Restraining Orders and BPDs

Some use them like candy. They get restraining orders on their partners regularly because of their black and white thinking. Many of the more advanced borderline personality disordered will have a number of restraining orders on others and themselves.


Why Restraining Orders?
Borderlines have such black and white thinking that you are either good or bad in their minds -- you are either evil and out to do them wrong, or you are their savior. Ironically, these thoughts about a single person could almost co-exist inside a person.

Once the BPD splits and views you as all bad in the moment, they will do everything that they can to get you out of their life. Remember that borderline personality is a chronic feeling of emptiness, so getting you out of their life also becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy.

One time, I asked the BPD that I was involved with, "what happens if I actually leave when you have one of these episodes?"

She responded with, "I always thought that's what I deserve, to be alone."

You can't have a normal, fully functional relationship with someone who thinks that they deserve to be alone. Given a borderline's instability and their self-loathing, this could come out in a number of harmful ways.

A true borderline continually plays the victim role. They have to be the victim of someone, something, constantly. As the partner of a borderline, they will be the victim of you.

Protect Yourself
If you are (or were) in a relationship with a borderline, you need to be aware of the restraining order trap and steer clear of it. The problem with a borderline relationship is that things can get so bad so quickly, and you don't know when it is going to happen, that you can find yourself in a terrible situation with very little notice.

Watch for the following warning signs when dealing with a borderline:

• Threatening to contact the police: Many times these are false claims that are again trying to play the victim. However, they could be real, and I'd recommend staying away from anyone who wants to call the police. I know, you can usually calm them down. It's not your job, and you need to maintain your self dignity. Leave any situation where the borderline is threatening to call the police.
• Physical violence: When an extreme fight breaks out, the borderline may hit, kick or scratch at you. At this point, your body's fight or flight responses take over as adrenaline rushes through your veins. DO NOT FIGHT. WALK AWAY. I can't stress this enough. Even if the borderline hit you square in the face, once you throw a punch, you may be defending yourself to the police or a judge. Walk away. You don't want to be with someone who is physically violent with you.
• Beginning to play the victim role, of you: Follow me here. Once the borderline starts to become the victim of you and your actions, your world will be turmoil. I'm taking a leap here as I personally stayed involved with the borderline as she tried to be the victim of me over and over again, but maybe you'll be smarter than me. Believe me, in the long run, it's better. You don't want to be with someone that views you so poorly, even if they also idealize you. In the end, they don't treat you well, and you can find someone that treats you better.
  

What To Do If Someone Has Filed A Restraining Order Against You
First, get an attorney to defend you. Get the best attorney that you can afford as they will provide you with sound legal advice. I'm not an attorney and don't play one on TV, so I don't want to overstep my advice here.

Defend yourself to the fullest extent that you can. Be sure to have no contact with the borderline if at all possible. If children are involved, of course, you'll need to work through this.

You don't want to be with someone who is threatening to call the police on you, filing restraining orders, being physically violent or treating you like you're a terrible person that's out to victimize them. You can find people that will treat you well -- I promise.

If you feel you must stay in a relationship with someone who treats you so poorly, be sure to have boundaries before things ever escalate. Know when and what will make you walk away from a particular situation, and try to stick to those boundaries.

Flood

When I was living with the borderline, there was a massive storm one spring day. The storm dumped inches of water on the area.

After the first day's rain, I took the kids home for the weekend. The storm began on a Saturday, and it was ugly by Sunday. As I took the kids home, the BPD called me and said that her finished basement was beginning to get water in it.

I asked her to check the sump pump, but she couldn't as it was sealed up. I dropped the kids then stopped at a local harware store, purchasing a temporary sump pump and various other supplies, such as a shop vac, so we could get the water out.

I also called my parents. My father came down to the house and helped figure out the situation as well.

Teamwork Amidst Rising Water
We were all working on the problem. We were moving items that were getting destroyed, putting furniture up so it would not be ruined, relocating while also working on getting the water out or figuring out a way. It was tough work, but we did what we could and got some of the most critical things to safety.

Unfortunately, the water kept rising, and as time progressed, we lost more and more items. In the end, there was about 4 inches of water in the basement before the levels subsided.

Problem Solved, Damage Done
A plumber came in and discovered the problem -- the butterfly valve had been stuck in the closed position. This did not allow any water to get out of the sump pump, so the water levels rose.

Once this was fixed, the basement emptied itself of water within an hour. Unfortunately, the damage was done:

• Rugs and walls were ruined
• Furniture and many goods were destroyed
• A lot of work was going to be required to fix it

We began the work of emptying the basement, cutting up and pulling out all of the rugs, putting industrial driers into the basement and cutting some of the wall board on the walls to cut out the ruined wall board. This took days and many late nights after work as the basement was quite large and completely finished. In time, we did it.

