Thursday, December 3, 2009

Borderderline Personality Devaluation: Unexplainable Criticism

So many Nons that are in relationships with Borderlines know the drill -- life is great, the world is wonderful, they are living on Cloud 9, then you could snap your fingers -- just snap them, and the Borderline Personality begins to rip into you. They say things like "I hate you," sometimes over and over again.

For me, those words are the worst. "I hate you." What a hurtful thing to say to someone else. I have never said those words to anyone else. I don't think I've really ever said those words about someone else.

This is the Borderline's trademark. Out of nowhere, an "I hate you," comes flying at you, often for what you think is no reason.

After breaking up, the most disconcerting thing for me was the fact that we went from being so close, so comfortable with one another, to absolutely no contact. When we did have contact with one another (which was via text message or email), it initially was a lot of "I miss you."

Then, it became quite adversarial right in front of your eyes. You could have snapped your fingers -- again, ye ole vengeance switch.

These are people that we put all of our faith, all of our trust, all of our everything into, and they treat us like dirtballs. They tell us that they hate us, they kick us, they beat us, they tell us that our children are mental patients. They say hurtful things that we must endure.

We just can't figure it out.

Feeling Too Much?

Interviews with Borderlines has indicated that they are, in fact, feeling too much -- they have such a heightened state of awareness and sensitivity to their environment that they just can't handle it. So, when they have some kind of stiumuli--any kind of stimuli, whether it be a situation, something that another person has said, a song, a smell, a feeling, they react. The Nons in their life are blindsided.

Hypersensitivity could be a reason for Borderline Personality devaluation. The Borderline could just feel bad and threatened that the Non is taking advantage of them. It's tough, because their responses can be so extreme that they are downright abusive.

Abusive Relationship

That's the ultimate problem -- if you are in a relationship with a Borderline, you're in an abusive relationship. They put their misery on you, often blame you for their misery, treat you inappropriately, and have no idea what they're doing.

They hurt you. They scar you.

I'm going on two years of no contact with The Borderline, and while I've healed, I still carry scars of abuse. It's strange, but I know that they're there.

I had never been kicked out of somewhere that I lived. Ever. Suddenly, I'm staying with my parents -- something that I hadn't done in 20 years, because a borderline kicked me out.

Making Good Out of Bad

The relationship left me at my lowest ever. Just read some of my posts from 2007 and you'll see what I mean. In time, I was able to put it back together.

The best thing that came out of my recovery was the relationship that I began with Jesus Christ. I was raised Catholic but hadn't started to have a personal relationship with Jesus. Being so broken, so full of shame, feeling so low made me go back to church and ultimately begin this relationship.

If you feel broken and lost, you may have a God Shaped Hole in your life. Take a look and think about it. Learn more about starting a relationship with Jesus here.

You can recover from a relationship with a Borderline Personality. BPD Relationship Recovery can be difficult, but it's doable. You can survive a borderline breakup and thrive. You may have scars. You can, however, make life more enjoyable than ever before. It's up to you.


  1. I think I'm still coming to terms with the ending of my relationship to a man with bpd. It's been months but these relationships literally can break you. I too went from this closeness of hopefully we're going to get it right to no contact. Then some I miss you's for months that turned into accusations if I responded. It's a hard road. My relationships was full of dramatic highs and loving moments to accusations out of nowhere and name calling. I never called him one name. I got called so many that I can't get them out of my head. Small things would set him off. But then he accused everyone else of doing what he did. It is an abusive relationship being with someone with bpd who rages and degrades you then expects you to get over it in one evening. I couldn't build any goodwill with my ex because I lost so much trust and security being with him. I had to keep one eye open and watch for his mood. I also had to stop talking about myself for fear that anything I said would be used againtst me. One time I told him I had a bad day at work, and he accused me of being crazy. He said "I hate you" then a few hours said "I love you." I didn't know which way was up and he didn't understand what he did to my psyche and esteem. He just couldn't see it. If I cried about his name calling, he then called me a mess. He didn't get it. This is a hard journey but I am walking it.

  2. I got told many times 'i hate you '& i noticed a pattern with this, it was usually when all the attention wasnt on him or i didnt sing and dance to his every whim & believe me he had a lot off whims ! if i tried to claw back a day on my own to gather my thoughts or go out with a friend etc then the abuse would start hurling, normally via a txt or email never on the actuall telephone
    ohhh yes iam so glad iam out off this madness now

  3. I was pushed to the limit so many times. I've stayed with friends and relatives,bedsits and hotels. This was becoming humiliating for me and didn't he just know it! By the way, the house we shared was mine!!! Eventually i'd no where to run. My friends and family were sick of me returning to him and i was ashamed going back to him time and time again. The day i left for good i drove to the police station,i was in such an emotional state. They gave me a phone to call Womans Aid. I can't speak highly enough of them. Great organization and very much needed. He(BPD) constantly text me with lots of his vile thoughts. That was over a year ago and i'm still recovering. The last text i received from him was the end of August past. I'm not half the woman i once was but every day makes me stronger and hopefully soon i will be a new woman,even better than the woman he destroyed.

