPD kicked me out of her house -- twice -- yet I still went back both times. At the end of the relationship, she was threatening to call the police.

Draw The Line
In any healthy relationship, it's important to have healthy boundaries. One must decide what they will and will not take. With the borderline, I decided that when the police got involved, I was getting out of the relationship as quickly as possible. I have a family and a career and a positive reputation that I need to uphold.

Six months after the BPD and I last spoke, she actually did call the police on me (on Fathers Day nonetheless), accusing me of breaking into her computer system. At this point, we had completely cut off contact, so such accusations were just silly.

Unhealthy Giving

Looking back, I gave too much of myself. I gave so much of myself that the relationship was codependent. I ended up putting my well-being into the hands of someone who was mentally ill.

Mentally ill or not, I am the one who chooses my responses to situations. Whether I will be happy, sad, joyful or mad is my choice, and I will not let another person's mood, attitude or illness dictate how I will react and respond to the world's stimuli.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Medication and the BPD

The BPD was interesting when it came to prescription drugs and medication -- very interesting. She was, of course, obsessed about her weight. Totally obsessed. She worked out every day for about 2 hours. She ran like a maniac and stayed as thin as a rail.

From the start, I knew that the BPD had issues. When we were together for about six months, after she and I had a blow-out fight, she says to me, "I have a confession to make." She then proceeds to tell me that she had been on Ephedra, the once-legal diet drug, since the relationship began. She was just getting herself off of it, according to her.

She then proceeded to tell me how she was researching Ephedra and learned about the common side effects -- moodiness, generalized anxiety, etc.

Stall Tactics

I was blown away. I thought that this was the reason for all of her crazy actions and feelings. This ephedra made her so suspicious, so anxious, so upset, so accusing. Aaaaaaaaaah, now I could be with the woman that I first met. That sweet, loving woman.

Of course, it didn't last long. She went back to her ways, her accusations, her constantly critical person that had me under the microscope. I would ask her "are you taking that medication again?" She would tell me no. Who's to tell what is the truth.

She told me that when she would take the medication, it caused her heart to race, sometimes out of control. This is a woman who would have panic attacks, feeling like she was having a heart attack.

A couple of months before we ended everything, I found a bag of pills of hers. I'm not sure what they were, but she denied that they were ephedra.

Medications That Treat BPD

There are some medications that effectively treat BPD. Before I met the BPD, she said that she was on Effexor for some time on advice from her friend -- clearly, others saw that she had issues.

From what I have read, Effexor is one of the most effective drugs for treating those that display BPD symptoms. More information about specific drugs and how they treat BPD can be found here.

However, she said that the Effexor made her gain weight, so she quickly stopped taking the medication.

After the first time that she kicked her out, I tried to take her to a psychiatrist to help medicate her and calm her down. I thought that this was the only chance that we had.

Unfortunately, she told me that I had the problems. The pressure that she put on me was enormous, and she never would accept medication until we had broken up.

Others find Celexa quite useful, and many BPDs that I have communicated with now take Celexa.

BPD or Not?

The BPD I was with never admitted that she had BPD, yet she was on a BPD medication. She felt so strongly about this that she insisted that I had BPD. Is the Borderline's world that crazy where they can change history right in front of your eyes? I guess so.

The BPD and I both took Wellbutrin when trying to stop smoking together. She suffered many of the side effects of the drug, however, including paranoia and suicidal thoughts. She would tell me, "it doesn't matter if I'm here, maybe I just should finish myself off for once and all." Needless to say, she didn't last on Wellbutrin for long.

Clearly, the right medications are good for a BPD, provided they will take them and will not suffer from the side effects. It may take time to find out which is right, but if the Borderline in your life will take them, it may make your life much better.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009


While driving to work today, I saw a sign on the back of someone's car. It said, "have a great day." What a great message, I thought.

It reminded me of my relationship with the BPD. She saw signs, she told me, all of the time. She said that there were signs coming at her -- she thought that her dead husband was sending her signs and looking out for her well-being.

Billboards, bumper stickers, television ads, newspaper and magazines, the internet, songs, you name it -- the borderline was getting sent signs. She told me that with Bob, her previous boyfriend, the signs were most everywhere. Then with me, the signs came as well.

Do People Really Get Signs from The Supernatural?
Was the BPD given signs to get away from me because I was bad and taking advantage of her? Did her dead husband send her signs saying that I was bad and going to hurt her? Did she get her signs all the time, as we drove down the road, as we did whatever?

