Wednesday, February 10, 2010

How To Bring Closure To a BPD Relationship

I was reading through contributor David's post. David, thank you for contributing -- please continue contributing as long as you feel the need. Your posts will always be welcome here.

For those of you that are feeling the pain that David feels and wishes to contribute, drop me a line at mybpdrecovery@blogspot.com

One thing that David indicated in his last post was that you will never get closure from the relationship.


I disagree. You can get closure. It will take time, and you may not be ready for it.

Closure is Forgiveness
To truly get closure in the relationship, you must forgive the BPD for what they did. That's right, you have to forgive the person that treated you horribly, that said mean things about you, may have cheated on you, shows little conscience, etc.

You must forgive the BPD for what they did to you. Depending on where you are, it may seem counterintuitive and impossible.

Give yourself time. Over time, you will feel all of the emotions that I outline below, and you may eventually forgive.

How to Forgive The BPD
The problem with dysfunctional relationships like BPD relationships is that to properly heal from the relationship, you need to have no contact. Remember, the Non is addicted to the BPD and having contact with them feeds your addiction. Look for a post with regards to the No Contact Rule in the upcoming days.

Before you can forgive the BPD, you must feel the appropriate emotions of grieving a loss. These are not in the formal order, and in fact, you may go back and forth and back into stages. You will go through many of these phases as you work through the loss of a BPD, so get ready and allow yourself to experience the feeling.

Let yourself feel the following emotions. Don't try to hide them or stuff them away. If you do, they'll come out in unhealthy ways. Furthermore, don't try to hide them in a bottle of alcohol, excessive work or the like. Let yourself fully mourn the relationship and you'll get through it.

Denial
The first stage of the grieving process is that you'll deny that the relationship truly is over. Borderlines are good at keeping their Non partners in this phase for years on end. They break up with them, go out and start dating others, then miss their Non partners, bringing them back into the fold. They'll do this time and time again for months, if not years.

What happens to the Non is that they grow so accustomed to this that they actually convince themselves that the BPD will be coming back, like David thinks. This is why the No Contact rule is so critical so the Non can fully heal from the relationship.

Pain
When getting through the relationship and feeling the need to bring closure, the Non will feel much pain. The reality that the relationship is over is difficult to accept, but when you do accept it, you feel enormous remorse.

If you're like me, you felt that this was it; this person was the one that you put everything into, the person that you compromised so much to be with, you accepted so much, and they still rejected you. You feel so lost, like you'll never get back to yourself again and never find a relationship like that again.

The reality is that you probably won't get back to that person again -- you're going to grow and become a better person than the one that you were. You probably won't find a relationship like that again, if you learn about what it was in you that accepted such as dysfunctional relationship. In the end, if you do the work, you'll actually have much healthier, functional relationships in the future.

Anger
You're going to feel quite a bit of anger, and you need to get it out. Anyone that was with a true borderline has quite a bit of anger that they have to deal with. Being someone that treats you so poorly stirs up quite a bit of anger.

Let yourself displace the anger in a healthy way. Close your doors, lock yourself in your home, go to a canyon and let your exBPD have it. Scream like she was there -- make sure that she's not really there, because you're then violating the No Contact rule which is critical to bringing closure.

You need to feel the anger. You need to get through it. Without getting through it, it will come out in unhealthy ways. You'll seem irritable, you may take some of your anger out on others, and the like. Overall, not something that you want to do to others that you love.

Depression
Through this process, you're going to become depressed and sad. you're going to miss your exBPD and wonder how you're going to get through this life without them. How will I survive? What am I going to do with myself now that they're gone?

Depression while grieving the loss of a loved one, even a BPD who broke your heart, is inevitable, normal and acceptable. It's strange because this person treated you so poorly at times, but it's okay, you can allow yourself to be depressed.

Be sure not to allow yourself to be depressed for too long. Eventually, the days should start to be better. They should improve. If they don't, see a professional for evaluation and treatment.

Fear
While healing and recovering, you'll have quite a bit of fear that will go through your mind. I've lost my soul mate -- how will I ever find someone like them again? I never had such a great lover, friend, etc.


You'll feel fear all around you. I would argue that fear drives much, if not all, of the reasons that we were in the relationship with the borderline in the first place. We were afraid that we were never going to get what we wanted in a person. We wanted that person that was exactly what we wanted, and the borderline gave us exactly what we wanted on a silver platter. We're so blind to the reality that this person isn't real that we overlook their emotional stability, their raging, their psychosis, and all the other fun things that make them a borderline.

Through the process, particularly in the beginning, we'll notice how much fear we have of life without the borderline. We eventually learn that life without the borderline is better because:

  • we're not responsible for another person anymore
  • we don't have to live our lives walking on eggshells anymore, afraid of the next time that the borderline is going to freak out on us for we don't know why
  • we can find someone that truly loves us for who we are, not the void that we temporarily feel
  • we can find someone that treats us well and truly loves us



Internal Reconciliation

As we get through the healing process, we begin to understand what happened, why we were in the relationship, the voids that the borderline filled and the like. To be sure that we don't repeat history, we have to learn these things or we will enter relationships with other borderlines and repeat they dysfunctional patterns.

Internal reconciliation takes quite a long time and will actually go in cycles. We may initially reconcile the relationship and what happened, but have many pieces that are still unreconciled. This is normal and acceptable.

There are some parts of my relationship that I continue to struggle with to this day. I've never seen the BPD in person since we broke up, and I'm not sure what I would do if I were to run into her. I don't know how I would act. I think that I would avoid the situation at all costs because there would be no good outcome. In the end, I wouldn't feel better about anything, so it would be best to avoid any interaction.

What I've realized about the BPD that I was with is that she and many other BPDs are limited in their capacities. They are not capable of the caring and level of loving that others are, and they are immature in their love. As such, they will never have the relationship at the level that I expect a relationship. One that contains high levels of trust and understanding of the others' needs and desires.

Acceptance
We eventually accept that the relationship is over, accept the loss, grow in ways that we can, and move on. This may take years for some people, which is acceptable.

Allow yourself the time that you need to get through the process. This takes time; one must go through the phases that I've described above, or they will not be able to fully heal.

In the end, remember that your BPD ex is limited; you should actually feel bad for them. You don't ever need to tell them this, but feel bad for them nonetheless. They live a life of constant turmoil, drama and misery.

One more thing that helps with this process is prayer. Pray to help with accepting the loss. Pray to help get through the feelings of anger, depression, and other emotions. Pray to help forgive your exBPD for the things that they did to you.

Forgiveness
It may take some time to get through all the phases of healing from a loss and actually feel the capability to forgive. When you are able to forgive, you've truly grown, you've become a better person, you'll feel better about yourself. You've healed from the BPD relationship and you're ready to do other things in life. Congratulate yourself-- you've taken a large step in your personal development. You now have brought closure to the relationship.

You can bring closure to a BPD relationship. It's not easy, and you may not be able to easily see yourself getting there. By following these steps, praying, and giving yourself time, you can get there.

Even though these emotions are difficult, us men feel like we should stuff these emotions. Don't do it. Let yourself feel them fully. I was fortunate enough to be on the stop smoking drug Chantix which allowed me to be fully emotional when going through the breakup. Be sure that you can allow yourself to get through the emotions, or they'll come out in unhealthy ways later in life.

41 comments:

  1. My ex-BPD asked me when i would forgive him. This is the BPD way of seeking permission to go do it all over again. He did this throughout our relationship and at the end. He wanted me to basically condone his behaviour. Like a child being scolded for misbehavoiur and all is forgotten. I cannot and will not forgive him. He is fully aware of his actions. He told me he would never do this to another human being after me,he would never enter into another relationship. He was quickly with someone and probably doing to her what he did to me and the women before me. Therefore i find no pity for him and certainly no forgiveness.

