Thursday, December 17, 2009

In the Beginning (or End)...

I sat in Bangkok's Siam Square in November, 2003 and watched all the people of the world come together. I watched them sit in this tropical environment on a regular Sunday, people shopping and just walking through the area, a Sony Jumbotron on the side of a building.

It was different than I had ever experienced -- the only place where I had seen a huge monitor on the side of a building was New York City's Time Square, which has such a busy, fast-paced environment. Siam Square had one two-lane road going through it, with people mostly dominating the area. There was a large fountain in the square, and people could sit on the fountain and watch the monitor, which was playing music. It was a casual, calm, laid back area, more like a market than a city. There were some buddhists praying on the edge of the square, and people of all walks of life were in this square.

The following song came onto the monitor, in video form, with music playing. I watched all of the people that were in this area -- literally hundreds of people, from all walks of life, Europeans, Asians, Thais, Africans, Americans, Hispanics, sing the chorus of this song (this is the Black Eyed Peas' Where Is The Love? I've cut parts of it for length):

Where Is The Love?
What's wrong with the world, mama
People livin' like they ain't got no mamas
I think the whole world addicted to the drama
Only attracted to things that'll bring you trauma
Overseas, yeah, we try to stop terrorism
But we still got terrorists here livin'
In the USA, the big CIA
The Bloods and The Crips and the KKK
But if you only have love for your own race
Then you only leave space to discriminate
And to discriminate only generates hate
And when you hate then you're bound to get irate, yeah
Madness is what you demonstrate
And that's exactly how anger works and operates
Man, you gotta have love just to set it straight
Take control of your mind and meditate
Let your soul gravitate to the love, y'all, y'all

People killin', people dyin'
Children hurt and you hear them cryin'
Can you practice what you preach
And would you turn the other cheek

Father, Father, Father help us
Send some guidance from above
'Cause people got me, got me questionin'
Where is the love (Love)

It just ain't the same, always unchanged
New days are strange, is the world insane
If love and peace is so strong
Why are there pieces of love that don't belong
Nations droppin' bombs
Chemical gasses fillin' lungs of little ones
With ongoin' sufferin' as the youth die young
So ask yourself is the lovin' really gone
So I could ask myself really what is goin' wrong
In this world that we livin' in people keep on givin' in
Makin' wrong decisions, only visions of them dividends
Not respectin' each other, deny thy brother
A war is goin' on but the reason's undercover
The truth is kept secret, it's swept under the rug
If you never know truth then you never know love
Where's the love, y'all, come on (I don't know)

People killin', people dyin'
Children hurt and you hear them cryin'
Can you practice what you preach
And would you turn the other cheek

Father, Father, Father help us
Send some guidance from above
'Cause people got me, got me questionin'
Where is the love (Love)

I feel the weight of the world on my shoulder
As I'm gettin' older, y'all, people gets colder
Most of us only care about money makin'
Selfishness got us followin' our wrong direction
Wrong information always shown by the media
Negative images is the main criteria
Infecting the young minds faster than bacteria
Kids wanna act like what they see in the cinema
Yo', whatever happened to the values of humanity
Whatever happened to the fairness in equality
Instead in spreading love we spreading animosity
Lack of understanding, leading lives away from unity
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin' under
That's the reason why sometimes I'm feelin' down
There's no wonder why sometimes I'm feelin' under
Gotta keep my faith alive till love is found

- The Black Eyed Peas 

Setting The Stage for The BPD Relationship
We all have moments in our lives where we look at what we've done, who we are, and decide to make changes. I realized how big the world truly is and how we're all so different, yet we're the same. We all sing and look for exactly the same thing.

We all want love.

I wanted love, and I wasn't getting the love I wanted or needed. I'll never forget that moment as it is still burned in my mind. I watched the world come together and deliver a message to me.

What an amazing moment. How special, how warm, how loving that scene was. Something that you feel honored to be a part of, it was given to me. I was so lost, and they told me that I needed that love.

I wanted to be a new person. A different person. I didn't even know all of the changes that I wanted to make, but I wanted change. Big change. I wanted to become a new person, a better person, a transformed person.

I made changes when I got back from Thailand. My then wife and I separated, and I began a tumultuous journey which has lasted for over five years. 

Tough Times
All the shame I felt, all the guilt I was shedding, all the self-loathing literally set the stage for my entering the relationship with the Borderline. After being in the dysfunctional marriage for so many years where verbal abuse was the norm, a relationship with a borderline isn't that strange.

Of course, looking back, I can't believe what I went through.

I went through a divorce, then entered the relationship with the borderline, all looking for that love. The journey has been tough, but I finally reached the place that I was seeking.

There were many difficult times. I had always been a naive person, I guess. I learned how terrible -- how heartless -- some people can be. I left a life of mediocrity in an attempt to find true happiness. Part of that journey included two years with a BPD. 

A Long Journey

In aggregate, a two year relationship with someone suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder isn't that long. I view the time as something that allowed me to grow into the person that I am now. Without that, I would be missing some critical elements of myself. Some critical elements that have helped with keeping my character more solid. 

