As a Non, we thrive for this love. When you feel this kind of love, it fills most holes that you have in your life. The BPD gives you this love, then takes it away, devaluing you. You crave this love, this basic love that they give you.
I used to view the love that I had with the BPD as a pure love. This is what I meant, because she provided this low level love to me and it seemed pure. Looking back, it wasn't a realistic love. It wasn't a love that could deepen over time, because every time the BPD devalued me, said nasty things or made outrageous accusations, it was like we had to start over. The love would have to be re-established, trust would begin to be rebuilt, only to be knocked down again.
So, you have a pure love that you crave, but the love cannot deepen because you are treated so horribly.
You're suddenly in turmoil. Constant turmoil.
BPD Love Can Be Good
I've had many BPDs contact me recently, indicating that they are not given a fair chance on this blog. You can understand why I would do such a thing, as my relationship with a BPD ended in termination with me having many deep wounds. However, if a BPD is willing to do the work that they need to make their life and the lives of those that are close to them normal, I guarantee that this type of love can be a good love. The BPD's relationship would be allowed to deepen with their partner, and it could be a good love.
In general, Abounding Love is difficult, as one cannot provide another with abounding love. We need to have boundaries with the love that we give, and the love that we receive as well. When we do not have boundaries, we will burn out from giving too much, or we could feel smothered by receiving too much. If we are receiving too much love, the one that is giving may eventually grow resentful as well.
So, in the end, someone can get too much love. Abounding love is not a good thing. If you're getting it or giving it, there's a price that's being paid by someone else, or by yourself. Regardless, you don't want to be involved with this. Draw boundaries and enforce them.
I met someone early in 2001 and he told me he loved me within the first few dates - that he had fallen in love with me within "10 minute" - I was wary and often made jokes to deflect his intensity - a couple of months in, he said he wanted us to live together - he couldn't bear on single night without me - I thought about it and then one night realised I was in love with him - I had never experienced as pure a love - for the first time I felt I truly was, as he put it - the only person from his 'planet' who really knew him and connected with him. = we were together for five years and then one day I came home and he had gone - and as intensely as he had loved me and I him - yep, I thrived on being loved and 'needed' as intensely -he simply blocked ALL contact - he then went into some sort of downward spiral with alcohol and prescription meds, put his house on the market, stopped working - then the next thing I hear - he married someone 15 years his junior that he had only just met - it broke my heart, but then it dawned on me that it what he did was so opposite of the person he was with me -was fortunate to know a prior girlfriend of his who had only dated him for 6 months but had to see a therapist after it -he did the same intense thing initialy with her, and then dropped and blocked her - I've done my research and I know he has borderline and dependent traits if not a disorder but logic does not help the heart always - I feel sadder for the person he has attached himself to in the need not to be alone, rather than for him - and yep, do feel sorry for myself - was too 'in the intense love' to see things for what they were until too late - hindsight - it speaks a lot -I know what things made him that way - trying to focus on the logic and not take it personally that now I have been made one of the demons who he has been 'victimised' by - he is the professional victim - it takes great strength to remind myself of that every day - yes, I am not perfect, but he decided I was, and when I couldn't be perfect every single day he left - he said one telling thing 'things changed when you went back to work' (a necessity) - because he was no longer the sole focus of my time and energy.
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