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  2. I so glad you you posted all of this information, especially the forgiveness piece. That's definately been an area that God has been highlighting in prayer.

    Hazel, yes it does not seem unfair that we as the nons woul dhave to do so much work to get through any of this but it is so true that we have to forgive just as WE have been forgiven. Once again IT is so not fair (I can actually imagine my inner child throwing that tantrum) but it does us no good and really has no impact on our ex partners. I did wan tto clarify about my no closure comment in my last post...while closure IS possible when we follow the guidelines of this post I was referring to the typical two parted closure that can occur when healthy relationships end. I doubt I will ever have my ex allow true closure and apologize for her part ever (unless she seeks and engages in treatment...). She'll always try and create more drama to hoover me back in or await for me to self hoover but there will be no closure until I take things by the horn and get it for myself!

    Someday I hope it won't hurt to know that someone I cared about is still hurting so much but I finally realize I'm not her savior and that the only honest thing she ever said to me was that I had a lot to offer another person.

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  3. hi everyone, im new. all i can say is that i was taught that we are born sinners and broken and through love we heal. the only way out of hell is through the door at the bottom and i have swam in the river of shit that flatters are in but i went to the bottom and walked out the door and up again into the light of truth and love. pure white light. xxx

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  4. Great comments everyone. Hazel, it will take TIME -- I'm over 2 years out of contact with a BPD and I STILL have issues arise; with that said, I'm much better. David, your perspective even though you're still so raw from everything -- I've always called it 'soft' -- is amazing.

    I need to tell each of you that you have to ALLOW yourself to be upset, to be hurt, to be angry, to cry, to yell, to go date others so you can feel better, to be depressed (only for a short time), to feel the pain through your soul. You're allowed to feel bad.

    Eventually, you will get through it, you will feel better. It takes time, it takes pain, it takes working through all of the issues, it takes the 'if I only did ____, he/she would have stayed'...you see where I'm going.

    Allow yourself to work through the pain. Learn from it, and view this time as an opportunity to grow into a person, that person that you always wanted to be.

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  5. Thankyou for posting this recovery process.

    It really does feel like there isn't closure. For me, my struggle is with accepting the loss. Forgiveness is easy. Whether right or wrong I like to believe that I saw the inner beauty of my ex and that everything she did was out of uncontrollable fear. That is what makes accepting the loss so hard. There is nothing I can do to help her out of her misery and it breaks my heart to know that she has to live that way.

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  6. I walked out on my exBPD a year past September. He kept texting me up until August,nearly a year after we finished. I knew he was seeing someone else and though i felt for her and her family,i was so relieved because i knew he would now leave me alone. I rarely replied to any of his texts. Then last month,two days after my birthday he text. A blank text. He never did get my birthday right. Maybe it was nothing to do with my birthday as it's ALWAYS about him. Most probably the relationship was already in trouble. I had a few odd calls just before Christmas. Party time for the BPD!.
    As far as forgiveness goes,he will face his maker for that. These BPD's know fully their actions and the consequence to others. They have no remorse. They do not care of the hurt they have inflicted. They only have their own interest first and foremost. Never be fooled by these predators. If they fought with a sword it would be so much easier but they are cowards and deliver the blows with a kiss. Sorry is a word that should only be said once for a certain behaviour. They say sorry and repeat the action/behaviour they were sorry for!!!!!!

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    Replies
    1. Hazel,
      Spoken like a true prodigy.
      I won't forgive.
      You forgive someone for their mistake or for an incident, not for repeatedly, creatively and knowingly inflicting worst imaginable nightmare to another person.
      I am happy to realize that I didn't completely dedicate myself to this person because I felt that there was something wrong with here from the very beginning.
      And the last time she contacted me, she got hurt. And she will again if she tries to contact me again.

      Otherwise, I don't care.
      I many times told her that I wouldn't need to do anything bad to her because she would do it herself.

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  7. I agree with Hazel, i will not forgive my ex BPD but i will forgive myself for being sucked in and used , that is my way off healing from the nightmare that he bestowed on me.

    I wont get any contact because i had to call the police in the final throws because it was the only way for me to get closure, had i not done so i would still be getting the Drama.
    I done this for myself more than anything because i was scared off myself ! i knew he would suck me back in if i didnt take some action.
    Glad to say iam getting peace now & healing from the torment he put me through
    Its refreshing to know that he will never find true happiness, sounds harsh but he doesnt deserve it
    He had an opertunity to go and get help & he said he would but really he had no intention off doing so it was only another smoke screen to get more out off me
    So David.....i wouldnt hold out much hope if you think she will go for help , like my ex BPD told me '' i made him like that he didnt need help !!! Mmmmmm so he would rather loose me than actually go for help so that says it all really.

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  8. Well it seems i spoke to soon in my last post (yesterday ) my post was the one where i told you all about me having to get the police to him.
    Low and behold last night he started contacting me ! first my landline rang ( only two rings )then it rang again this time a txt message to my landline ' sorry that was a mistake'' he said....i done nothing then it rang again ! this time another txt mesage telling me who he was & a kiss, i ignored it & was in panic mode as i thought here we go ! then it rang a third time this time was to tell me HE STILL LOVED ME ! how nice off him (am i to be pleased ?) of course he must still love me i done nothing wrong ! or does he ? thats the Q iam asking myself today or is it more a case off HE NEEDS ME ? yep probably the latter .
    Its 6 months since i got the police to him so don't know whether i should call them back to tell them he has started again, i have a dilemma now because i know the way he thinks and he ( in his sick mind ) probably thinks ( if i don't call the police ) then the door is open.

    I shall wait and see but the hoovering has started

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  9. I went through two and a half years of hell with a bpd woman. Then after a very confusing ending and quite vicious one at that. She latched on to two men very quickly. The anger and hurt helped me maintain no contact. She did attempt to hoover me back. I maintained no contact. My heart reeling in pain. The emptiness inside was extreme. Soon she married one of the guys. I felt sorry for the guy when I found out, but felt happy for her. Then she shows up accross the street sitting on the sidewald taking pictures of me with her cell phone. She is six months into her marriage. She waved at me. I ignored her. Two years latter a raging phone call"Husbands die, you must die tonite" 45 mins raging. Her husband was at sea. They were in a different state. I did not interact, I put the phone down and let her rage. Never heard from her again. She is still married 5 years now. I am supprised.But I want her to have peace. It has been eight years for me and the pain still bubbles up now and then. The thought of seeing her again makes my hair stand on end. NO CONTACT it is the only way!

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  10. BPD"S are possessed by demons.Forget every other worldly explaination.