  4. I totally agree. The extreme mood shifts are what initially drew me to look into BPD. We could be having a good time doing something then BAM. Something trivial that a 'normal' person wouldnt even give a second thought to she would go banannas over. Her reaction didnt fit my offense.
    Reminds me of a song from an obscure 'one-hit-wonder' called Snap your fingers - Snap your neck. I laugh every time I read snap your fingers in text now, because thats how Id think of it. Youd snap your fingers and the mood would shift so fast it would snap your neck.

  5. I'm recently (after round 3) a month out of an on again, off again relationship with a woman I believe has BPD. I still honestly can say I love her despite everything. During our 2 years, we had an affair together and I divorced, then moved in with her, broke up and moved out, showed up at her house after a couple of months cause "I was in pain" and we got back together, she's swallowed sleeping pills and spent a week in the hospital, she knew how to push my buttons and I raged like I had never before, police were involved 3 times in one week with one incident involving her cutting here wrist with a broken glass. When we initially met she was sleeping with multiple partners, is amazingly beautiful and sexy (and asian to boot). Honestly the best sex I've ever had with someone. After each break up she would immediately go to sleep with someone else, a former ex lover. After the second time she went to him the day we broke up and while I was still living in our shared house trying to find a place to move to. She then lied when I asked her because my gut told me. 2 weeks later she was asking me to pick her up to get a rental car on the day I was moving out. Then she asked me to sleep with her, which I did, then it was was watching her dog while she went on a trip we had planned. Then she left again and said I had made her go to him and that this recent interaction didn't mean anything. She trashed my name with our mutual friends, called my work and left a message for my boss about me. After the last two months of us being apart I still was trying to make amends by fixing a laptop I had broken of hers in my rage at her, despite her not even acknowledging that she had broken mine also or ever attempting to fix anything. I sent a txt one night telling her it was done and she called me back and asked me to pick her up from a party she was at, I did and we had the best sex ever. I found out she had left the party of the lover she had on his birthday! She reeled me in saying he did not make her wet and I did, and laughed saying the poor guy thought it was his fault. After a rocky few months she broke things off for the third time, leaving me devastated again, she however was cold and distant. I went crazy contacting her, but she just ignored me completely. I discovered that she was not spending the night at her house immediately after our break up which hurt even more. I've done and said things to her that I never would have imagined me saying or doing in such a hurtful way. I have times thought I was the one with BPD, despite having sought out therapy and been psychologically tested. When I begged her to just tell me she didn't love me because I needed to hear it to move on, cause at this point "I" was the one stalking and harassing her she texted, "I don't love you" and then added "you pissed it all away! She has had issues with anxiety and health problems that would lay her low, she told me once she could not be alone, I feel addicted to her. She is uncanny in that she appears to be a high functioning, attractive, sexual woman, but has issues in all areas of her life from legal to finances. She made comments about why men thought they all had a chance to hook up with her when she "just" wanted to be friends. I'm doing all I can to avoid the next contact she makes with me and end this cycle. And on another note, despite her saying she needed to move on without me she still has several of my things (which I honestly don't expect back) even while I gave her everything back. She left right before the holidays and just as I lost my license do to a DWI I received during out last breakup, despite having recently told me she would be there for me. I'd drop everything for her to consul her when she had problems, even calling in sick or leaving work. let me know what you think dtbruning at

  6. the worst for me was experiencing myself behave like i have bpd. being treated like i was always to blame for all of our problems. i am so wrecked and she is just angry and vengeful and mean.

  7. Reading this page really hits home to me. The lady I've been seeing for the last nine months has spun round on me so many times, I barely know what to feel now.

    To cut a long story short, I first met her a few years back, and we became firm friends, with my visiting her often. This eventually tirned into a passionate fling that lasted a few months until, unwilling to leave her current relationship (itself an affair with a neglectful and clearly narcissist type), she ended it, on what she later described on the best night of her life. It was pretty good TBH and I was left quite crushed by it.

    It took me a long time to come to terms with that but with the help of good friends and a stable quiet life, I was doing ok but with very little romance in my life. Then I met her again. She had finally quit the last relationship, moved from miles away to just a few minutes from my home and was apparently well-up for knowing me again.

    Initially it was bliss, with all the excitement, closeness and shared goals/hopes and dreams you could expect, so we got our lives in line quickly and were almost a functional couple within weeks.

    Then, one morning after a fine romantic night she pulled back and told me she "loved me but that didn't mean I was her lover" and this started a continuing cycle of her devaluing our relationship, then building it all up again that has continued till today. Each time with more and more complications and insecurities emerging (which again contribute to my concern about BPD) Certainly it has been less violent or traumatic than many of the examples here (so far only one major row) but the similarities are obvious and the pattern and affect on myself is much the same.

    Again, after a period of increasing closeness, she has recently devalued me but has just lovingly apologised for "using me" and wants to be seeing me again soon.

  8. I was in a relationship with a bp and he out of the blue strangled me about a jelousy issue from 3 months prior. I'm lucky to be alive and I'm now understanding what a person with bp does emotionally and can do physically. They get in your head and will tear you up day by day.


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