Wednesday, September 9, 2009

The Committment Declaration

I'm not sure how much I've previously written about this, but it deserves mention again -- the Commitment Declaration.

What do you do when you're in a relationship with someone who is so insecure, so unstable, so untrusting?

You try to stabilize them, any way that you can.

I had just gotten divorced. I was now in a committed relationship with this woman who was so insecure for no reason, so untrusting for no reason, so unstable for no reason.

I thought I could make her feel better. All of my attempts were not helping.

What to do? Not ready to marry (after all, we had only been together for about six months). I got it -- a commitment declaration.

I wrote out a full declaration of the joint commitment. The fact that we were exclusive, we would not cheat or deceive the other, etc.

It was a beautiful document, if I can say so. About six pages in length, written professionally with rules and consequences for the rules (mostly professional counseling -- shocker), and it covered everything.

Everything was spelled out. Rules -- boundaries -- for the relationship. The BPD read it and actually recommended some other rules, so they were added also.

We both signed the declaration, then went and sat on the beach, drinking a bottle of champaigne together. We got Irish cloughter rings and wore them to show our commitment to one another.

I thought that this would make her feel much more secure, much more stable in the relationship.

It didn't.

Within a month, she got upset about I don't know what and ripped up and threw out the Commitment Declaration. All my work -- thrown out.

It actually took her much longer to throw out the cloughter ring. She disposed of that almost a year later in April when she threw them under her deck into a place that can't be reached by human hands.

Nothing I could do -- nothing -- would make the BPD feel more comfortable. For someone like me who feels that they can help positively influence the world, this was quite a frustrating exercise, but one that I had to go through.

Such a relationship really makes you define yourself. Even better, you're forced to verbally say who you are, which reinforces who you are. Before the relationship, I knew how I was but had self-doubt. This self-doubt was washed away, because Borderlines will find this self-doubt in you and exploit it.

You quickly learn who you are. You learn your true essence.

Looking back, I needed the relationship to help me grow. It helped me grow and define myself. It taught me that others do not perceive things the way that I do, and there are times I will not be able to convince others to see the world the way that I do, no matter how hard I try.

These lessons are sometimes hard to learn; they were hard for me. Growing up is not always easy, they say.

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