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  11. My BPD boyfriend left me for the 5th time right after Memorial Day weekend. Believe it or not, I am a therapist. I am someone who has done a great deal of work on herself and had never ever been in a relationship that remotely resembled this one. And yet, like so many of us, I was looking for love. He came on so strong that I was concerned at first. I knew that was a red flag. But I was taken in by his sincerity, loving words and actions, and by his strong desire to be the "best man he could be." After 3 months his attitude towards me began to change, subtly at first. I began to realize that he may be a BPD but I was already hooked by his sweet and loving side, and his desire to be healed from the demons of his childhood (of course, he hadn't told me about those until after I fell in love with him). To make a long story short, he left me over perceived faults of mine that were so ridiculous that I never felt at fault. But by then he was in therapy, with someone who was doing a lot of early-childhood healing with him. So, being a therapist myself, I kept believing in him. I took him back this last time after he had grown enough to take full responsibility for what he kept doing to sabotage our relationship. He said that the most important thing to him was to get healed enough to be able to love, and that he'd never loved anyone as much as he had [tried to, anyway] loved me. I let him in part way, but still (I thought) kept my options open. He was telling me all the time how much he was growing and how I was "home to him", that he was so blessed to have been able to be loved by someone like me. Then he left me AGAIN. This time he said it was because he had realized that in order to love he must be alone with himself for awhile, to learn to love himself. Part of me believed him. Part of me thought it was just a more sophisticated excuse, which he adopted from the therapist who was supposed to be helping him. Well, withing just a few days he had found my replacement, a woman he had found the last time he left me. I had wondered if this would happen and told him that before he left to "find myself." He denied it, saying that he had no connection with her, and that connection was important to him. When I found out that he had gone back to her, and so soon, I cut off all contact with him via email. He emailed me back, saying that "I will probably never (underlined) be able to give(underlined)love(underlined) to anyone." And so I'm finally done (I sincerely hope so. I must be.) But now I have to deal with a pain that is far more intense than I've ever had to experience from the end of a relationship.
    I'm struggling with the forgiveness part. I do forgive him, now, but I need to be careful that I don't use that to let him off the hook or make myself more vulnerable to any attempts he may make in the future to reconnect with me. For now, he has moved on and may not even be thinking about me at all. That hurts maybe more than anything. As for me, I will very possibly take a long time to move on completely, in spite of all the tools I have to help myself.

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  12. I posted a comment earlier this evening. I'm the therapist who has been in love with a BPD. It may help all of you who feel bad about themselves for all the love they have felt for such a damamged person to know that one of the reasons it's so hard to let go is because of something that can cause an intense attachment in humans and even in other species. It's called "intermittent reinforcement." When we are given love, especially from someone whose emotions are intense and compelling, then that love is removed, then given back again, this is truly crazy making. In experiments with rats, they were given food in a specific container. They learned that when they were hungry, the food was there for them. After awhile, the food was removed. The rats spent hours and days going to that container to get food, even if they were fed from other sources. So in a way we aren't all that different....Just so you know that you aren't in some way defective for having such a hard time letting go.

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  13. Thanks to "therapist"

    Wow - I keep thinking we must have been involved with the same man, because not only are the actions so similar, the words are identical!! Except you referred to Memorial Day, and I am not in the US. I have spent 2 years in turmoil with a "gentle, soulful" man who helps others to heal, yet is always in misery and pain (usually my fault for not understanding him). He said he wanted to be the "best man he can be", and would often decide that he needed to go find himself by being on his own, but it turns out he was always finding himself with someone else! They would also not understand him, and he would come back to me, because it felt like home. Then I was a blessing, a soulmate, and the person he had loved more than anyone in his life. But soon I was a demon that he was having nightmares about. He would ask me not to hurt him by asking anything of him (ie even having any contact). If our relationship was meant to be, it would be easier, any conflict was a sign it was over.

    He has searched out many forms of healing, so that "he could be the best man for himself and for me, because I deserved him at his best". I would also hear that "perhaps he was not capable of loving someone", followed by "he had so much to give".

    I thank you for sharing your experience, because I was sinking back into "maybe it's just me" frame of mind, and this assured me that this is sooo much bigger than just me. I also appreciated the explanation of the intermittent reinforcement, because I don't understand why it is so difficult to let go. We are not in contact now, and instead of being a relief, I am constantly thinking of him, and the "good" parts of the relationship. I am struggling with the apparent conflict between my own logic, and my heart. I was with him because I followed my heart, and it seemed the right path. Now I'm just trying to get through my days, and like "therapist", what hurts the most is that he has "moved on" and I can't imagine being so intimate with someone, but not having any remaining ties - even a friendship.

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  14. Hi. I'm the therapist, writing again. Yes, it really does help finding out that someone else is having such a similar experience. Thanks for writing back.

    Since I wrote last, I've talked with my ex on the phone twice, after a couple of emails. The last time we talked for 2 hours, and I was considering inviting him over tomorrow. I felt like I had finally started feeling, not just thinking, that I really don't want to get back with him. He has recently accepted that he is really a BPD. Calls me his best friend in the world, which I'm sure is true. Has no such connection with his new lover, who he calls "possibly my female counterpart"(ie: she pushes him away when they start to get close.) I had almost thought that we really could be friends, and I do feel less angst since we've communicated because now I understand it all better, what happened. And how he really is incapable of sustaining any kind of love for a woman. But today I realize that I can't invite him over, or see him. There is too much danger that I'd get really attached again. I'm only just starting to get less attached, and I still think about him a lot.

    So, it's very possible that your ex is not actually all that intimate with his new one. And although it might make you feel better if you knew that it still wouldn't really change anything. He already showed you (like mine showed me) that he is incapable of loving you in any kind of real, consistent, lasting way. It's really very hard! I've never been through anything like this. And I pray that I never will be again. I'm determined not to be.

    Good luck to both of us!

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  15. What timing you have! Helpful words! My ex just texted me to tell me that he is in a new relationship and is super happy. Then he asked how I was, and said he will talk to me soon, though he hasn't wanted to talk to me for months. I am just trying, like you, to figure out whether talking to him again is worth it. In so many ways I want to face him now that I understand more of what drives him, his thoughts and actions. I want to be compassionate towards him. I thought I wanted him in my life in any capacity, and having a friendship with him was important to me. But now I am wondering, do I just try to let go for once and for all? I know I've been holding out hope for what....maybe a miracle?? I think I would just be drawn in again too. To the drama, the blame. I think we both deserve the real and consistent love you mentioned. You do sound determined - and I just need to make up my mind once and for all to be that too!!!! Ditto on the good luck!!

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  16. What do you do if you have a kid with a BPD? I didn't know what BPD was until recently. I dated her for 5 years, so there has been a lot of damage that has been done. The most recent thing that happened was she slept with a random guy (no protection) a month ago, which was not the first time she cheated (8 times if you include making out). I forgave her, but told her I wasn't going to commit back to the relationship just yet, because I didn't feel like she showed remorse.

    She posted pictures of the guy on her facebook profile, but was still trying to convince me she wanted the relationship. I was being open to work it out and then 3 weeks later she went out with friends for her birthday got drunk, had sex with 2 guys in the same night and would not answer my calls. She told me she was at a friends house, but I went to that friends house and they had no idea where she was at. I drove around until 7 am with my 15 month old in the car looking for her. I confronted her the next day and she showed no remorse and even started posting pictures of her night out on facebook. Over the next couple of days when I would pick up my son she would tell me she wanted me to lay down with her and hold her. I didn't give in and then she started texting me that she missed me, which I also didn't respond to.

    Over the last week she has started posting pictures of her and guys on facebook (which she doesn't know I can see), and she has sent me text messages saying 2 guys have asked her to marry them this week even forwarding me one of the text messages. Within those text messages she is saying stuff like she feels pain, anger, disappointment, fear, guilt, betrayal, etc. How can that be when she is the one that has done all the betraying. It's driving me insane. I asked her to pick up my son today because I have an appointment today and she responded "I can't see you. I have plans anyway". She was supposed to keep him over the weekend, but said she couldn't do it becuase she was hurt and then posts pictures on her facebook on a boat with guys that have their arms around her. She said she would keep him this past Sunday night, but then Sunday night says she can't because she is drunk. I have a therapy appointment tonight, but if anybody has any insight for me, please share it. I can't avoid or not have contact with her. We have a kid together. That makes things a little more difficult. Thanks in advance.

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  17. No one will see this until they are already involved with BPD and confused, by which time it will be too late. But I post it anyway.

    If a new partner greets you at all corners, messaging and texting at all accounts, with exceptional timing and frequency, you are in trouble. It is romantic, yes. It is beautiful, yes. It is reassuring, yes. I have never had attention quite so concerted.

