Thursday, December 31, 2009

BPD Resolutions For The New Year: Ways to Make Yourself Feel Better

It's time for yet another year to be behind us. We can look back on the year, think about what we've done well and what we wish we had done differently, and make changes.

We can make changes to the parts of our life that need change, but we need to recognize that this type of change will take time. We can make the change, but it will take time.

We need to be patient with ourselves.

My New Years Resolutions After The BPD Relationship
I remember after the BPD relationship terminated in 2007, making a list of New Years Resolutions. I had kept them up until a couple of weeks ago when I threw them out. They were something like this:

  1.  Heal fully from the BPD relationship
  2. Get my finances back in order
  3. Finish learning to play the guitar -- start learning to play another instrument
  4. Get myself set to have an excellent relationship 

I think those were the main ones. How did I do?

1. Heal Fully -- Who was I kidding? It would take longer. I think I'm there, but it took a lot longer

2. Get finances back in order -- I actually slid further into the abyss on this one, getting myself tens of thousands of dollars into debt. I stopped the skid this (soon to be last) year and am on the road to recovery, but this one took time -- a lot more time than I wanted or expectd.

3. Finish learning to play the guitar -- This one also took more time than I expected. I started taking lessons, but stopped playing for a while. I'm back on the guitar -- big time, and hope to be done this year.

4. Get myself set to have an excellent relationship -- I don't know if I got myself set, but I've been having one. She recognized my pain and worked with my while I was healing.  I think that part of this was the Law of Attraction or what's found in the book The Secret. The book's a quick read, and I'd recommend it to everyone who is looking for a good read (by the way, I've started to link Amazon purchasing into this so you can quickly get to books I recommend -- let me know how you like it).

Ways to Make Yourself Feel Better
I felt horrible -- absolutely horrible -- after getting out of the relationship with the Borderline. I know, this is a pretty straightforward one. The holidays are particularly tough when you're alone and you've just gotten out of a relationship with a Borderline. You feel numb.

20 Good Things About Me
One of the things I did was write down 20 good things about me. It's a silly self esteem exercise, but it works.

If you're feeling real bad about yourself, start with ten good things. Write them down. Then, go to the mirror and read them to yourself while looking at yourself. This should help make yourself feel better and actually works.

Self Affirming Statements
When you're feeling real bad about yourself, the self affirming statements can make you feel good about yourself, real quickly. How do you do them? It's real easy.

First, write down a number of statements that are in this format:
- I'm a good person
- I'm a smart person
- I'm an attractive person
- I deserve a great relationship
- I deserve someone who treats me well
- I deserve goodness
- Goodness is what I am going to get in life

Say them to yourself daily; say them hourly if you need to. Saying these things will help you fell much better about yourself and will keep you in the right place mentally.

When you're deep in cardiovascular exercise, huffing and puffing, how can you feel bad about yourself? Something magical happens when you work out. I'm not sure what it is, but you concentrate on the effort at hand, and the rest of the world becomes okay for that time. I highly recommend exercising when you're feeling bad.

If you've read the blog, you knew that this one was going to come out. Prayer will heal most everything. I'll tell you amazing stories of salvation and redemption that occur through prayer, and I personally can attest to this.

Pray to God to help unleash you from the pain and suffering that you are experiencing. Pray to God for clarity, for understanding and to help understand why these things have happened. Pray to God so he can help make you feel better.

It works. It has worked for me, and it can work for you too.

Happy New Year

As we close the chapter in 2009 and welcome 2010, we can look back and decide to be different people in the upcoming year. We can evolve in 2010 and become that person that we always dreamed of being. Have a Happy New Year and look for new posts in the New Year, more focused on healing you.

Also, look for an e-book on these topics and more. Thanks to each and every one of you for your comments and contributions. You provide wonderful insight and depth that make this blog a community site, not just one person's blabber.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

How To Have a Normal Life After A Borderline Relationship

You can have a normal life after you have a relationship with somebody afflicted with borderline personality disorder. Heck, if you have a partner who is afflicted with Borderline Personality Disorder, can truly keep your sense of self-worth and self esteem intact while establishing healthy boundaries, you can even survive in a relationship with someone who has BPD.

This post covers how to have a normal life after you've been in a borderline relationship, from recovery to back to normalcy and thriving in your new found free life.

Grieve The Relationship
First, you have to grieve the relationship. Allow yourself time to fully grieve. You can get books like How to Survive The Loss of a Love. The book's a little cheesy, but it worked for me.

Actually allot time each day to grieve the loss. Losing someone who is borderline is tough, mainly because they are such intense relationships. Most of us that were in a relationship with a Borderline thought that this was it, and this person was marriage material. We suddenly had to say goodbye to our partner -- heck, I nearly bought a house with my ex BPD.

This has a huge cost in terms of how you feel. It takes time -- longer than normal to heal. Give yourself the time, no matter what, or it will come out strange ways.

Begin To Prove To Yourself That You're Not Those Things That The Borderline Said You Were
I know, this one is a little nutty, but it works. Even if you know that you're not crazy, you're not borderline, you're not a liar, you're not a scammer, you're not gay, your kids aren't mental patients, you don't want to hurt the BPD, the BPD's family, the BPD's pets, the BPD's pets, and so on (I rattled that off in one thought, so you can see that those scars are still there), they still have a lasting effect.

When I told the borderline that she was BPD, her response was, "no I'm not, you are." She then launched into an all-out attack on me, trying to prove that I was borderline. or suffered from Antisocial Personality Disorder (often seen as the male counterpart to BPD). It got so bad that one day, we were in a psychologist's office going through the DSM, me having to prove that I don't have Antisocial Personality Disorder. I've covered this before, but my point is that it has a lasting impact.

After the relationship terminated, one of my first relationships was with a psychologist. This PhD dealt regularly with criminals that had Antisocial Personality Disorder. I know that I didn't have this disorder, but I just had to prove it a little more...

Begin To Get Your Sense of Self Back
So, you're now mourning the relationship. It's time to get into the driver's seat and make life good again. Appreciate your new found freedom and time. After all, you no longer have to worry about a borderline, or anyone for that matter.

One book that I found particularly useful was a book called Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends. It contained plenty of great information, was a quick read, but helped me put everything into perspective and begin to grow once again. It was definitely one of those good ones to read when going through this change.
Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends, 3rd Edition (Rebuilding Books; For Divorce and Beyond)

Learn How Not To Make The Same Mistakes
So, you're starting to get your sense of self back. You may want to go to a counselor to examine what drew you to the borderline and how to ensure it doesn't happen again. For me, it was a deep childhood issue with my sense of self -- I felt comfortable proving my worth, which the BPD constantly challenged.

