Tuesday, February 16, 2010

How Can BPDs Move On So Easily?

So you were in a relationship with someone affected with Borderline Personality Disorder and the relationship has ended. You're crushed, hurt, feel abandoned, like someone has ripped your heart out. You can't think about another person because, frankly, you still love the borderline so much.

They hurt you, they treated you poorly, they took a part of you, but you still love them.

It's been relatively little time (maybe a week, maybe a month, maybe three), and the Borderline is in a new relationship. Maybe they've told you, maybe you just discovered it, but they're with someone new. They're sleeping with a new partner, and they no longer have any interest in you.

What happened?

BPDs Are Insecure Creatures That Need Someone

I'm generalizing here, but I need to describe the way that many borderlines act. Because borderlines are such insecure creatures and lack self-identity, they need someone to complete them. If they're with another person, they feel like they're fulfilled.

When you were with the borderline, you filled this need. They recognize that you filled this need, but borderlines are parasitic in nature. They take all of their partner, then move on to the next partner where they will repeat their patterns of drama, initial infatuation then devaluation, and ultimately moving on.

Borderlines are in constant conflict internally -- they want someone to complete them, but they don't think that they deserve adoration or love, because they loathe themselves so much.

I remember saying to the borderline after one of our fights, when she was acting insecure and clearly having large issues, "why do you continue acting like that?"

Her response (I don't remember exactly)? "I've always felt like I deserved to be alone, and this may make you go so I'll be alone again."

So, they have a constant internal battle -- they don't love themselves and don't think that they deserve love, yet they need that love and adoration to feel fulfilled.

What a miserable life.

Mature Relationships Not Possible With A BPD

In an normal relationship, a couple gets to know one another, builds trust, then begins to mature and grow together. Their relationship matures, and their love grow deeper as they gain new understandings of one another. The will have disagreements and may fight, but arguments and disagreements are settled in a caring and loving manner.

With a borderline relationship, the relationships never mature. Like the movie Groundhog Day,  the Non has the same things happen with a borderline over and over again. The borderline's insecurities and feeling of inadequacy are never sated, so they continue to project these insecurities onto their Non partner with accusations, explosions about certain occurrences, and the like. They will start fights about, well, you don't know. In the end, you will end up feeling like you are always rebuilding the relationship and starting from ground zero with regards to trust, respect and all the foundational elements and building blocks of a solid relationship.

Time To Go

This self-loathing, constant Groundhog Day scenario and world of continual rebuilding makes the borderline create a world of total dysfunction. The world can be so crazy that they eventually feel like something must be wrong with you if you stay in the relationship. Borderlines don't like being broken up with -- it makes them feel unlovable and validates their suspicions that they aren't worthy. So, what do they do?

They find someone new. And your heart is broken.

They most likely think about you, and if the relationship doesn't work, they may come back to you, Hoovering you back in. But the cycle will continue.

At this point, the typical borderline pattern of abuse has started. Get out. It's not going to end the way you want -- you will not sail off into the sunset with your borderline, unless she admits her problems and gets help.

It's tough, but borderlines move on easily because you have filled a part for them. Now they've found someone else to fill that part, and they don't need you any more.

In upcoming posts, we'll cover what the borderline does for you. The adoration you got -- how it made you feel, and how it's actually a flaw in you that needs to be addressed.

Monday, February 15, 2010

BPD Dissociation: Fairy Tales Made True

BPDs need turmoil to survive. They live in a world of constant drama and pitting themselves against others. It defines them and gives them identity.

What does a borderline do when things are going too well and they need something to react to?

They make it up, of course.

BPD Dissociation Defined

Those with borderline personality disorder have to believe something so much, they have to convince the world that their feelings are true. The definition of dissociation, according to Internet site Medterms.com, is a perceived detachment of the mind from the emotional state or even from the body. Dissociation is characterized by a sense of the world as a dreamlike or unreal place and may be accompanied by poor memory of the specific events.

To simplify this, if a borderline feels a certain way, has an insecurity or feels badly about it, it may just be their insecurity or their incredibly fragile sense of self worth (actually, self-loathing). The borderline will actually prove their insecurities in their mind by making up stories that fulfill their insecurities.