    A year and a half later the abrupt ending is savage, ice-cold, and weirdly threatening. This is like dealing with a completely different person, who has zero remembrance of having participated in your relationship. The accusations are shocking. It's as though the BPD has determined that perceiving you as the exact OPPOSITE of who you are, is the best practice for ? either a) departing the relationship entirely or b) making you so crazy and low that you will submit to very odd demands.

    Some BPD reactionary gestures are so childish that they are almost charming. The BPD is good at apologizing to *you*, at first, and you will find that so sweet and amazing. Who does that? But more and more, your BPD will be so hurt by slights that are accidental, that you have explained and apologized for, or even, that were completely fabricated by the BPD. Don't fall for this shit, please. The fabrications increase in frequency and absurdity and sooner or later you will be able to do NOTHING RIGHT.

    NOTHING.

    NOTHING YOU SAY OR DO WILL BE ENOUGH.
    NOTHING YOU SAY OR DO WILL BE ACCEPTABLE.

    Worst of all? According to your BPD?

    NOTHING YOU SAY OR DO WILL BE TRUE.

    I have no explanation for what I was just subjected to and it seems to have come out of nowhere. I would counsel anyone dealing with BPD to also check out M. Scott Peck's "People of the Lie."

    All I can really say as I begin my healing process here is that you have got to keep in mind ALL YOU DID RIGHT by this person. Be ACUTELY aware of the good that you were. And put that dear wrongheaded person you loved back in God's hands. I am so, so sad to go No Contact on the one I loved. That voice I will really, really miss in all my hours.

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  18. The anger; this is going to be an angry rant so your are being forewarned now. All the anger that I experienced during the relationship and after was from frustration, disbelief and the absurdity of life with the borderline.

    All the covert abuse and overt abuse just burned me up. Like when we were out and someone referred to me as her "boyfriend" and she very quickly said "he's not my boyfriend" coldly, very matter-of-fact; even after we had dated for over a year and I had stayed at her house the two nights before. Her passive aggressive crap, sabotaging projects I had going, infiltrating my network of friends, leading people I worked with on, being flirtatious with some of my friends and subtly rubbing it in my face.

    I couldn't believe that she would say one thing and do another and when I'd confront her about it she would just deny it or turn it around. I mean she was pretty much a pathological liar, yet she refused to be caught in the middle of any of her delusions. I hated how her plans were always changing and how she just did whatever she wanted. You could never trust anything that she said, EVER.

    I hated how she manipulated everyone and every situation to her advantage pitting herself as the center of attention, it was absolutely exhausting and sickening to be involved in. After I ended it I hated how everyone thought that she was wonderful and had no idea about the "real" her.

    I hated how she'd twist situations around, first it would start out like she didn't want a serious commitment and I should be concerned that there are other guys interested in her, then it would be after knowing each other for so long we should be heading in a direction and that we should take a trip somewhere. Then she'd go back to pitting other guys against me, saying how much more of something they were than I was, more successful or more fit. When in actuality I am the one who should be upset that she's cultivating and probably hooking up with these other guys! And later on down the road, toward the end of it all, when I asked her about so and so and why she spent the weekend visiting "Brad" she would just say nonchalantly "I never said I wanted a serious relationship" or "we're just friends". A complete circle of confusion and utter lies.

    I hated how she would pretend like something was all about me when it was still always, ALWAYS about her and her being in control. She always had to have her cake and eat it too. She had no remorse, even on my birthday, she'd say "I've got it all planned out, you don't need to worry, its going to be so fun", but it was really all about her little scheme to get me to propose to her. But she wouldn't want to be married anyways, she had an overwhelming fear of commitment. It was just about making it so I never felt like I was enough, always trying to browbeat me. Not to mention that she tried to end things the week before. Who does that? Finally I had enough of the reversals and insanity.

    The reality of it was the she was an emotional train wreck with no control over her own feelings, like a disease that spread through my life. She was so thorough at trying to devalue me that she would go so far as to find the girlfriend I had before her and try to get her boyfriend to eat from the palm of her hand thinking that there was some sort of rivalry between him and me. What a nightmare.

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  19. I liked this article. I basically told my ex boss and ex friend to f*** of- you don't treat me like a person six weeks ago. It was a long time coming. We had a big confrontation. Two days later I got an e-mail threatening me with a restraining order. Since then my heart and soul feel like it has been ripped apart. I feel such a sense of betrayal because of how much I gave and I was treated like trash. I took a marketing workshop- she was in it too. I did not speak to her nor she to me. When class was over she rushed out and I watched her leave and she looked at the ground. I know that she was abusive and I am better off in the long run but this has hurt so much. I like what the earlier poster said about remembering all the good you did for the person- that helps me a lot because in the long run- it is their loss.

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  20. "The fabrications increase in frequency and absurdity and sooner or later you will be able to do NOTHING RIGHT. NOTHING YOU SAY OR DO WILL BE ENOUGH. NOTHING YOU SAY OR DO WILL BE ACCEPTABLE.

    Worst of all? According to your BPD?
    NOTHING YOU SAY OR DO WILL BE TRUE."

    Thanks for sharing that. My head is still spinning from my ex girlfriend's irrational accusations, but at least I know the demise of my brief, intense relationship with her was not my fault...and I'm not alone. (All of these shared experiences sound SO frighteningly similar.)

    Apparently, I couldn't even make phone calls "right". If she wasn't home when I called, she insisted that I called at that time, knowing that she wouldn't be home. If I called from my cell phone, to her, that meant that I was sneaking around and cheating. She even doubted phone records (I showed her them to calm her down and stop the irrational accusations), proving that I was home. She still insisted that I was lying. ???

    I loved her so much. I feel like I still do (which is crazy). It hurts so much when the person you love accuses you of things you would never do. I never lied to her about anything, yet she twisted anything I said and even made things up, to convince herself that I was a liar.

    After a handful of these episodes, I ended the relationship. I didn't want to, but I had to - - the emotional stress was beginning to make me physically ill. I feel like I'm still going through withdrawal. I miss the woman I fell in love with, which I'm beginning to realize was an illusion - - my projections of what I hoped for. The real person was disordered, in denial and not seeking treatment (at least that I know of).

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  21. Keep focussed everyone, we are survivors and have survived an emotional, physical and psychological hammering at the hands of a dysfunctional person. I used to think that perhaps i was wrong and that it must have been me, I really started to doubt my own sanity and thought that perhaps I had the problem. In some ways we do have some issues as we were attracted to these sorry excuses of a being, but the most comforting realization for me has been in reading blogs like this, I know that I am the sane person as "all of us" can't be that wrong can we. No contact is definitely the only way to go it kills you but just do it. I could echo so many similarities with what you all have said, she was captivating, made me her world, was alluring, very attractive, attentive, caring, sensational in bed, then came the lies... Not that I realized as they were subtle and I washed over them, then the nights out with friends that I found out later were with other men she had hooked up with.... oh it goes on you all know what comes next. I had a major smear campaign against me at work then she moved locations while staying in touch with work colleagues ( all the better to continue chatting with them in s new location building her credibility while smearing me). We all know what we are talking about, the sad part is unless you have experienced this craziness you don't know these people are fake, callus and calculating liars. We all do but others don't, I don't try explaining anymore as people either think your obsessing, crazy or both. I loved her with all my heart, I would have given her the world and I did give her a big part of my soul one that has left me forever and won't return. She tried to Hoover me about a month ago this was three months after our split, It took a lot for me to resist replying to her as she had been on my mind constantly. Luckily I have a good support network who realized what she's like and they keep me focussed. I feel like I still love her deeply and I so much miss her company, but as a friend has told me if she loved me she wouldn't have left me for another in the first place. They do need forgiveness and our pity but nobody said you actually have to tell them that. They will never experience true love and intimacy and that is a real tragedy because we can recover from our broken hearts and use this to forge better relationships in the future, they never will. Take care everyone I know how you feel.

