They hurt you, they treated you poorly, they took a part of you, but you still love them.
It's been relatively little time (maybe a week, maybe a month, maybe three), and the Borderline is in a new relationship. Maybe they've told you, maybe you just discovered it, but they're with someone new. They're sleeping with a new partner, and they no longer have any interest in you.
What happened?
BPDs Are Insecure Creatures That Need Someone
I'm generalizing here, but I need to describe the way that many borderlines act. Because borderlines are such insecure creatures and lack self-identity, they need someone to complete them. If they're with another person, they feel like they're fulfilled.
When you were with the borderline, you filled this need. They recognize that you filled this need, but borderlines are parasitic in nature. They take all of their partner, then move on to the next partner where they will repeat their patterns of drama, initial infatuation then devaluation, and ultimately moving on.
Borderlines are in constant conflict internally -- they want someone to complete them, but they don't think that they deserve adoration or love, because they loathe themselves so much.
I remember saying to the borderline after one of our fights, when she was acting insecure and clearly having large issues, "why do you continue acting like that?"
Her response (I don't remember exactly)? "I've always felt like I deserved to be alone, and this may make you go so I'll be alone again."
So, they have a constant internal battle -- they don't love themselves and don't think that they deserve love, yet they need that love and adoration to feel fulfilled.
What a miserable life.
Mature Relationships Not Possible With A BPD
In an normal relationship, a couple gets to know one another, builds trust, then begins to mature and grow together. Their relationship matures, and their love grow deeper as they gain new understandings of one another. The will have disagreements and may fight, but arguments and disagreements are settled in a caring and loving manner.
With a borderline relationship, the relationships never mature. Like the movie Groundhog Day
, the Non has the same things happen with a borderline over and over again. The borderline's insecurities and feeling of inadequacy are never sated, so they continue to project these insecurities onto their Non partner with accusations, explosions about certain occurrences, and the like. They will start fights about, well, you don't know. In the end, you will end up feeling like you are always rebuilding the relationship and starting from ground zero with regards to trust, respect and all the foundational elements and building blocks of a solid relationship.Time To Go
This self-loathing, constant Groundhog Day
scenario and world of continual rebuilding makes the borderline create a world of total dysfunction. The world can be so crazy that they eventually feel like something must be wrong with you if you stay in the relationship. Borderlines don't like being broken up with -- it makes them feel unlovable and validates their suspicions that they aren't worthy. So, what do they do?They find someone new. And your heart is broken.
They most likely think about you, and if the relationship doesn't work, they may come back to you, Hoovering you back in. But the cycle will continue.
At this point, the typical borderline pattern of abuse has started. Get out. It's not going to end the way you want -- you will not sail off into the sunset with your borderline, unless she admits her problems and gets help.
It's tough, but borderlines move on easily because you have filled a part for them. Now they've found someone else to fill that part, and they don't need you any more.
In upcoming posts, we'll cover what the borderline does for you. The adoration you got -- how it made you feel, and how it's actually a flaw in you that needs to be addressed.
So there was never any love? The BPD is incapable of love in the way we nons are. They do not feel as if their heart has been ripped out and crushed. They move on to another and start all over again. Soul destroying is it not. All that we nons gave,the torture the BPD put us through.
ReplyDeleteNo. As a borderline I feel intense emotional pain at the thought of losing someone I've fallen in love with. Moving on to another man is the only way to deal with the pain. I personally avoid intimacy because that's where I feel the most insecure and terrified of loss. I don't rebound because I've learned to grieve relationships. The problem is that borderlines love too hard. It is scary and impossible to stop and the mind churns endlessly throughout the night. Love hurts the borderline more than you could ever understand, and we are messy lovers. But every man I've ever loved, I've loved with all of my heart, and losing them hurt a lot. It's why I try to avoid love altogether. Safe, but lonely. I'm sorry for what borderlines have done to in the past, but they are dealing with a lot of emotional turmoil and love will destroy a borderline as much as the Non.
DeleteNo. As a borderline I feel intense emotional pain at the thought of losing someone I've fallen in love with. Moving on to another man is the only way to deal with the pain of knowing that your world will soon be in another person's bed soon enough. That is the most terrifying part of a breakup in the eyes of a borderline. I personally avoid intimacy because that's where I feel the most insecure and terrified of loss. I don't rebound because I've learned to grieve relationships. The problem is that borderlines love too hard and it's very difficult to handle. It is scary and impossible to stop and the mind churns endlessly throughout the night. Love hurts the borderline more than you could ever understand, and we are messy lovers. But every man I've ever loved, I've loved with all of my heart, and losing them hurt a lot. It's why I try to avoid love altogether. Safe, but lonely. I'm sorry for what borderlines have done to you in the past, but they are dealing with a lot of emotional turmoil and love will destroy a borderline as much as the Non.
DeleteThis blog has not only helped me rationalize an experience that I believed was exclusive to me, it has become my favorite forum on the web for sharing related experiences. The author has shared some valuable insight, as well as those who reply in the comment section. Thanks to everyone for their input... it has helped me scrub away some of the crazy residue left behind by my ex.
ReplyDeleteI've processed and put behind me most of my episode, and feel much better than I did a month ago, 2 months ago, etc, but I find one particular "thought loop" that is tough to break.
By nature I am a caring, loving person. Once I overcame my anger, I found myself feeling sorry for her, but then I remember how poorly she treated me and ended our relationship and I become angry again, renewing the cycle. Even with no contact this is a tough cycle to break.
What I fell in love with wasn't a person, but the image that was created in the beginning, when she called me "adorable" when I brought her flowers, cooked for me when I moved in, snuggled hard against me when we layed in bed, gave me more attention than I ever imagined possible in such a short period of time.
When her true, twisted self began to emerge is when I began lying to myself, clinging to the admirable image for the future that I had constructed.
