BPD Drama: Something About Mary

Borderlines love the drama. They live on it. It defines them.

While the borderline loves any kind of drama, their favorite drama is the drama of attraction.

We all like to feel like others are attracted to us. It makes us feel special. It makes us feel like we are wanted.

However, with the normal person, we know that this attraction will not go any further. With someone that lacks boundaries (like a Borderline), this attraction can go much further. Most will let it go all the way.

Someone who loathes themselves like a borderline loves this attraction. Their sexuality is the most primal part of this attraction and proves to them I'm worthy of love and attention.

Something About Mary

Before I met the BPD, she had lived in a small city, but moved after her neighborhood shunned her and pretty much shut her out. She told me what it was like when she lived in this town. This may be hard to follow, but it's even harder for me to remember. Follow along here:

- She was cheating on her husband with Bob. Having a full blown affair

- Her husband knew something was wrong. He was freaking out and quite upset

- A local bartender was hitting on her, telling her how hot she was

- The owner of another local bar thought she was beautiful and hitting on her

- While having an affair with Bob, she slept with Brian, Bob's best friend, one night while walking home from a bar. Twice

- Eddie, Bob's partner in the Liquor store that they owned, used to tell the BPD about how Bob (who was still married) treated his wife and what was happening at Bob's house

- By the way, Eddie regularly propositioned the BPD and said that he would take care of her

- Eventually she had a threesome with Bob and the local bartender. But she said that she couldn't do it

Whew. I'm tired from all of this. I think that's how it went down. It all ended with The Firehouse incident, which I'll cover in a future installment (real soon -- I forgot about this). Talk about drama.

As you can see, the Borderline lives for this attraction. I fell into her trap of the victim. Some have called the BPD a vulnerable seductress. Now you can see why.

Borderline partners must be given firm boundaries, or they will violate all boundaries. The Non partner can quickly suffer from major self-esteem issues, as mentioned in previous entries. If you are the Non in a BPD relationship, keep your eyes open, and make sure that you set these firm boundaries. Your self-worth is at stake.

September

Summer is exiting and fall is upon us -- it's the time of year when things are just beautiful in my part of the world. My life is good, but this time of year is still difficult. Two years ago, I was officially severing the relationship, then going back in. Then the relationship was off, then on, and the dance continued.

There was so much turmoil two years ago; I guess that I've never been able to really deal with it. I spent most of my days in a state of depression, or I was in automatic 'movin out' mode where I was readying myself for a big change.

That's what I've learned about myself. I'm good making change. I'm not good actually healing from the trauma or dysfunction that precipitated the change.

To make that a little more understandable -- I can make change easily. I don't easily heal from the change. I hide from it and try not to deal with it.

I guess we're all like this, but I may be a little more sensitive to it. Or maybe I'm just noticing this in myself now.

I bet that I'm going to feel like this even more in the future. I'll try to be strong and not run from these feelings, but when it's time to deal with it, you know.

It's time. Stay tuned.

The Committment Declaration

I'm not sure how much I've previously written about this, but it deserves mention again -- the Commitment Declaration.

What do you do when you're in a relationship with someone who is so insecure, so unstable, so untrusting?

You try to stabilize them, any way that you can.

I had just gotten divorced. I was now in a committed relationship with this woman who was so insecure for no reason, so untrusting for no reason, so unstable for no reason.

I thought I could make her feel better. All of my attempts were not helping.

What to do? Not ready to marry (after all, we had only been together for about six months). I got it -- a commitment declaration.

I wrote out a full declaration of the joint commitment. The fact that we were exclusive, we would not cheat or deceive the other, etc.

It was a beautiful document, if I can say so. About six pages in length, written professionally with rules and consequences for the rules (mostly professional counseling -- shocker), and it covered everything.

Everything was spelled out. Rules -- boundaries -- for the relationship. The BPD read it and actually recommended some other rules, so they were added also.

We both signed the declaration, then went and sat on the beach, drinking a bottle of champaigne together. We got Irish cloughter rings and wore them to show our commitment to one another.

