Wednesday, June 24, 2009

The Private Investigator--Twisted Reality

When I was dating the BPD, I traveled on business quite infrequently. Before the relationship was 1 year old, I had to travel to Orlando, Florida for business. She was not happy at all about it, and accused me of everything under the sun -- like I was going on this trip for some type of rendez vous with another woman.

Looking back at these things, they were so ridiculous, so downright goofy. With that said, they were the reality of the BPD, whether I like it or not.

So, I went away and did my business. I called the BPD regularly and spoke with her when I could. Overall, things were going okay -- just okay -- for the first two days. I was scheduled to leave on the morning of the third day, and suddenly things fell apart at 11 pm the night before I left.

I spoke with the BPD at 9 PM and she said that she needed to call me back -- she and the neighbor smelled natural gas and had the gas company investigating.

I never heard back from her. I got worried that she was okay. I eventually called the police and told them that I was worried. They called me back and said that they checked out the situation, and that she was there and fine.

More games. I went to bed.

I woke up to my phone ringing at 2 am. She was in a rage, telling me that I was having phone sex the night before and talking with African American prostitutes on the phone. She told me that she "knew everything," then proceeded to fire off question after question about the night before.

All that I did the night before was speak with the BPD (she went to a concert so I spoke to her before she went and while she was going), speak with a lifelong friend and leave a message for an old co-worker. That's it.

We were up the entire evening, discussing the goings on the night before. She kept accusing me of doing things, which I continued to defend myself. I did not get any sleep, then had to fly back home.

I arrived back home to accusations of I don't know what, being hung up on repeatedly, and the locks changed in the place where I lived--with her. It got so bad that I told her that I was being so truthful that I was willing to take a polygraph test. She proceeded to try to find someone who would administer one.

She really believed I was lying to her so much that she wanted me to take a polygraph test. Again, her perception was that twisted.

For the wise, if you're required to take a polygraph by your partner, leave the relationship. There's no trust and little love in such a relationship.

Her sister called me at one point, then told me, "she wants to have a clean break." Game over, I guessed. I called my parents and had to stay with them. There was a bag of my stuff on the porch of where we lived. She had changed the locks, so I couldn't get anything else.

I drove to my parents, such a wounded soldier. I felt terrible. I never -- never -- want to feel that way again. Like I had done something wrong. No person deserves to feel the way that I did then.

The morning after she kicked me out, I went to a counselor that we both had seen together. The counselor was the first person that told me that she was a borderline. That's when I started figuring it all out.

It took me a year to get fully out, but this was the start.

I learned what happened after we reconciled, which took two days (she sent me a text message asking me to get my stuff, and when I stopped there, we reconciled). She told me that she had hired a private investigator. The investigator sat outside my hotel room, listened to my conversations (and transcribed them poorly), followed me out when I would go outside and smoke (I smoked back then -- they say smoking is anxiety -- I've stopped since then, thank the Lord -- I always hid my smoking, particularly in a professional environment), and that's about it.

The night that she flipped, she got the transcripts back and made them into some type of bad thing, which they weren't. My conversation with Chris was suddenly phone sex. She questioned me about who was this person, and who was this person. This interrogation would periodically re-appear throughout the relationship: "Who's Rhoda? Who's Fred (there was no fred)?" It was like she had the transcript and would periodically go back to it.

The shame of the matter is that she never had to do such a thing. The bigger shame is that I let it happen. This is a great example of having to give the BPD boundaries. The problem is that she had her family involved--she distrusted me so much that she told her sister, who recommended the Private Investigator.

That's all fine (not really), but the worst thing is that she was able to make something not bad into something bad.

They call that the BPD twist.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Life As It Is Now

So...I talk about the healing, I talk about still thinking about the BPD and still healing, but how is life overall?

In a word, wonderful.

Don't get me wrong--I still have baggage that I'm trying to shed, but overall, it's gotten wonderful. I found Jesus Christ and accepted him as my Lord and Savior, and things have fallen into place:
- My family is doing quite well, and we're closer than ever
- I see my kids, parents and extended family quite often
- I have a good, solid group of friends
- We've added Jennie and her daughter to the group, and we may be permanently adding them in the future
- The full time job is shaky, but that's okay -- there are plenty of opportunities out there.

The pain of recovering from a BPD relationship pushed me back to church. Ultimately, it was the Lord's way of pushing me back to Him.

I don't regret the relationship anymore. I now understand that I had to have it so I could be saved.

Overall, life is wonderful now. Becoming a Christian has taught me quite a bit and has taken quite a bit of the weight off of my shoulders. The quality of the people that I surround myself is truly astonishing.

Still, I'm a work in progress. I'll be one for the forseeable future, and I'm okay with that. I'll continue to have my steps back and feel my baggage. Maybe the chapter has ended...I don't know. I'll continue to write when I feel the need (which is actually more often than I actually write -- probably once a week -- I'll try to be more consistent). You can get my latest thoughts, fears, and baggage, as well as my highs, all here.

For those of you that are now suffering from a relationship with a BPD, go to church. Learn about the Lord and how he died for your sins. Learn about how when you accept the Lord into your life and begin your walk with Him, you are forgiven. You can shed the sins and the guilt.

During the relationship and after it ended, I felt so bad. Like I had done something wrong. Like I was no good, so unlovable, so...bad. Don't forget that the Lord is always with you, and the Lord never thinks you're bad. Since beginning my walk with the Lord, I have shed many of the chains that shackled me and made me feel guilty.

The walk, and the work -- on me -- continues.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Healing Takes A Long Time

I read through my old posts and I sit here amazed at myself:

I thought that "The chapter was over" over a year ago?
I thought that all would be better and I could just move on after being in a relationship like this?
I thought that the trauma of what occurred in the relationship with the BPD would be over by now?

I thought wrong.

I haven't seen her since December 9, 2007. Two thousand seven. We're going on two years here. Yet she still haunts me. We were only together for a little less than two years.

It's nowhere, I mean nowhere, near what it was like a year ago, but there are times that I still think about her.

I don't really think about the good times. I think about what she did, how I lived through it, and how horrible it truly was. I'm still amazed at a lot of the things, and I can't believe that I stayed in the relationship despite the abuse. That's what a divorce does to you, though. I was still healing from the divorce and didn't want to admit another broken relationship.

The relationship was truly traumatic. The nicest person in the world who is constantly telling you that you're bad, you're doing things that you're not, you're sick and demented, you're twisted, etc., eventually breaks into you. They may not necessarily break you, but they break into you and scar you.

You do have a little post traumatic stress disorder, and you need to get balance back in your life. Be sure to heal fully, and go back to church. I would bet that many that are in relationships with borderlines have lost their spiritual foundation.

I'm still shedding the baggage from the relationship. It will be a little longer, but some day, I'll shed it.

One day at a time, boy. One day at a time.