Thursday, September 24, 2009


That's what everyone who's coming out of a relationship needs -- time. We need time to heal, we need time to understand what's acceptable and what's not, we need time to get back to normal. To get back to ourselves.

No matter how much we want to admit, one changes when they are in a relationship, even a healthy one. You create a code of rights and wrongs, do's and don'ts, lists of what's acceptable and what's not. When you're single, things are different. Much different.

After coming out of a relationship, one's inclination is to jump back into a relationship as soon as possible. Fill the hole that was just made by the person you were with leaving your life. While this seems like the best thing to do, it's farthest from what's best for you. You need time. Alone time.

Life with a borderline is much more acute. They make you feel like they are the only one that will ever love you, and they make you feel like you will never have a relationship like the one that you had with them. You miss and mourn the relationship when you're still with them because they paint such a bleak picture of life without them.

Living without the borderline that you were with is initially very difficult. The relationship is so dysfunctional that you've grown addicted to the borderline, and this addiction is tough to break. Very tough. I initially moved out from living with the BPD two years ago, almost to the day. However, we saw one another for two months while living apart until the relationship completely severed.

They say that you need one year of no contact with a Borderline before the addiction is broken. I would say that because of the acute nature of life with a borderline, you need two years without them to be over 80 percent healed. The trauma and abuse is much more acute, so it takes much more time.

I remember feeling terrible, crying on the train ride into work behind sunglasses every morning and feeling so lonely, so lost, so terrified. Looking back, it was quite irrational, probably partially because I needed spiritual fulfillment, but I felt pretty bad. The BPD puts guilt and shame on you that you don't deserve, that's not yours, but you take it because that's the type of person that you are.

Strangely, I also noticed that my ex wife will also put that same shame and guilt on me, and I take it. I'm not used to others putting their misery on me, as I don't do that to others. Yet they do this. My ex wife is telling me how I have strained the relationship with my son and that he resents me for being in multiple relationships after getting divorced. When I ask her if he has said this, she indicates, "no, but I think it's subconscious."

She's miserable. She has always wanted to put her misery and her miserable existence on as many people as possible. I feel bad for my kids and try to keep them out of that, but they'll undoubtedly be affected.

So, here's another connection that I've made about myself: I'm the kind of person that will let others lean on them, and I need to have clear boundaries. If I don't, people that are emotionally needy as well as emotional vampires will take advantage of me and try to put their own shame and guilt on me.

This is why I still write in this blog. As a professional writer, I need an avenue for myself to clear the cobwebs. A place for me to keep the garbage out of my head so I can write clearly and succinctly.

The funniest thing is that I said that the chapter ended almost 1-1/2 years ago. It had only just begun.

The me project and My BPD relationship recovery continues.

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