I thought that this would make her feel much more secure, much more stable in the relationship.

It didn't.

Within a month, she got upset about I don't know what and ripped up and threw out the Commitment Declaration. All my work -- thrown out.

It actually took her much longer to throw out the cloughter ring. She disposed of that almost a year later in April when she threw them under her deck into a place that can't be reached by human hands.

Nothing I could do -- nothing -- would make the BPD feel more comfortable. For someone like me who feels that they can help positively influence the world, this was quite a frustrating exercise, but one that I had to go through.

Such a relationship really makes you define yourself. Even better, you're forced to verbally say who you are, which reinforces who you are. Before the relationship, I knew how I was but had self-doubt. This self-doubt was washed away, because Borderlines will find this self-doubt in you and exploit it.

You quickly learn who you are. You learn your true essence.

Looking back, I needed the relationship to help me grow. It helped me grow and define myself. It taught me that others do not perceive things the way that I do, and there are times I will not be able to convince others to see the world the way that I do, no matter how hard I try.

These lessons are sometimes hard to learn; they were hard for me. Growing up is not always easy, they say.

The Private Investigator--Twisted Reality

When I was dating the BPD, I traveled on business quite infrequently. Before the relationship was 1 year old, I had to travel to Orlando, Florida for business. She was not happy at all about it, and accused me of everything under the sun -- like I was going on this trip for some type of rendez vous with another woman.

Looking back at these things, they were so ridiculous, so downright goofy. With that said, they were the reality of the BPD, whether I like it or not.

So, I went away and did my business. I called the BPD regularly and spoke with her when I could. Overall, things were going okay -- just okay -- for the first two days. I was scheduled to leave on the morning of the third day, and suddenly things fell apart at 11 pm the night before I left.

I spoke with the BPD at 9 PM and she said that she needed to call me back -- she and the neighbor smelled natural gas and had the gas company investigating.

I never heard back from her. I got worried that she was okay. I eventually called the police and told them that I was worried. They called me back and said that they checked out the situation, and that she was there and fine.

More games. I went to bed.

I woke up to my phone ringing at 2 am. She was in a rage, telling me that I was having phone sex the night before and talking with African American prostitutes on the phone. She told me that she "knew everything," then proceeded to fire off question after question about the night before.

All that I did the night before was speak with the BPD (she went to a concert so I spoke to her before she went and while she was going), speak with a lifelong friend and leave a message for an old co-worker. That's it.

We were up the entire evening, discussing the goings on the night before. She kept accusing me of doing things, which I continued to defend myself. I did not get any sleep, then had to fly back home.

I arrived back home to accusations of I don't know what, being hung up on repeatedly, and the locks changed in the place where I lived--with her. It got so bad that I told her that I was being so truthful that I was willing to take a polygraph test. She proceeded to try to find someone who would administer one.

She really believed I was lying to her so much that she wanted me to take a polygraph test. Again, her perception was that twisted.

For the wise, if you're required to take a polygraph by your partner, leave the relationship. There's no trust and little love in such a relationship.

Her sister called me at one point, then told me, "she wants to have a clean break." Game over, I guessed. I called my parents and had to stay with them. There was a bag of my stuff on the porch of where we lived. She had changed the locks, so I couldn't get anything else.

I drove to my parents, such a wounded soldier. I felt terrible. I never -- never -- want to feel that way again. Like I had done something wrong. No person deserves to feel the way that I did then.

The morning after she kicked me out, I went to a counselor that we both had seen together. The counselor was the first person that told me that she was a borderline. That's when I started figuring it all out.

It took me a year to get fully out, but this was the start.

I learned what happened after we reconciled, which took two days (she sent me a text message asking me to get my stuff, and when I stopped there, we reconciled). She told me that she had hired a private investigator. The investigator sat outside my hotel room, listened to my conversations (and transcribed them poorly), followed me out when I would go outside and smoke (I smoked back then -- they say smoking is anxiety -- I've stopped since then, thank the Lord -- I always hid my smoking, particularly in a professional environment), and that's about it.