One book that I found particularly useful was a book called No More Mister Nice Guy. It helped me break some of the chains that had kept me in the relationship -- the chains of great sex, and others. No More Mr. Nice Guy!

Break The Chains of Codependency
Some need to go to Alanon. I didn't need it, but I did realize what codependent behaviors I had and broke them, for the most part. I read books like Codependent No More which allowed me to start forming healthy, functional relationships with others.

Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

Learn To Start Getting The Love -- and Giving The Love -- That You Deserve
So, you're now on the right path. You're feeling better and better. While doing this, be sure to keep working through your regular issues -- mourning when appropriate, taking time for yourself, re-discovering who you really are.

When you're ready -- start getting the love that you deserve. I read a book which helped do this, called Getting the Love You Want. This book was a great book and helped explain it all and make large changes in me. After reading this book, I:
- Went back to church, finding a spiritual foundation (which is so critical)
- Met my current partner.

In future posts, I'll cover how I got the spiritual foundation, what it did for me and how to get it yourself. I'll also cover each of these elements in more detail.

You can have a normal life after a Borderline Relationship, for what it's worth. Follow the approach outlined here and you'll be on your way.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

The Borderline Twist Revisited: How To Deal With The Borderline Twist

I've received many comments and questions about the Borderline Twist. Until you have it happen to you, you don't know what it is. Some call it revisionist history, some call it changing reality, some call it twisting the truth, some call it changing the facts.

It's the Borderline Twist.

Reality Changes, Right In Front of Your Eyes
You've seen it happen, an event or a past event or chain of events. Suddenly (or not so suddenly if it's being used as ammunition in a fight), the borderline in your life starts telling you about the events, and it's completely different than how you remember it.

There's nothing more frustrating than this. Absolutely nothing. Why?

You can't do a thing about the borderline in your life changing reality. They've just told you that the chain of events is different than what you remember.

For the normal person, when this first starts happening in the relationship, they question themselves and their own sanity? Am I losing it? Could I not remember how things like this happened?

You start to doubt yourself. This is the borderline's first way of getting into you and eroding your self-confidence. It's a slow process, but you may fall for it.

Three Sides of a Story -- NOT
For a while, I thought that there were three sides of a story. My ex wife and I were completely different, and we saw things differently -- we saw the world differently. This wasn't true though. The fact was that there is one truth, and while we may see things differently and even interpret things differently, the facts are just that, facts. No one can change a course of events.

Intention Giving
The worst thing about the Borderline Twist and borderlines changing the facts right in front of your face is that they usually go to the next level. Not only do they change history, they give you intentions of wanting to do something against them. They loathe themselves so much that they give you intentions of wrongdoing against them. For them, this justifies their feelings of intense emptiness and abandonment.

If you're like me, you cannot battle with this. They tell you that you did this against them, but it was anything but the truth. The problem is that their feelings are their feelings, so you can't take their feelings away from them. You can't say to them, "I didn't make you feel like that," because they do feel like that.

This is the essence of the Borderline Twist. The Borderline feels chronically empty, bad, and loathes themselves. They change history and reality to make you or someone else the reason for their feelings of chronic emptiness.

Unfortunately, there is little if anything that you can do to make the borderline feel better. They will cycle out of their episode, but this could take some time. When the borderline would twist something that I said, did, didn't do or say, all I could say is, "I never intended to make you feel like this."

This was a critical misstep on my part. This illustrates typical Non codependency as I have now become responsible for the Borderline's well-being. I am not responsible for making anyone else feel any certain way. We are all responsible for our own well being.

It's an easy trap to fall into. Heck, I did and suffered the consequences.

Think about a borderline's makeup -- they have never fully matured, so part of their mind is like a 12-year-old. They feel incredibly bad about themselves; so bad that they need to prove to others that they should be alone.

When things aren't that bad, how do you make it that they are?

You twist reality so it's all against you. It's a self-fulfilling prophesy on steroids, because you've made it a self-fulfilling prophesy.

View it like a child is telling you a fairytale -- an outright lie. Viewing the event and their changing history as such, then addressing the borderline like they had just lied changes your outlook.

It will take time to start changing your outlook, but using these tools should help you preserve your self-worth

How To Address The Borderline Twist

First, if you see someone twisting reality in your life, say to them, "we just remember what happened differently." If they start trying to convince you that you remembered the event differently, something is wrong.

Second, if you see that the borderline is consistently changing history and the fights are continuing to escalate, re-examine the relationship? Do you want this? If you feel that you can't get out, find coping mechanisms such as leaving the conversation, going elsewhere for a while, taking a break from the conversation and so on.

Next, you need to have boundaries. Don't let someone force revised history on you. Tell them that you do not remember the event like that and that you have to agree to disagree.

Finally, do not take responsibility for another person's well being or happiness. If you think you're becoming responsible for another person's happiness, check out some books on codependency.

Not Your Responsibility
You don't need to accept responsibility when the borderline in your life changes history. The Borderline Twist is something that can be difficult to deal with, but recognizing it when it happens and dealing with it appropriately will make it much easier to address.

Good luck!

Monday, December 28, 2009

BPD and the Holidays: Best of Times, Worst of Times

The time I spent with the BPD over the holidays was great in some ways. Overall, Borderlines can be wonderful around the holidays, as they pay such attention to detail and can be so creative that they really make some things truly special.

The house was always decorated in a wonderful fashion, and Christmas kicked off us looking for a house together as the first house that we saw for sale was actually a Christmas tree farm.

I only spent one Christmas and New Years with the borderline, but during those holidays, I felt like we were most secure.

Light Gazing
The town in which we lived had large McMansions -- quite a few neighborhoods of them -- and many of these homes would decorate their houses quite ornately. The houses looked amazing. We would often go through the neighborhood, gazing at lights together as we would drive around while our kids were home, waiting for us.

The main reason that we were out was because we wanted to smoke -- what a shame that habit had such a hold of me, like the borderline did -- but we spent quite a bit of quality time together as a result of that smoking habit.

We also started looking for a house to buy, together. The Lord works in mysterious ways as we never did that because her house wouldn't sell and the bids we put on houses weren't accepted. One year later, houses that were empty for the entire time that we were looking sold for $50,000 less than we initially offered. The Lord works in mysterious ways.

New Years Drama
On New Years, the BPD couldn't help herself. I'm not sure what sparked it, but she was upset -- quite upset. It may have been because her dead husband had choked her and she called the police on him one New Years, probably the one before he died. Regardless, I was it on New Years and she unleashed her fury for hours. I forget what it was about.

