Thursday, January 22, 2009

Did she cheat?

I was recently asked if she cheated on me. Borderlines are known to cheat on their partners quite often.

She probably did cheat on me. There were weekends when we were first dating when she would suddenly be unavailable and not speaking with me, so she probably did, early in the relationship. I remember, early in the relationship, she was feeling insecure and paranoid about me cheating, and she said, "you know, if you cheat, I can cheat too."

I was usually quite confident and jovial in my approach to the Borderline. This one struck me hard, and I suddenly got serious, stared right at her, and queried, "what did you say?"

She repeated herself.

I looked her straight in the eyes, and said, "if you cheat on me, this relationship is over."

She never said or hinted that she would cheat based on her perceptions again. Although she still had her paranoid suspicions, she knew better than to say such things to me.

This is the textbook definition of setting a solid boundary for the BPD. The borderline knew that cheating would not be tolerated, so while she continued to think that I was cheating, she would not cross that boundary, or even test this boundary.

She probably did cheat, early in the relationship, before I set the boundary for her. After the boundary was set, she never would have done such a thing.

In the end, it doesn't matter -- if the relationship is so dysfunctional, you should get out. If she cheats, don't tolerate such poor treatment.


  1. Yeah the truth is loving someone with BDP will mark you permanently. Some of us without BDP would go to the ends of the Earth for the one they loved. My ex has BDP she left me because she didnt trust me. Because I hung out with another girl. Before that I had forsaken all other relations of my BDP. Including that of my family. In four years I spent every holiday with my BDP I talked to her everyday. I even would have lived with her if I could convince her to live with me. In fact even now I would give up everything for her. I am still learning to be myself and not be so absorbed into that relationship. Because no matter how you look at it good or bad a relationship with someone with BDP is an all or nothing relationship. I did put all into mine. By the end I was making myself sick to keep her. My hair was gray, I couldnt keep food down, and I still fought to keep her in my life. I still think she is a great person with a problem that she needs help with. I think post relations are the hardest part for someone that has invested that much time and effort into someone with BDP. I wouldnt say run away from the person with BDP because in a lot of cases that kind of thing is the final trigger of the BDP symptoms. I have been trying to recover for a year still trying to find who I am after such a relationship. I loved her with all my heart and still do. Its a hard recovery process, and will take much more time than I thought. I was also suprised to come across your blog and its nice to see that there are others out there...

    By the way I had the luck of starting to date another BDP chick I nipped that in the bud quick...I have the real luck of the draw in that sense. Hopefully the next one will be a littl more sane.

  2. I knew my ex-wife from 1st grade on. We never dated in school, but I always thought she was one of the most beautiful women I had ever seen.

    Then we re-met each other at our 15 year high school reunion. We fell madly in love with each other on the dance floor and went back to her hotel. First red flag - she was still married (but claimed to be separated). I eventually found out that she wasn't really separated, so we cut it off. But I still remember the way she stared at me and was so madly in love with me.

    Once she really got separated, we ended up dating long distance for 3 years, then got married. It was heaven the entire time.

    We were so madly in love that we were wrapped around each other like a pretzel all night long. We had all the same likes (music, movies, etc.). We'd walk through the gym holding hands because we couldn't stand to not touch each other. She would even make me leave a t-shirt that smelled like me for her to sleep with when I was out of town.

    But along the way, I found out she had been a stripper, had been into S&M with clients, went to swinger parties with her ex, etc. It was very difficult for me to learn of those things, but I was so madly in love with her I wanted to make it work. But I always suspected she was messed up.

    After about 2 years, she suddenly just turned cold as ice and started "working late" with her boss and taking trips to Key West for "business." She would be away for days in Key West and mysteriously her cell phone didn't work, etc. She had nights where she had to work late and take her boss back to his hotel (he was from out of town). He eventually bought her a Lexus. Gee, guess what was going on there. It was absolute torture. I was so devestated.

    We went to counseling a few times, and the counseler diagnosed her with BPD. But sharing information about her past was too hard for her, and she refused to go back.