Like the time we were at the beach. She and her sister walked away down the shoreline to search for sand dollars. I walked up and told her that I was going back to stay with my friend and keep him company. She looked at me with this crazy stare, not saying a word. "This is strange" I told myself, left to ponder the words her mind would not allow her to say. Looking back, it was probably, "How dare you not follow me around like the obedient dog I am training you to be!"
Yep, there's still a little crazy that needs to be scrubbed off.
Your experience resonates with me so much. I have recently split with my partner (she left after painting me black). The initial infatuation was so much, looking back now it was too good to be true. Slowly but surely, her true colours were revealed. Constant knit picking, twisted distortions of the truth and the most absurd accusations leveled against me. I ended up seriously ill in hospital through stress. All at 23!, which according to her I bought on myself. It is in truth, the most extreme form of selfishness imaginable for them not to have any comprehension of the impact they have on people's lives. Especially those that love them
DeleteThank you so much for this... exactly how I am feeling in ending my relationship with my BPD partner... I never knew what hit me.... thank you
DeleteAnonymous , I understand absolutely now the 'feeling sorry' card gets played out .
ReplyDeleteI broke up , finally with my ex BF ( BPD exBF) a month ago , because of many many issues , cheating , lying, manipulation etc and initially felt relief , then anger and now compassion , ugh I know , the more I learn about his condition the more I feel sorry for him . It's a sad , tragic disorder they have and what it does to us Nons . But , I don't him back . I understand the co dependant issue from myself also and Im working on that and yes , like you I fell in love with the illusion not the person , I know that now .
It feels like an awakening for me , learning about the disorder has made me put the crazy jigsaw together .
I sent a straight forward , I care but im stepping aside email and his response was odd, dis regarding my actions and saying how much he loved me and hadnt ruled out a potential relationship still ? he actually read it completely differently , and blatantly manipulated everything I had said . At this point I truly realize how distorted their mindset is . I haven't responded and I recieve a phone cll at 3am two days ago . Im not returning it either . I read that eventually they will just give up and realize i'm done with all this . I guess time will tell . Good luck to everyone coping with the aftermath of a BPD break up .
Where have gone? In need of more healing for us NONS.
ReplyDeleteThe non is interchangeable. You can easily be replaced. Like a set of tires. My ex bpd girlfriedn was married six months and she called me on my birthday. Her husband was out at sea, he was in the navy. Here is what she said in a very demonic raspy voice "Husbannnnds, husbannnnnnds, Husbannnnds DIE, you are a husband, therefore you must die tonight!" The hair stood up on the back of my neck. But I just did not interact. I just put the phone down and I let her rage. She raged for 45 mins. I guess she was hurting because her husband was away, so she made me her husband at that moment and raged at me. Us nons, are all the same person, interchangeable. By letting her rage, I did not get drained, and she did not get narcissistic supply from me. She had to hang up the phone on her own. If I would have hung up she would have called back. Yes the pain will always be there. It is a growth experience, use the lessions wisely. Help others who find themselves in bpd hell.
ReplyDeleteWe DO NOT move on, we never do. If anything we hurt more than you non-bpd's, just coz we don't show it. We do feel as if our hearts have been ripped out and crushed, but we need to be with someone/anyone to feel like a person, we may not even like the person we have moved on to be with so quickly, we just need that compulsive love, or being without it will pain us.
ReplyDeleteSo how do we nons prove our worth? When a bpd cheats it destroys us. We do everything we can to make things better and we get nothing but silence.
DeleteSo why do you BPD's destroy the love we NON's gave in abundance? God forbid that you BPD'S should feel pained. Karma.
ReplyDeleteI have just been told by a friend of mine that my ex BPD's girlfriend is my double!!!! She said you would truly think she was me. Her figure,her height,her hair. Only when you are up close you realise it is not me. To top it off her name is Hazel.!!!!! This is so un-nerving. So damned CREEPY! He has been with her for nearly a year and moved in with her with-in weeks of meeting her. During this time he has sent me txts. Blank ones. Can you let me know your thoughts on this please. That's to all of you in our community. Thankyou, Hazel.the first!!!
ReplyDeleteWelcome to the the land of Oz ;) My first thoughts on this: just fricking coincidence that he had run into your double. But its scary indeed. Probably its a lot more easier for him to move in with her. Its more safe for him to take a mirror that is not so different as the one that he had just broke apart, so he sees the same reflection. He spared himselfs some visualization energy. Understand that they don't look at themselves to feel the world..which I think is very very sad.
ReplyDeleteMy BPD-ex was a Machiavallistic manipulator. I still remember the day that she explained to me how to play the game "Machiavelli". She loved it, until I knew how to beat her. I should have known by then.
Don't forget to love your enemy the most, it will finally set you free
I don't think he went on a hunt to find a me look-a-like but never the less i find it weird that he can have a relationship with her right after me.A year and nine months after the relationship ended i still cannot date. If i ever do it would freak me out if he looked so much like my ex-BPD! I would run for the hills. It would be living a nightmare every day. So strange,infact too strange for me to get my head around. Thanks for your comment.:)
ReplyDeleteSounds like what I am going through. I just broke up with a girl that I know has BPD, and at first I felt relief, but slowly I began to piece together the relationship and have answered most of the questions she would never answer for me. Lying, cheating, manipulating, bringing the worst out in me, selfish, cold, and all I ever wanted was to love her and have a life together.
ReplyDeleteShe has since shut me out with no contact and despite the way she treated me I miss her like crazy. She really hurt me. Bee
It is so sad that had we known all about BPD before we got involved (& yes I would have still got involved) it would helps much. However we make mistakes while learning and they never forgive us for those mistakes - its a no win!