Eventually, she came around and we went out. We went to an expensive dinner, spending hundreds and drinking martinis all night. The borderline was in her normal drunk mode, but we were at a restaurant where there was a band and dancing, so we danced the night away. She was so drunk that she threw up and kept dancing. Luckily, I was driving that night. I think everything worked out fine for the rest of the night.

One Year Later -- Sadness and Redemption
A year later was when the BPD and I had just broken up. Scars were raw and I was trying hard -- as hard as I could -- not to communicate with the BPD.

I was successful, but I did pay the price. I cried and cried and cried. I remember sitting at my uncle's house, closing my eyes as I lay in his family room, the tears running down my face. Looking back, I think it was because I was on a prescription drug to stop smoking that makes you quite sad, but I didn't realize the impact it was having on me.

For those of you that are first breaking the chains of a borderline relationship, it's hard -- probably the hardest thing that you'll do, or so it feels. You can do it. Commit to it, then actually do it.

New Years was a whole different kind of animal for me. I had joined an online dating site, and a woman had taken a liking to me. We went out once and things were very nice. She had asked me to come over for New Years as she was having a party at her house. I graciously obliged and went to her house.

This woman could drink, and I drank along with her. Unfortunately, I got more drunk than I can remember getting in quite some time. I got LOADED -- not a good thing to do when you're trying to win someone's interest -- and I *think* I behaved myself. We weren't physical, and I never tried anything with her -- after all, it was our second date and her kids were there. Not appropriate.

Regardless, she never talked to me after that New Years Eve. Any attempts that I had made to contact her or go out with her were returned with gracious "sorry, I can't...I'm busy" or something like that.

It didn't matter. The chains had been broken. I realized that I didn't need the BPD, I no longer depended on her. It was still tough -- real tough at times -- but things got better.

If you're in this right now, and it hurts, I know it hurts. I'm sorry. It will get better.

Commit yourself to healing, and you'll heal. Take the steps outlined here -- I'm now working on better outlining them -- and get yourself better. You can have a normal life if you seek it out. We'll try to help you seek the normal life.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Killington With The Borderline Personality: Skiing on the Edge

One of the worst -- and best -- trips that I ever took with my ex Borderline Personality girlfriend was to the ski slopes for a four day getaway. We are both avid skiers, and we could both go hit any ski slope without problem, ripping down them.

While borderlines can match another person's personality, matching one's ski skills at an advanced level is not possible unless they have significant ski experience. She did have this experience. During this particular season, we had taught her and my kids how to ski and how to enjoy skiing immensely.

A Rocky Ride
Towards the end of the ski season, we had made plans to go to one of the best ski areas on the East Coast for a four day getaway. Of course, the trip started like every other trip -- with us almost not going at all.

She was upset about something -- I forget what it was (it doesn't matter anyway). I had reached the end of my rope with her outbreaks and her silly tantrums. I told her, "I'm going away without me; you're not coming with me because of how you're now behaving."

This is what the relationship had become. I was forced to telling her that I would punish her because of her behaviors. She eventually did come around, apologized and showed her remorse, to which I said what I always did: "Don't do it again."

While we were on the trip, she got real upset with me at least once. For some reason, her anxiety about what happened with the Nails on the Back was high. She kept accusing me of sleeping with others and all these things. I was so sick and tired that I finally told her about my ex wife's cousin doing it as I left a bar when we were broken up. Of course, she didn't believe me.

A Great Ride
The slopes were relatively light as the season was coming to an end, so we skied like there was no tomorrow. We skied the entire mountain, particularly the more challenging slopes and trails. Some days, we never even left the slopes for lunch, as we would eat slopeside so we could continue skiing.

After we had skied a day, we would head out to the bars for happy hour, dinner, and retiring early so we could get up and ski some more.

One night we went to the local club, and a band was playing to a small crowd of maybe ten or twenty people. We began talking to the band, and by the end of the night, were quite friendly with them.

Towards the end of the night, I had to go to the bathroom and get the Borderline Personality some aspirin. While I was in the bathroom, the band lead said to the BPD, "we'd like to play a song for Den. What's one of his favorite bands?"

"U2," she enthusiastically replied. They looked at one another and began playing the bass line for U2's "With or Without You."

Back in the bathroom, I was having difficulty getting the aspirin machine to dispense aspirin. The band waited and waited, eventually all sitting down as they waited for me.

Hearing the song, I came out of the bathroom excited, literally hooting and hollering as I heard the song played. They then got up and played the song. Quite a funny and memorable time, watching the band play.

Ironically, the Borderline Personality never accused me of doing anything then. I'm not sure why.

Reactive Behaviors
When the BPD and I first drove north on the trip, she told me, "if you had left, I would have come here anyway and just skied in another place...I would have stayed somewhere else too...I had the time without the kids, after all."

When she realized that I may go without her, she thought that I would go and fool around with another person. She could then go and do what she wanted. This would have justified her behavior if something should have happened. 

You can take the borderline out of their home environment, but they're still borderline. They can be quite a lot of fun, but they'll still accuse, rage, and make parts of the trip quite difficult.

Monday, December 21, 2009


When I was living with the borderline, there was a massive storm one spring day. The storm dumped inches of water on the area.

After the first day's rain, I took the kids home for the weekend. The storm began on a Saturday, and it was ugly by Sunday. As I took the kids home, the BPD called me and said that her finished basement was beginning to get water in it.

I asked her to check the sump pump, but she couldn't as it was sealed up. I dropped the kids then stopped at a local harware store, purchasing a temporary sump pump and various other supplies, such as a shop vac, so we could get the water out.

I also called my parents. My father came down to the house and helped figure out the situation as well.

Teamwork Amidst Rising Water
We were all working on the problem. We were moving items that were getting destroyed, putting furniture up so it would not be ruined, relocating while also working on getting the water out or figuring out a way. It was tough work, but we did what we could and got some of the most critical things to safety.

Unfortunately, the water kept rising, and as time progressed, we lost more and more items. In the end, there was about 4 inches of water in the basement before the levels subsided.

Problem Solved, Damage Done
A plumber came in and discovered the problem -- the butterfly valve had been stuck in the closed position. This did not allow any water to get out of the sump pump, so the water levels rose.

Once this was fixed, the basement emptied itself of water within an hour. Unfortunately, the damage was done:

  • Rugs and walls were ruined
  • Furniture and many goods were destroyed
  • A lot of work was going to be required to fix it
We began the work of emptying the basement, cutting up and pulling out all of the rugs, putting industrial driers into the basement and cutting some of the wall board on the walls to cut out the ruined wall board. This took days and many late nights after work as the basement was quite large and completely finished. In time, we did it.