The night that she flipped, she got the transcripts back and made them into some type of bad thing, which they weren't. My conversation with Chris was suddenly phone sex. She questioned me about who was this person, and who was this person. This interrogation would periodically re-appear throughout the relationship: "Who's Rhoda? Who's Fred (there was no fred)?" It was like she had the transcript and would periodically go back to it.

The shame of the matter is that she never had to do such a thing. The bigger shame is that I let it happen. This is a great example of having to give the BPD boundaries. The problem is that she had her family involved--she distrusted me so much that she told her sister, who recommended the Private Investigator.

That's all fine (not really), but the worst thing is that she was able to make something not bad into something bad.

They call that the BPD twist.

Did she cheat?

I was recently asked if she cheated on me. Borderlines are known to cheat on their partners quite often.

She probably did cheat on me. There were weekends when we were first dating when she would suddenly be unavailable and not speaking with me, so she probably did, early in the relationship. I remember, early in the relationship, she was feeling insecure and paranoid about me cheating, and she said, "you know, if you cheat, I can cheat too."

I was usually quite confident and jovial in my approach to the Borderline. This one struck me hard, and I suddenly got serious, stared right at her, and queried, "what did you say?"

She repeated herself.

I looked her straight in the eyes, and said, "if you cheat on me, this relationship is over."

She never said or hinted that she would cheat based on her perceptions again. Although she still had her paranoid suspicions, she knew better than to say such things to me.

This is the textbook definition of setting a solid boundary for the BPD. The borderline knew that cheating would not be tolerated, so while she continued to think that I was cheating, she would not cross that boundary, or even test this boundary.

She probably did cheat, early in the relationship, before I set the boundary for her. After the boundary was set, she never would have done such a thing.

In the end, it doesn't matter -- if the relationship is so dysfunctional, you should get out. If she cheats, don't tolerate such poor treatment.

Denise -- A Great Example of BPD Jealousy

I forgot to talk about Denise -- my exBPD's cousin's girlfriend. The BPD thought that I had something for this girl, despite the fact that she was 15 years younger than me and not as attractive as the BPD.

It all started at one of her family reunions. Her cousin and girlfriend (Denise) were staying at the BPD's place. After we spent time with the entire family, they came back and hung out with our clan, always a good time. Except the BPD thought that I had something for her, so in the middle of the night, she starts her accusations:

"You keep asking, 'where's Denise? What's she doing?' WHY DO YOU CARE?"

Ummmm, I'm just trying to be hospitable.

That's not the classic one, though. The following morning, Denise wants to shower. I point her in the direction of the Master Bathroom, give her a towel, and she's taking a shower. Door's closed and she's showering in complete privacy.

After giving Denise the towel, I go into the Master Bedroom Closet to get something. The BPD is on me right away.

"You're stalking Denise. You're waiting for her to get out so you can have a look at her."

Uhhhhh, no, I'm just getting something.

That one was the classic one. She was convinced that i was stalking this girl that was pretty but not as pretty as the BPD, way too young for me, and...well, I think you get the point. She didn't care, though. Somehow I was capable of such a thing.

The following year, the same thing occurred -- her Denise jealousy flared up.

"We're hanging out with Denise all the time...you're making eyes at Denise and hitting on her...you're checking out Denise because she's in a bathing suite..."

Uh, no, no no. Denise and her boyfriend, Frankie, had similar interests and we got along with them. It was a good relationship.

"Take me home now," I told her, "unless you apologize. I'm not taking such treatment. I would never do that to you, and if you think that, then I want you to take me home now."

She apologized.

Denise was brought up in group counseling sessions -- that's how much the BPD really thought that I would hit on a girl that was 22 years old, 15 years younger than me, and the girlfriend of her cousin. BPDs can't fathom that others have boundaries and respect them, because they don't have such boundaries.

That's why it's difficult to trust a BPD. You never know what they're going to do.

Scary. Downright scary that someone can think like that. They can, though.