    Then she broke off with that guy and suddenly moved to New Orleans, leaving her own 16 year old daughter behind. As far as I knowhas hasn't spoken to her daughter for 2 years.

    Even after she left, she would email me that I was the love of her life, she would always love me, and she would die with my last name. But she also angrily told me things like "you don't know me, you've never known me." She admitted she had been raped at 13. She admitted she had a 23 year old son she never told me about. I found out she had been married more times than she admitted. It was totally mind-blowing.

    I was pretty messed up for a while. It's been over 2 years now, and I still think about her every day. I still love her and still miss her.

    The hardest part about loving a BPD is the intensity. I don't ever feel like I'll be able to find someone to love that much. The experts say it was probably love, but also a whole lot of addiction and obsession that makes the relationship so intense.

    I believe that, but I still desperately want to find a relationship that is that intense again. I was so madly in love with her. But, I know it's probably not unhealthy.

    I guess I just need to find a healthy relationship that is real and based on respect and love versus addiction and obsession.

  3. This one was hard to digest. Is it the fact that in most cases the borderline cheats or that we failed to notice or even neglected the fact? In my case the opportunities were certainly there for her, she created them, she sought them out, especially with relationships that were from the so called "past".

    To some extent I had a stake in the responsibility for the way the relationship was defined. In the beginning I agreed to the terms and conditions she presented-- that it would be somewhat open, but only because I didn't want to pressure the point and besides I figured things would change once there was some time between us. Boy was I naive about that.

    She was the queen of mixed messages and often said that she didn't want to be in a relationship one day and then the next say that she wanted to "get serious" and that she wanted to be the person that I could trust. Like she just couldn't handle the commitment or the fear of abandonment. I never knew where I stood with her and she would frequently say that to me (projection)-- that she never knew where she stood with me (like it was my fault).WTF? Who wants to be in a relationship like that?

    One weekend she said there was going to be some of her guy friends coming through town and that they would be staying with her. She didn't mention that she had had history with one of them. The next day I saw them embracing outside of a coffee shop as I drove past. Sure this isn't very conclusive, it didn't confirm my suspicions or anything, but her reaction was what threw me, she very coldly said that they were just friends and that she would have hugged the guy even if she knew I had been there. Ouch! No apologies, ever.

    To what degree of cheating I'll never know, it doesn't matter now, as far as I was concerned emotional cheating is the same to me. There were lots of other trips to see guy friends, signs of other guys, I even wondered about other girls, she seemed to feed off of it all. The distinction between friend and sexual partner just became blurred to me with her, even in passersby or acquaintances. Sometimes she would withhold sex as a kind of punishment; it was dysfunctional.

    I don't think she ever thought about how it might have made me feel horrible, that's the problem, it never even registered. Why would I put up with it?

    She was able to achieve orgasm pretty easily and that probably played into my ego, but actually she seemed really inexperienced and was mediocre in the bedroom. Really this all made me see the bigger picture more clearly-- I really feel like I dodged a bullet, what if she had gotten pregnant?

    Now I'm free and it ain't so bad.

  4. I dated a girl with BPD (she also has ADHD + Bi polar) for more than a year. She told me early on in the relationship that she has cheated in all of her previous relationships but promised not to do that to me. Told me a story how she used to text "good night. I love you" to a previous boyfriend from another man's bed!

    Three months into our relationship, she cheated on me with an ex boyfriend. She had a very abusive relationship with this guy, so much so, she was cutting herself when she was with him. Came and confessed to me right away about what she did and was distraught in pain. Told me "I don't know why I think its ok to love someone but go have sex with someone else? Why do I keep doing this?" She told me she couldn't see herself without me and asked for my help to get better. I forgave her indiscretion but told her there will be no second chance. We agreed on some ground rules and she made an effort to abide by them.I was so proud of her and thought I could help her get better with my unwavering love, care and support.

    Things were great for a few months and then I noticed she was becoming increasingly cold and withdrawn. Finally, a month after our one-year anniversary she confessed she was sleeping around again. This time she took it to a whole new level. She was having sex with at least three different guys and this was going on for six months, if not more. During this entire time she was telling friends, family and on Facebook what an amazing boyfriend I was and how happy she was with me!