Think about this one -- if you were afraid that a building was going to fall down, you would make up stories about how people came and planted bombs around its foundation to make it fall down.

Does that make sense? Not at all.

Welcome to the world of BPD Dissociation.

Dissociation is one of the parts of Borderline Personality Disorder that shows that this disease is a Personality Disorder. It shows that the true Borderline lives on the border of psychosis and neurosis. They are truly troubled people that live in a world that we Nons just cannot understand. It's a world where they're allowed to make things up to fit their fleeting fantasies.

It's not a fair world for the Non.

The borderline that I was with used to tell me things that I just couldn't believe were true. Such a normal looking person saying such such outlandish things. Clearly, something just wasn't right. The stories were so far fetched, yet she believed them and made them true in her mind.

Examples of these stories and her insane dissociation is vast. Some of the most egregious ones were when I was traveling and she hired the private investigator, she told me, "you were having phone sex with someone."

I was talking to my Best Friend, Chris. Looking back, she kept me up all night after she had a private investigator tail me and find nothing by making up things.

Every day, she would make things up. She would accuse me of cheating on her, doing something, lying to her, whatever it may be, nearly every single day. The game that we played was that I would have to prove myself, prove my self worth to her, every day when she would make up these tall tales.

Dissociation Means No Win For The Non

 The problem with BPD Dissociation is that you can only argue your side so much until you feel tired and exhausted of their stories. These are fantasy stories that they have made up to prove their beliefs.

The biggest problem is that the Non who is trying to love a borderline, trying to live a good life with a borderline, simply can't do it. The borderline's fantasies will wear the Non down, will erode the Non's self esteem and sense of self worth, and can end up destroying the unsuspecting Non.

The BPD I was with was a widow. Her husband died of a drunk driving accident. He was at a work-related party and was in an accident on his way home. He had recently found out that the BPD was cheating on him with a friend of his. He had no idea about Borderline Personality Disorder or anything. Imagine how he must have felt having a wife that was cheating on him with a friend, a neighbor.

How to Address BPD Dissociation

The only way to address BPD Dissociation is to stay firm and do not give into the BPD's fantasies. If you give into their fantasies, you make them reality. You are doing a number of things here:
  • You are validating their non-reality and their fantasy world
  • You are going to erode your own self-esteem and self worth because the world as you know it is now unsure
  • You are giving the borderline more fuel to create even more outrageous stories.
The truth is the truth. BPDs will offer you a new truth that they will come at you and tell you is reality. It's not.

Don't give into BPD dissociation. Reality is reality, and most BPDs do not know reality.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Do Borderlines Think About Their Partners After The Relationship Ends?

I thought about this quite a lot when I first got out of the relationship with the BPD. I was so hurting, so lonely, so sad, so scared.

I was lost.

We had something so special, so amazing, so incredible...I was going to marry her, but it never got better.

So I had to go. Then I thought that she would finally get it when I moved out.

She didn't. Shortly after I moved out (about 2 months), she told me that she wouldn't trust me anymore and was gone.

We talked once or twice, but she had split and I was all baaaaad...she told me how she had to move on without me, and, well, you know the story.

Moving On
They say that borderlines don't think about their old partners after they have broken up. They say that the borderline will not go back once they've moved on, they won't think about them at all. Most experts agree that this is how the borderline acts. David discusses this in his recent post.

Many borderlines have written to me and told me otherwise. BPDs need to protect themselves, more than the normal person. Their problem is that they create a situation where they can't go back.

Think about this -- if someone says that they are a victim of you, how can they go back to you? Going back to you shows that they are completely weak and devoid of any self worth. Therefore, they must have you come back to them. It's difficult for the Non, but this is how the BPD fills their well of self-worth. I remember my exBPD saying about a past boyfriend, "he begged me to come back to him...he brought me a bouquet of roses and everything..."

Oooooh! Roses make me fall to my knees and go crawling back to abusers...

Sorry, I digress. The borderline is so vulnerable and loathes themselves so much that they create a scenario where they were a victim to the non. Because of this, they set the stage where they simply cannot go back. They will not go back.