After clearing out the destroyed rug and wallboard, then drying the entire basement, we began rebuilding. We fixed all the wall board, put on molding, then repainted the entire basement.

Finally, we re-carpeted the entire basement, then put the furniture back where it belonged. A nightmare of a process which took three months, but we did it.

After the flood had come and gone and we were rebuilding, on multiple occasions, the BPD accused me of actually causing the flood.

She said that the morning of the flood, that we were fighting. She thinks that I was so mad that I went outside, took a rock and brought it inside, throwing this little rock into the sump well and jamming the butterfly valve.

Even explaining this confuses me. However, it shows me how amazing the borderline mind is and how they can conjure up such detail in a story like this.

It also shows that a borderline's accusations cross every boundary. I spent countless hours helping her fix her basement, yet she thinks that I would do such a thing. I brought my father into the situation to help, yet she has the audacity to accuse me of such an act.

She was so convinced that she actually told her father that I may have done this, and her father actually checked out the sump pump to see if there was evidence of me doing such a thing.

The borderline mind is always at work, always trying to figure out how someone has done them wrong, always being the victim of the situation. As the partner, you become the object of much of this childlike paranoia.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Why Can't I Love You

Should I be sorry, how was I supposed to know
This isn’t how I wanted to go
Seemed so cold

I can’t remember when I started to pretend
Happiness was happening again
I should have known

Seemed so perfect
Held you close to
Close to notice
I couldn’t breathe

Why can’t I love you I can’t let you in
Questioning everything I thought you said
Tell me I’m crazy for burning our bed
And though I didn’t wanna go, but it’s the only thing I know

Sorry, seems another word to say
When your love is going away
You’ll be fine

Someday, maybe in a week or two
You’ll see what I mean to you
Change your mind

Seemed so perfect
Held you close to
Close to notice
I couldn’t breathe

Why can’t I love you I can’t let you in
Questioning everything I thought you said
Tell me I’m crazy for burning our bed
And though I didn’t wanna go, but it’s the only thing I know

Why can’t I love you I can’t let you in
Questioning everything I thought you said
Tell me I’m crazy for burning our bed
And though I didn’t wanna go, but it’s the only thing I

Why can’t I love you I can’t let you in
Questioning everything I thought you said
Tell me I’m crazy for burning our bed
And thought I didn’t wanna go, but it’s the only thing I know

 - Serena Ryder

This is the perfect song that a borderline could sing to their lover -- you just can't let them in...

Thursday, December 17, 2009

In the Beginning (or End)...

I sat in Bangkok's Siam Square in November, 2003 and watched all the people of the world come together. I watched them sit in this tropical environment on a regular Sunday, people shopping and just walking through the area, a Sony Jumbotron on the side of a building.

It was different than I had ever experienced -- the only place where I had seen a huge monitor on the side of a building was New York City's Time Square, which has such a busy, fast-paced environment. Siam Square had one two-lane road going through it, with people mostly dominating the area. There was a large fountain in the square, and people could sit on the fountain and watch the monitor, which was playing music. It was a casual, calm, laid back area, more like a market than a city. There were some buddhists praying on the edge of the square, and people of all walks of life were in this square.

The following song came onto the monitor, in video form, with music playing. I watched all of the people that were in this area -- literally hundreds of people, from all walks of life, Europeans, Asians, Thais, Africans, Americans, Hispanics, sing the chorus of this song (this is the Black Eyed Peas' Where Is The Love? I've cut parts of it for length):

Where Is The Love?
What's wrong with the world, mama
People livin' like they ain't got no mamas
I think the whole world addicted to the drama
Only attracted to things that'll bring you trauma
Overseas, yeah, we try to stop terrorism
But we still got terrorists here livin'
In the USA, the big CIA
The Bloods and The Crips and the KKK
But if you only have love for your own race
Then you only leave space to discriminate
And to discriminate only generates hate
And when you hate then you're bound to get irate, yeah
Madness is what you demonstrate
And that's exactly how anger works and operates
Man, you gotta have love just to set it straight
Take control of your mind and meditate
Let your soul gravitate to the love, y'all, y'all

People killin', people dyin'
Children hurt and you hear them cryin'
Can you practice what you preach
And would you turn the other cheek

Father, Father, Father help us
Send some guidance from above
'Cause people got me, got me questionin'
Where is the love (Love)

It just ain't the same, always unchanged
New days are strange, is the world insane
If love and peace is so strong
Why are there pieces of love that don't belong
Nations droppin' bombs
Chemical gasses fillin' lungs of little ones
With ongoin' sufferin' as the youth die young
So ask yourself is the lovin' really gone
So I could ask myself really what is goin' wrong
In this world that we livin' in people keep on givin' in
Makin' wrong decisions, only visions of them dividends
Not respectin' each other, deny thy brother
A war is goin' on but the reason's undercover
The truth is kept secret, it's swept under the rug
If you never know truth then you never know love
Where's the love, y'all, come on (I don't know)

People killin', people dyin'
Children hurt and you hear them cryin'
Can you practice what you preach
And would you turn the other cheek

Father, Father, Father help us
Send some guidance from above
'Cause people got me, got me questionin'
Where is the love (Love)

I feel the weight of the world on my shoulder
As I'm gettin' older, y'all, people gets colder
Most of us only care about money makin'
Selfishness got us followin' our wrong direction
Wrong information always shown by the media
Negative images is the main criteria
Infecting the young minds faster than bacteria
Kids wanna act like what they see in the cinema
Yo', whatever happened to the values of humanity
Whatever happened to the fairness in equality
Instead in spreading love we spreading animosity
Lack of understanding, leading lives away from unity
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin' under
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin' down
There's no wonder why sometimes I'm feelin' under
Gotta keep my faith alive till love is found

- The Black Eyed Peas 

Setting The Stage for The BPD Relationship
We all have moments in our lives where we look at what we've done, who we are, and decide to make changes. I realized how big the world truly is and how we're all so different, yet we're the same. We all sing and look for exactly the same thing.

We all want love.

I wanted love, and I wasn't getting the love I wanted or needed. I'll never forget that moment as it is still burned in my mind. I watched the world come together and deliver a message to me.

What an amazing moment. How special, how warm, how loving that scene was. Something that you feel honored to be a part of, it was given to me. I was so lost, and they told me that I needed that love.

I wanted to be a new person. A different person. I didn't even know all of the changes that I wanted to make, but I wanted change. Big change. I wanted to become a new person, a better person, a transformed person.

I made changes when I got back from Thailand. My then wife and I separated, and I began a tumultuous journey which has lasted for over five years. 