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    Replies
    1. Amen!

      Mine was so evil that during our divorce she sold her home and bought a house i door down from my sister and brother in law. Of the 10's of thousands of homes for sale in our city she buys a house next to my sister and brother in law. This is the place where all of our family functions are held and she knows this as she has been there many times. It was sick and twisted and has caused a lot of heartache for my family. My brother in law is a Pastor and has been kind and generous to her and her children. But this? It nearly made the preacher curse!

      My counselor said she did this to control the narrative and that makes perfect sense to me. Even though we are no longer together and she dumped me like a can full of trash for one of the many me she always had waiting in the wings, she still wants control. She has gone to my brother in law on more than one occasion trying to twist what happened as my fault and make me look less in their eyes. The problem is, they know the truth and don't buy into her garbage.

      I am a Christian and believe in forgiveness, but my understanding of the Bible indicates we only receive forgiveness when we ask. She will never ask because she never did anything wrong. The affairs and lies about all the other me were illusions according to her. I fabricated them because it was me who had insecurity issues. "Girls Night Out" meant she was with another man. She got caught more than once in that lie but still tried to con her way out and some how make it my fault.

      Forgiveness? I gave her everything I had to give. In return she lied, cheated and stole from me and not once showed any remorse. There is no forgiveness for that kind of person.

      Delete
  22. I was dumped by my BPD boyfriend. while reading through all the above comments i felt
    i was reliving my experiences with my BPD boyfriend. He came to my life when i was suffering from a break up. He was intelligent , handsome, smart ..It seemed like he was the one i have been waiting for all these years.we started of as friends and soon became lovers.And then the trouble started. He started checking on me each and every moment of the day. everyday evening he would go through my mobile call list and for each and every call made to/from a guy i had to give him an explanation. If i resist he will go mad.If i tell him, he wont believe me and calls me a liar.He constantly accused me of having affair with every guy i met daily. he never believed any of my explanations and called me a liar, bitch all the time.Later i came to know he was having affair with many woman while in relationship.
    still i was ready to forgive him. Because i loved him. But now he has dumped me.. Even after standing by him through all these abuses and lies , he dumped me. And i am really really heartbroken.seems like i will never ever fall in love again.

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  23. I have experienced everything mentioned by other commentators--the soul mate experience, the gaslighting, and so on. After four years of on again, off again behavior I reluctantly took my BPDbf back one last time and he was a lamb--until all (most) of my attention had to go to my mother who was dying. My BPD asked me to marry him; he would support me financially, etc. He even agreed to go into therapy--but kept putting it off. All the while he was doing this he was starting up a new relationship! I could always tell when he was doing this because VERY suddenly in the midst of marriage talk, he got distant and his attention abruptly seemed elsewhere. When that fizzled after a month he wanted to reconcile with me and get "past our impasse." During this period my mother died. This time I told him "no," that he had destroyed any possibility of my ever trusting him again. The hurt this time is way worse than any of the others because the betrayal coincided with my mother's death--and he could care less as far as I can see. I wrote a long email to him telling him he was a BPD, that he should be engulfed in shame, etc. I had nothing to lose at that point and was probably trying to take out an insurance policy against his ever wanting to contact me again. However, he made a few attempts to contact me but seems to have stopped. The emails were feelers I think, which might have led to hoovering. His emails are forwarded immediately to "trash," although I occasionally look to see if there are any (in moments of weakness). This is really hard also because of our academic work together, so I lost that too. It seems to me that the hook is the way they mirror us--it draws on such early, preverbal emotion in all of us, the love and care we did (or did not) get as babies, the connection that the BPD wants by proxy through us. This is bad, really bad pain. It has been about two months. I have started meditating every morning and trying not to be alone too much. I am fortunate that I have supportive friends, all of whom are behind the decision I made not to take him back. Even though I know all of this intellectually, my emotions are still wanting him. I know I can't do this again and expect to save myself! So, it is day by day.

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  24. My experience after all the anger and frustration after a relationship with someone with Borderline made me come to the conclusion that I have to forgive my abuser to move on. To achieve that, I had to go over my own life over and over again. What was very important to me, was to acknowledge the physical and emotional abuse I suffered from my mother. She was an alcoholic and died from the disease. Everyone in my family seemed to worry about her without being able to help her. I was neglected since I seemed to be doing just fine. Today I see how much I suffered from this neglect. But today it's only a remnant of the past and I decided to live a life without abuse. I still love my mother dearly and can see her as a victim, who probably suffered from abuse in early childhood herself.
    All this thinking helped me to see that my BPD-ex is a very poor soul, who hurt me because she couldn't let go of the abuse she suffered from in her childhood.
    So; I do love her still and hope she finds a way to resolve these issues that torment her so much in her life.

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  25. I was thrown out by my BP because he said I was becoming to needy - like a clinging vine - and he was afraid of losing his control. I did a lot of stupid things trying to get some sense out of it all to the point of almost acting like a person with BP. During our three year 'relationship' I had a fair bit of emotional abuse but plodded through giving as much love and understanding as I could muster in this process - to him - I was 'clingy'. He recalled his twice departed ex and she came back some days before we had parted - unknown to me - and forgave him - so it was easy for him - no pain. I still can't come to grips with the fact that I could not make him happy as he says he now is with her -six months later. She has him on probation and he appears to be behaving himself. She also has the house they once shared!!!

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  26. I feel for every one of you posting here.

    My ex and I haven't spoken for almost two years. She got a restraining order to break up from me and fabricated a police report trying to have me arrested for something I didn't do. I have a son to her who is almost two, growing up without his Dad.

    One of the strangest things about the break up is how little I know about her moving on. One minute I assumed we were together and the next she was gone. It's by far the sickest thing I've ever experienced and I vowed not to let it consume me.

    To cope with the loss, I reinvested in going to the gym every day. Worked hard on my business and read as much as I could to educate myself on BPD and personality disorders.

    It was difficult to know her due to her Christianity which was really to please her parents who lived close by. They would play down her BPD referring to it as depression. It was almost as if they stage managed her from the time she was born. Like she was seeking approval from parents who could not love, only fear.

    Our sexual relationship was intense especially at the end. The second last break up was for five weeks and she assured me after returning that it was "really" over. That started me thinking she may
    have been lining up other candidates. She also bought new underwear around that time, telling me it was because of her physical changes after the baby which sounded reasonable.

    The last few times together were pretty hot. She had a lot more confidence than usual and was enjoying herself most of the time. Things were never consistent. Sometimes she would tell me to go back to my ex while inside her and then it would be mind blowing.
    Our sex life was like a box of chocolates.

    One of the similarities between our break up and her ex previously, was that she took out a restraining order also. Her ex husband apparently taunted her in the driveway and she reacted by running at him in his car and attacking him. Somehow with the help of her
    Mother, she sighted emotional abuse. He was blocked from seeing his two kids until he took her to court. I will not take her to court because she loves it and court is supposed to be a last resort. She continuously complained about him during our association and he was back on the scene on the phone with her, just before I was dumped.

    In my case, I believe her parents were instrumental in riling her up for the order as she was not even bothered by the animated discussion where my frustrations boiled over. I did get very upset but it wasn't directed at her. I guess I should have filed an order on her for the camel clutch wrestling move she put on me the night before.

    All the hours of listening to her and offering her positive solutions while she bitched about everybody from her parents to her ex and I became the hated?