My exBPD would kick me out of her house then ask me to come back to get some of my stuff. When I would, she would Hoover me back in, and I would not leave. This happened multiple times. In the borderline's eyes, I came back to her, although she asked me to come over and get some things.

The Verdict Is...
Borderlines are people, like you and me. They may have underdeveloped parts of their brains or they may be super-sensitive to certain stimuli because of their immaturity. They still recognize long-term relationships and miss them dearly.

Three months after the BPD and I split, I put a goodbye letter in her mailbox, along with a Valentines Day card (that I did not fill out or sign -- I was such a freak--it was three weeks after Valentines Day). This started email and text message conversations where the BPD told me that she never stopped loving me and missed me dearly. However, on one instance in our exchange, she did the Borderline Vengeance Switch, and I backed off. I would not go back to her if she did not ask me to come back and admit what she had done. She wanted me to beg her to come back, and too much had gone down for me to try to beg my way back. I knew her pattern and would not succumb to it.

Three months later, the police called me and said that she had accused me of hacking onto her photo website -- something I never would have done, but she wanted me to prove my innocence to her.

They think about you, even if they don't admit it. Inside, the borderline is a lonely, scared little girl (or boy), so scared that they don't show their true feelings or emotions to anyone, even themselves.

Feel bad for them.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

How To Bring Closure To a BPD Relationship

I was reading through contributor David's post. David, thank you for contributing -- please continue contributing as long as you feel the need. Your posts will always be welcome here.

For those of you that are feeling the pain that David feels and wishes to contribute, drop me a line at mybpdrecovery@blogspot.com

One thing that David indicated in his last post was that you will never get closure from the relationship.

I disagree. You can get closure. It will take time, and you may not be ready for it.

Closure is Forgiveness
To truly get closure in the relationship, you must forgive the BPD for what they did. That's right, you have to forgive the person that treated you horribly, that said mean things about you, may have cheated on you, shows little conscience, etc.

You must forgive the BPD for what they did to you. Depending on where you are, it may seem counterintuitive and impossible.

Give yourself time. Over time, you will feel all of the emotions that I outline below, and you may eventually forgive.

How to Forgive The BPD
The problem with dysfunctional relationships like BPD relationships is that to properly heal from the relationship, you need to have no contact. Remember, the Non is addicted to the BPD and having contact with them feeds your addiction. Look for a post with regards to the No Contact Rule in the upcoming days.

Before you can forgive the BPD, you must feel the appropriate emotions of grieving a loss. These are not in the formal order, and in fact, you may go back and forth and back into stages. You will go through many of these phases as you work through the loss of a BPD, so get ready and allow yourself to experience the feeling.

Let yourself feel the following emotions. Don't try to hide them or stuff them away. If you do, they'll come out in unhealthy ways. Furthermore, don't try to hide them in a bottle of alcohol, excessive work or the like. Let yourself fully mourn the relationship and you'll get through it.

The first stage of the grieving process is that you'll deny that the relationship truly is over. Borderlines are good at keeping their Non partners in this phase for years on end. They break up with them, go out and start dating others, then miss their Non partners, bringing them back into the fold. They'll do this time and time again for months, if not years.

What happens to the Non is that they grow so accustomed to this that they actually convince themselves that the BPD will be coming back, like David thinks. This is why the No Contact rule is so critical so the Non can fully heal from the relationship.

When getting through the relationship and feeling the need to bring closure, the Non will feel much pain. The reality that the relationship is over is difficult to accept, but when you do accept it, you feel enormous remorse.

If you're like me, you felt that this was it; this person was the one that you put everything into, the person that you compromised so much to be with, you accepted so much, and they still rejected you. You feel so lost, like you'll never get back to yourself again and never find a relationship like that again.

The reality is that you probably won't get back to that person again -- you're going to grow and become a better person than the one that you were. You probably won't find a relationship like that again, if you learn about what it was in you that accepted such as dysfunctional relationship. In the end, if you do the work, you'll actually have much healthier, functional relationships in the future.

You're going to feel quite a bit of anger, and you need to get it out. Anyone that was with a true borderline has quite a bit of anger that they have to deal with. Being someone that treats you so poorly stirs up quite a bit of anger.

