Thursday, September 17, 2009

Facebook and The BPD

The other day, my girlfriend and I were talking about the BPD and she mentioned to me, "you know, she's on Facebook."

Really? I thought that she was against any such site. I guess not.

Within a couple of days, I went onto Facebook and searched for her. I couldn't find her. My girlfriend and I spoke some more about it, and she showed me where she was listed.

I couldn't get to the listing.


BLOCKED ON FACEBOOK!

I couldn't get to her listing because she had BLOCKED ME! UGH!

I'm a reasonable man.

I'm a down-to-earth person.

I'm sensible.

THIS REALLY PISSED ME OFF!

I've thought about why it angered me so much -- being blocked on Facebook by a BPD who I was in a relationship with and am recovering. I figured it out.

It's my pride. She did it before I had the choice to do it. I would have blocked her, but I have no choice now.

Like I've said before, I won't have contact with her -- there's too much to lose and nothing to gain. We are prideful -- I am prideful, and she can see my external profile (not the details). I can't see hers.

I have to also remember that the BPD makes the world so she is the victim. In her mind, she was the victim of my evil ways, my taking advantage of her, my narcissistic tendencies. No matter how many counselors told her that she had work to do and she had to work through her issues, she spun it back and it was my fault. At first it was Bob, then it became me.

In my mind, she broke my heart. Into pieces.

So, my pride was hurt by her blocking me from Facebook. It doesn't matter, but that doesn't matter. My pride will recover -- not a huge deal at all.

The BPD struck again. At least she can't really hurt me anymore.

21 comments:

  1. Why would you want to look at her facebook? I want to imagine she doesnt exist, call it denial, call it dissociating, but I want nothing to do with her. I dont want to see her, I dont want to know what shes up to. I dont want any part of her life anymore.

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  2. I just had the same thing happen to me...and even though I don't want contact with him, it hurt me badly to see how he continues to attack and blame me for everything -- at least I perceive it that way.

    I long for real closure (when both parties acknowledge the relationship and part gracefully) but with BP, I know that will never happen. But I still want it. :-(

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  3. Facebook just enabled my ex-girlfriend's borderline tendencies. Her need for constant attention, especially male attention was magnified through social networking sites like Facebook.

    She was constantly messaging, emailing, chatting and scrubbing through people's pages and profiles. The way she described it she just "loved people" and she got "all her energy" from other people, like she was just a big extrovert. But it was symptomatic of her borderline behavior and in some ways it perpetuated itself.

    Almost all of her relationships are surface based, I mean she would rarely see people frequently or repeatedly, preferring to bounce around and hang out with some friends one week and then maybe get a coffee several weeks down the road. But she would cultivate these relationships relentlessly via Facebook, text message and online chatting so that they were still in her circle and never too disappointed.

    She had three different part-time jobs too which allowed her to keep people at arms length and fit her needs for adoration and approval perfectly-- no one would get to know the "real" her and they would pretty much always be excited to see her.

    Facebook gave her some sense of connection with other people and I know that's the point of the whole site, but it was sad in a way how she always had to have it, there were no boundaries for her, it became dysfunctional, she was chatting with married men (daddy issues?) and flirting with them by being coy and suggestive--just looking for attention and seeing if she could get it. When I asked her about the flirting and portraying herself as the "girl with no social life" to these older men she would just say she's social, she "loves people" (again), but I think she knew exactly what she was doing and she was good at it, like extremely good at it. So good she could sell ice to an eskimo good.

    Digital media and Facebook just made it easier for her to promote herself as the center of attention. She has something like 800 friends or fans or whatever you want to call it--if she had a big sneeze or unloaded the dishwasher and posted it she would get five or ten comments, that's how many people she had eating out of the palm of her hand, but its sad because are they really friends? They don't have a clue.

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  4. The post above about Facebook could almost exactly apply to my BPD-ex. Initially, she had an account created for her by her workmates, which she initially laughed-off as just keeping in touch with them off-shift but within a few weeks, she was on it obsessively, cultivating contact from a whole range of current and former friends colleagues and neighbours. Including a fair number of the folk she had previously claimed to have left behind. Plus some complete strangers and the usual smattering of has-been celebs. She certainly got the attention she craved there and would often spend hours and hours hunched over her phone (her boy virtually lived on the PC), chattering and occasionally flirting with some or other of them.

    Personally, I'm unlikely to meet her there as I've never done Facebook due to a longstanding dislike of the Murdoch empire. With her on there, I'm even less likely to want to sign-up.