Grace

At church on Sunday, Pastor talked about grace and how it has to flow freely from you. You need to be able to forgive others for their sins against you, and he cited a passage from the book of Acts. Tears ran down my face as I heard him say that. I feel real bad, but I'm having difficulty following the Lord in this instance.

I cannot forgive her for what she did. I just cannot forgive her.

The way she treated me, the way she acted just wasn't right. It was mean. It was heartless. It was not the way she told me she would treat me. She treated me much worse than she ever promised.

She was so hurtful. She did things with the intention of hurting, or with the intention of not being hurt herself. The world was all about her, and it was at my expense. I tried to show her who I really was, but she just never got it.

It didn't matter what I did or how I acted. She still was bent on the fact that I was bad. When I was there, I was the man in her eyes, but when I walked out the door, I was the devil.

Grudges were held not for months, but for years. She would cite things that happened early in the relationship that were not against her, but she thought that it was something against her, years later.

My children were hurt by her. Her children were hurt by her. The family was split apart because of her actions. I have not seen her girls since September because of her actions.

I am having difficulty forgiving her. All that I can do is pray that I can get the strength to forgive her, and hope that with time, I will be able to do this.

In time, I hope. In time...

Control & Boundaries

One of the biggest aspects of a relationship with a BPD is control. I never realized this until I was out of the relationship, but BPDs have to control every aspect of the Non's being, or they go absolutely insane.
- When we broke up, she would get angry with what I did or how I acted
- I was not allowed to join a gym when I moved out because the time I went to the gym was conducive to single people. Yet she could go to the gym every day
- I could not go out with my friends, even to play whiffle ball, because she thought I'd be meeting a woman. Yet I encouraged her to have a girls' weekend and watched all the kids when she went out with friends
- I worked every day, and for a good part of the time we were together, she would pick me up and have lunch with me. So I had NO free time. Yet, every day, she had all the free time that she wanted because she did not work. With all of her accusations and assumptions, she could have had torrid affairs with people and I never would have known about it (I trusted, so it didn't matter -- only now that I'm out of the relationship am I starting to question all of her motives, projection and the like).
- She would make up excuses to kick me out -- twice. Looking back, I should have never taken it. All my things were at that house, and I'd be left with a bag on the porch and have to go and stay with my parents. What a pathetic way to live.

The control becomes quite hypocritical, as you can see. It's sad, because the relationship becomes so unbalanced. I complained about the unbalanced nature of the relationship, but it fell on deaf ears.

Boundaries Are CRITICAL

One of the times when the BPD kicked me out of the house, I went and stayed with my parents and went to a counselor that we both had seen. The counselor informed me that she was borderline. I wasn't ready to leave the relationship (didn't understand at that point), and I asked the counselor if I stay in the relationship,what should I do.

Her response was to establish boundaries with the borderline. This is the best thing for BPDs as they live without boundaries. I used to tell the BPD that she had to get a job because it would give her structure and boundaries that she needed so desperately. Of course, she never got a job.

Unfortunately, my exBPD girlfriend could not respect any boundaries. That's one of the problems with BPDs, but you need to give boundaries to them. It's critical.

Examples of good boundaries with borderlines include:
- Not letting borderlines running every part of your life. Borderlines, if you let them, will not let you have any personal time. They will invade on any time that they can, including your time at work (she called me regularly at work and accused me of things, including sleeping with coworkers, etc) and time with others. It threatens them, and in the case of my exBPD, often triggered her fight or flight response.
- Establishing clear consequences for their actions, and following through. Borderlines will test, like children test, every part of the relationship and what you will and will not tolerate. The BPD in my life knew that I would not tolerate cheating. If she did cheat (which I think that she did in the beginning of the relationship), she hid it very well from me.
- Not accepting Borderlines' projections. Many borderlines project their fears and anxieties onto you and make them reality. There were times when I would address and accept these as reality, to my demise. If a borderline projects their fear onto you, tell them that you do not accept that. Do NOT accept non-truths as it erodes your self-confidence and self-esteem

Try to remain strong and not take things personally. I did, and she hurt me badly as a result of it. I've grown enormously since then, but being in the relationship was quite painful at times.