Rebuilding

After clearing out the destroyed rug and wallboard, then drying the entire basement, we began rebuilding. We fixed all the wall board, put on molding, then repainted the entire basement.

Finally, we re-carpeted the entire basement, then put the furniture back where it belonged. A nightmare of a process which took three months, but we did it.

Accusations

After the flood had come and gone and we were rebuilding, on multiple occasions, the BPD accused me of actually causing the flood.

She said that the morning of the flood, that we were fighting. She thinks that I was so mad that I went outside, took a rock and brought it inside, throwing this little rock into the sump well and jamming the butterfly valve.

Even explaining this confuses me. However, it shows me how amazing the borderline mind is and how they can conjure up such detail in a story like this.

It also shows that a borderline's accusations cross every boundary. I spent countless hours helping her fix her basement, yet she thinks that I would do such a thing. I brought my father into the situation to help, yet she has the audacity to accuse me of such an act.

She was so convinced that she actually told her father that I may have done this, and her father actually checked out the sump pump to see if there was evidence of me doing such a thing.

The borderline mind is always at work, always trying to figure out how someone has done them wrong, always being the victim of the situation. As the partner, you become the object of much of this childlike paranoia.

BPD and Religion: Born Again or Not?

You'll see that many Borderlines are religious. Many aren't religious. Many BPDs are born again. And again. And again. Many never go near religion.

It's a tough one, religion and borderlines. My ex BPD was raised by her parents -- one was Jewish, the other was Methodist. We spoke about going to church, thought that we had found a church to attend, but never did actually attend.

The Supernatural
The BPD thought that she was quite spiritual; in fact, she said that she would actually have premonitions. Before her husband died, she said that she had a feeling that he was going to die.

From what I saw with her, she did not have any type of spiritual insight. In fact, she was so all-over-the-place that she had 1,000 "premonitions" a day -- if one of them came to fruition, she suddenly felt like she was psychic.

I've covered this before, but the BPD's anxieties were all over the place. She looked at the world, particularly our relationship, so negatively that she found negative things to cite.

The Borderline actually sought the experience of many outside psychics. She contacted one famous psychic and spent over $700 USD to get her input on her husband's death and if Bob was a good person in her life. She actually had a CD of the recording -- the woman tells her that she's going to live to be 88, blah blah blah but gives her no input on the Bob in her life, or the Robert as she asked. It was a silly way to spend $700 in my opinion.

She went to another psychic that told her that she was going to meet her next husband in the timeframe when she met me. This one died after they met in-person in New York City.

Aaaaaah, the drama. Nothing like a little borderline drama to keep things exciting.

Devout Followers
When Borderlines get involved in religion, they get quite involved and will be extreme. Some say that BPDs are inclined to join cults and other extreme groups.

In Christianity, Borderlines will most likely be extremely evangelical followers. One BPD said that she was Born Again -- twice, stating, "I always left the door open for Jesus, even when I wasn't going to church."

Borderlines like the structure that religion brings. The Bible is black and white, so the BPD can have understandable rules that they follow, provided their partners support religion and the church. Overall, it's good for BPDs as it gives them structure and rules to live by.

If you have a BPD in your life and want to help the relationship, attending a local church and joining a religion may help quiet some of the turbulent times. Think about it, and see if it can work for you.

BPD Cheating

It happens time and time again. One BPD relationship after another that I hear about has the same thread -- she cheated on me, told me about it, was sorry, so I forgave her.

The story doesn't end at that. Usually, the BPD cheats on the Non partner again. What does the Non partner do again? Forgives the person.

The pattern usually repeats itself, over and over again, as long as the Non partner will let it. It's typical with many BPD relationships for a number of reasons:

- The BPD has no boundaries so they will let others into their intimate world

- Most BPDs loathe themselves and cannot respect themselves; as such, they cannot respect others

- BPDs have a childlike outlook on life. They will take advantage of another as much as the other will allow.

Set Firm Boundaries

If you're in a relationship with someone that has BPD or you suspect has BPD, set firm boundaries. Tell them that if they cheat, the relationship will be over. Period. Stick to these boundaries.

With my ex BPD girlfriend, I told her, in no uncertain terms, that if she cheated, we were done. No questions asked. One time, early in the relationship, she was feeling quite anxious. I remember her saying to me in an accusatory tone, "y'know, if you cheat, I can cheat too."

I spun around and looked straight at her, right in her eyes: "What did you say?"

