Monday, September 21, 2009

Letting Go

I recently received a letter discussing the healing and how healing involves letting go of the BPD of the relationship, of everything. The email indicated that I had a lot more healing to do and I had to let go.

I disagree. I do have a lot of healing to do, but for other reasons. I haven't seen this woman for nearly two years -- how could I NOT have let go?

I've recognized the good times of the relationship, and I look back at those times fondly.

However, I also recognize the bad times of the relationship, and I'm still healing from the small abuse and control tactics.

I've let go, but I'm still healing.

Last night, I went out to my car to get something. I was gone for 30 seconds. When I got back, the fear that I used to have when I was in a relationship with the BPD fell upon ready, and I began to mentally brace myself for the 'what were you doing? Who were you sending a text message to?' accusations.

I quickly breathed a sigh of relief when those accusations didn't come from my girlfriend. They've never come and they never will come. I then tell her, "you don't know how bad my life was when I was with her."

I don't need to let go. I do need to heal from the abuse that I suffered from her. That abuse, no matter how confident you are, eventually wears on your soul and wears you down.

It wore me down and ate into me. I'm still recovering. Thank The Lord that Jennie is a patient and kind woman.

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