Tough Times
All the shame I felt, all the guilt I was shedding, all the self-loathing literally set the stage for my entering the relationship with the Borderline. After being in the dysfunctional marriage for so many years where verbal abuse was the norm, a relationship with a borderline isn't that strange.

Of course, looking back, I can't believe what I went through.

I went through a divorce, then entered the relationship with the borderline, all looking for that love. The journey has been tough, but I finally reached the place that I was seeking.

There were many difficult times. I had always been a naive person, I guess. I learned how terrible -- how heartless -- some people can be. I left a life of mediocrity in an attempt to find true happiness. Part of that journey included two years with a BPD. 

A Long Journey

In aggregate, a two year relationship with someone suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder isn't that long. I view the time as something that allowed me to grow into the person that I am now. Without that, I would be missing some critical elements of myself. Some critical elements that have helped with keeping my character more solid. 

Accepting Jesus as my savior helped me find this happiness, this love that I was seeking. Jennie also was a big part of finding this happiness, but our relationship is much more healthier than any that I ever been involved.

Along the journey, I lost friends -- they weren't true friends, so I'm not worried. My true friends stayed with me, and they have continued to be lifelong friends that have helped me when I needed them. 

Some said, "I don't envy what you have to go through," and they were gone (POOF!). They say that your friends are there for you even in your toughest times. So true.

I'm eternally grateful for my friends and family. They've continued to keep me moving forward, in the right direction, even when times were hardest.

You Will Survive
It won't be easy, but you will survive the journey. It will hurt -- you may feel pain like you've never hurt before. When it's over, if you do the work and work on yourself, understanding why you were in such a relationship, you can heal. It will take years -- you need to undo the pain and trauma that you experienced and also probably undo other trauma and pain that made you susceptible to a relationship with a borderline.

When all is done, you can survive. You can get through it and survive a relationship with a borderline. In the end, you can emerge a much more well-rounded person that is more content and happy -- much happier than when you were in the relationship with the borderline. 

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

How To Break Up With Someone Who Has BPD

This is probably the toughest thing to do -- break up with a borderline. It's tough for a number of reasons:

  1. If you've been in the relationship for a long time, you're addicted -- By nature, those in relationships with Borderlines suffer from an addiction to them. How do you break up with someone that you're addicted to?
  2. You're probably also afraid -- BPDs are downright scary people when they're hurt and angry. Who wants to meddle with an angry borderline?
  3. Your dreams are changing -- If you're like most that are in a relationship, we thought that our searching and looking for that partner was over. Now we're back out there.
These issues can make breaking up with a borderline impossible for some. It was for me.

Set a Timeline
In fact, I couldn't break up with her. I knew that she was dangerous, but I couldn't get myself away. Finally, the counselor told me to set a timeline if things don't change. I did. On my 37th birthday, I told her, "you have four weeks to get it together." She couldn't do it.

On the fourth week, I told her that I was going to have to move out.

Stick to Your Timeline
What did she do? She fought with me even more. The fighting was so bad that we couldn't really break up because we were too busy fighting and resolving issues. Finally, two weeks after I initially told her that I needed to go, I went and looked at a place to move.

I'll never forget the day that I went and looked at the place. I remember her looking at me and saying, "I don't want you to go."

I felt so bad for her. She seemed so innocent, so harmless. I told her, point blank, that I couldn't stay anymore; it was just too much turmoil and too dangerous for me and the kids. I told her that I would keep trying to put it back together with her, and if we could make it work, I'd move right back in, right away.

Up until the night before I last saw her, I used to say, "that's it. I'm moving back in tomorrow."

I never did.

Protect Yourself -- Be Prepared for The Fallout

A number of things can happen when you finally leave or terminate a relationship with a borderline:

  • They could come back to you, pleading for you to re-enter the relationship
  • They could rage at you, getting violent and trying to hurt you
  • They could play the victim and accuse you of hurting them, raping them, terrorizing them, or a multitude of other things where you were cruel to them to friends, family, the authorities or anyone else would listen
  • They could play the aggressor and hurt you, terrorize you or do a multitude of other things
  • They could admit that they have a problem and be willing to go into counseling
  • They could find somebody else that will have a relationship and leave you alone
There may be short term repercussions, and there may be longer term occurrences. It simply depends on the person.

Regardless, be prepared for the fallout. Assume that there will be fallout. These are people that think that you are good or bad -- remember, they think in terms of black and white. This is a gray world, but you're either good or bad, and considering that you just broke up with them, expect rage.

The Actual Breakup
Try to break up with the borderline in a public place. Try to have people around you -- maybe a coffee shop would be a good place so they cannot rage on you in public. Be sure that you tell others where you have gone, and have them call to follow up on you to see how things are going.

Prepare what you will say to the person. Prepare it exactly.
    • Try not to be too negative with many 'you' phrases, because if you do, the borderline will respond to all of your 'you' phrases in a defensive manner
    • Give the borderline the out so they can feel like the breakup is their decision. Saying something like, "you know that we've had real tough times in the's becoming clear that I'm not good for you." Making yourself the bad person in the situation will make the borderline feel much better about the decision and like they are saving face in this situation. They can then tell others, "they just weren't good for me. We talked about it and agreed."
    • Make sure that you have someone that you call when everything is over. Be sure to give them instructions to call you in a certain amount of time. 
    • I have heard of situations getting quite dangerous during these breakups, so be sure to be as safe as possible. Have someone ready to call the authorities if you fear that the situation could get violent. Agree that if they cannot get in touch with you or do not hear from you in a certain amount of time that they will call the police on your behalf.

Growing Relationship
Breaking up with a borderline is not easy. However, if you feel like the relationship is not progressing in a positive manner, get yourself out. There's no reason to stay. Relationships are meant to grow, not stagnate.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Borderline Smear Campaigns: How Much Can You Take?

One of the worst things about being in a relationship is a borderline smear campaign. These incidents will often destroy a person, their integrity, identity and all that is good about them. It often takes a person years to recover from a Borderline Smear Campaign once they've been attacked.

What Is a Borderline Smear Campaign?
By definition, these campaigns are efforts that BPDs take to destroy a person's name, their integrity, and their overall reputation:
- If you've told the Borderline anything in confidence, they will violate this confidence
- If you've done anything illegal, they will contact the authorities and tell them about your illegal doings
- If you owe anyone money, have any outstanding bad blood, have done anything wrong, they will take this and use it against you.

You get where I'm going here -- a Borderline Smear Campaign is a negative campaign where the BPD will air all of your wrongdoings, in front of as many people as possible to make you look as bad as possible.

The BPD that I was with always talked about Bob and how he was such a charming man, but an ugly man under the surface. After they broke up, she was sure that he was convicted of charges and forced to go to anger management classes. While this is an extreme case, and I'm not sure how much of what she told me is real, she happily dragged Bob and his name through the mud.