    Oh and on the one or two occasions she did let me look-in on what she was doing, one warning sign I should certainly have noticed was that she had set her profile status to "Its complicated" and that she had cropped me right out of many of her images of us together.

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  5. It was interesting what you are saying about Facebook, I'm convinced that it had a lot to do with the break up of my relationship with my ex-BDP partner. She became obsessed with it and was on it all the time. I don't know what she was doing but when the children came home from school while I was working, but she would take herself off to the bedroom with the computer so they couldn't see what she was doing. My gut feeling tells me she met someone there and they had an relationship after she left me. She can't be without a man to make her feel valued.

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  6. Yes - Whilst I'm not so convinced about it being a breaking factor for my relationship, I certainly agree it was a major stress. Facebook became a major barrier to our involvement in other activities and communication. She would sit there for hours on end, chattering away, whilst I sat there or tried to find other things to do with her boy, often wondering what on earth or why I was bothering.

    Then of course, she would turn right round, say I was wonderful and that we should do whaatever she wanted.

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  7. Muroch is MySpace, not Facebook. Just sayin'... Anyway, my ex BPD gf just recently "refreinded" me on Facebook (dropped her as a friend shortly after the getting dumped), and I nearly flipped. I hadn't heard from her in 11 months. "What the heck?" I thought.

    After skimming through the details of what she's been up to since we split I can see nothing has changed. Complaining about how her life is out of control. Posting literally hundreds of pics of herself. It was the same crap, different boyfriend.

    I imagine she friended me to check up on me, maybe get some attention from me, but doesn't she remember how she cheated on me, dumped me, claiming her "heart had grown cold?". Makes no sense.

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  8. I got blocked too. Because she was mad I busted her secret life as a lying ho. She didnt even cheat with someone better. I was more insulted then anything.

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  9. I know how painful it is but this addiction will wear off. It will get easier and you will start to feel like yourself again. I think I turned that corner recently. For real. I said I did several times but my sympathy and worry for her sucked me back in. Avoid that at all costs. Get angry. You should be. They just totally betrayed you. No matter how bad it hurts you are the winner. They are doomed. They are villians. They are crazy. Do and say what ever you have to to get yourself, strength, confidence and power back. Then and only then think about forgiving them and understanding that they are sick. They are assaulting your very being. Never talk to them until you get there if ever. You wont want them back. Even if you sleep with them again. Once you are out it will feel great and you will thank God that they took off. Hang in there. You were happy being you long before you met them. You are the best and it really is their loss. Its so their loss its not even funny.

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  10. I so understand what the last poster said, but is so hard when the love trap is so perfect. What I'm finding is that almost impossible to break the habit but then I have to have contact with them. What is worse is I think after six months of that relationship ending I think I have fallen into another with a similar type of person. They might not have borderline but they have similar behaviour patterns. I think they confirm what the person from the first relationship thought at the end that I'm a worthless bit of rubbish, but maybe that is why I'm with them and what I was looking for. My ex borderline really did mess my head however much I care for them I know I wasn't like this before.

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  11. In regard to FACE BOOK post. Please don't give her credit for being good at seducing men. She wasnt good at it like selling ice to eskimos. Its more like she was giving free crack to crack heads. She was good at being a ho. That why they call it "easy".
    That said my ex never mentioned her FB account once. She blocked me from it too. I spied via google catched clips and saw her response to a married man. "you're such a good dad". Sounds so innocent but you know what she's doing. Classless lying loser.

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  12. Her relationship status said, In a relationship. She should have added an "S". Also she posted a Bible passage about love. I wanted to throw up and had to call her out on it. She blocked me. I let her have it and laugh now cherishing myself for those moments.

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  13. Dear, Love trap. I wrote that last post. I just discovered 9 months ago what BDP was and realized the three major heart breaks of my life were BDP girls. I wasnt the same either but you'll comeback to you stronger. This last one caused psycological dammage I am sure. Its temporary. She will comeback sooner or later. They always do. Ignore her. Let her go. Take comfort that she wont change and therefore cannot win. She will screw up every relationship and get dumped hard by a Narcissist who cares less then she does. Thats when she will remember how good you were to her and show up to get you back. You will bang her like crazy once, but wont take her back. You won't want to. The love trap only worked because you didnt know it was a trap. Today is the greatest day of your life. You just dont know it yet. I promise.

