Monday, December 7, 2009

The Final Date

Two years ago today, we had our last date. The last time that we were together, and what a date it was.

We had a lot of fun on the date, between the accusations that she made throughout the night. We got real drunk -- almost like our first date.

NYC Bar Hopping

We had planned on going to New York City -- something that we had never done together, although we live within an hour's drive of the City. When she got to my place, the accusations began: "It seems like you're rushing to put your Christmas tree up, when you said that you were doing this all day; what were you doing?" Looking back, these accusations were so ridiculous as I had my kids all day long. She was either so insecure or projecting so much guilt for things that she had done wrong that she just couldn't handle it. It was probably a combination of both.

After getting through the first accusation, we drove into the city. As we were heading into the Holland Tunnel, her second accusation was launched. I'm not sure what it was about, but she accused me of something bad -- something crazy bad -- as we headed into the tunnel. I think she told me that I knew this drive too well and probably had done this with someone else recently.

This is a perfect example of BPD anxiety gone off the charts. I was totally into this woman, and had told her this over and over again. It didn't matter. We were starting to separate our lives, and her anxiety and accusations had gone crazy.

Once she got over the tunnel accusation and anxiety, we got into the city and parked. Ironically, she told me where to go. I didn't know where I was, but we ended up in Greenwich Village. We went to the first bar and had our first drink where she launched the next accusation. She began questioning me about my whereabouts the night when we had last planned to be together, which was a week earlier. I had tried to get her out to meet me, but she wouldn't come as she was too angry with me. When I told her that I was coming over, she said, "if you come over here, I'm calling the police."

That's when I backed off and didn't come over. I didn't respond to her accusations, and we went to another bar. Seems like when the alcohol flowed with the BPD, life was good.

Village Party

While we were on our partying around New York City, we walked from the Village up to Union Square, went to a champagne bar (and split a bottle of champagne), then had thai at a restaurant off the square, then walked back down into the village, stopping at a couple choice bars along the way.

Partially Learned Behaviors

During the bar hopping excursion, she told me that she had been discussing the relationship with her parents. They said, "you have to figure out what's the problem here," which she said that she wanted to respond, "it's you guys and what you taught me."

That was the only time that it became clear that her behaviors were partially learned behaviors and clearly passed down from her parents. We all carry the weight of our parents' relationship and whatever dysfunction that it had, and she was clearly carrying some of this. The advice that she gave her came from judgemental people that had hardened hearts. They viewed the world from such a pessimistic perspective that it was sad. I always felt for her mother who had lost a brother when she was a child, under her watch. That must have been quite traumatizing, and the reason why she drank bottles of wine on a daily basis.

We went to about six or seven bars in total that night, and we had drank so much that there was a point where I had recommended staying in the city. I stopped drinking and sobered up while she kept drinking. We drove home after that, where she slept, then stayed over.

Tomorrow, learn about the final discussion that we had before she left for good, and I didn't chase her.

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