    She was pacing around the night before telling me how she wanted to jump off a cliff and was in hospital overnight two months earlier for another attempted overdose or whatever her parents could scrounge with the hospital. I never got the full story, I was only her boyfriend. This wasn't the first overdose either. A year before I took her to the emergency room for overdosing and stayed with her all day.

    The relationship was so up and down, she had bailed probably twenty of so times in the months we were associated.

    I remember washing dishes at her house one night while she told me that her ex Husband didn't know she was talking to guys behind his back. She told her parents that he gave her an STD which I don't totally believe. I thought she had been honest in telling me that she was with three guys before me but now I'm not certain she is not an alien.

    She once told me on the phone that she was a little whore and that I am a somebody and she is a nobody. I didn't believe her. I do now.

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  27. Reading these posts have been extremely helpful for my current situation.

    I have just recently been dumped for probably the 20 time by my BPD ex. She pushed to the point of insanity with all her projective identification and emotion blackmail that I eventually snapped and responded hostily and enable her to be the victim. She then phoned a member of her family to come to our place to have me removed (like some criminal) from the house, because I was out for a 1/2 hour past an unscheduled dinner and I wanted her to come to my business christmas function. We had only been dating for 8 months, but enough to flip me completely upside down.
    I gave this beautiful woman everything I had emotionally, physically, physiologically, and got nothing in return except guilt trips for her cooking dinner twice in a week so you should take me on vacation (just an eg.). Why cant you take me on vacation this weekend, You dont love me enough, you dont understand me, get out, I love you"
    7 months ago was probably the happiest and worst time of my life as I we discovered she was pregnant. She was breaking up with me weekly for every reason imaginable, which used to really piss me off because I actually believed her that I was doing something wrong and find the ways to change to make her happy, and keep us together which would create an enormous amount of confusion for me, about who I am through this pshycos eyes.
    She takes a prescription for depression which she decreased the dosage to half because of the pregnancy. Unknown at this point why the miscarriage happened, but she has done a great job of using it as a bargaining chip since then and destroying me in the process consistently believing that i didnt care, and that could never understand her. (For the guy above who has the 15 month old child, you have my deepest sympathies.)
    Since the break up I have committed to no contact (coincidence only), and will continue to do so for the time being. I also am coping with the loss by reinvested in going to the gym every day. Worked hard on my business and read as much as I could to educate myself on BPD and personality disorders.
    Her recent therapist have diagnosed her with depression. This has resulted in her burying everything from her past and forgetting about it instead of confronting it. I have mentioned BPD to her in the past, which she eventually looked into and denied it completely. Then used it as an apology as to how bad she has been treating me and found a way to suck me back in. I insisted that we attend therapy together and rejected that entirely as the only problem is that i need anger management, and that 2 drinks a day means im an alcoholic and Im the only one who needs help.
    She has very little family support as all of her sisters are spoiled rotten, and her father is in denial that there is anything wrong with any of his children, even though he has openly admitted to being the worst father ever. This makes me feel like I'm her only hope to find her sanity.
    She had been previously married to another woman for 9 years, whom she never speaks to, or maybe the ex is still in recovery from emotional abuse. I think now this was a revenge tactic toward her abusive father.
    She threatened to kill herself twice and has done so many times in the past. purely to get attention. I immediately got her into therapy and told my friends and family that I never want to be with her again and just want to make sure that she doesnt hurt herself. She roped me in 3 times more after that.......poor bastard, the sex was really good though.
    She constantly shows up at the places where I am, doing everything in her power to get my attention. I always just leave, cause dont want the drama.
    I remember after the miscarriage, and my relief of not having a baby with her, as I probably never would have been able to see it. She says "I hope you dont ever think I'd try to Trap you with a child"? Mind Games, I'm gonna try and run as far as I can.

    D
    During

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  28. Hang in there. I am still no contact and don't think I will ever be able to have any as she is not able to see truth from lies. The child we had is the unfortunate one in all of this. I hope she can focus on trying to understand how to live a healthy life and be a good Mother but I am not so sure after what I have seen from her.

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  29. Part 1
    Hello to all. This is my (male) first post as a likely "non" married but separated from a likely BPD spouse (female). I can’t say 100% that my wife actually has BPD because she has not been diagnosed. But because of the suggestion of both a friend and family member, I have done some serious research, including reading the book “Stop Walking on Eggshells”. I am almost certain she has BPD.
    I must say that she and I (both in our mid 30’s, both having had a previous marriage) met online. It was amazing. I have been single for five years and thought I was being careful. She swept me off of my feet. Living two states away, we married just 6 weeks after we met each other. I truly felt that I met the woman of my dreams. She is very attractive, very voluptuous. But more importantly, she spoke of a resonating desire to live a good Christian live with her husband. She could tell right off, that I desired this type of life.
    We married at the courthouse while out of town to her family’s house, so I could meet her father. We did not have any family with us as we got married. She mentioned to me previously that he was a very strict person and controlling. As a grown man, I was being respectful, but I was not asking for his blessing. Needless to say, immediately after we left town, he insisted that she leave from me. He didn’t like my version of Christianity, nor did he like that my current income is moderately low (I’m a doctoral student).
    3 weeks after we married, my son and I flew to her city of residence and drove her and her belongings back to my house. She gave up her job, and agreed with the father of her kids (who I spoke with and met) to allow her two daughters finish the school year with their dad, and they would then move here with after the school year.
    It is worth noting that, when I flew to pick her up, the last thing her ex-husband said to her was “don’t put your daddy above your man”. The first week we were together here after the move, we got into an argument over her dad’s obsessive disapproval of me. During this argument, I told her “your going to have to think for yourself, don’t be a chicken.” For me, I was not interested in entertaining shaky emotions on the validity of us getting married. We decided to do this, so we can’t be unsure now. She was highly offended at my comments, and basically shut down. She considered that verbal abuse on that part. Said I was mean to her and didn’t know how to talk to her.
    Through the next month and a half, tensions grew, and while I was away at a professional meeting in late March, she texted me “the key is under the mat, find a ride home from the airport, Im leaving and Im not coming back!”. I was distraught!
    When I came home, I found all her stuff still here, minus her clothes, art and T.V.’s. To her dad’s pleasure, she succumbed to her dad’s pressure and went to live with him. I was in shock to say the least. Through access on my computer, I was able to view her email and phone records, which I never had considered looking at before. Through this information, I found out that she had been unfaithful to me the WHOLE TIME!
    .....