One time, when we were driving to Delaware, she started to say the bad signs that she saw:

Snakes on A Plane
Get Out Now
Your Time is Gonna Come

I got it. I started to tell her about the signs that I saw:

Jesus loves you
Life Is Good
A Mind Is A Terrible Thing to Waste
It's A Beautiful Day

As a Christian, I would say that The Lord gives you messages and shepherds you in a direction. You will have certain life occurrences and events that will move you in a direction. God stopped speaking to people thousands of years ago, so you may be given an impression, and if you're tuned into the Lord, he may speak through you by providing you with thoughts, feelings and emotions. This requires intensive work in your spirituality and developing yourself so The Lord will give you certain thoughts.

The Edge of Our Perception

As the Perception artwork indicates, we are travelers on the edge of our perception. If we perceive the world to be bad and people will hurt us and take advantage of us, we will attract that to us. Furthermore, the signs that we see will all be negative.

If we see signs that are positive and uplifting, we will live a life of positivity and goodness. The choice is ours.

Did my ex girlfriend, who suffered from Borderline Personality Disorder, actually see signs? She had trained her mind to see negative signs in everything -- maybe this is why she had her anxiety eyes, I don't know. She could have trained herself to see positive signs, but you can't be a victim of positivity.

Borderline Personality Disorder is diagnosed as such because those that suffer from it are on the border of neurosis and psychosis. These signs are one example of this border -- I used to say that she was outright crazy about her signs.

In the end, our perception is everything -- so much that we can make things into whatever we want. That's my biggest lesson.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Dulcinea Syndrome

I can't believe that I've ever written about Dulcinea Syndrome. Aaaaah, the ole' Dulcinea Syndrome. I actually do write about it in some of my early posts, particularly when I penned Letter to Dulcinea and Dulcinea's Apology, but I never actually discuss Dulcinea Syndrome itself. I've alluded to it quite a bit throughout my life -- the syndrome that most of us suffer when first meeting someone:

Dulcinea Syndrome is a disease of mistaken identity that many suffer when first entering into a relationship with another person. With this disease, the person thinks that their partner is someone who is devoid of any shortcomings. They view the person with amazingly 'rosy colored glasses' that they cannot take off.

I recognized that I suffered from this disorder many times in my life, but with the BPD, I knew that she had issues. I guess I just didn't realize how large the issues actually were. Not only that, as time progressed in the relationship, her illness seemed to get worse, not better.

In the end, Dulcinea Syndrome is pretty simply described: We end up learning that the person is not who we thought that they were. Promises were broken, the person ends up being abusive and takes advantage, whatever the situation, the syndrome almost always has a painful ending.

God puts events in our lives to help us grow. Even the worst situations can end up being good if we stay positive and continue to grow through them.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

2 Years

This blog is going on its second anniversary, second birthday, second whatever you want to call it. I've been doing this for two years. I can't believe it.

What a crazy two years it has been. I remember when I first started blogging, it was this sort of passive-aggressive way for the Borderline that I was getting out my frustrations. I blogged once in November when the relationship was in its yo-yo mode.

I remember the pain that I would feel when she would outright reject me; before this time, I lived with her, so every night, I would come home to make the world right once again. Then, during the day, it unraveled.

Once we lived apart (I moved out in September 2007), her cycles of abuse got worse and worse. She began threatening the police. Although it hurt -- and I mean hurt like I've never felt before, I was getting stronger. I eventually stopped playing into her anxiety and went on my own. Two years ago is when I really began breaking the chains. Within a month, I was completely done.

I really wonder why I began writing the blog, now that I think about it. I think at first, it was my self-medication. Getting it out and off of my chest was medicinal for me. It's especially difficult to talk to your friends about your borderline relationship because your friends grow tired of hearing about the dysfunction that you live in, and you start to dislike telling others because you feel like such as sniveling idiot.

However, the blog has continued for a number of reasons. There was a time where I was writing for the BPD to see how I had "recovered" from the pain that she inflicted (I really hadn't recovered but wanted to put my best face on). I also thought that she would see the blog and feel really bad for what she did, and she would finally see how badly she was treating me. I'm not sure what I was thinking.

She did see the blog. On March 30, 2008, she was on the blog for over an hour and viewed 20 posts (which I think was about the entire blog at that time). I don't think she has viewed the blog since then, but I could be wrong. This one, I'm sure was her.

By the way, the way that I know this is through my web analytics program. This program will tell me the town that someone is from and the type of browser that they're using. The site got about 5 to 10 hits per day then, and she used a Mac (which was out of the ordinary), so I'm quite confident that she was on the site. The site used to be linked into my home page (I've since changed that)

The only thing I've heard of her since then was when the police contacted me on Father's Day because she accused me of breaking into her online photo albums and putting pictures of myself, which is downright goofy. By this point, I wasn't writing for her or to talk to her -- I was writing for me.

