Friday, September 25, 2009

More Perception

I truly have come far since starting this journey two years ago. I was so scared, so lost, so fearful. I knew that the relationship was bad, I knew that it was toxic, but I wasn't ready to break the chains.

The more I'm blessed to live on this earth, the more that I realize that we all have different perceptions of things and the perception that is given to us helps us explain and understand the world. I've blogged about Perception before -- you can read about it here.

If I am correct and our perception is formed by those that are around us, those that influence us from the youngest years, then one's mental health is directly attributable to those that raised us, our caregivers.

If you are raised in an environment of turmoil, an environment of instability, an environment where you are unsure about your basic needs and if they will be met, is your mental health affected? Probably, but you are also busy worrying about having your basic needs of food, clothing and shelter met.

When the BPD would have an anxiety attack and freak out about something. I would sit down with her and ask her about what happened. I would ask her why she reacted like such, and eventually, I told her that such behavior wasn't acceptable. But she continued, and when I would react more and more unhappily, she had numerous excuses. One excuse was, of course, Bob and how she was traumatized by him. Another one, was that her parents were controlling. Very controlling.

We know that we inherit many of our parents' issues as children. Being the noble people that we are, we want to carry on the family tradition, the family dysfunction, so we inherit these things. I carried crosses from my parents and grandparents, as I'm that ultra-responsible person. So, does the BPD do this also?

I think partially. From my experience, it seems that BPDs are in a state of arrested development. They've learned to adapt to the world and behave quite well in normal social situations. They understand the concept of love, but they are not equipped to internalize the concept.

This is why loving a BPD is the same as your first or an early relationship. They understand the concept of love, but they have not matured enough to take an adult attitude towards relationships. They can use their body sexually, but they cannot go to deeper levels like a longstanding relationship has. Over time, a relationship deepens. Relationships with borderline stays on the same level, because they are not equipped to go to other levels.

Back to perception. If we see high anxiety at a young age, and if we see a state of arrested development at a young age, can we as children easily grow past the state of our parents?

I would argue that it would be difficult. Very difficult.

The BPD's mother had lost her younger brother as an infant or toddler while under her watch -- clearly a traumatic experience that negatively impacted the BPD's mother and her life. She probably placed this anxiety on the BPD. Ironically, the BPD had an older sister who was married and seemed to be better adjusted than her borderline sister.

However, they both had the same eyes, which was clear in pictures. It was anxiety eyes. More about this in future posts.

So, I've digressed quite a bit here and have not even gotten to my initial point about perception -- that our perception is so different, that our lives are formed by the perception that our caregivers provide to us from a very young age, and that the Borderline's perception is lost in a state of arrested development.

Finally, I looked back at my old posts about Perception. Reading the posts that I wrote back then saddens me. I was so hurt, so upset, such a wounded soldier.

The nice thing is that I've come so far. I'm still a work in progress. I'll always be a work in progress.

That's why I'm proud to say that the Me Project continues.

1 comment:

  1. Borderline Shakespeare

    Emotions make us whole
    The Pain, the Stress, the Fear
    We use suicidal blackmail!
    To cover up our tears
    We cry like crocodiles
    And love those fairy tales
    So you can look like infidels
    When we are acting out are skills


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