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  14. Love trap, also remember these are not very smart girls. Coniving and lying makes them feel smart and powerful. That what you have to realize about your former bff. She is trying to control you with fake victim hood and sex and lies and the kitchen sink. She is not really confident. Thats fake. Her emotions were stunted. You are actually dealing with a selfish child. literally. That why she was so much fun too but she's stupid otherwise and her appitite for attention will never be filled. Its really sad to the point of pathetic. When I realized that I couldnt watch porn anymore. For a while anyway. LOL.

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  15. Remember blocking you is the silent treatment. Its abuse and meant to hurt you. Its a denial to admit their wrong or take responsibility for their actions. See them as children because emotionally they are. Don't give that little punk the satisfaction. You cant lose this war if you dont fight it. If you ignore them they will crumble inside. They are much weaker then you thats why they are trying to hurt you. It makes them feel powerful.

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  16. This is a subject that I am very familiar with. I have been (and continue to be) the victim of her "splitting." She tells me we're soulmates, then she tells me we were nothing more than friends. She blocks me on FB, then she unblocks me. She blocks me again. Then our mutual best friend who had just written me out of her life because my recent contact with the BPD decides to dissolve their friendship as well. Now she calls me upset about it and pretending like we have been friends the entire time. I don't know what to do anymore. I always swore I'd be there for her and help her through this. So I tell her she needs help to break the cycle and pattern of these unstable relationships. She blocks me again the day after having reached out to me. I can't help but feel terrible; like I am making her life miserable. I want to be free of her drama, but I also want to be the person I pride myself on being and forgive her time and time again. It's crazy that she told me she loved me yesterday, and today its the silent treatment again. It is really difficult. I don't know how much I should reach out or if I should ignore her. I am worried sick about her mental health, but I am unable to inquire about it, nonetheless actually help her. Should I go to our mutual friends for help? Should I ignore her? Should I call her and try to explain how much I care one more time? Literally nothing works. And I can never trust her again. And I will never stop caring for this person. It is absolutely out of control.

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  17. I randomly did a search for "BPD and Facebook,"and I am just astounded by what I am reading. It's as if we are all dealing with the same person.

    My BPD is my adult daughter, and I am the unfortunate target of her projection and splitting. I have been almost knocked off my feet by her verbal abuse and viscous attempts to destroy me through lies, but I am starting to get my bearings. Although this hurts A LOT, sites like this one and others I have found have provided not only invaluable information, but incredible support and validation. I'm doing a workbook called, "Stop Walking on Eggshells,: and I feel as if a ton is being lifted from my shoulders. I am learning not to volunteer to be her victim.

    Regarding Facebook, in particular, my daughter is basically obsessed with it. She is on it incessantly...at the dinner table, in church, first thing in the morning, in the middle of the night, all the time. She goes into her room and stays on the computer while her 3 young children remain completely unsupervised downstairs. The house is absolutely disgusting...garbage and old food all over, mess from the cat and dog, anything you can imagine... and the kids are exposed to all kinds of hazardous materials and items.

    The other day,my son walked in as the kids were pouring bleach all over the floor and running and sliding in it! He had to put them immediately into the shower to get it off their little bodies. Thank God they were OK, and it didn't harm their skin or get into their eyes. My daughter was oblivious to the entire incident...upstairs on her computer.

    I believe that FB is the perfect arena for a BPD, because it's a pseudo-reality...much like the one in her head. FB is whatever you make it to be. You can create your own world, entirely apart from reality. It is superficial and easy to manipulate. My daughter actually makes up false people on FB...creates artificial profiles, and has conversations with the people in which they tell her how INCREDIBLY "hot" and "brilliant" and "amazing" she is. There are no words to describe how extreme this is. It sends a chill up your spine when you sit there and read these lengthy fake conversations. Strangely, after a few weeks or months, the conversations always ultimately turn viscous and demeaning, ending with the fake person calling her a "filthy whore" or a "slut." It's quite disturbing.

    OK, well...I've rambled enough. Thanks for starting this blog. I'm finding a little more hope and strength every day through sites like this.

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  18. Loving these post! P*ssing myself laughing at some... They really help a lot as I'm "trying" to deal with a finished Borderline relationship too. She dumped me (surprise surprise) after f*ck knows how many bust-ups. Both as bad as each other but somehow, deep down I knew she'd have the last say. Now I'm blocked on Facebook. Makes me feel like a monster or something. Good job we live in different towns and I can't drive really. I'm sure I'd be arrested for stalking. I'm still obsessed. God she really has damaged my brain (in just under 6-months).