Let yourself displace the anger in a healthy way. Close your doors, lock yourself in your home, go to a canyon and let your exBPD have it. Scream like she was there -- make sure that she's not really there, because you're then violating the No Contact rule which is critical to bringing closure.

You need to feel the anger. You need to get through it. Without getting through it, it will come out in unhealthy ways. You'll seem irritable, you may take some of your anger out on others, and the like. Overall, not something that you want to do to others that you love.

Through this process, you're going to become depressed and sad. you're going to miss your exBPD and wonder how you're going to get through this life without them. How will I survive? What am I going to do with myself now that they're gone?

Depression while grieving the loss of a loved one, even a BPD who broke your heart, is inevitable, normal and acceptable. It's strange because this person treated you so poorly at times, but it's okay, you can allow yourself to be depressed.

Be sure not to allow yourself to be depressed for too long. Eventually, the days should start to be better. They should improve. If they don't, see a professional for evaluation and treatment.

While healing and recovering, you'll have quite a bit of fear that will go through your mind. I've lost my soul mate -- how will I ever find someone like them again? I never had such a great lover, friend, etc.

You'll feel fear all around you. I would argue that fear drives much, if not all, of the reasons that we were in the relationship with the borderline in the first place. We were afraid that we were never going to get what we wanted in a person. We wanted that person that was exactly what we wanted, and the borderline gave us exactly what we wanted on a silver platter. We're so blind to the reality that this person isn't real that we overlook their emotional stability, their raging, their psychosis, and all the other fun things that make them a borderline.

Through the process, particularly in the beginning, we'll notice how much fear we have of life without the borderline. We eventually learn that life without the borderline is better because:

  • we're not responsible for another person anymore
  • we don't have to live our lives walking on eggshells anymore, afraid of the next time that the borderline is going to freak out on us for we don't know why
  • we can find someone that truly loves us for who we are, not the void that we temporarily feel
  • we can find someone that treats us well and truly loves us

Internal Reconciliation

As we get through the healing process, we begin to understand what happened, why we were in the relationship, the voids that the borderline filled and the like. To be sure that we don't repeat history, we have to learn these things or we will enter relationships with other borderlines and repeat they dysfunctional patterns.

Internal reconciliation takes quite a long time and will actually go in cycles. We may initially reconcile the relationship and what happened, but have many pieces that are still unreconciled. This is normal and acceptable.

There are some parts of my relationship that I continue to struggle with to this day. I've never seen the BPD in person since we broke up, and I'm not sure what I would do if I were to run into her. I don't know how I would act. I think that I would avoid the situation at all costs because there would be no good outcome. In the end, I wouldn't feel better about anything, so it would be best to avoid any interaction.

What I've realized about the BPD that I was with is that she and many other BPDs are limited in their capacities. They are not capable of the caring and level of loving that others are, and they are immature in their love. As such, they will never have the relationship at the level that I expect a relationship. One that contains high levels of trust and understanding of the others' needs and desires.

We eventually accept that the relationship is over, accept the loss, grow in ways that we can, and move on. This may take years for some people, which is acceptable.

Allow yourself the time that you need to get through the process. This takes time; one must go through the phases that I've described above, or they will not be able to fully heal.

In the end, remember that your BPD ex is limited; you should actually feel bad for them. You don't ever need to tell them this, but feel bad for them nonetheless. They live a life of constant turmoil, drama and misery.

One more thing that helps with this process is prayer. Pray to help with accepting the loss. Pray to help get through the feelings of anger, depression, and other emotions. Pray to help forgive your exBPD for the things that they did to you.

It may take some time to get through all the phases of healing from a loss and actually feel the capability to forgive. When you are able to forgive, you've truly grown, you've become a better person, you'll feel better about yourself. You've healed from the BPD relationship and you're ready to do other things in life. Congratulate yourself-- you've taken a large step in your personal development. You now have brought closure to the relationship.

You can bring closure to a BPD relationship. It's not easy, and you may not be able to easily see yourself getting there. By following these steps, praying, and giving yourself time, you can get there.

Even though these emotions are difficult, us men feel like we should stuff these emotions. Don't do it. Let yourself feel them fully. I was fortunate enough to be on the stop smoking drug Chantix which allowed me to be fully emotional when going through the breakup. Be sure that you can allow yourself to get through the emotions, or they'll come out in unhealthy ways later in life.