With me, she tried to contact my ex wife, contacted ex girlfriends and tried to smear my name in any way possible. She had also threatened to contact my work and say bad things about me (I'm not sure what she could say). I told her that such actions would have repercussions that she would not like, and she knew that I would take legal action against her. Looking back, I again feel terrible for letting someone treat me like this.

Borderlines are black and white thinkers. They can love you more than anyone else, but once they switch and you become an object of your rage, they want to destroy you at any cost. They feel so terrible that they want to ruin your life and are not afraid to do whatever it takes to ruin your life, hence feeling terrible like they do. Misery loves company.

Protect Yourself
If you think that your partner is borderline -- or even close to borderline -- be sure to protect yourself from a potential smear campaign. Don't tell the borderline in your life about anything that is potentially threatening or something that they can use in your life. I know, in a normal relationship, you disclose anything, but borderlines can and will use this information against you. If you choose to be in such a relationship, you must protect yourself.

If you suspect you may be the object of a Borderline Smear Campaign, be sure to document everything. If you must, hire an attorney to defend yourself as well-- they will be impartial and can help you get out of trouble that you, while you are so emotionally involved in the relationship, cannot comprehend.

When I was in the relationship with the BPD, I lived with her for over a year despite the fact that she was collecting Social Security as a widowed woman. If they had discovered that we lived together, she could have had her Social Security taken from her; once she realized that was the case, she knew that she could not disparage my name without repercussions.

It stinks -- you don't ever want to be in a relationship like this where you can't be honest and open. But if you're in the relationship and you want it to be healthy, you must establish healthy boundaries, where they cannot abuse you and smear your name.

Monday, December 14, 2009

BPD Intimacy: Can Borderlines Be Intimate?

I've thought quite a bit about this and asked myself this question quite a bit -- can you be intimate with a borderline?

Before we move too far down this path. Let's define intimacy. We all think that intimacy is sex, but that's not *true* intimacy. Anyone can have sex, particularly the sex that one has on pornographic movies where people are treated as objects.

Miriam-Webster defines intimacy as, "belonging to or characterizing one's deepest nature." This is what I'm addressing. While many think that sex is one's deepest nature, prostitutes, pornography and other avenues clearly show that this is not the case. Being truly intimate with others means that you must make yourself vulnerable.

Being Vulnerable
As someone who makes myself vulnerable to others, I now open myself up to being hurt, abused, treated poorly.

If I'm vulnerable to others, I also open myself up to being loved, treated with amazing respect and reverence, and held in high regard.

For many, being vulnerable is difficult, but if they understand how great the payoff, they would do it more often.

Borderlines loathe themselves, so they won't go beyond the surface with others. They do not want others to know their deepest thoughts and desires because they are so confused, so conflicted and so lost. They cannot make themselves vulnerable, because that fear of abandonment is such a strong motivator for them that they will not go there.

The Borderline's Mirror
The biggest problem with being in a relationship with a borderline is that they make you feel like you are intimate with them. You very well may be intimate with them. This is how they get you. You tell them your deepest dreams, desires and longings, and they mirror these back to you, validating that they too want the same things as you. You suddenly feel like you've met your soul mate.

With my ex BPD, she liked everything that I did:
- She liked the drinks that I drank
- She liked her food cooked the same way
- She liked the same types of houses and decorating
- She liked to ski
- She liked the same music

The list goes on. She wanted to retire in the same place as me, would go fishing with can see the pattern here.

This is how things seemed initially. Over time, she began resenting going fishing with me, would fight with me on the way to the ski slope about everything and anything, and caused constant turmoil.

In the end, the Borderline Mirror is just Smoke and Mirrors.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

BPD and Religion: Born Again or Not?

You'll see that many Borderlines are religious. Many aren't religious. Many BPDs are born again. And again. And again. Many never go near religion.

It's a tough one, religion and borderlines. My ex BPD was raised by her parents -- one was Jewish, the other was Methodist. We spoke about going to church, thought that we had found a church to attend, but never did actually attend.

The Supernatural
The BPD thought that she was quite spiritual; in fact, she said that she would actually have premonitions. Before her husband died, she said that she had a feeling that he was going to die.

From what I saw with her, she did not have any type of spiritual insight. In fact, she was so all-over-the-place that she had 1,000 "premonitions" a day -- if one of them came to fruition, she suddenly felt like she was psychic.

I've covered this before, but the BPD's anxieties were all over the place. She looked at the world, particularly our relationship, so negatively that she found negative things to cite.

The Borderline actually sought the experience of many outside psychics. She contacted one famous psychic and spent over $700 USD to get her input on her husband's death and if Bob was a good person in her life. She actually had a CD of the recording -- the woman tells her that she's going to live to be 88, blah blah blah but gives her no input on the Bob in her life, or the Robert as she asked. It was a silly way to spend $700 in my opinion.

She went to another psychic that told her that she was going to meet her next husband in the timeframe when she met me. This one died after they met in-person in New York City.

Aaaaaah, the drama. Nothing like a little borderline drama to keep things exciting.

Devout Followers
When Borderlines get involved in religion, they get quite involved and will be extreme. Some say that BPDs are inclined to join cults and other extreme groups.

In Christianity, Borderlines will most likely be extremely evangelical followers. One BPD said that she was Born Again -- twice, stating, "I always left the door open for Jesus, even when I wasn't going to church."

Borderlines like the structure that religion brings. The Bible is black and white, so the BPD can have understandable rules that they follow, provided their partners support religion and the church. Overall, it's good for BPDs as it gives them structure and rules to live by.

If you have a BPD in your life and want to help the relationship, attending a local church and joining a religion may help quiet some of the turbulent times. Think about it, and see if it can work for you.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Borderline's I Hate You: Is BPD Hatred Real?

I'll never forget the first time that the BPD said I hate you to me. I think it was accompanied by a right hook.

I wasn't used to people saying that they hate me. By practice, I never say those words for a number of reasons, but primarily because it is such a hurtful thing to say to another human being. The word hatred is also such a strong word that it's quite painful for the recipient.

Black and White Thinking
In the BPD's world, hatred is a simple thing. Given that they think in terms of black and white, everything is either great or terrible. So, they either love or hate things, including people. There is no grey thinking the borderline world.

The BPD will react as strongly as the words Hate also describe. That's how I was hit by the BPD when she was telling me that she hated me. It was the hardest I had ever been hit, like someone had knocked my block off.

When you go back and look at all of these things that you took, that you accepted, a part of you feels so shameful that you cannot even tell others, and you cannot write about it. You shut it out.