    Some days I'm ok. I can rationalize and accept she's ill. Other days I can't think straight. I get confused. Ruminate. Wonder if it was ALL my fault? But after talking to friends and relatives I know she was wacko. Real shame! I adored her. Too much! These women should come with a mental health warning stuck to their foreheads!

    Basically, if you're still trying to communicate - STOP IT! I had to. My Borderline ignores every attempt I make at contact. Makes me feel like I'm losing it. After everything, the idealisation phase, etc, it has left me cold and withdrawn the way she was able to just walk away from me! We were (seemingly) really close. You know the way they are: INTENSE!

    And now I'm crap. 3-weeks no communication. Blocked on Facebook. Dead wood. I hope to Christ she doesn't come back in 6-months from now. I dread to think!

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  19. I've had an on-again, off-again "relationship" with a married Russian BPD. We seem to have a lot in common, but some things are just "off."

    The main thing that bothers me is she tells me how much she "loves" me and wants to "make love" with me, though I'm sure she tells numerous guys the same thing. We live thousands of miles apart, though she claims she's moving to my state this summer.

    We've undfriended and friended numerous times. Usually it's my jealousy that drives me off. She's invited a guy (a friend's son) to her house and she openly flirts and seeks attentions on Facebook.

    I just unfriended her again today after seeing the flirting. She's a definite headcase, but I have to admit I love the drama and attention. I'm married myself and this brings a little spice to life. Thankfully it's all fantasy-land!

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  20. my bpd friend got into her "splitting" phase and got really angry at me for no reason. she decided that she needs a few weeks to get over it. since i didnt know that she had bpd then, i kept texting her and after a week of silent treatment, she finally started talking to me but still in a very demeaning way. she talked to me for two weeks before she finally decided that she has had enough of me so she blocked me on facebook. that is the only contact i had with her. its been a week now. should i wait it out till i get to meet her after a month or should i wait her to unblock me? (will she?) or should i try and make contact through some friend's account? (i had by this time realized that she has bpd by reading up on articles and all and i kept telling her that its ok to feel angry and that im there for her-trying to validate her but she got angry on the fact that im wrong in thinking that she'll ever need me, so she blocked me) PLEASE HELP

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  21. Hi. This will be in several parts because it is too long. It helps to read other people's posts and realize we're not alone in the world of Borderline heartbreak.

    Part 1.I am female and got involved with what I believe is a borderline male. I met Billy on an online dating site. He was fun to be around and seemed so easygoing. Though not handsome by the world's standards, I found him to be extremely attractive. He seemed to feel the same way about me. After we met face to face, he was constantly sending me sexually charged text messages, wanting to sleep with me. He never told me he loved me. I just knew he really liked me. I refused to sleep with him because I had always needed love to be the prerequisite to that, but after about four months, I gave in because I had strong feelings for him. The sex was fantastic for both of us. I was afraid that he might do the old "nail and bail" but he didn't. I told him I wanted to be his girl, but he said he only wanted to be friends. So we continued to be just that.

    A whole year went by and we hadn't seen each other face to face in all that time, but texted each other several times a day. He said that I'm hilarious and that I'm very sweet and consistent. He would send me flirty text messages in which he would call me "baby doll" or he'd just send messages that said "nibble," "lick," or "meow."

    I told him I wanted to have him over for dinner and he told me he would like that. I told him I wanted to go have drinks with him and he also said he would like that. But each time I invited him to do either, he was always busy or had his son for the weekend.

    While we texted back and forth the past year, there were times when he would return all my texts and promptly and then at other times he would completely ignore me. When I asked him why he was ignoring my texts, he seemed a bit angry and inferred that I had a problem and that sometimes people are too busy to return texts. I realize that, but when I ask a direct question via text and don't get an answer after a few days, I start to wonder what's going on. I thought he may have wanted to end the relationship and so I told him if he planned to do that, I would understand but that I would prefer he do it in a kind and considerate way so that we both could feel good about it. I told him it would hurt me if he were to just cut off communication with me and not give me a chance for closure. He assured me I was overreacting. This pattern went on for a year. He does have a girlfriend a thousand miles away, but there is no future with her because neither one of them will relocate. Yep. I should never have gotten involved with a man who has a girlfriend and I wouldn't have if she lived around here and if I believed there was any kind of future for that relationship. I really can't justify it though. Sometimes the worst of our selfish human nature is strong and this time I gave in to that. Hopefully, I've learned my lesson.

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