DeleteI am exactly the same. Mine has painted me as Black as possible and snarls at me if we meet when my only crime was to eventually call her on her BPD and tell her the last tine she left she could not come back unless she went for help. Despite everything I miss her. if I had known as much about BPD as I do now I would not have hurt her by reacting the way I did to the push and pulls. However once they know you know they are off to an easier target - its a no win!
DeleteThe Borderline loves you like a child loves a new toy - once the initial novelty wears off you will be discarded with the trash. The Borderline is skillful with the manipulation of words and emotions. BPD words are empty, hollow and worthless. The words of a BPD will rarely match their actions. There is only one sure way a relationship with a BPD can end - emotional, spiritual, financial and personal annihilation for the non. They will suck the lifeforce out of you leaving you to feel as though your soul has been raped. This is how they grow - they have no personality other then a broken mossaic personlity made up of peices of other nons personalities that they have stolen along the way, just like yours. They are humans but they are not 'people' - the lack all the basic prerequisite emotions that constitute a 'person'. Don't beleive the hype, don't beleive their sob stories, excuses, promises etc... You have all been there before and you know it goes nowhere. Most professionals I know will not knowingly take on BPD clients - yes, that's right - they even f*ck with the minds of the profesinally trained. Stop trying to rationise the behaviour of the BPD it only serves to f*ck your mind up and deprives you (the non) of an opportunity to feel then pain, greive and to acheive self growth. The BDP is incappable of mature adult love - that's all you need to know. Let go, let them fall into the abyis of lonliness without taking you down with them. Save youself, your sanity and your soul. Find yourself again, not the one that has been corrupted by proximity to the BPD, the self pre-borderline. Once you find yourself again you will find love again. The BDP is beyond hope - hopeless. Remember, this is their problem, not yours. Save yourself, heal, recover and enjoy happiness once more.
ReplyDeleteDivorce rates are through the roof, and the reasons are as varied as the colors of a spectrum. Mine is simple - in a complicated way.
ReplyDeleteAfter 8 years of marriage, the last 2 being full of separations, it's finally coming to an end. Before the separation life was absolutely miserable. No one knew when, what or where a manic episode would begin. Nothing seemed to be trigger indicators. And going through the period when my husband was in complete denial of the problem was some of the hardest times I've ever lived through. After all, this man (in the early years) was the absolute love of my life. I was saying "You complete me" before the movie even hit the theaters. But after a time everything changed. The man I married was lost somewhere and no one could find him.
My dilemma was complex in reaching the decision to agree to his request for a divorce. After all, I wouldn't divorce a man who became a diabetic, or acquired cancer, so how can I rationalize divorcing a man with a mental illness? Many long nights have been spent on this over the past few years, with my decision to agree to his request finally being reached in the past month. I give up. I'm tired of fighting with the situation. Of the middle of the night phone calls from a babbling person. Of not knowing whether his sudden outbursts would be something to fear or just a calm and friendly. And of trying to help him - Lord knows I have tried to help ... physically and emotionally.
What's the moral thing to do? The ethical way to proceed? The Christian way to go? These are but a few questions that have been consuming that committee in my head for a very long time. I know my Church frowns upon divorce, but they do accept it (most of the time). Since reaching my decision not only do I have to go through the legal finalization but also the "annulment" via the Church (which takes a couple of years sometimes). It will be like digging up the dead all over again once that part comes around.
Once my decision was made, the emotions that accompanied it were phenomenal. Maybe I missed that day in psych class during college, but I cannot understand how a person can feel happy, relieved and confident while simultaneously feeling sad, depressed and lost. Go figure. However those emotions coincide, they did (and still do on occasion).
Borderline Personality Disorder people can live "normal" lives. (Don't get me started on what "normal" is - I don't think there is such a critter any more) They can be responsible, productive, independent beings. This one can't. Or he won't. That's part of the difficulty as well - who really knows if the person really is unreachable or if he is simply playing the part for their own benefit? My husband would tell me that he did or said something in order to get sympathy, so is that the reason he cannot obtain that level of independent functionality? Only he and his God knows.
I guess I could claim rational comfort in saying that he asked for the divorce, rather than my wanting it. I didn't for the longest time because I just knew that wonderful man was still in there somewhere. I could see it in his eyes from time to time ( you know what I mean). As the Borderline Personality Disorder years have gone by, that great man has sunk deeper and deeper in to the depths of the now ever-present Borderline Personality Disorder being. Now, I'm all for it.
Even with the most horrible marriages, divorce is a form of death. People have to go through the grieving stages (darn it!). Some aren't as affected as others, while there are those who are quite surprised how sad they feel about ending what was a bad situation. Guess I fall within that last group. And let me tell you - I don't EVEN like it
Hello everyone...
ReplyDeleteAnd its been very interesting but really hard and sad to read all the stories on here...
I myself am almost sure now my ex boyfriend has BPD...( so sad to realise this...but an awakening too) We have only just split very recently (I ended it and it was very tough)
He displays ALL of the symptoms...One day he absolutely loves and adores me and the next he hates and loathes me over the smallest of things...He is abusive, overly dramatic...turns on the tears at will...manipulative...tells lies constantly..Spends money he doesnt have...talks to girls online behind my back...is aggressive...and never ever answers a question directly...We have split over the last six months so much i cant tell you how many times(we have been together for nearly two years)...He has never done anything for me...but EXPECTS everything from me..
But the thing is i feel so sorry for him...I wish i didnt but its very hard...As i know he had a very abusive father (physically abusive who was an alcoholic)... can anyone suggest how i stop feeling the pity for him? And how i can move on?...As i do still love him...but i know its hopeless...