Monday, February 8, 2010

BPD Hoovering: Sucked Back Into The Relationship With The Borderline

I had forgotten about BPD Hoovering, then someone had commented on how they were Hoovered back into their relationship. Hoovering is something that all BPDs do as they alternate between fear of abandonment and devaluing someone. It's the battle that they have inside of themselves. Unfortunately, us Non's have to live the life of a borderline, but from our perspective, it can be scary. Many have asked the question, but let's answer it: What is BPD Hoovering?

BPD Hoovering Defined

BPD Hoovering is what a borderline personality does when they try to get you back into the relationship. For whatever reason, they have usually pushed you away from them and now are trying to pull you back in. They will apologize, admit that they are wrong, tell you they will go into counseling...do whatever it takes to get you back into the relationship.

Hence why they call it Hoovering. Like the vacuum, the borderline literally sucks you back into the relationship, telling you that they will do whatever it takes to get you back. They are sincere, truthful and apologetic.

You sit there and think, 'wow, they finally got it. All the things that I've been telling them, they finally understand.' You feel better and think that this will finally be the relationship that you  thought it could be.

Life is good for a while. You go back into a honeymoon phase with the Borderline and things are blissful.

Unfortunately, the good times only last for a short time. Something happens -- you don't know what -- and the borderline is back to normal. You're back in the up-and-down spin cycle of the borderline. Welcome back. You've been Hoovered, sucked back in, and now you're back in the despair of a borderline relationship.

The worst thing about Hoovering is that it was often initiated by the borderline: They broke up with you, they kicked you out of the house, they...well, you get the idea here.

Quitting Smoking

Leaving a borderline relationship -- for good -- is like quitting smoking. Someone who quits smoking usually tries many times before it sticks. Just like this, you may try to leave a borderline relationship multiple times before you can finally break the chains. It's difficult because the borderline gave us what we wanted in a person -- on a silver platter -- or so we thought. Looking back, the BPD appealed to my own narcissistic needs in a person, not someone that I would respect.

When I was in the relationship with the borderline, she Hoovered me many different times. She kicked me out of her house twice when we were together, only to Hoover me back into the relationship. After I moved out on my own accord, she brought me back into the relationship, making me fall for her again -- hard, telling me one day "I just love you" as I cried in the turmoil of the relationship.

She told me many times that things were going to be different. Even after I moved out and had my own place, she recognized that I was requiring her to make changes. The borderline can't handle that, they can't handle the blame and being told that they have to burden the load of correction. She eventually spun this around and said I kicked you out, you didn't move out.

How To Identify Hoovering

Hoovering is pretty easy to identify. The borderline has done something that their fear of abandonment has made them fear that they will be alone forever. Most likely, they have raged on you, or they have cheated on you, broken up with you or something like this. Now, they have calmed down, and the reality that you're not there anymore has hit them.

Desperate, they will now apologize, promise everything and anything that they can to get you back. Remember that their promises will most likely be hollow, and they won't keep them.

In The End...

I tried to stop smoking numerous times before finally giving it up. I still crave cigarettes periodically. But I don't smoke anymore. Eventually, the Hoovering will not work either, because we know that we need to give the relationship up.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Looking back: BPD relationship perspective

Contributed by David
This week I scheduled an 'in between' therapy session because I realized that all I have been doing is focusing on my ex and being frustrated with how I have been obsessing over her and not being able to allow myself to move on. Part of this I think is because of the lack of closure that usually results when the relationship with the borderline ends (not to say that it's not hard when a 'normal' relationship ends) due to the open endedness (push/pull) that one expereinces that puts a real emotional strain on you. I believe part of it has to do with coming to the realization of why the borderline relationship was dysfuntional for both parties and how it really only met the fantasized perceptions of both involved. In other words it probably was based upon very little if any realities even though it may have felt like it was when you were so enmeshed in it.
I'd like to share some truths about my 2 year dysfuntional relationship I have come to realize below and while many are very painful to let go of the fantasy I must admit them in order to move on. I've bolded the ones that have a deeper meaning for me and underlined ones that I especially need to focus on.