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  30. Part 2 of 3
    Early on, she told me there was a guy in Europe that was VERY interested in her. We agreed she would have to cut all ties with this guy. However, as it turns out, she ended up telling him that she was moving to her boyfriends. She never told him she got married. Two weeks after I moved her here, he emailed her (on her Birthday) flight confirmation for a trip to spend a weekend with her in the city where her dad lives (where we were married). This rendezvous was scheduled to take place 1 month from the time of the email. For that entire month, she lied to me that she would have to visit her dad and drive him to the doctor several hours away. I thought nothing of it, though, after I called the guy (accessing his phone # provided in an earlier email from him to her), I realized they had a physical affair. This guy was very forthcoming with information, realizing NOW, that she was married. However, he was initially thinking I (her husband) was a third person, NOT the guy she was living with. When he realized, I her husband, was IN FACT the same guy, he lost all concern, because she had trashed me to this guy so bad. He then proceeded to tell me, their business was none of my business.
    Emails showed that after their rendezvous, she was sending him job links to get a job in the states, in the state where her dad lived. Essentially, she was lying to the guy (that she wasn’t married), to me, and to her dad, because she was accepting her dad’s bribe to leave me, but she didn’t tell him about the guy she was planning to set up with. She left me 3 weeks after their rendezvous. Phone records showed that they had been talking the whole time we were together. Because she blocked my phone when she left, I called her dad and informed him of her deceit, over and above his deceit against me. He was not pleased at all!
    Moreover, she accepted no accountability and blamed me for her affair, because I called her a chicken. She was also livid that I told her plans to her dad and to the father of her kids. Everything was my fault. At first, I wanted nothing to do with her, but because I truly do love her and thought this was all brought about due to her dad’s pressure, I pleaded with her to reconcile. I actually had to practically beg her to stop talking to the other guy, while my phone was blocked. She did admit the affair was “wrong”, said she repented, but she still didn’t accept accountability for her “lack of commitment” being the reason of our troubles and growing tension. It was my fault, because I was mean. However, I never called this woman out of her name and I never hit her. We were having normal newly wed issues. Still, I apologized, knowing I can be overbearing at times. However, I knew we had a rough road ahead of us. Needed her to get a job and get prepared for her children’s arrival after school was out. There wasn’t time for moonlighting.
    So, about 6 weeks after she left, we decided to reconcile. I was very estatic. I truly loved this woman. However, during this time, because she couldn’t take her dad’s controlling nature or displeasure towards her actions, he moved her back to her home state. She said because of the back and forth, her kids were now reluctant to come live with me and we may have to do long distance for some time (even years) to make the time right for her two kids. However, she said, if she got pregnant, things would be different. She would have to come live with me. Who in her family could argue with her going to be with her husband and father to her arriving kid. About 4 weeks after we decided to reconcile, I bought her a plane ticket to visit me for one week. It was her primary interest, and I was in agreement, to conceive a baby at this time. I bought a second ring for her, on top of the first ring she left here when she deserted me.
    ...

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  31. 3 of 3
    However, Nature called the same day she arrived, so there was no pregnancy! The second day she was here, she picked an argument with me over a female friend I have that prayed for my reconciliation with my wife. I have NEVER had sexual encounter with this woman. However, because I met this woman friend online at the same website I later met my wife, my wife said “she didn’t feel special”. In an argument while I was driving in my truck, my wife said “just let me out, Im walking”. She always liked to walk away from reasonable discussions. I told her I would not stop, and she actually jumped out the truck while it was moving between 15-20 mph. I was livid. I was so excited about the reconciliation and our week together. I couldn’t understand why she would want to create this drama. Plus, she jumped out while we were on the campus I attend for my doctoral studies. If someone saw this, it would make me look really bad. I was tempted to send her back to her hometown that day on a bus, but I had special plans for the week and wanted her company. I overlooked the incident, but that night, I took the rings off, as she said she didn’t feel special. The next day, I returned her the rings, saying this is a symbol of how you are special to me.
    However, later in the week, after I splurged on a near $100 dinner for us, she picked another nonsensical fight. At this point, I snapped, yelling at her, and told her how her dad messed her up and how nothing is ever enough to make her happy. After this fight, things cooled down. I told her, “don’t hold things against me, said in argument”. She considers that abuse. I consider it ventilating in an argument. By the end of week, we were in agreement to WORK IT OUT.
    However, the day after she flew back “home”, she texted me how she was sad and not sure if she would be able to get over the things I said to her when I was upset. Because, I felt she was trying to play games, and entrap me by only coming to move BACK, if she got pregnant – I texted a very harsh text, hoping she would challenge it. I text her “you are not stable enough to be the mother of my kids or the stepmother to my son”. Since this text I sent her 7 weeks ago, she has again blocked my phone (she promised me after the reconciliation, she would NEVER block my number again), and she has pawned the rings (though they are retrievable). She said she is DONE with the marriage, and she will seek divorce in 6 months after she reestablishes residency. Because I DO in fact love her, I want her to show accountability and work the marriage out. But if she presents the papers I will sign them. I also told her that she doesn’t have to wait six months, because her residency is still in-tact in that state. She wasn’t gone long enough.
    I feel like she is pushing me away, but keeping me around. This is the reason she is saying 6 months. Also, when she left the first time, I think she was keeping her option open, but became very resentful after I exposed her folly to family. The hardest thing for me now, is the wait period. Over the past 7 weeks, I have read a lot about BPD and I believe she has it.
    Though I should be counting by Blessings, at the same time, I love her and would reconcile, IF we can get counseling. Right now, she is refusing marriage counseling, even though I found some that are skype accessible, due to the distance. She blames me for everything. Says I’m mean. Says she has already apologized for the affair and it’s my meanness that is the root of the problem. However, I feel like she is the one that is abusive! She is HIGHLY sensitive and says I call her names like chicken, liar, cheater, cry baby. I have called her those names, yes. But not repeatedly. Of her jumping out the truck, she said I blew that out of proportion. She was “having a moment, it wasn’t like you were driving 55 mph, you were only going 15-20 mph”. It sounds very typical of the stuff I read about BPD. No accountability, splitting, projecting, gas lighting. Poor, child-like coping skills. Still, Im having a hard time letting go.

    END 3 of 3

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  32. I am so thankful to have found this post. I was in a relationship with my exBPD for about a 1.5 yrs. We had broken up once and got back together, only the 2nd time around he ended up proposing to me. I was in shock, like all of my friends and family were, but I was also very elated. I loved this man with all my heart, and I finally got the promise of spending the rest of our lives together. Now, I know we had our "episodes" in which I would walk on eggshells and not sure where his anger, depression, blame, fault finding in me, etc came from. We definitely had a roller coaster relationship, which I never understood and tired of.

    Anyhow, he said both times the reason we broke up was because I was lazy, unmotivated, and didn't want to work. Granted, I have my own issues, but after mths of getting myself together to start interviewing, going back to the gym and being the best version of myself he would then breakup with me and say it was too late. I also have to note that my exBPD is exceptional at changing the game when he felt like it. He would want me to work, then wanted me to be around all the time so paid me to stay at home. Then a few mths would be upset that I wasnt "helping the relationship financially". In fact, the 2nd time we got back together I had a job and he made me quit stating "you work too much and we never see each other so it's me or our job". The sad thing was that I am so in love with this man I let him control me and so I quit.

    As I mentioned he said it was my fault for not working and helping out. A mth passed and I started to take care of this new "needy" puppy that he wanted and also was getting pretty aggressive with my resume applying and started seeking full-time upper management positions. At this point I was fed up with the control and Tilt-A-Whirl. I also started going back to the gym. Suddenly, about 3 days ago he told me "I'm not happy in this relationship. I don't want to do this anymore. I CAN'T live like this.". So, crying profusely, bit angry and fed up I packed my stuff and left.

    Where I am now is a mixture of anger, depression, confusion. I kept blaming myself for what went wrong, and replaying it in my head. I couldn't believe I let myself get roped in. I kept telling myself "I am doing what I need to do and it still wasn't good enough. What's wrong with me?". Then, a friend told me to look up BPD and that my ex had a lot of those symptoms. It's the 4th day of our demise and I have to say that researching BPD has given me a lot of answers to the mess that I went through.

    At this point I'm in so much pain that it's hard to even think I could ever get over this. I know I will with time. I did so well the 1st time we broke up (new job, 2 hrs a day at the gym, rekindled with my old friends, etc), and as soon as he saw I didn't need him that's when he roped me back. Unfortunately (but fortunately) I suspect this time he will move on, as he started to consume himself with work (70+ hrs a wk as a general manager and he also runs 3 of his own businesses). He will be so tired everyday that by the time mths and mths have passed I will just be a name and the new "victim" that he will one day have in his life will get to ride the emotional hurricane Katrina.