Gosh! That sounds like a guy I dated, was he a carpenter full of tatoes? When we first met , he definitely pursued me in a very strong way, so intense and made me feel like I was the perfect women for him, he finally found his perfect match. It was an intense love affair . He portrayedd that he was a kind and generous person and loving and I I fell hard for him. But that did not last long. His first Violent out burst he had was shocking, He behaved the same way, very verbally abusive, overly dramatic, shedding tears, compulsive lying, impulsive spending, talking to other girls on cell (dating site) and now he is gone and I feel that my soul has been tourn apart. We were on and off for 3 1/2 years nd he has finally moved on with someone else. And I'm left picking up the pieces. I have read a lot about BPD and how it affects them but not enough on how it affects their partners and families....we need support. I feel the same, I still love him or was it the thought of him that was put in my mind about him. It was a roller coaster ride that no one should go through.
DeleteI met my ex girlfriend early in college. We dated for a bit and called it quits. About six years later we ran into each other while she was married and the chemistry was still there. Although neither of us acted on it. And never admitted to each other it was there until I ran into to her after her separation. We began dating and the feeling of being with her was like nothing I had ever felt in my entire life. I was at such a good point in my life, personally and professionally. We dated for a month and broke it off. I couldn't understand her need to move so fast. But for some reason I couldn't let her go. She had already started dating someone and I went back and told her I wanted to give it a real shot. We began dating again and the relationship lasted for almost two years. During that time the highs and lows of the relationship were extreme. The emotional, sexual, and love were so intense. But everything I did was either for her or against her in her mind. My individuality was gone. My relationships with my family and friends suffered. The job I loved before I met her was impossible to have while being with her. I had to commit so much to handling the relationship that I had hardly any time for anything else. Any little thing I did was a huge deal. Five minute disagreements turned into hour long arguments. She slapped me a few times, raged on me numerous times and still I stayed. We would have a couple of good weeks and then everything that was positive never happened or didn't matter in her mind if one little thing happened. Our relationship ended on her birthday when I accidently locked the keys in the car and we couldn't get into the house we had moved into 4 months earlier and she hit me in the face and broke my nose. My parents had to pick me up at the hospital at 4 a.m. Something I would never wish on anyone. She had been drinking and woke up the next morning and her mom came and got her and took her home to Florida were they put her in intense therapy and found out she had BPD. I had never heard of the disease and once reading thought maybe we could deal with it together. Obviously a huge mistake, but I loved her and thought at the time that now that we knew what she had been dealing with, we might have a chance. I began therapy myself and we started seeing each other secretly. After a few months I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't forgive her, and I couldn't ask my family and friends to do so either. She moved away and we still communicated, trying to remain friends, while she was still asking me if I would move to her town. The love I had just wouldn't let me quit. She was asking me to move, telling me she still loved, and missed me. Then my best friend had to be the one to tell me she was engaged and had been for months to a guy she met as soon as she moved up there. I confronted her about this and just wanted to understand how she could keep this from me and lie to me, how she could make such a huge decision. I mean I was devastated about the whole thing and falling in love with another girl was impossible at that point in my life, even being close to someone now is something I struggle with. But she wouldn't admit anything she had done was wrong. So I finally did something I should have done the night she hit me. Cut off all contact. It wasn't an easy decision, actually the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Even harder than ending the relationship. Along with not trying to understand her thoughts, feelings, etc. Picking up the pieces from a relationship with someone with BPD is a tough task. Amazing how you are left with all the consequences and they can move on so quickly. Not easy, but reading others experiences definitely helps.
ReplyDeleteI disagree that the BPD does not need you after a break up. I think they need to project their negative thoughts onto somebody. If you ignore them they have to either find someone else to deal with their crap or suppress those negative emotions with overt happiness. My ex bpd is apparently (I blocked her) going wild on Facebook with how great life is and how wonderful her new man is. Does anyone have any thoughts on the correlation between the speed and intensity of idealisation and the pace of devaluation?
ReplyDeleteIts me the psychiatrist again, when a person with BPD is alone its more difficult for them than you or I could ever imagine. They dont know who they are, they are filled with a chronic emptiness, they are unable to focus on anything.
ReplyDeleteIm sure you have heard of the borderlines who are prolific self harmers and attempt suicide numerable times? that is how uncomfortable it is being alone for the person with BPD.
the idealisation and devaluation mentioned is caused by the splitting, they are unable to hold two frames of thought in mind at the same time.
I understand its hard for you all to imagine right now, but your exes with BPD have not set out to intentionally hurt you, their emotions are out of control, their thinking is completely different.
I believe to answer to all your recoveries is to understand this disorder much better, then you will accept that its not you that was the problem but the disorder.
I have a few people with BPD on my patient list who have indeed managed to hold onto long term relationships, their partners have accepted this disorder, learnt about it and know not to take the words and actions of the person with BPD personally, they dont mean any of it, they just have not learnt to express in a rational manner.
A book I would recommend here is Get me out of her, by rachel reiland.
Hello everyone, I was involved with a woman for 3 plus years who i now know has BPD. We started out with a Friends with Benny's relationship.
ReplyDeleteAt that time she was trying very hard to get me into a relationship with her. I resisted and didn't know why but now believe it was my instincts kicking in.
Something didn't feel right but eventually i gave in we began dating and like all other posts it was magic at first. But I remember one day when things were going great just out of the blue she said this to me " I'M GONNA BREAK YOUR HEART " She was true to her word. She told me that in June of 09 she broke up with me in Oct. 09. She tried to do several times before the fall but i talked her out of it etc. LISTEN TO THEM THEY WILL TELL YOU WHAT THEY'RE GOING TO DO !!! DON'T IGNORE IT LIKE I DID !
The BPD dance began in earnest with the breakup,make up,every 6 weeks and may i add that the breakups were all for absolutely no reason. But not in her mind. So she continued to do this i would continue to take her back when she came back around.