Accepting Jesus as my savior helped me find this happiness, this love that I was seeking. Jennie also was a big part of finding this happiness, but our relationship is much more healthier than any that I ever been involved.

Along the journey, I lost friends -- they weren't true friends, so I'm not worried. My true friends stayed with me, and they have continued to be lifelong friends that have helped me when I needed them. 

Some said, "I don't envy what you have to go through," and they were gone (POOF!). They say that your friends are there for you even in your toughest times. So true.

I'm eternally grateful for my friends and family. They've continued to keep me moving forward, in the right direction, even when times were hardest.

You Will Survive
It won't be easy, but you will survive the journey. It will hurt -- you may feel pain like you've never hurt before. When it's over, if you do the work and work on yourself, understanding why you were in such a relationship, you can heal. It will take years -- you need to undo the pain and trauma that you experienced and also probably undo other trauma and pain that made you susceptible to a relationship with a borderline.

When all is done, you can survive. You can get through it and survive a relationship with a borderline. In the end, you can emerge a much more well-rounded person that is more content and happy -- much happier than when you were in the relationship with the borderline. 


  1. I'm over a year in recovery now. It's not been easy to say the least. I moved house and therefore landline phone number,i also binned my mobile. Recently there have been calls to my works mobile,which i have not changed,from a with-held number. The first was a couple of weeks ago,i picked up,someone was there but did not speak then hung up. It was a Tuesday evening at 8.45. The Sunday that followed there was a call from a with-held number. This time a woman spoke or rather ranted at me that my number was on her phone and who was i and why did i phone her. I told her i had not used my phone on the day she specified and i would not tell her who i was. She was irrate and i new this was nothing to do with a missed call on her phone. She was raging at me to tell her who i was but i would not. She hung up.He is with someone now and i know that he will be doing to her what he did to me. I believe it was her on the phone. I will get better. Not by entering into another relationship but by getting to know me and my worth. The BPD will move on to another relationship,they are parasites. I see a councillor and i'm on medication. He did this to me and will do it to her. It's criminal. There should be a register of them to protect us NONS.

  2. good song
    also there new song called halfway is good

    meet me halfway !

  3. really some rough stuff. just getting out of one that lasted but 5 or 6 months. I have spent the better part of 15 years working on myself, growing and evolving. I am also a giver by nature, with a borderline you get forced into a fixer/thinker role. Their ability to mimic whatever it is you desire or need at times is astounding. This has been the most traumatic experience in my life beyond the dead people, guns in my face, etc...this experience shook my core that i believed to be unshakeable. Alas we learn. I am scared stiff, intimacy issues, all the triggers to deal with, fear, questioning my integrity/morals/ realize I am okay, not perfect but really a decent creature. Flip flopping between a deep love, but it was a reflection of my own views of self etc...and fear/disdain that people can be allowed to go out and do this to people who have good intentions. I tremble, but i will let go, it will take years to heal and parts of me, innocent loving parts have been stolen and destroyed, i will do my best to rebuild. Thanks for sharing so much. read 75-80% of the posts and it always scares me to see how similar everyones experience is. I am understanding of the BPD folk, but just as everyone in the world has to learn and fight for themselves, they should as well. Like allowing psychological vampires or psychological terrorists run free, sucking the unaware and innocent ones dry. Then one day you wake up and remove yourself from the cycle. It all seems like such a terrible nightmare. but alas we move on, slow and steady. always wondering what had happened, how could we have been so blind. but part of us is missing. that love that we had for ourselves that was reflected is now somehow stolen away or deformed. away with mirrors. we continue to rebuild.

  4. I've been reading your posts non-stop since I found your blog. It is so familiar it is supportive. I spend so much time trying to 'figure out' what happened in my relationship, that your experiences are very validating.

    I too have experienced the intense manipulation, jealousy and insecurity from being with a borderline. It took me 7 years to call her on her anxiety issues which I so readily took on.

    I eventually hit a point where I could see it didn't add up. I always knew it in my gut, from the first date in fact. I got hooked though. Not to play the victim, I know I participated in the drama.

    Thought I would share one of the biggest incidents. I took her to a wedding (which always resulted in a big production) where I was MC'ing. (also common). On this particular occasion, she said she felt sick as soon as the ceremony was over. i missed the photos with the wedding party catering to her needs. She didn't eat dinner. She wouldn't leave the table the whole night. Then accused me of trying to pick up women at the wedding after the dinner was done.
    In any case....we got in a fight once we left early! and went back to the hotel. She got in a cab (we were three hours away from our hometown) and left). I didn't speak with her for three weeks. When I agreed to meet her, after her text prompts to meet in person, i was steadfast in my resolve to end things. She responded by incinuating the cab driver raped her.

    It broke me in half. The guilt was overwhelming. She carried the story for a couple of hours before admitting she lied once I told her I couldn't live with the fact.

    Borderlines are dangerous. I have empathy for most, however, most of my time these days is spent trying to recover.


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