That part, without a doubt, is part of the Post Traumatic Stress disorder. Look for more of this in upcoming posts.

As a Christian who has a humanistic outlook on life, I don't try to hate anything. I don't think that I hate anything at all. However, in the underdeveloped mind of a borderline that thinks black and white, hatred is a common and usual term.

Two years ago, when I was emailing the BPD back and forth after she had stormed away from me, she had written "I hate you" fifty different ways.

I wrote "I love you" fifty different ways, and she wrote "I hate you." Now there's contrast.

It's the language we use. Most of us that live in the world of grays; most of us that live in a world of goodness would find that the word hate not an acceptable world.

When you think from a black and white perspective, it's all about you. Hating someone is normal. So, BPD hatred is real from the perspective of the borderline. Everyone that lives in their world also feels the wrath of BPD hatred, so it's real for them too.

Friday, December 11, 2009

BPD Nails on the Back: Borderline Anxiety

I had forgotten about the nails on the back until I started to recount the Miami story and how the BPD had broken up with me when I was traveling in Miami. One of the most memorable things that came out of that entire exchange -- and something that created continual conversations throughout the relationship -- was the nails on the back incident.

The Breakup and Fallout 
Like I had indicated, I was traveling in Miami on a Thursday when the BPD had broken up with me, and was scheduled to fly out of Miami on Friday morning. I left Miami dejected and went to my soon-to-be-ex wife's house. She was going out with friends, so I had agreed to watch our children.

She came home early -- around 10 p.m. With nothing to do and far from my home, I went out myself, heading to the local bar. I met up with an old friend of mine. As usual, he was quite inebriated.

The town in which I had lived with my ex wife was one of those towns where everyone acts proper, very few divorce, and everyone puts on their best faces all of the time. Divorcing in a town like that is not only out-of-the-ordinary -- it's also looked down on. My ex wife lost friends when we separated. They weren't her friends anyway, but she never realized that.

When I was out, I actually met the divorced counterculture that lived in the town -- there was a group of maybe ten folks that were there, all divorced. It was surprising. Anyway, back to the story.

As I was leaving with my friend (who could not drive anymore because of his multiple Driving While Intoxicated charges), we ran into my ex wife's cousin. She was drunk and came up to me and hugged me.

As she hugged me, she reached under my back and scratched my back with her nails. It happened so quickly that I don't remember exactly what or how it happened; frankly I never looked at my back so I'm not sure how bad it was. In fact, maybe it never happened.

I remember thinking when the whole event occurred, if I was still with her (the BPD), she would freak. So, something must have happened.

Back With The Borderline
The BPD broke up with me on Thursday. We traded emails on Thursday, Friday and Saturday, then on Sunday she called me. She told me that she didn't want the relationship to be over. So, we talked and agreed to go out on Monday night. I had the kids for the weekend and brought them back on Monday night, meeting with the BPD after dropping the kids off.

We went out, and things were good overall. When we went out, I remember her having anxiety when I went to bathroom, afraid that I was sending text messages to someone. How silly. So, I gave her my cell phone and said, "here, hold it while I go."

Looking back, how ridiculous.

She never said anything initially about seeing nails on my back until much later, as far as I remember. She never said, "what are those nail marks on your back?" But eventually, her anxiety flared and she freaked about it. When I was gone and away from her, the nails on my back were suddenly an enormous issue. I eventually told her what happened, but to the day we broke up, she told me that I never told her the truth. Some of her theories:

  • After we broke up, I went out in Miami and met someone who scratched my back
  • I got it from someone that I met when I got back
  • It was a slough of people -- my ex wife, my coworkers, you name it

No Win
When she first asked me about the nails, I told her, "you broke up with me; it doesn't matter who it was. Don't break up with me again." She eventually got into me and I told her, but that didn't matter.

The bottom line is that it didn't matter. Breaking up with someone then continuing the relationship, over and over, is a form of abuse. I was trying to protect myself. She had to keep pushing the boundaries because of her amazing insecurities.

To the last day that I saw her, she always brought up the nails on the back incident. She told me that she never would trust me because of this.

She never could trust herself, so trusting me was downright impossible.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Goodbye My Lover: BPD Breakup Song

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your hand.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Chorus (2x)
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer and when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Chorus (2x)
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.

Chorus (2x)
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

This was the song that the Borderline listened to over and over again after we first broke up the first time, three weeks into the relationship. You can see that this is way too much for a young relationship to handle. It's just too much.

This is the song you sing to someone that you've been married with, or have been with a number of years, not three weeks.

I should have known, but such adoration is tough to turn down.

Miami: Top Ten Signs That You're Dating a Borderline Continued

Looking back, I should have known that she was a borderline based on the signs from the very beginning. I was falling hard for this girl, but she continued to throw me signals that she was shaky if not completely unstable.

I refused to listen and heed the warning signs. They were huge flags.

Sign Five: Feeling Like You're Always Proving Something to Someone, But It's Never Enough
One of the main reasons why I continued in the relationship is because the BPD was accusing me of such wild things that were so out of my character to even consider, that I first did not know how to respond but second felt like I was proving myself to this person.

I hadn't felt like this before, to this extent, and it was strange. The BPD constantly made me feel like I had to prove my trustworthiness to her.

This is where I should have known something was wrong. Trust is not something you earn. It's something that's given in time, but you still provide basic trust for people. Borderlines trust then take it away without reason. They're so unsure of themselves that they can't trust themselves, let alone anyone else.

Sign Six: Constant Scrutiny
We were to celebrate Valentines Day together, then I was scheduled to fly to Miami for business the next morning. I stopped on the long three hour drive from Delaware (where I lived) to New Jersey (where she lived) to purchase some travel luggage and to buy her a Valentine's Day card.

I rushed to the bar where we had planned on meeting, and she was there with her friend, Dawn. She was upset but keeping her cool. Later, she queried me as to what took me so long, and I had to explain myself to the point of telling her that I had to stop and get a present for her.

We went to dinner and had a decent dinner; when I went to the bathroom during dinner, I was accused of sending text messages to others. I was not happy at all about that, but again, I was trying to prove myself to her.

Sign Seven: Being Told That You're Never Good Enough
I flew out the next morning, and once I landed and got ready for the show, she started again. She told me that the present that I got her wasn't good enough and that my card was not acceptable. Something to the fact that I hadn't asked what her kids' favorite colors (I retorted that I'm the kind of person that asks the kids myself what their favorite colors are). After I got her through her anxiety for Wednesday night, I went to sleep late so I could wake for a day full of meetings, starting at 6:45.