She knew that I meant business and had no tolerance for such talk. "Uh, uh, y'know, if you did cheat, I could cheat too."

My response was direct and to the point. "I'm not cheating and don't have any plans to. All I want is you."

She got it, right away. It didn't matter, because as we know, Borderline Personality Disorder is right on the border of neurosis and psychosis; as such, they can slip into either quite easily. She regularly thought that I was cheating on her, then would start to punish me as such.

I'm not sure if she ever really did cheat on me, but it doesn't matter at this point. The damage done would have been to herself, not me.

Your Self Worth Is At Stake

The typical borderline relationship is quite unbalanced. When the borderline is cheating on their partner, the relationship gets even more out of balance. If you are the Non who is being cheated on, you can't stay in a relationship and feel good about yourself. You will eventually feel worthless.

If your BPD partner is cheating on you, they are taking advantage of you. There are people out there that will treat you with respect and with decency, and they won't cheat on you.

Bottom line: Accepting such behavior from your partner is not normal. People divorce -- regularly -- over similar behaviors. Don't take it. Once you're out of the relationship, figure out why you are accepting such behaviors. Go to counseling if you need to, and stop repeating the patterns. This is abuse, which is something you shouldn't accept.

Barcelona -- Business As Usual

I forgot about my trip to Barcelona when I was with the BPD. I was traveling for work -- a quick three day trip into and out of the country for work where I was giving training. Of course, when you give training, you need to be alert and sharp. When you're sleep deprived because you're dealing with a Borderline, it's tough.

The BPD had her parents come and stay with her. It was a tough one -- from the start, the BPD didn't like me going away on business. International business made the BPD very nervous. Any business made the BPD very nervous.

On my previous trip which I had gone on the month before, I came back to a bag packed outside the house I lived and the locks changed. I wasn't expecting much when I got back.

The BPD's father talked some sense into her. He told her that I should be able to go on trips and not talk with her at all. That would be completely acceptable -- talking once during the entire trip would be acceptable, according to her father.

She took her father's word at face value, and I felt so relieved. Wow, I'm going to be able to have a normal trip.

Everything was normal on the trip. As a result, I gave part of the training session and did quite well.

The last night before leaving Spain, The CEO of the company, another trainer and myself went out to dinner. We had Tapas and walked through the town of Barcelona for a couple of hours. During dinner, the BPD called me, and I told her that I was in the middle of dinner. I told her that I'd call her back in a little bit.

Not good enough for the BPD. She raged, all angry and upset about this, accusing me of doing I-don't-know-what to this day. She evidently thought that I went and saw prostitutes, I guess. I came back with gifts for the children from the gift shop, and this wasn't enough. She said that I should have gotten gifts from the town of Barcelona and not the airport gift shop.

After dinner, I got back to my room and the BPD wouldn't talk with me. I spent hours trying to get in touch with her, then when I could get in touch with her, she freaked out on me and said terrible things. The phone charges from Barcelona to the United States were steep, and I ended up with a $1,200 phone bill. That's right -- a $1,200 phone bill for four days of travel.

As a result of the Barcelona trip, I was forced to get STD tests because of the BPD's accusations. Once again, I was accused of all these terrible things, and I found myself proving my innocence.

In the end, one shouldn't have to prove their innocence. A relationship like this has a number of fundamental issues, particularly that the relationship is imbalanced and no trust. Relationships should not be like this. They should be caring, loving with all the trust in the world. It's not out of reach if you really want it.

Abounding Love

When you're with a BPD, they provide this love like no other. They provide a level of love that few feel in their lives. When you're in their presence, the BPD loves you wholly like few have felt before. True puppy love can be felt.

As a Non, we thrive for this love. When you feel this kind of love, it fills most holes that you have in your life. The BPD gives you this love, then takes it away, devaluing you. You crave this love, this basic love that they give you.

I used to view the love that I had with the BPD as a pure love. This is what I meant, because she provided this low level love to me and it seemed pure. Looking back, it wasn't a realistic love. It wasn't a love that could deepen over time, because every time the BPD devalued me, said nasty things or made outrageous accusations, it was like we had to start over. The love would have to be re-established, trust would begin to be rebuilt, only to be knocked down again.

So, you have a pure love that you crave, but the love cannot deepen because you are treated so horribly.

You're suddenly in turmoil. Constant turmoil.

BPD Love Can Be Good

I've had many BPDs contact me recently, indicating that they are not given a fair chance on this blog. You can understand why I would do such a thing, as my relationship with a BPD ended in termination with me having many deep wounds. However, if a BPD is willing to do the work that they need to make their life and the lives of those that are close to them normal, I guarantee that this type of love can be a good love. The BPD's relationship would be allowed to deepen with their partner, and it could be a good love.

