Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Going Down The Road, Feeling Bad

I was thinking about what it was that made me hold on, made me stay for so long. Why did I continue to put myself out there, put myself at risk and continue to work with her?

One major aspect was the fact that I felt so bad for her. Someone that would think such horrible things of me must have issues, and to view the world in such a way must be horrible. 

I remember telling her that I was such an optimistic person, and that the world was such a beautiful place, that I couldn't even fathom thinking the way that she did.

I felt bad for her. I wanted to show her how good I was, how I felt about her, the love I had for her. No matter what, she never believed. 

It's strange because I needed to have the relationship to sink to the levels that I needed for true growth. Without feeling broken, I would not have worked so hard -- and continued to work -- to fix myself and fix the issues that I have.

Broken. That's how you feel when you get out of a relationship like this. I remember when we first broke up, I felt so lost, so abandoned, I had no direction, no nothing. The world that I thought I was building with her was just a facade, and I don't think that she ever really believed that we would be together. She was going through the motions, emotionally unavailable because of her illness.

I remember, right before we split for good, her telling me about a conversation that she had with her father, where he said something like, "I guess we're going to be welcoming him [me] back into the family."

Guess not, Gary.

For those of you in the throws of a breakup in an unstable relationship, or even worse, a relationship with a BPD, I know that it's difficult. It does get better though. Much better in time. You have the opportunity to emerge out of the relationship a stronger person with amazing self confidence and self esteem.