uBPDxgf served me with a restraining order, claiming I had assaulted her (I had to restrain her in one instance because she wouldn't allow me to leave the house and attacked me repeatedly, not to mention stomping my laptop tp pieces and throwing my cell against the wall) and left out the other 2 police reports that all happened in that week. She claimed she was fearful of me because of that event, despite having gotten back together with me 2 months later and being with me for another 3. The event she cited literally occurred 10 months before she filed the HRO. Then she posted on her facebook account notifying all her/our friends that I had been served, I'm sure the response she received from some of them only reinforced her own distorted thinking.
I allowed myself to be used by my uBPDxgf

I was lied to by my uBPDxgf

The good memories with uBPDxgf were merely fleeting glimpses of a soul-less human being, who has no identity.
uBPDxgf has no identity.

uBPDxgf will be whomever, wherever, whenever in exchange for acceptance.
uBPDxgf is incapable of adult emotions and will never be capable of them.

uBPDxgf will be miserable, confused, empty, and in pain for her entire life. No one can do anything about this.

Any glimpses of normalcy or "happiness" in uBPDxgf were not real, are not real and will never be real.
uBPDxgf is incapable of intimacy

uBPDxgf is mentally ill and a pill cannot "fix" her illness.

The fun memories with uBPDxgf were a result of her desire to be accepted - not a reflection of who she really is. She does not know who she really is never will.

uBPDxgf is incapable of reciprocating a healthy love.

I was on object to provide life to the bottomless pit of emotional needs to uBPDxgf and am no different than many others and there has/will be other men.

I could have/can do nothing more to help/fix uBPDxgf

Two full years of my life was lost in the dance with uBPDxgf

I was, am, and will always be viewed as an object (much like an emotional dildo) to uBPDxgf
uBPDxgf does not think about me daily.

uBPDxgf hates me and blames me as part of the cause of her pain.

uBPDxgf is in denial and therefore will likely never control her BPD.

uBPDxgf took great pleasure inflicting pain on me, because she felt I deserved it.

uBPDxgf will always feel that I deserved her punishment.

uBPDxgf was, is, and will always be nothing more than a mirage.
Because I believed she was my "soulmate", I contributed and perpetuated this mirage.

I will never have intimate sex with uBPDxgf
uBPDxgf has allowed and will continue to allow other men to do to her sexually what she denied me - because I cared for her and they didn't/don't.
uBPDxgf will never acknowledge the compassion and love I showed her.

uBPDxgf is very sexually attractive but I will never have sex with her.

I will never get closure in the traditional sense of the word from uBPDxgf
uBPDxgf is incapable of knowing/acknowledging/understanding how much agony she inflicted upon me.

uBPDxgf has only apologized once and did not know what she was apologizing for.

If uBPDxgf ever apologizes to me in the future, it is not sincere and only an attempt to get me back so she can punish me.
uBPDxgf mimicked me and I believed it was real.

It was not real. YIKES that hurts the most!
uBPDxgf was pursuing and having sex with several other men while telling me I was special.
uBPDxgf thinks that I deserved this.
uBPDxgf put me through emotional/psychological hell while being sexually ravaged by random men who did not care for her during our breakups and then shared those details with me when we were together.

uBPDxgf will never sincerely acknowledge or apologize for what she did to me.

uBPDxgf told everyone that I abandoned her, lied to her, and emotionally abused her.
uBPDxgf emotionally violated and degraded me.

I stooped below my integrity to get uBPDxgf "back".

uBPDxgf exploited my weaknesses because she thought I deserved it.

I have spent countless hours in therapy, in meditation, in agony, writing, in support groups because of uBPDxgf.

uBPDxgf would be indifferent or delighted if she read about my pain.

uBPDxgf has not spent more time thinking of me than it took to send 5 cryptic text messages intended to curtail my disengagement.

uBPDxgf is sick and it is not her fault, but it is her responsibility and the only person on this planet that can save her is her.

If uBPDxgf tries to get back into my life or communicate with me, it is only because she has exhausted all her other options at the moment and it will not last for longer than a couple of months. The ‘honeymoon’ period will be even shorter before the chaos begins again.