Most of the time, I've written this blog to heal. To make myself feel better. To get through the pain that I felt. Was it because the breakup was dysfunctional and with a borderline, or was it because it was just a difficult breakup? Probably a little of both.

"You are both so enmeshed that no contact is the only option," the psychiatrist told me when we discussed the breakup.

Enter Jennie. When Jennie and I started dating, I thought I was done healing. I stopped blogging out of respect for her and because I thought I had finished my healing. Jennie's good, though, and she wouldn't let me *not* heal, so she encouraged my blogging. After what I went through, I couldn't imagine someone who could be so encouraging, but she has encouraged it and has felt that the blog is a wonderful expression.

When I have felt like I was done blogging and I was going to stop, I begin hearing from all of the blog's readers. Everyone who comments, or those of you that send me emails ( If by sharing a bit of myself with each of you, I can help you heal, then I'll continue blogging. I'll continue to cover topics which are important, but will continue it as part of the me project -- it continues and will continue for quite some time.

The blog continues to get an increased number of followers, and the number of emails that I receive has increased. Web traffic has also increased, and readership spans the globe. BPD is not isolated to one country, or one continent, by the way.

So nearly two years ago, I began breaking the chains of the BPD relationship and started the healing process. Read my blog post titled Heal.

Since then, I've grown quite a bit and continue to grow. In upcoming posts, I'll highlight some of my growth and how I continue.

Thanks for reading. Let me know what you need and want. The Me Project Continues.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Does Time Heal All Wounds?

I recently entered into a conversation with a group of people about one question: Does time heal all wounds?

I've thought about this quite a bit since then, and given my experience. There are times when we feel pain, such deep emotional pain. It often feels like we're never going to get through it. When we lose a loved one from illness. When we divorce. When a relationship ends. When someone who is close to you does something that hurts so much that you don't think you could ever forgive them.

Does time heal these wounds? Do you ever forgive the person, or do you completely shut the person out of your life, never letting them back in?

If you commit yourself to healing and growing from the wound, then time should heal it. You should be able to go through the healing process, grieving the loss then actually dealing with it.

Forgiveness is also a part of the process. Eventually, you should forgive the person who has hurt you. In relationships where I feel that I had left wounds opened, I have asked for forgiveness. Without this, we need to close parts of our world out, which is dysfunctional and not normal.

With all of this said, there are a couple of important points to be made here. First, even though you forgive someone does not mean that you should go and renew relations or even an acquaintance. The BPD had told me that she could see us being friends after the relationship ended. Frankly, the trust was so violated and what she did was so egregious that I could never trust her again. Given the fact that she has contacted the police about me on several occasions, accusing me of doing things that I never would do, how could I be assured that this wouldn't happen again? Even though I understand why she did what she did and have forgiven her, by no means do I trust her. Re-opening lines of communication would be dangerous to my well-being, so there is no reason at all to do such a thing.

Second, healing is a natural process which takes time. If you try to shortcut this process, you will not be able to fully heal.

I did this by entering a relationship when I was not fully healed from the BPD and the relationship suffered. I thought that the relationship would help me heal or forget about the pain that I had. It didn't -- in some ways, it made the pain worse. I was fortunate to be with a wonderful, patient woman who was willing to fight for the relationship.

They say that healing from a relationship takes one year -- if the relationship was quite dysfunctional (only you can tell that), I'd recommend even longer. You need to re-establish your sense of self, which takes time.

Healing Is A Decision
The only way that you'll heal from your wounds is if you commit to healing from them. You can feel the pain, relive the pain and dwell in the pain, but you must eventually move yourself out of this pain. You must make the decision to heal, and not to dwell in the pain for too long, letting it overcome you. If you do, you'll end up suffering from depression and other stress related illnesses.

Read the earliest posts in this blog -- while they're only two dimensional and don't show the full pain that I was feeling, you'll get an idea about the pain that I was having. I got through that pain by committing to healing. I'm not proud of all of the entries that you read in this blog -- some of them show just how screwed up and lost I was when the relationship ended.

You Will Have Scars
When I was having this discussion whether time heals wounds, one person commented, "some wounds leave scars."

They do leave scars, but scars are fully healed wounds. You can look at the scar and remember what wounded you, how it felt, and how you healed. You have healed from that scar, though. It can't be re-opened - that wound is gone and is now a scar.

Time can help heal any wound, but you must commit to healing it.