Of course to her all the breakups were my fault " I'm insecure " " I'm obsessed, wont let her be a free spirit " Etc. Then last July 2010, out of the blue another breakup this after we had planned and i payed for a trip we were going to take in the fall. I was absolutely devastated by this one didn't see it coming.
But actually when i think back People with BPD are like a strong thunderstorm on a beautiful summer day. One moment its beautiful and all's good then you hear the thunder in the distance which you ignore until suddenly its pouring rain, wind and lightening. And that was me each time we got back together or i was hoovered. She always gave me plenty of distant thunder but i was so elated to be back with her i ignored it. And we know what the distant thunder consists of, Criticism, With holding intimacy ( sex )Etc. Etc. Etc.
So we hadn't spoke for the rest of the summer. She was running the bars having sex with strangers etc. I was hurting. I knew about BPD by now but its funny when i'm around her i always seemed to lose my radar and forget that she has this. I want to believe what she's saying etc. In this time i met a new girl who is a non. She's a sweetheart with none of the prevailing issues i'm used to with the BPD girl.
After not speaking to me for 3 months The BPD saw me with this new person on Memorial day weekend. It started a full on hoover by her of the I Love you, I miss you, Etc. Once again i couldn't resist her allure but i didn't jump back into her i kept my distance. My instincts were on high so was my radar ( For Once ) She tried everything including going to a therapist with me and always telling me to dump the new girl. This screwed my head up but i didn't dump the new girl i kept my distance and waited to see what she would do. I KNOW HOW THIS MOVIE ENDS !!!
Yup you guessed it. She eventually got tired of waiting and told me she met a new guy who she has feelings for and is comfortable with. She has stopped all contact. This is good for me i feel good again.
The moral to this story is SHAME ON ME ! I shouldn't have even engaged her on any level but i do and always will have a deep love in my heart for her. But as i've read on these posts so often i fell for the girl i initially met. That person doesn't exist. She is an actor and not the real person. She has to work on her as i do on me.
Amy winehouse died from an overdose two hours ago, she had BPD, I hope all you haters are pleased with yourselves
ReplyDeleteHaters? Do you have any real comprehension of what effect people with BPD have on those who love and attempt to care for them? I recently seperated from my girlfriend of 4 years, who I adored, but who gradually wore me down to such an extent with her mistrust and insecurities that I suffered a heart attack,at 23, I am otherwise perfectly healthy with no underlying physical problems. This attack, which of course was 'my fault'. People suffering with this emotional disturbance are to be pitied, but you cannot help someone with the emotional development of a 3 year old. It is incredibly painful for their partners, you should appreciate that. In one sense, it is the most extreme form of selfishness one can imagine, no matter what you do to demonstrate your love, commitment and feelings for such a person, they can't accept it. They are like a water bottle you place under a tap, but the bottle has a hole in the base, they cannot retain your love.
DeleteI have to totally agree with you on the fact that they are like a bottle with a hole in the bottom that can never be filled. invested three years with my ex bpd boyfriend and did everything humanely possible to help him get his life in order. He became a part of my family which thought he was justa great guy that had committment issues due to the push/pull syndrom every six weeks. After he sucked the life out of me emotionally and financially he just decidedthat he couldnt deal with all of the inner conflicts and thought it be best not to hurt us anymore and end it. Leaving me and my son who loved and adored him and wished he was his dad to pick up the pieces of the devastation he left behind. So if that makes us haters then you need to look up the definition of hate because there was no hate it was all love but only one way. I sometimes wonder do they ever realise the devastationthat they leave behind and do they have any remorse for allowing us into their lives knowing that they have an illness but present themselves as norma knowing that they will never be able to match fheir words to fheir actions and keep any of the promises they make?
DeleteI must disagree! I'm in a very healthy relationship with a man which has BPD. He us very loving, we never argue, and we live together. Just because a person with BPD is different doesn't mean you can judge them cause they aren't like you. I wouldn't break up with my boyfriend if God himself told me to.
DeleteFrom what you say I very much doubt your man has BPD - even if a Doctor gave him the diagnosis
DeleteI've been split up with my ex now who had BPD for around 3 weeks now, im finding it so difficult. Its so hard not to contact him, and you know that hes the one thats hurt you but it feels the other way round. Hes not contacted me what so ever for the past 2 weeks, its just so confusing after being together for a couple of years, them telling you how much they need and love you and then once you split up thats it, they find it so easy to move on.. Really hurts, i just WISH they would realise heartbreaking feelings because it hurts me even more to know he finds it ever so easy, hes so manipulative that when we split up he turned it round to me and said that when he was being abusive i should of been more calm and it would of all stopped! he made me beleive it was all my fault, he always did. My friends lost contact with me, didn't wanna know me when i was with him and thats why i would always run back to him because i didn't think i would have anyone, felt like he was my hero the only thing i needed but honestly i feel great now, i feel free! i can do what i want, im not controlled what so ever! i can actually be enjoy life now, go clubbing see my friends! I think its best if you change your number when you break up, its really hard but it does you a whole lotta good, you can be tempted to talk to them but you just can't. Im really do feel for him though, having that illness must be so hard and hes tried to get so much help but after councilling he always said that its made him feel worse, its like they can't hear the truth about what there like because they don't understand it!
ReplyDeletewe had so many amazing memories together, but bad ones as well he also was a drug addict at first + i got into the habit with him and thats how he hoovered me into his life, it was all about drugs then eventually when we both came off them i was too attached to him. I needed him! i didn't care about anything else...... i can't believe how head twisting they are, there brilliant at manipulation. It was funny once, my friend used to always go onto me how much i shouldn't be with him, and how much he was bad for me, he decided to call him up and shout at him about the way hes been treating me, but funny thing was (my ex) manipulated my friend and he ended up thinking he was in the right. God im rambling on now but its nice to let it out. Just so upsetting, is it true that they can't be in love? Do you think they even think about you, or miss you? or is that there hobby, just being in relationships with mostly vulnerable people they can take advantage of. I don't know... hes got over me so quickly, so tempted to talk to him! HARDDD TIMES DUDES.