In general, Abounding Love is difficult, as one cannot provide another with abounding love. We need to have boundaries with the love that we give, and the love that we receive as well. When we do not have boundaries, we will burn out from giving too much, or we could feel smothered by receiving too much. If we are receiving too much love, the one that is giving may eventually grow resentful as well.

So, in the end, someone can get too much love. Abounding love is not a good thing. If you're getting it or giving it, there's a price that's being paid by someone else, or by yourself. Regardless, you don't want to be involved with this. Draw boundaries and enforce them.

The Private Investigator--Twisted Reality

When I was dating the BPD, I traveled on business quite infrequently. Before the relationship was 1 year old, I had to travel to Orlando, Florida for business. She was not happy at all about it, and accused me of everything under the sun -- like I was going on this trip for some type of rendez vous with another woman.

Looking back at these things, they were so ridiculous, so downright goofy. With that said, they were the reality of the BPD, whether I like it or not.

So, I went away and did my business. I called the BPD regularly and spoke with her when I could. Overall, things were going okay -- just okay -- for the first two days. I was scheduled to leave on the morning of the third day, and suddenly things fell apart at 11 pm the night before I left.

I spoke with the BPD at 9 PM and she said that she needed to call me back -- she and the neighbor smelled natural gas and had the gas company investigating.

I never heard back from her. I got worried that she was okay. I eventually called the police and told them that I was worried. They called me back and said that they checked out the situation, and that she was there and fine.

More games. I went to bed.

I woke up to my phone ringing at 2 am. She was in a rage, telling me that I was having phone sex the night before and talking with African American prostitutes on the phone. She told me that she "knew everything," then proceeded to fire off question after question about the night before.

All that I did the night before was speak with the BPD (she went to a concert so I spoke to her before she went and while she was going), speak with a lifelong friend and leave a message for an old co-worker. That's it.

We were up the entire evening, discussing the goings on the night before. She kept accusing me of doing things, which I continued to defend myself. I did not get any sleep, then had to fly back home.

I arrived back home to accusations of I don't know what, being hung up on repeatedly, and the locks changed in the place where I lived--with her. It got so bad that I told her that I was being so truthful that I was willing to take a polygraph test. She proceeded to try to find someone who would administer one.

She really believed I was lying to her so much that she wanted me to take a polygraph test. Again, her perception was that twisted.

For the wise, if you're required to take a polygraph by your partner, leave the relationship. There's no trust and little love in such a relationship.

Her sister called me at one point, then told me, "she wants to have a clean break." Game over, I guessed. I called my parents and had to stay with them. There was a bag of my stuff on the porch of where we lived. She had changed the locks, so I couldn't get anything else.

I drove to my parents, such a wounded soldier. I felt terrible. I never -- never -- want to feel that way again. Like I had done something wrong. No person deserves to feel the way that I did then.

The morning after she kicked me out, I went to a counselor that we both had seen together. The counselor was the first person that told me that she was a borderline. That's when I started figuring it all out.

It took me a year to get fully out, but this was the start.

I learned what happened after we reconciled, which took two days (she sent me a text message asking me to get my stuff, and when I stopped there, we reconciled). She told me that she had hired a private investigator. The investigator sat outside my hotel room, listened to my conversations (and transcribed them poorly), followed me out when I would go outside and smoke (I smoked back then -- they say smoking is anxiety -- I've stopped since then, thank the Lord -- I always hid my smoking, particularly in a professional environment), and that's about it.

The night that she flipped, she got the transcripts back and made them into some type of bad thing, which they weren't. My conversation with Chris was suddenly phone sex. She questioned me about who was this person, and who was this person. This interrogation would periodically re-appear throughout the relationship: "Who's Rhoda? Who's Fred (there was no fred)?" It was like she had the transcript and would periodically go back to it.

The shame of the matter is that she never had to do such a thing. The bigger shame is that I let it happen. This is a great example of having to give the BPD boundaries. The problem is that she had her family involved--she distrusted me so much that she told her sister, who recommended the Private Investigator.

That's all fine (not really), but the worst thing is that she was able to make something not bad into something bad.

They call that the BPD twist.

Storytime

So, I've got this blog that's become *pretty* popular and well-read by the world, particularly those that are recovering from relationships with Borderlines -- I feel for you, believe me. It's a tough road that you're currently going down, but it gets better. If you do the work, you'll end up an amazing person. Make sure that you do the work, though.

So I still feel this need to entertain you, this need to keep giving you information that you need, so I'll tell you stories. Stories about the relationship that we had. I'll discuss the good, the bad, and the ugly.