    Even after all of this she wanted to stay in the relationship and was ready to do "whatever it takes to make us work"! Told me she had "two boyfriends and a fuckbuddy but still felt so empty and alone". I did take her to counseling but I realized things have reached a tipping point, so I decided to let her go to preserve my own sanity and well being.

    I had a very wise counselor who helped me navigate this emotional hell. She helped me see that I am not the problem and there is very little I could do to solve her problem. I feel fortunate I was able to end such a toxic relationship and get out.

  5. My wife of 13 years and two kids has cheated the bulk of our marriage off and on. I found out the 13th year. I am so very hurt by this and ther eis nothing that anyone one could ever do to make me stay and want to take any further risk of her infidelity. She is in treatment now and my focus is our children. Our sons should not see a man/father as weak and pathetic and sniveling no matter how much anyone might think that forgiveness is virtuous. After being cheated on this much, I deserve a divorce, but she is not granting me one easily. There is no end to the pain and manipulation of a person with BPD when you are their spouse.

    She has been so successful and secretive with ehr cheating and her lying to cover her shame. I was always faithful in our marriage and I guess that's why I trusted her so much. So now, year 13, I find out all at once many of the transgressions that she will admit. I am a man's man and not a weak-minded individual, nor co-dependent. I am leaving her ASAP.

    Her mother was BPD as well. Her mother made her cry as an adult by showing her nice side to others and yet was so cold, critical and demeaning to my wife. Just like her mother did her, my wife too gave the best of her to every other man and I got less of her intimacy and sexual favors. I still can't believe it. She has this facade of such purity too that so many see her as. A churchy girl and doesnt cuss, smoke or anything. But, she can have public sex with strangers and the like and sleep with my friends and coworkers while the joke and humiliation is on me.

    It's now winter and the holidays for our young children. as soon as the holdays are over and a month or so more, I must leave this woman. I never knew her - and we were together nine years before marrying. BPDs are strange enigmas. I and other thought we had a marriage to be envied. Her mother overshadowed a lot of our marriage and her mother's TERRIBLE chronic health. That is why I gave her so much lattitude because she was always depressed at her mother's health and what she was doing to her family by cheating.

    Borderlines are selfish. They wont admit shameful things at your expense so that you can make decisions to leave them over infidelity. BPDs that cheat, listen up, your infidelity can cause your mate and children to contemplate committing suicide and retaliating against the men, sometimes husband's frineds that you have had affairs with. It is like playing with dynamite. Let them free of you. They deserve it. I'm sure you feel miserable inside and project that on to your significant other and are bored with them and seek acceptance elsewhere constantly, all to legitimize your cheating; But how would you feel if it were you on the receiving end of that? Break it off and tell them why. Admit your transgressions because your spouse will want to know why. Tell the shameful truth for once and do not lead your children into darkness. You can probably forget about your spouse, they are already ruined for the balance of this lifetime.

  6. I'm 25 and still in a relationship with a borderline.
    I found out that she cheated on me last week with some ugly, creepy jackass who basically wouldn't leave her alone. Only reason she hung out with him is because as she said "I have no other friends" and as a BPD, she did whatever she could to "keep a friend." I'm gonna go to counseling with her. I fully intend on telling her that she will no longer see, speak to or hear from this person if she wants ANY kind of relationship with me. It may be a while before I get up the courage to say it, but I have to do this.

    If she decides to start making excuses, then she can head for the door. I've had enough of the abuse.

    Also, I myself am going to be looking for sex-partners outside the relationship. I do not want to remain faithful to someone who has cheated on me. As much as I want to help her, and even though I want to be with her, I will start looking to see if someone better comes along. The relationship has been very unfair to me. So I will simply do what I must to create a sense of justice and fairness in my life.

    On the slim chance that perhaps she will begin to understand the damage she has done, and starts earning my trust back-then perhaps I'll start investing emotionally again. But right now, I will do as I please.


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