To the previous post.....Did anyone of us NONS mention hate? We loved til we had no more left to give. Hate is a word the BPD's use and often. Sad to here of Amy Winehouse death. She was someone's daughter. Lots of love sent to her family.
ReplyDeleteMy exbpdgf relied heavily upon me in terms of emotional and financial support, so when she started the push/pull I made it clear that I would not tolerate it and finally decided to stop seeing her on July 7th. I was hurt and confused for a few weeks but I knew it wouldnt be long before she was with a new man/woman. We talked a few times and she's very emotional with me, but I understand that. Just last week I saw photos of her with a new gf in a bar and the needy gf was kissing her and my exbpdgf was looking away, disinterested, arms folded, legs crossed, body and head facing the other direction. Totally not interested in the new nongf but with her! Once I saw that, I realized how the other person is a tool to fill her emptiness. The new person is 100% different from me. I suspect that my ex will soon break up with her new non and be with someone else who is more of a parent. But seeing the photos was a relief. Yes. She will have sex with anyone of any caliber. Yes. She is empty and alone. Yes. She is doing nothing about it. Yes. This will continue indefinitely.
ReplyDeleteI was with a woman for almost three years, living together, had a daughter, building a life together. Then suddenly like flipping a light switch, she said we needed a break, moved out, started dating another man, and now living with him as if it was nothing. Needless to say I am devestated, not to mention the thought of my two year old daughter spending more time with another man than me now just kills me. Even knowing now, through research and talking to her family members she has BPD, it's hard to digest all of her actions in such a short period of time. I am aware the illness is devestating to live with for her and really believe she didn't set out to hurt me, but she knows she did anyway. What a psychological hell this illness creates for the person who has it and all those who are around it.
ReplyDeleteI am not sure my ex actually has bpd, but I truly believe there is something wrong with his mind or way of thinking. He is very manipulative, controlling, threated me with the law, and blamed everything on me. We have a 3 1/2 year old son together and he is now trying to take him away from me. I was a stay at home mom and took care of our boy 98% of the time. He has thrown me out of (what was our home) his home 3 times and after each time he would say how sorry he was for everything and to let him prove he can be the man he knows that he can be. He would promise and say all these wonderful things to get me to come back, but the honeymoon stage never lasted more than a few days. He always carried some kind of anger or resentment towards me. This last split happened after he called the police on me because he said I don't know how to calm down and I'd had a few drinks/argued with him. I am stunnded at the evil lengths he goes to in order to hurt or control me. It's been 3 months since our separation and he brought a new woman with him when we met to exchange our little boy. It didn't bother me seeing her at first because I truly thought the whole scene was a pathetic attempt to push my buttons. However, now that I've had time to let the reality of it settle in, it hurts to know that he just moved on and was able to forget me so easily. We were engaged for God sake and now he has a new friend with kids staying over at his house. I know I should be grateful it's not me enduring all the pain, but it's so hard to move on when you wanted something so badly you weren't able to preserve. He was so amazing in the beginning, I never imagined we'd ever have too much of a difficult time together, but things just starting happening and I didn't know how to co-exist with him. If I fought back, I was disrespectful and abusive. If I didn't stand up for myself, I felt like a door mat. I pray I get over this soon and I can put this person behind me, but it's hard to let go of the "dream" life I envisioned. Now I have a little boy that is going to suffer because of our failed relationship. Why do I pick up the pieces and become whole again???
ReplyDeleteYou are a veteran of The BPD WAR. Find humor in madness. You have broken through the relationship crucible. You are a survivor, a Darwinian success. go now into the great void and find life
ReplyDeleteYou are a veteran of The BPD WAR. Find humor in madness. You have broken through the relationship crucible. You are a survivor, a Darwinian success. go now into the great void and find life
ReplyDeleteMy BPD was an adoptee. I found her Mother. Now I understand the rage and betrayal (in hindsight). She was always spending, living beyond means. This is easy to do, when your soon to be ex-husband brings home the bacon, even as she put HIM in relationship limbo, and told ME he was bad, insinuated he was witholding affection, gay, etc. etc.
ReplyDeleteBPD gal was very good at APPEARING independant, drive a Jaguar, etc. Did I mention she used to be an ACTRESS as her profession?
Finding her mother meant relationship death. I became the target of displaced rage. This never made sense to me, as it was her MOTHER and not me who abandoned her. Mom turnedhow out tothe be ofthe very modest means. She dated another man behind my back. And married him. Husband and "easy mark" #1? Seriously ill, certainly a shortened lifespan. Me? (Easy Mark #2) I've had a stroke at a relatively young age. And consequently, I have been handed the "gift" of a lower quality of life, and (likely) a shortened life span as well. So now I gaze at facebook, (I don't have a facebook and I don't want one...I think it's kind of creepy and prefer three dimensional friends with face to face interaction, but I digress) and what do I see? "Easy Mark Victim #3" and her on the "front page". Jealous? You've GOT to be kidding, right? I feel sorry for him. I hope that he gets away before it is too late and he suffers as we have. I am sorry she was abandoned as a child. But she is wearing her big girl pants now (or should be) and TRUST ME... she knows EXACTLY what she is doing.
And we (society in general) have given a pass way,way,way too many times to these folks, who do incredible harm. A BITCH out of control is merely, well.... a BITCH out of control. No more, but NO LESS! Never turn your back on such a woman. Never. They can and WILL kill you. And "slow homicide" NEVER gets punished, but if you don't think this gal is a serial killer, better do the math again! But the years you lose as aI result of your health being destroyed? You don't get them back.
