Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Healing Takes A Long Time

I read through my old posts and I sit here amazed at myself:

I thought that "The chapter was over" over a year ago?
I thought that all would be better and I could just move on after being in a relationship like this?
I thought that the trauma of what occurred in the relationship with the BPD would be over by now?

I thought wrong.

I haven't seen her since December 9, 2007. Two thousand seven. We're going on two years here. Yet she still haunts me. We were only together for a little less than two years.

It's nowhere, I mean nowhere, near what it was like a year ago, but there are times that I still think about her.

I don't really think about the good times. I think about what she did, how I lived through it, and how horrible it truly was. I'm still amazed at a lot of the things, and I can't believe that I stayed in the relationship despite the abuse. That's what a divorce does to you, though. I was still healing from the divorce and didn't want to admit another broken relationship.

The relationship was truly traumatic. The nicest person in the world who is constantly telling you that you're bad, you're doing things that you're not, you're sick and demented, you're twisted, etc., eventually breaks into you. They may not necessarily break you, but they break into you and scar you.

You do have a little post traumatic stress disorder, and you need to get balance back in your life. Be sure to heal fully, and go back to church. I would bet that many that are in relationships with borderlines have lost their spiritual foundation.

I'm still shedding the baggage from the relationship. It will be a little longer, but some day, I'll shed it.

One day at a time, boy. One day at a time.


  1. Hi, just been reading your stories and felt compeled to write. Sad to see yet anther person is going through what I did. The healing really does take a long time, I lived with my ex for 6 years, by the time she left I was a wreck, massively in debt, no friends, no confidence, people treating me like a leper because of her lies, and doubting my own sanity. Its now 9 years since I last spoke to her. My life is back on track, no debt, new friends, reunited with old friends after they learnt the truth, yet I still keep surprising myself by realizing that I wasn't completely over it. Even just a few days ago another piece of the old me returned, I didn't even realize it was missing. Whenever that happens I allow myself a smug little smile and a "hey, I'm back".
    You already know the answers, time, faith and patience will take you the rest of the way. Good luck.

  2. I can relate to this-I read that the intense replays of the past is a natural part of grieving for a while-we are just trying to make sense of what we experienced. I attend a 12 step al-anon group it is the only place where my reactions and relationship expereince with the bp person fits. They are just unbeleivable in the things they do are they not in the name of control-I too lost a great deal in my relationship, things I feel I may never get back. The loss I try to think of it as a kind of spiritual cleansing and the 'friends' even some I had for 20 years who choose to beleive these outrageous stories and thus feed the abuse I have let go and I am just now rebuilding very cautiously new friendship networks one of my recurring nightmares is the bpd infiltrating my support group and either discrediting it with arrogant criticism or stealing it if he decides he can gain in someway. Its like dealing with an alcoholic in that you are talking to the alcohol not the person so the only hope is to develop and nuture your own sense of self but yes for a long time it is a lonely place as you re-establish yourself in the real world like ripvan wrinkle returning from a night with the pixies your sense of reality is completely altered.

  3. I had the misfortune of dating a borderline in graduate school. I was out of a long term relationship and had a pretty good support group but new to a new state. When I met my BPD, she was incredible at first. It seemed like we were meant to be together. Immediately, it seemed so right. Over the course of a year, I lost my friends, my grades dropped until I nearly dropped out of school and I nearly lost my sanity. I found myself putting her into one rehab and mental institution after another never understanding what was going on. Everytime I'd help her, behind my back, she was conducting a smear campaign. She even brought home a big guy to beat me up one night because she knew I was alone in that state at first and didn't want to jeapordize my new job. When I moved she threatened me at my job (I'm a high level professional, came to my new home and attacked me so she could falsely accuse me of hitting her and started a force of destruction as bad as years before). Apparently, BPD's do not change. It had gotten to teh point that not only was she claiming events of my life as her own, she went back to my home state when I ceased all contact forever this time and hooked up with an old friend/ex-girlfriend of mine. They are now together and I cannot imagine the destruction soon to be spent there. I'm just glad she's out of my life. I heard she was defrauding social security by working under the table and collecting disability, typical. I know it seems BPD's get a bad rap on these sites and it seems unfair but please believe someone who's been there twice...they are not worth it. They are deeply sick and manipulative people who actually get off on seeing you in pain. They want you to be in pain because they are so sick and twisted and will pull the lowest abusive forms to make certain of it. You will lose everything if you stay. Please beleive me and run because I regret ever having that person in my life and believing therapy and medication, love, friendship and time would help...nothing helps because they are incapable of love and compassion. Don't believe sites that say they hurt worse than you-they don't! They thrive on others' pain and are remarkable changeable to fit the mood and their next plan. The only good thing I can say about one is this: if they find a new mark, you're safe. The new marks is now in a deadly force they will not easily get rid of either. YOu should then run as far away as possible and YES do press charges when you can with them. It helps because they love to manipulate the police themselves and will do so if you have anything to lose. THey get to know your weaknesses and they WILL exploit them! There is a reason why so many health professionals won't treat them...they're even too evil to be treated. RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN get help to heal the many scars upon your life and self esteem they'll provide but have faith there are good people out there for you that you deserve better.

    Wish anyone much luck and courage if they love one-it is a futile action on your part. It's like loving a rabid dog.


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