My day's meetings on Wednesday were difficult, but I got through them. We had planned on staying for Wednesday then Thursday, and fly back on Friday morning. We spoke all night on Wednesday, and on Thursday we sent text messages to one another through part of the day. Until it all changed.

Sign Eight: Things Can Be Going Well, Then They Will Change Into Hateful People
We were sending text messages to one another and I told her that I ran into someone that I went to high school with. Her anxiety must have flown through the roof, but she suddenly lost control and broke up with me.

What did she say? I remember it to this day: You're lying to me about someone that you went to high school with. I can't be with someone who can't be truthful. When I go out tonight with my friends, I'm just going to tell them that it didn't work out

Huh? I was dumbfounded. Again. Real upset.

I called Chris and talked to him. When we discussed, he said to me, "she might be the most dangerous one yet...just promise me that you won't talk to her anymore."

That's why I love that guy. He's always looking out for my best interest, even when I'm not. We all need friends like this.

I didn't listen. I sent her an email at 8 pm laying into her. She sent me an email responding something like, "you have troubles and were going to treat me poorly. I can help you. Let me help you with your problems. " (note: she didn't say those words exactly -- it's been four years, so give me some leniency with the stories)

Sign Nine: Crazy Talk About How You're Mistreating Them

I responded, "I don't need any help, I'm just fine thank you." From there, we traded emails every day for the next few days. She continued to tell me how I was so bad, and I continued to defend myself. This continued from Thursday night into Friday and Saturday. We finally spoke on Sunday.

Sign Ten: After Treating You So Poorly, They Come Back To You

She called me on Sunday, telling me that she thought about us and wanted us to try again. She had listened to a song off the CD that I had given her for Valentine's Day, and wasn't ready to let go yet.

So, we went back out and re-established the relationship. However, the first night we spent back together was interesting. In an upcoming post, learn about the Nails.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

The Top Ten Signs That You're Dating A Borderline

I forgot about this story, a story that happened nearly four years ago now. Four years. My recollection of it is pretty fuzzy, as you block these things out, but I'll tell it as I can best remember it.

The BPD and I had our first date at the end of January, 2006. It was a great date. We had our second date a week and a half later, as I had business the following week (I was the guest of honor for a Fishing Convention -- pretty awesome). Our second date was also great. By the end of the week, we had agreed to "be exclusive." Strange but cool.

Sign One: Not Genuine Conversation or Communication
Looking back, I don't remember every having such a conversation with Jennie -- being exclusive, that is. When you know, you know. You don't have to have a contrived conversation. But anyway, for some, I guess it's necessary.

In the fishing business, the winter is your busiest time. You're busy promoting your magazine, hustling from show to show. So that weekend, I had to stay down in Delaware and go to a couple of events. I was speaking at one event and attending another, so I was real busy. The borderline had her kids but had a wine tasting event -- I later learned that this was a singles event -- what didn't matter. We were in a new relationship, had just agreed to be exclusive, so I had no reason not to trust her.

Sign Two: Excessive Alcohol (or Drug) Use
I spoke with the Borderline the next day after her event. She sent me a text when she was at the event telling me that she was playing the tambourine for the band, then I didn't hear from her.

The next morning, she told me that she got so drunk that she had to get a ride home from a woman that was also attending the event. She was with her friends and they were going out in Morristown after the event, but she was too drunk. So, this woman gave her a ride home.

I believed everything she said because we had just agreed to be exclusive -- why would she not tell me the truth? Was she truthful? Doesn't matter -- if she was or was not truthful, that's her issue, not mine and not mine to worry about.

Sign Three: Constant Deflection, Devaluation and Rage
The following day, we talk. I have a meeting in the morning where I'm speaking, then I have lunch at my favorite bar and club, Seacrets. I'm the only person there, but I learn that they're having a great formal event that night. I tell the borderline that she should come down so we could go to the event together. She rages, and accuses me of having a date for the event.

Huh? I just agreed to be exclusive with you. Anyway, she calms down.

In the evening, I'm having dinner by myself at the local pizza place, and sending her text messages. Saying that I wishes that she was here with me so we could go to the event together.

The BPD suddenly rages on me, telling me that she KNOWS that I'm there right now and not to talk to her anymore. I try to call her to discuss and she's not answering the phone. I try to call her periodically throughout the night, and she never answers the phone.

Again, for all that I know, she could have gone out. I don't know.

I promised myself that night that I would never go to sleep again feeling like that. I had no clue what I was in for in the next two years. I wish I had kept that promise to myself -- I then knew how crazy the situation was.

Sign Four: Healthy Boundary Violation and Constant Testing

The next morning, she calls me and starts accusing me of going out. I told her that I didn't and that I tried to call her all night, emailing her as well. She told me that I could have sent the emails from my car on my laptop, to which I responded that I called her from my house phone.

After she realized how much she had screwed up, she apologized and said, "just delete all the emails and forget last night happened." I did.

We had scheduled to see each other for Valentines Day, right before I was leaving for Miami on business. Learn about what happened in Maimi and the Nails in the next posting.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Heaven When We're Home

Heaven When We're Home (Ruth Moody)

Don't know what time it is, I've been up for way too long
and I'm too tired to sleep
I call my mother on the phone, she wasn't home,
and now I'm wondering the street
I've been a fool, I've been cruel to myself
I've been hanging onto nothing
when nothing could be worse than hanging on
And something tells me there must be
something better than all this

I've fallen many times in love and every time
it's been with the wrong man
Still I'm out there living one day at a time
and doing the best I can
Cuz we've all made mistakes
that seem to lead us astray
But every time they helped to get us where we are today
And that's a good a place as any
and it's probably where we're best off anyway

It's a long and rugged road
and we don't now where it's headed
But we know it's going to get us where we're going
And when we find what we're looking for
we'll drop these bags and search no more
'Cuz it's going to feel like heaven when we're home
It's going to feel like heaven when we're home

There's no such thing as perfect,
and if there is we'll fnd it when we're good and dead
Trust me I've been looking
bu tonight I think I'll go and take a bath instead
And then maybe I'll walk a while
and feel the earth beneath me
They say if you stop looking
it doesn't matter if you find it
And whose to say that even if I did
it's what I'm really looking for

It's a long and rugged road
and we don't now where it's headed
But we know it's going to get us where we're going
And when we find what we're looking for
we'll drop these bags and search no more
'Cuz it's going to feel like heaven when we're home
It's going to feel like heaven when we're home

The Wailin' Jennies
From Their Album 40 Days

It is a long and rugged road. I now view the relationship with the borderline as necessary for my development and for becoming the person that I am today. It was difficult when it's necessary.I've found a wonderful life, and I can be thankful for this.