Monday, February 15, 2010

BPD Dissociation: Fairy Tales Made True

BPDs need turmoil to survive. They live in a world of constant drama and pitting themselves against others. It defines them and gives them identity.

What does a borderline do when things are going too well and they need something to react to?

They make it up, of course.


BPD Dissociation Defined


Those with borderline personality disorder have to believe something so much, they have to convince the world that their feelings are true. The definition of dissociation, according to Internet site Medterms.com, is a perceived detachment of the mind from the emotional state or even from the body. Dissociation is characterized by a sense of the world as a dreamlike or unreal place and may be accompanied by poor memory of the specific events.

To simplify this, if a borderline feels a certain way, has an insecurity or feels badly about it, it may just be their insecurity or their incredibly fragile sense of self worth (actually, self-loathing). The borderline will actually prove their insecurities in their mind by making up stories that fulfill their insecurities.

Think about this one -- if you were afraid that a building was going to fall down, you would make up stories about how people came and planted bombs around its foundation to make it fall down.

Does that make sense? Not at all.

Welcome to the world of BPD Dissociation.

Dissociation is one of the parts of Borderline Personality Disorder that shows that this disease is a Personality Disorder. It shows that the true Borderline lives on the border of psychosis and neurosis. They are truly troubled people that live in a world that we Nons just cannot understand. It's a world where they're allowed to make things up to fit their fleeting fantasies.

It's not a fair world for the Non.

The borderline that I was with used to tell me things that I just couldn't believe were true. Such a normal looking person saying such such outlandish things. Clearly, something just wasn't right. The stories were so far fetched, yet she believed them and made them true in her mind.

Examples of these stories and her insane dissociation is vast. Some of the most egregious ones were when I was traveling and she hired the private investigator, she told me, "you were having phone sex with someone."

I was talking to my Best Friend, Chris. Looking back, she kept me up all night after she had a private investigator tail me and find nothing by making up things.

Every day, she would make things up. She would accuse me of cheating on her, doing something, lying to her, whatever it may be, nearly every single day. The game that we played was that I would have to prove myself, prove my self worth to her, every day when she would make up these tall tales.


Dissociation Means No Win For The Non

 The problem with BPD Dissociation is that you can only argue your side so much until you feel tired and exhausted of their stories. These are fantasy stories that they have made up to prove their beliefs.

The biggest problem is that the Non who is trying to love a borderline, trying to live a good life with a borderline, simply can't do it. The borderline's fantasies will wear the Non down, will erode the Non's self esteem and sense of self worth, and can end up destroying the unsuspecting Non.

The BPD I was with was a widow. Her husband died of a drunk driving accident. He was at a work-related party and was in an accident on his way home. He had recently found out that the BPD was cheating on him with a friend of his. He had no idea about Borderline Personality Disorder or anything. Imagine how he must have felt having a wife that was cheating on him with a friend, a neighbor.


How to Address BPD Dissociation

The only way to address BPD Dissociation is to stay firm and do not give into the BPD's fantasies. If you give into their fantasies, you make them reality. You are doing a number of things here:
  • You are validating their non-reality and their fantasy world
  • You are going to erode your own self-esteem and self worth because the world as you know it is now unsure
  • You are giving the borderline more fuel to create even more outrageous stories.
The truth is the truth. BPDs will offer you a new truth that they will come at you and tell you is reality. It's not.

Don't give into BPD dissociation. Reality is reality, and most BPDs do not know reality.

16 comments:

  1. I found meself dissociating also when my BPD ex would rage against me. I just tried not to listen and shutmyself off from the room. Trying to think about a happy place. Offcourse that is not a very healty solution. I had to work on this in thearapy.

    "The truth will set you free", this is what I said to my BPD ex when we broke up. Her responds:

    There is not such thing as The Truth, its only what you want to believe.

    Ok, so this woman was damm right, she would always take the words out of my mounth and say them before I could. Therefore I could not say them anymore, so she feels less quilty. This is high intellegent splitting, whish is a battle that is even more complex than the conflict in the middle east.

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  2. I have two kids out of wedlock with a woman who I strongly believe is suffering from BPD. To put it bluntly she can not be trusted... with her I would not put it past her to tell half truths to others to make me look like the bad guy. She is a very beautiful woman and has no trouble attracting guys to date. She has no problem vascilating between a new male interest and then predictable be finished with that relationship about 3 months in to it. Then she will be flirting with you and wanting you back. She is predictable in many ways but the hardest part with being in a relationship with someone who has this disorder personality is that she will wear you down like you would ever imagine. She is extremely controlling, manipulative and very volatile. I have been kicked out of her house multiple times as she loves to have the control. In the end it tears you down as the roller coaster never ends. As much as you want to believe their will be a fix for the problems in your relationship you will get blind sided with a confusing fight that eventually brings out the worst in you. That is what she's ultimately looking for... once you loose control she has one. It's so confusing and you will never win... you will constantly be confused thinking how her decision is a lose/lose situation and not in anyone favor but somehow she will rationalize in her own mind it is. This will happen again and again over time. She doesn't seem to get that part it though...
    I"m right in the middle of this problem and currently seperated from her. She is dating a guy who is recently out of a nasty divorce, 15 years older and is head of heals for her. I feel bad for him... the problem is that you wonder how she can move on so easily. She does this for a period of time and then will be back in your corner. That's my experience but I know they are all different.