So, why not start at the first date?

I met the BPD on an Internet dating site which will remain nameless for the time being. I believe that Internet dating sites can be fine, but you need to fully screen people that you meet. She and I exchanged emails but that was it.

The first date was a great date. We discussed our past, what we were looking for, and how we got to dating in our late 30s. The date was memorable -- from what we discussed to how it ended:

- We drank too much. We started by having a drink at one bar, then having sushi for dinner and drinking more, then smoking and drinking at another bar, then going to yet another bar and drinking there also.

- At the end of the night, she was visibly drunk and was going to head home. I urged her not to drive, as I was feeling buzzed and weighed 70 pounds more than her. My urgings finally convinced her not to drive, so we had coffee at a diner.

- She asked me questions, and told me things, that were clearly inappropriate and violated basic boundaries, typical of a borderline. They do not have boundaries, so they do not know how to respect them. Examples of these questions:

- Have you ever had a threesome? I have.

There were plenty more questions as well. They were questions that made you feel like the person was very interested in you, not without boundaries. I should have known, but did not have the experience to understand this.

The night also ended without boundary. We made out in my car, then she whispered in my ear "tell me what you like." A guy loves hearing these kinds of things -- they make you feel like someone's real into you. But you also think that she does this with anyone.

I responded, "I'm not ready to tell you that." I liked her and wanted the relationship to blossom. Didn't want to take advantage either.

So, boundaries were crossed on the first date. It was a fun night, but there was early evidence that she was going to continually cross boundaries. 

The second date really started to show how badly the boundaries would be crossed. The third date was even worse. Stay tuned.

Control & Boundaries

One of the biggest aspects of a relationship with a BPD is control. I never realized this until I was out of the relationship, but BPDs have to control every aspect of the Non's being, or they go absolutely insane.
- When we broke up, she would get angry with what I did or how I acted
- I was not allowed to join a gym when I moved out because the time I went to the gym was conducive to single people. Yet she could go to the gym every day
- I could not go out with my friends, even to play whiffle ball, because she thought I'd be meeting a woman. Yet I encouraged her to have a girls' weekend and watched all the kids when she went out with friends
- I worked every day, and for a good part of the time we were together, she would pick me up and have lunch with me. So I had NO free time. Yet, every day, she had all the free time that she wanted because she did not work. With all of her accusations and assumptions, she could have had torrid affairs with people and I never would have known about it (I trusted, so it didn't matter -- only now that I'm out of the relationship am I starting to question all of her motives, projection and the like).
- She would make up excuses to kick me out -- twice. Looking back, I should have never taken it. All my things were at that house, and I'd be left with a bag on the porch and have to go and stay with my parents. What a pathetic way to live.

The control becomes quite hypocritical, as you can see. It's sad, because the relationship becomes so unbalanced. I complained about the unbalanced nature of the relationship, but it fell on deaf ears.

Boundaries Are CRITICAL

One of the times when the BPD kicked me out of the house, I went and stayed with my parents and went to a counselor that we both had seen. The counselor informed me that she was borderline. I wasn't ready to leave the relationship (didn't understand at that point), and I asked the counselor if I stay in the relationship,what should I do.

Her response was to establish boundaries with the borderline. This is the best thing for BPDs as they live without boundaries. I used to tell the BPD that she had to get a job because it would give her structure and boundaries that she needed so desperately. Of course, she never got a job.

Unfortunately, my exBPD girlfriend could not respect any boundaries. That's one of the problems with BPDs, but you need to give boundaries to them. It's critical.

Examples of good boundaries with borderlines include:
- Not letting borderlines running every part of your life. Borderlines, if you let them, will not let you have any personal time. They will invade on any time that they can, including your time at work (she called me regularly at work and accused me of things, including sleeping with coworkers, etc) and time with others. It threatens them, and in the case of my exBPD, often triggered her fight or flight response.
- Establishing clear consequences for their actions, and following through. Borderlines will test, like children test, every part of the relationship and what you will and will not tolerate. The BPD in my life knew that I would not tolerate cheating. If she did cheat (which I think that she did in the beginning of the relationship), she hid it very well from me.
- Not accepting Borderlines' projections. Many borderlines project their fears and anxieties onto you and make them reality. There were times when I would address and accept these as reality, to my demise. If a borderline projects their fear onto you, tell them that you do not accept that. Do NOT accept non-truths as it erodes your self-confidence and self-esteem

Try to remain strong and not take things personally. I did, and she hurt me badly as a result of it. I've grown enormously since then, but being in the relationship was quite painful at times.