Yep, and while your DEATH CERTIFICATE moldering in some county clerk's office somewhere will state "coronary disease" or some such ailment as your cause of death, SHE will be enjoying a pleasant life and retirement, and "Super Bonus Green Stamps" if she managed to take out an insurance policy on you as well. By the way, she will enjoy this with Victim #(N) , as the pattern NEVER stops.
Hi all, i'm two months into marriage seperation from my bpd wife. Most of this mirrors my experiences almost like your all watching a tv program on my life. Within a few days of seperating she was with somebody else and tells everyone how happy she now is. Its like somebody swapped my loving wifes brain out for a complete stranger. We have 2 young children together and i have been told even tho she proomised it wouldnt happen my children have spent time with this new person. Everybody has told her she shouldnt do this as the kids are trying to get used to daddy not being there but she doesnt listen to what anybody says and seems to live in a bubble. Has anybody else had this experience? Is there any way to break down the communication barrier and actually get through on important things like this?
ReplyDeletei am a bpd myself but i dont lie to people n dont cheat people coz i have set very high standards for me but all other symptoms are there like insecurity, no sense of self , dependent on one person , fall in love head over heals,den coz my insecurity n dependence , the person takes me for granted, ignores but i behave clintchy , he ignores me more , i say sorry without my fault, cling on more, he behaves bad, i record dat but behave usual supersweet as i can either hate or love a person at one time, when his bad behaviour accumulates to d limit i cant take , i leave him , he gets heartbroken coz i was supersweet so he thought i wud never leave..........we r not bad people n we we dont intentionally hurt someone
ReplyDeleteI just recently split up with my bdp girlfriend. We dated for roughly a year. To make matters worse, we work together in a small office of 5 people. When she first started working here, she was seen in the parking lot with her bf at the time who would stop by on his way to work to say hi. About a week went by and apparently they had a big fight. The next few times he would stop by, it was because he was stalking her. She approached me in the most aggressive way i have ever been approached by a female. I truly blew her off for over a month until i gave in and started hanging out after work with her. Long story short, i tried to end it after a few weeks and she had her first fit in front of me. I was like everyone who has hurt her. I went back to her and for a brief time, it was the best thing i have every been a part of..
ReplyDeleteThen everything changed. It went from trying to move in, to having kids, to getting married and we had only been together for roughly 3 months. She never moved in but practically stayed there every night. She always had other options, guys texting her, but i thought she wouldnt be dumb enough to cheat due to us working together. I have never proved it but now i figure she did from time to time.
To shorten this up...the on and off relationship started happening but i always went back. Over New Years we broke up due to one of her violent fits, i was tired of it. Well the following Friday i found out she was talking and hanging out with someone within 2-3 days of breaking up. She still comes to my office or sends me messages wanting to talk and talks about stuff related to our relationship. So i gave in and called her the other night. She stated that her and the other guy were just talking and she wanted to talk to me but that night wasnt a good night to talk. I just wanted to find out for myself what was going on...well you know this already...the guy was over there. She has the nerve to come in my office first thing today saying she still wants to talk to me. She stated that nothing happened so she couldnt understand why i wont talk to her. No remorse, nothing but lies. Very tough to date someone with this disorder. It does help to know its not you but it will have your head spinning!!!
I am six months out of the most beautiful, amazing,connected relationship I have ever had. My BPDs ADORED me! Flowers. Romantic heartfelt speeches that would out do any speech I have ever heard at a wedding. Constant professions of the depths of his love and happiness. Constant statements of wanting to marry me. He even picked the band and described what our wedding would be like. But soon the deep insecurities started to surface. My perfection had flaws. Although his past was littered with countless women, he could not accept I had a past. Huge mistrust and abandonment issues ate into our relationship. I became a target for abuse and as he justified anything in his past, he screamed at me for the mistakes I had made in mine. My choice in friends showed a lack of integrity and he asked me to end friendships. He started to question my family and distance me from them. Any intimate moments and deep truths we shared, he used against me until it seemed as though his love had turned to hate. I loved him more than any other man and treated him beautifully. I cared for him and made him happier thanks had ever been in his life??? In the end he couldn't trust me, I had no integrity and strength of character, I was shallow and surrounded by bs. And all I had done was love him and cared for him and tried my absolute hardest to be right for him. We went to counsellors (seperately) which helped but we were j aware of bpd then. His shame and guilt were huge after the turns became quicker and lasted longer. Soon it felt like the adoring love of my life was non existent. Once I found out he had bpd I said I would help him and be with him but he instead put all the blame on me and my dishonesty etc. the day I left him, he began a relationship with a married woman. 5 weeks later he was with someone he met online. The whole whole he cried his heart out and told me how much he loved me. It's been so hard breaking up as our love was so intense and beautiful, the sex was intense and amazing on every level and we felt like our love was bigger than any fairy tale. But now I realise that although he loved me to the best of his ability, it wasn't real. I care for him and love him still but it is from a distance.
ReplyDeletePART 1
ReplyDeleteHello everyone. I just moved out from my 3yr long BPD ex.
God where do I start?
I met her through online dating. First date was muted and I felt odd around her. She was sexy but distant and judgemental. I pretty much wrote her off. But then she asked for a second date.
She was fit so I thought Ah why not. She was all over me, found my every word to be funny and stimulating I could not believe it was the same girl. By date three I was hooked.