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  3. Get a restraining order before she gets one first and takes away your kids, employment, ability to get another job, sticks you with child support and takes your home. Don't believe me...research how easy it is for a woman to get one and how what she states as reasons will not be contested (there will be no hearing until after it is served to you and there will be no getting it lifted once it is in place, even after a $4000 lawyer!). Start researching restraining orders and see what I mean...even if you do manage to get the original order dropped, it will still show up on your record as a criminal action when someone runs a background check.

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  4. I know it is probably an inappropriate reaction under the circumstances but this article actually made me smile (and I haven't felt like doing that in a while). I smiled out of recognition and relief - I always said if things were going right he'd find a way to sabotage it - I always said he made things up - that he lived in a fantasy world that he tried to drag me into - I was living a Twilight Zone existence - I even started to doubt my own sense of what was real - was it me? He would say it was. Reading this article came as such an almighty relief I just can't tell you. My stomach is still constantly in knots - but reading this blog is slowly helping me to unravel them. Thank you.

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  5. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences. I had recently been approached by my XBPD and I was stun again to see the twists of reality. There is enough truth/facts mixed in that I once again found myself wondering, have I missed something?

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  6. I'm an identical twin with a borderline other twin. She's always dominated my life with horrible, nasty behaviour. When I divorced she got the child protection people on to me, she aided/abetted my ex to file for custody on child abuse allegations, she send her daughters to same school as mine to 'remain in control' of me, she seeped into the next relationship and in the end he became 'mad'. I have to leave the state in order to escape her. It is a terrible ordeal. The invented fantasy stories about myself are horrific and she was able to totally isolate and alienate me from all. Very very depressing life.

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  7. For a long time I thought I was the only person dealing with someone with such complicated and disturbing behavior. Now I know my story is not unique. Sadly, there is more ‘crazy’ out there than I ever imagined.

    I have been free from my BPD friend for almost two years now, and I am so thankful that I finally made the break.

    My advice to anyone dealing with someone with BPD is to make a clean break if you can. If the person is a close relative – your parent or your child – getting out may not be possible. But if they are a friend, spouse, business partner, etc… run for your life. NOW!

    Do not make the mistake of thinking that if you continue to love them and treat them with respect they eventually will realize you mean them no harm. Sorry. This will not work because they are not wired that way. You will spend many years trying to prove your love, but the relationship still will come to an end. It’s better to end it sooner rather prolonging the inevitable.

    I hate to sound negative, but that’s my experience and my advice. Pack your bags. Save yourself. There is no reward for going down with the ship.

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  8. I totally agree. It's hard to give up. I thought i could help him by love and care. It was and never would be enough.He destroyed me. Two years on now i have recovered. He on the other hand went into another relationship and i think has repeated the same abuse on her. I still receive txs and a phone call now and then. I ignore all. He will never heal.

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  9. @Hazel - Yes, it's hard to give up, especially because you've seen the 'good' side of them and you really like that side. So you try to gloss over the 'bad/crazy' moments, thinking that eventually they'll get beyond whatever hurt them so much in the past. Sadly, the crazy is interwoven into the very fiber of their being. There's no way to ignore it, because it is ALWAYS there... just waiting to surface at the most random moments.

    This cycle of crazy continues until a) you decide you've had enough and you want your 'normal' life back, or b) the BPD breaks up with you first -- before you dump them, in order to maintain their 'control.'

    Either way, the outcome is painful and filled with anger and tears.

    Life can be good again -- if you want it. It's great that you've accepted that the relationship is over. It's hard to believe, but the relationship really was NEVER what you thought it was. It was a sham. And now he has a new target.

    You deserve much better. We all do!

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  10. She told me a cop had date raped her best friend in the most graffic and brutal way. She even showed me a picture of the guy on her phone. It never occurred to me she would lie at that time. Now I realise or assume she slept with that guy too (among others)and was villianizing him for what ever reason. Months after our devastating break up she called and told me an update on the fictional investigation into the rape.

    I think at some point remembering these things just becomes so overwhelming you have to give up on the obsessive hope it could ever work. Like the story. The illusion of true love was total fantasy.

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  11. My BPD ex would make up stories. I said it was not TRUE the things he was saying. He always said - but that is how it FEELS. I did not back down, but patiently explained things to him til he understood. Often he would say he was sick of all this processing we did. But he was the one to drop bombs on me that were not true. I was GOOD at being rational about things - I had a masters degree in counseling psychology and I still couldn't take it!

    He wore me out. The constant accusations and rages and flip outs and wanting to break up with me at the drop of a hat were too much. I would so look forward to time spent together - we would plan our time and talk everything out. He was totally rational. Then I would drive the 70 miles to see him - and he would freak out in the middle of the night and wake me up making me comfort him. I would start crying because he scared me and he would call me names for doing that.