    Everything he said meant nothing. It was all a lie, a ruse, and a broken promise and heart for me to pick up the pieces. I just pray that I can get over this immense pain and emptiness I feel that has taken over my entire body and mind. I pray that myself and all of you find the peace and become whole again. I guess I could pray for the exBPD, although he doesn't deserve it. ~ Broken heart with a pup

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  33. I have been for more than a year without any kind of communication with by ex BPD. All the elements mentioned by the NONS in this blog are so true!! Thanks God we are not alone! Where is a lot of reading out there that gives a lot of insight. I specially recommend the book of Richar Skerrit. Those were my best companions in "times of temptation". I am even writing myself a "memory" ot the relationship that lasted (on and off) almost 15 years. I was so surprised and devastated with my BPD's behavior in the last stages of our relationship, that I choose as one of my therapies keeping a JOurnal so I could not forget every minute of the abuse inbedded in the relationship. FOr sure, they will never be able to give to another human being a mature love. Any one out there that Knows any BPD recovered and mature? Thanks for sharing!

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  34. The problem Im having, even though I understand the intermittent reinforcement concept, and how hard it is, is how to forgive myself. I went through 3 years with eight recycles. By the end when she had finally found someone else (two weeks ago), she seemed to be the balanced one (except for the intermittent reinforcement). One week before the break, she had told me that we needed to move in together and that she missed me and loved me. It felt like the old stuff was back.

    Im not having to forgive myself for staying. I understand why I did. I understand why she did. Im not mad at her for this. She really thought she loved me. I believe her.

    Im having touble forgiving myself for the fact that when I knew it was really over, and I could not be her friend. I flipped. I MEAN FLIPPED. Wrote the three page douche bag letter telling her how much the push/pull affevted me. There were a hundred stupid texts, until finally she told ME how disgusting, pathetic and repulsive of a stalker I was. And truth be told, if a female friend told me the story of the breakup, I would think the same thing about me. This is the problem Im having trouble moving past.

    If any of you have shared this experience and have suggestions that are without hate towards her. It would be appreciated.

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  35. Oh and not to mention we were friends for 9 years before our relationship....so that puts my "fixer" instincts into overdrive.

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    1. DUDE I'm going through the same thing... I cant understand why I can't just let her go... I know I need to. But I can't. I say it's because I Love her.. She says she loves and misses me. I say of course I love you too. But I know deep down inside we cant be. Yesterday I told her im going to delete her number and off of my facebook and she flipped out, saying Everything i told her was a lie, I dont really love her. blah blah blah.... Then later on that day she emails me to say "Is this what you really want" and my stupid self say No i LOVE you i want to come home (I Moved out 2 weeks ago)and last night I was at the house and we talked and she confessed to me that she has slept with 2 other men and she is trying Just or Today to practice abstinence. And even after that I still want to be with her.... I'm sick

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  36. My closure was realizing that I would never get the closure I needed. I allowed myself to be ok knowing there would never be a closure moment. Then I let it go.

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  37. Part 1
    I knew something was very wrong from the beginning, but the gifts, the cards, the compliments, (I was the man she had prayed for and hoped for all these years. God had answered her prayers when she met me) and the seduction from her, was too much for me to resist. I became her rescuer and savior from her horrible past relationships and from her terrible ex husband. Since I came from a home where my father beat my mother, and as the oldest, felt it my responsibility to protect her, (Once I stood between my dad and mom and said he would have to beat me before he beat her again), I was groomed for the task. I comforted her, consoled her, did everything for her to ease her pain. She is high performing career wise with an MBA and is a VP of Finance and Administration from a respected company. However, in her personal life, almost like a little girl. At 56 she even has the voice of a child.

    Her Father was an abusive alcoholic who paid her no attention. As a little girl she was frightened of him. He died of a massive heart attack when she was 25. Her mother regularly kicked her Dad out of the house and then he would beg his way back in. Her mother suffered severe depression and anxiety. For the past 7 years up to her death she called her kids everyday and begged them to come see her. She declared how lonely she was and how no one loved her. My wife carried a huge amount of guilt because her Mom was so lonely. She would leave me with her children to visit her Mom even though she knew she needed to be home with her kids. Her son would cry when she would leave and I was not equipped to take care of him. In a way she abandoned her own children to take care of her mother, who was actually being well cared for in an upscale assisted living facility only a few miles from our home. As a newlywed, it was sad and maddening to me. So I guess you would say, she and I were a match made in hell.

    Afte marriage the cards, the letters, the compliments, the sex, they all stopped. I became the object of her anger and rage. She would regularly kick me out of the house over the smallest disagreements. I would end up going to a hotel and she would chase me saying please don't leave me. This happened over and over again. My family and friends said I needed to leave the relationship; that she was obviously not stable, but I kept going back. I made a commitment to her, and by God, I was going to honor that commitment. My ex military Father who pulled our pants down and beat us into our late teens, drilled the "I will never quit" philosophy into my head from a small boy.

    The cheating and the lies about the cheating were non stop. Didn't I understand she had male friends before she met me? After all, I had female friends. I would find notes from men telling her of their undying love, but after all, that wasn't something she could control. Flowers would arrive at the door, but they were from "Julie" a friend of hers, even though the card said, "Sorry about last night, John". I was the bad person because I was suspicious. I was the one with the insecurity issues. Don't pay attention to all that, pay attention to you and me, she would say. Each time I would find she had been secretly meeting another man I would leave her. Each time she would beg me not to leave. I began to doubt my own sanity. I knew what I had seen, so how in the world was she able to make me doubt what I had seen?

    The sex became non existent. After all, she was going through the change. After the change didn't I understand that some women lose the desire? I learned to accept the few scraps she gave me and somehow that, maybe at this time of life, this is the way things are supposed to be. Sad, I know.I did everything and bought her everything to make her happy. I nearly ruined myself financially trying to make her happy.

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  38. Part 2
    In the midst of our legal separation she sold her home and bough a new home one door down from my sister and brother in law. of all the places in Indianapolis she could have bought a home? My brother in law is a Pastor of a church and their home is where we hold all of our family functions. She said she bought the home with the idea maybe we would reunite at some point. It was sick and twisted as she hated my sister and thought of my brother in law as a hypocrite. Now she wants to move next to them in hopes we would reunite? I cannot tell you the problems this has caused my family. When you sit on the deck of my sisters house you look right into her driveway. Its crazy.

    We had a trip planned for Florida the first week of April. I had been over at her place the week before and we spent the weekend together, including making love. Things seemed on track. Then the next Friday she dropped the bomb on me. She wasn't happy, How could I be happy. I deserved better than her (she said this often) She had met "someone" and this someone invited her to a military ball and she always wanted to go. Coincidence her son just joined the Army and this "someone" is an Army veteran? How could she make love to me the weekend before, tell me how much she loved and do this to me? Her answer, "I cant tell you . I don't know". Oh, but I was the most amazing man and the most influential person in her life the past 7 years and she was sure she would be seeing me soon! I will have to admit, the coldness at which she went about it all amazed even me.

    I feel for her son. She has made him hate his Father and be totally dependent on her. She kicked her daughter out of the house and because she has a relationship with the father she has little to do with her. But the son.... he can do no wrong. He makes up unbelievable stories, lies, just to get her attention. He gets "hurt" and comes home and has to show her his injuries. He goes to great lengths to tell her about his travails even though they are so minor. A cut, a scrape, a bruise, the normal when you play high school soccer. Then he makes up stories to get her attention and when he has her mesmerized, he says, I was only kidding. He is dating a girl who cuts herself. We found emails he was writing to people online asking how to help her. He joined the Army and ships out in July, He told his Mom he doesn't believe in God and because he signed up for infantry he will probably be killed. He says this over and over to her until she cries. She has groomed him to be a people pleaser and pursue women like her.

    I am on week 3 of NC but its very hard. I lost myself in the chaos and she drove me to the edge of insanity. I was once a strong, confident, out going and personable man. I am now a shell of my former self and know I have a long road of ahead of me.

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