Turns out that she had been dating a Times scientific blogger but he didn't want to progress to date three. It also turns out she slept with her ex 8 DAYS before she met me after faking a corneal erosion to ask him over for sympathy. (very rare illness with very few visible symptoms easy to fake)
PART 2
ReplyDeleteWe dated for 6 months and she began the process of buying a house. But... She didn't have the full deposit and told me the mortgage advisor had told her to borrow the money AFTER signing on the dotted line. (Clear bull no loan app would go through after signing for a house) So guess what she needed an extra 6 grand or she would lose her 25 grand deposit. Guess who had let on they had 7 grands worth of savings... Yes that's right ME. I paid up on the condition I lived with her rent free to get my money back and ensure she wasn't going to do a runner with my money. Plus I loved her. She then a few weeks later demanded that I ALSO buy a house. We argued for an hour in an italian restaurant until she beat me down by basically saying I would be under her par if I was no home owner. So I borrowed money from my parents and lied about where my savings had gone and bought a damn house at a bargain price down the road from her. She was never satisfied, constantly changing hobbies, careers, friends, every part of her life was in flux with me desperately hanging on by remodeling myself again and again. She said I was not muscley enough: I worked out, She wanted me to be creative, I learned to paint and helped her write a book, She wanted me to be more manly so I took up Karate again, She wanted storage for her house to I built it all from scratch to fit her oddly shaped rooms. she wanted to run a marathon so I ran a marathon. She wanted to learn French so I started french classes with her, I built her a roof garden on her flat tramac roof and filled it with flowers for her birthday. It made her happy for about two weeks. For my birthday? Photos of us over the last two years and fancy food bought with a voucher she got at xmas from her mum, Oh and sex in lingerie etc. Great...
Part 3
ReplyDeleteI discovered she had a sex blog and confronted her about it. She told me it was very old and she had not published there in years. She then purged the online account.
She constantly eyed up men. Even on one occasion causing a argument in a restaraunt because the other guy looked back when he was with his GF! She didn't just look with her peripherals she would stare directly into mens eyes and turn her head 45 degrees to do so. Each time I confronted her about it she denied it and called me paranoid and controlling. She of course ended up cheating on me.
Part 4
ReplyDeleteShe won a holiday for two at work and then spent it on herself for a writing course. This is after I took her to new york and splashed out 2 grand on the whole thing. Initially I asked her to just pay for the flight for herself she went mental and accused me of being cheap and explained how all her friends were treated better by their bf's. She lied about her income and told me she earned zero commission at her third new job. She chucked one 80k job in to do a 30k job working in publishing before quitting and getting a 50k job in the same thing she did before, all in the space of 8 months. turns out when she was bitching about paying 600 for a flight she was earning 5k a month! I was earning just shy of 3k. No matter how much she earns she is always in debt. Overdraft, maxed credit cards, the lot. Back to the cheating.. once on the writing course she decided to screw the instructor a kids author. I hacked her emails and caught her red handed. She begged for another chance, offering me anything to make it right. All those offers amounted to nothing of course. I stuck it out for five months after finding out trying to forgive her.
Part 5
ReplyDeleteBut my love was dead and I was now writing a diary recording her cycles of mania, depression and good moments. I then researched BPD, as she had "serious issues from her childhood" It all clicked into place. And I arranged for my tenants in my house I had bought to move out. I then moved in within 5 days of telling her it was over up until this point she had been telling me she loved me was making me breakfast and all sorts of things to try and convince me she was a nice loving GF. Craziest thing was when I told her I didn't feel she loved me she asked me to explain all the things she could "act like" to make it appear that she loved me. F@*ked up or what.
She has tried to make contact a few times but I have rebuffed her fully so far. I will NEVER be fooled by this emotionless empathy devoid bitch ever again. And guess what... four days after I moved out she has decided she is in love with the fat author she cheated on me with 5 months ago.
Part 6.
ReplyDeleteOh and she threw a vase at my head and would have massive outbursts in public if I said something she disagreed with. She undermined me in every way. Scary how it slowly happens and your self respect starts to trickle away. But luckily I retained enough of my inner confidence to see her for what she was and dump the b#tch.
They move on so easily as to them it is normal to have short stormy relationships. Mine saw this at home and to her it is normal, unlike myself who came from a family who love and care for each other (my parents are in their 80's and still show each other love every day). Bpd's are not looking for long term as we might be they are looking for what works for them today. Speaking for myself (and I'll bet most guys on here if they Were honest)it goes like this: We keep thinking they loved us the way we loved them(I was engaged to mine) and we let them down in some way. We think they are missing the great guy we were and would love to get back with us if only they knew how. Get real guys, you were no different to them than the guy they have moved on to. Mine is nasty to me, not because she misses me its because I was the first guy she met who set boundaries. I would rather lose her than hurt her by being in the loop of recycles she will continue to have until she accepts she is the one with the problem. I hope one day she does get help and lives happily ever after even if its with someone else. I want her to be happy but its never going to happen! Accept the same about yours and you will soon understand how easily they move.
ReplyDeleteMy ex husband is dating a 21 year old woman who displays characteristics of BPD. I teach in post secondary education and she is one of my students. Prior to my knowledge of the relationship she used to stop me in the hallway at school to tell me how pretty I was. She embarrassed me at a public event with the same type of introduction to an audience. All the while she was running around with my ex. I am a nurse and I have dealt with this condition before but now she is around my teenage daughters and I am at a loss. I am in a situation where I must be distanced at work from her to ensure her treatment is fair in the program and I need to respect my ex's decision to be with her though I don't agree with it. Based on anyone's experience out there are there any strategies I can give my daughter's to deal with her? My oldest senses something is not right with her but I am hesitant to place a label on her.
ReplyDeleteI have BPD and I’m so, so unbelievably tired of people calling us these horrible things. I’ve never, ever set out to hurt someone, let alone somebody I loved or was in a relationship with and more often than not I’m left thinking about them for months and months on end still holding onto hope and my love for them that they’ll give me another chance or will somehow someway still love me back. Sorry your heart got broken by someone with BPD, but don’t you dare lump together people with a personality disorder caused by trauma into such a spiteful article. I’m sick of it all and every time it breaks my heart.
ReplyDelete