Does She (or He) Really Have BPD?

I hear this question from quite a few people on a pretty regular basis. I even went through the same thing with my ex BPD girlfriend as you can read in the post Is She Really Borderline? Those of us that are in the relationship with the borderline feel such a strong urge to prove that the other is borderline for so many reasons.

Why Do We Need To Prove That They Have BPD

When a relationship goes wrong, especially when personality disorders are involved, we want to find a reason why. We want to blame the other person for the problems because we are trying to do the right things. We are working so hard to make the world right and things right, and it just isn't working with this person.

If you're with someone who has a personality disorder, you know what I mean. You keep trying to live your life by doing the right thing, and the person explodes on you when you least expect it, when things are good. Maybe they're suffering from the Vengeance Switch as you try to enjoy life to the fullest.

We know something's wrong, and we know that we're not doing it.

The problem with being in a relationship with someone who is borderline is that you can't ever have a fully healthy relationship without that person getting help -- years of help. You live life like the move Groundhog Day, always waking up and starting from ground zero, never getting to the next level because your BPD partner knocks the relationship back down because of their lack of trust, or their lack of respect.

When we try to bring these issues to the borderline, their fear of abandonment, self loathing and other defense mechanisms kick in. They're real good at this, and this is when you get the, "it's not me, it's you," response. The borderline will usually launch a full assault to prove that you, in fact, have the issues or problems.

BPD Gaslighting: The Worst For The Non

The worst thing that happens is when the BPD changes the course of events in their minds. It's a terrible event, because how do you argue the facts with someone? It becomes a "he said-she said" argument which is frustrating.

The biggest problem is that if the BPD was dissociating (which most of them do quite regularly), it's not that they are lying, they have actually change history in their mind! So they now believe the change of history that occurred in their mind. How do you argue this?

Over the long term, this makes the non feel like they are losing their minds -- one of the most frustrating things.

When I was with the BPD, she told me that I was dissociating when the roles were, in fact, reversed. She believed this so much that she went to counselors and told me this -- I went through special EMDR therapy to try to recall memories and everything. Because I thought that maybe the BPD saw things that I didn't. She did see things that I didn't because she made them up in her head.

Whew. What a nightmare. If you're dealing with this kind of difficulty, I'm sorry. All of this -- someone telling you that you have the problems and you are to blame and you need the counseling and you came from a troubled childhood makes you feel the need to prove, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that they have BPD.

As a non, we have to explain the world. We have to explain why things are the way they are. Most things in the world can be explained.

Many parts of the Borderline's world cannot be explained.

I Guess It Doesn't Matter Anyway

Here's what the kicker is about this whole thing -- it doesn't matter if the person you were with (or are with) has BPD or not. You were/are in a dysfunctional relationship, a bad relationship, a relationship that just wasn't normal, plain and simple.

It doesn't matter who did what or who has BPD; it's irrelevant. The relationship did not work, was not working, and was not going to work. It was going to continue being dysfunctional because those with BPD cannot have healthy relationships without intense counseling for years, medication and structure that most cannot provide.

So, does he or she really have BPD? It doesn't matter.

BPD Dissociation: Fairy Tales Made True

BPDs need turmoil to survive. They live in a world of constant drama and pitting themselves against others. It defines them and gives them identity.

What does a borderline do when things are going too well and they need something to react to?

They make it up, of course.

BPD Dissociation Defined

Those with borderline personality disorder have to believe something so much, they have to convince the world that their feelings are true. The definition of dissociation, according to Internet site Medterms.com, is a perceived detachment of the mind from the emotional state or even from the body. Dissociation is characterized by a sense of the world as a dreamlike or unreal place and may be accompanied by poor memory of the specific events.

To simplify this, if a borderline feels a certain way, has an insecurity or feels badly about it, it may just be their insecurity or their incredibly fragile sense of self worth (actually, self-loathing). The borderline will actually prove their insecurities in their mind by making up stories that fulfill their insecurities.

Think about this one -- if you were afraid that a building was going to fall down, you would make up stories about how people came and planted bombs around its foundation to make it fall down.

Does that make sense? Not at all.

Welcome to the world of BPD Dissociation.

Dissociation is one of the parts of Borderline Personality Disorder that shows that this disease is a Personality Disorder. It shows that the true Borderline lives on the border of psychosis and neurosis. They are truly troubled people that live in a world that we Nons just cannot understand. It's a world where they're allowed to make things up to fit their fleeting fantasies.

It's not a fair world for the Non.

The borderline that I was with used to tell me things that I just couldn't believe were true. Such a normal looking person saying such such outlandish things. Clearly, something just wasn't right. The stories were so far fetched, yet she believed them and made them true in her mind.

Examples of these stories and her insane dissociation is vast. Some of the most egregious ones were when I was traveling and she hired the private investigator, she told me, "you were having phone sex with someone."

I was talking to my Best Friend, Chris. Looking back, she kept me up all night after she had a private investigator tail me and find nothing by making up things.

Every day, she would make things up. She would accuse me of cheating on her, doing something, lying to her, whatever it may be, nearly every single day. The game that we played was that I would have to prove myself, prove my self worth to her, every day when she would make up these tall tales.

Dissociation Means No Win For The Non

 The problem with BPD Dissociation is that you can only argue your side so much until you feel tired and exhausted of their stories. These are fantasy stories that they have made up to prove their beliefs.

The biggest problem is that the Non who is trying to love a borderline, trying to live a good life with a borderline, simply can't do it. The borderline's fantasies will wear the Non down, will erode the Non's self esteem and sense of self worth, and can end up destroying the unsuspecting Non.

The BPD I was with was a widow. Her husband died of a drunk driving accident. He was at a work-related party and was in an accident on his way home. He had recently found out that the BPD was cheating on him with a friend of his. He had no idea about Borderline Personality Disorder or anything. Imagine how he must have felt having a wife that was cheating on him with a friend, a neighbor.

How to Address BPD Dissociation

The only way to address BPD Dissociation is to stay firm and do not give into the BPD's fantasies. If you give into their fantasies, you make them reality. You are doing a number of things here:

• You are validating their non-reality and their fantasy world
• You are going to erode your own self-esteem and self worth because the world as you know it is now unsure
• You are giving the borderline more fuel to create even more outrageous stories.

The truth is the truth. BPDs will offer you a new truth that they will come at you and tell you is reality. It's not.

Don't give into BPD dissociation. Reality is reality, and most BPDs do not know reality.