    I seriously did not want to end the relationship - I honored my commitment and thought the problems we had were so minor - they could be fixed if he would just mellow out! but had get away from him to for my own preservation. He started drinking wine and taking ambien to sleep - and it made him have conversations he didn't remember having - and later, in the middle of the night, threatened to kill me, swearing at me, and baring his fists at me, kicking me out of the house. Then later, finding me and crying - begging me to take him back. When I said I couldn't be around him anymore and had finally gone dead inside after 2 years - he turned it around on me saying that I knew he would never do anything to hurt me and how dare I call the police. He left me refusing to ever speak to me again. Blocked all communication.

    I felt deeply bonded to him, so realizing the escalating hatred toward me was not going to end was so painful to accept. I think what is really TOUGH about life with the BPD, why it is so hard to break away - because even though the you being painted black times are AWFUL - they are rare in the beginning of the relationship. In the beginning - the person paints you WHITE - you are everything they ever wanted. They are very very GOOD at being intimate, your best friend, your best lover, your best everything, you have so much in common and you feel so much in love! You think you finally found that soulmate - because everything is so wonderful.

    Then slowly - when they start feeling attached to you - then they start panicking. The closer they are to you - the more they panic. They have to paint you the darkest demon imaginable in order to step away. I was told that I was doing so many things to him, that I wasn't. The more I kept trying to help him - the more angry he got. We went to counseling and what was obvious was he was an incredibly anxious person. He was well behaved there. When I wrote her and told her all the things he had done - she never responded. I told a lot of people what happened - they stopped talking to me. One of his friends raged at me - because he played the victim. Of course I know he told people I just wanted to punish him. Poor him. Completely lied to them. How sad.

    Its very sad - and I still miss him. If there was a way I could fix it I would. But it is unfixable. It is impossible. He is broken and I cannot fix him. No matter how hard I try. What a heartbreak - and a waste of a good looking, smart and lovable human being. God bless you RMS. I miss you every day and wish I could take your misery so you could have a happy life. What a waste.

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  12. I saw the signs and tried to break up with him when the freak outs started - and he said I was just punishing him and would come around. He would call me and call me to woo me back. Somehow I always ended up going back.

    Later, he kept telling me he was miserable and wanted me to break up with him - when I said NO because I wasn't going to go through the break up game anymore, he said, "don't you have any self-respect? Im begging you to break up with me!"

    He finally made up some really horrible stories about me hating him and being disgusted by him to break up with me. He said I had a mean tone of voice and gave him dirty looks all the time. No matter how much I kept telling him I didn't feel this way - he would not accept it. He just told me I was the most unaware person on the planet.

    In between the abuses was sweet talk and great sex. I don't know why I couldn't say NO - its just that any time I tried to put up boundaries, he would do whatever he could to tear them down and confuse me.

    I am an intelligent person - but he is very smart. Its been six months and I still am hurting over what he did to me. Very confusing - I still have self doubts, because the mental abuse he delivered was so very convincing.

    This was such a catch 22 - tha

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  13. Did you ever notice how they would dump all that crazy black and white thinking onto you and treat you like you were doing what they were doing? ARGH!!! Completely nuts!

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  14. It's hard to let go because in the beginning they made you feel so wonderful. But you must accept that it was not real.

    They are masters at mirroring your behavior and giving you EXACTLY what you need and want. They develop this skill because they are empty inside, completely devoid of the emotions and feelings that 'normal' people possess. Therefore, they observe others and mimic what they see in order to fit in.

    But they can't keep up the charade indefinitely. Sooner or later their 'crazy' bubbles to the surface in the form of paranoia, unfounded accusations, conspiracy theories or passive-aggressive behavior. That's when you should RUN. But you're probably in too deep by then, so you stay... remembering the sweet person you first met. The irony is the 'sweet person' you remember is not real; they created that personality along with endless stories to make the real world fit the madness inside their head.

    The confused, angry and unpredictable person you're now facing IS the real person.

    If you're not careful (and strong), you will start doubting your own sanity.

    I'm exhausted just thinking about the time and energy it took to be around her. Completely draining, both mentally and physically. Sigh...

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  15. Ok here we go I do a friend a favor who needed a place to stay in the short term. Or so she told me. In the course of events she got her self arrested because of her behavior. Now she trying to get back into may apt.

    I have since sent all of her things to her mother. I think her family was trying unload her on me.

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  16. My bpd is my husband of 4 years. I met him at a friend's party and four and a half months later, he proposed to me and gullible me married him coz i thought he was just the sweetest guy ever. what a crazy decision that was. we broke up countless times in the last 4 years and he has cheated on me, made me believe i was just a mean and crazy wife. but there i was just trying to make ends meet, supporting him when he was jobless, then helped him build his career and then later on, i get completely alienated from my family and friends. He just so loves having control over me and making me believe I was the crazy one. I'm still with him and I just want out. Now!! Before I lose my sanity and every ounce of self-esteem I got left. Just makes me think about when this could possibly end.

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