Monday, April 7, 2008


I have a piece of artwork that reads "I am a pilgrim on the edge of my perception. We are travelers on the edge, always at the edge of our perception."

I bought this piece of artwork a couple of months before I met her. What a telling piece of art, foreshadowing what I was about to live through. She hated -- I mean hated -- that piece of artwork. I found that piece of artwork (and the Believe sign that I got her) in the garbage, out in the garage, anywhere that she didn't have to see it. She thought that was me screwing with her and other females, trying to take advantage of them through changing their perception. Or something like that.

I just thought it was a neat concept and a neat piece of art.

The BPD knows that their perception of the world is different from everyone else's. They know it intimately, and they *try* to make you think that they see things similarly. They slip too many times, though, telling you things like, "I knew that I was into you because if I found that he (the old boyfriend who she has a restraining order against) was living with someone else and I wasn't with you, I would have freaked out."

Really? If I had to have a restraining order against someone because I feared for my *life,* and if the things I say about this person (they were a narcissist, they regularly lied and screwed with me, etc.) were true, I would pray that they were with someone else.

I think normally though. My perception of the world is not so self-centered that I cannot understand the dynamics of a normal, healthy, functional relationship. I understand how things are supposed to work. I may not have had much normalcy, but I'm working on it :).

The BPD only can focus on themselves. After they have split and made their partner the evil one, they are still so controlling that they cannot wish their partner well, as a normal relationship does. They will attempt to destroy the partner, as that person is the reason for their misery. They try to project their misery, their emptiness onto the partner, then destroy them at all costs.

I have heard stories of BPDs, years after a relationship has terminated, accusing their partner of stalking them when they were hundreds of miles away. Many BPDs will file false police reports and ultimately get themselves into trouble.

They need the drama and will do whatever to make drama. She accused me of tampering with her computer network at one point, illegally checking her email, and other things that I can't even remember. One was send her a text message at 3:12 in an attempt to screw with her as her daughter gets off the bus at 3:20 (this was the best one ever - I'd call her at 3 every day because we'd talk at lunch - somehow, 3:00 became the regular time I called. That was, in some way, an attempt to screw with her -- true BPD paranoia). This is months after we had spoken for the last time, and was all done via email and text message.

I wonder what my motivation would be. Just to screw with her? To find out information that I would make me sad?

The BPDs perception is all about them. They do not think how these actions which they accuse the partner would impact the partner if they actually did them. In the end, such senseless accusations are yet another attempt to get attention, primarily from her family, but from anyone else who will provide it.

The thing that makes me the most sad is that while she was thinking all these bad things, I was living life on Cloud 9, thinking that I was truly in love and that life was great. Meanwhile, every day, she was splitting and making me into some evil person that was out to get her, screw with her, cheat on her, and the like. When she talked about her old boyfriend, she never said anything good about him. He was just there to lie to her, screw with her and take advantage of her. Now I'm the same person, and I tried so hard to make every day special, keep things on an even keel.

Unfortunately, the Nons live a life that's an illusion. The BPD is good at making the Non's life blissful until they give the Non their misery in slow doses. We think that this was the life we always wanted (I said that many times), but the BPD has an entirely different perception going on in their head. Looking back, she gave it to me from the beginning, but I was so confident that I would just excuse it.

As a Non, we settle in because we think life is just wonderful, but then things begin to change on a daily basis. At first, the good outweighs the bad, then slowly, the scales tip back. Now we're completely enmeshed and unable to break the chains easily.

Looking back, it was a learning experience. I know what I will -- and will not -- accept out of life. I know that relationships take time to develop and are built on trust -- without it, no (and I mean NO) relationship exists. I will not fall into the traps that I fell into again, I will have healthy boundaries with my partner, and I will not tolerate large levels of dysfunction that negatively impact my children or career. There are other important things in life, like Me.

When looking for a partner, make sure that you have similar perceptions. I know that Men are From Mars and Women are from Venus, but you need to view the world the same way and understand similar experiences. It takes time to develop this understanding of another person; I gave this understanding blindly and assumed that we saw things similarly. Wrong.

Our perception is everything.


  1. Hey. This was very interesting for me to find! I've had several relationships where I was the Non. I only recently was able to pinpoint the faulty perception and projection as what upset me the most.

    In fact, I am still kind of involved a situation like this. I just wrote about it in a post called Choosing Intimate Partners: To Repeat or Not to Repeat?. You would probably find it interesting, though it's a bit long.

    Either way, it's great to meet someone who understands the pain of being the non. You'll find a lot of resources on my site of interest and feel free to leave a comment or get in touch.

  2. I know quite a bit about psychology and the DSM IV, yet when I fell for the first week of my BPD's projected angelic, wonderful, giving, caring selflessness (facade), and her physical beauty (she looks like a little Barbie doll) I didn't know it was her way of making herself feel important.It was her projected self, while her personal life and self-image was a hell she was stuck in. She was the perfect petite, blonde Barbie with a Donna Reed way about everything she did, and she helped the elderly, and saved hurt animals. I thought she was Mother Theresa, and that I was in heaven that she liked me! ME!! I would soon see she would see me as wonderful, then evil. Back and forth. She would dote on me, then seem to think everything I texted was attacking her. She would read an attacking tone of voice in every text, and say I was so intelligent she couldn't believe I had such nasty opinions of her, and that she felt my comments and digs were like smashing her head into a wall of ice. I never wrote anything to intentionally be mean, and yet she acted like I had a personal mission to analyze her and cause drama in her life. She says she doesn't want any drama, so I'm afraid to speak, now that we are trying to date again. She takes a beautiful outing with love in the air and suddenly gets very defensive and accusatory about things I say. If I tell her I didn't mean it that way at all, she doesn't hear that. But...I love her.
    She doesn't think she has BPD (or any illness at all, for that matter) but she fits every criteria, not just the five needed for a diagnosis. I think that now knowing, secretly, in my own mind, she is BPD, I am hoping I can understand why she suddenly thinks I am evil. I think that if a person puts their whole life on the line to try to make it work with a BPD, they cannot possibly be evil. I will continue to read this site, and others. I care so much about her...but I take it she will not change, because she insists all her perceptions are right, and people with other perceptions are intentionally trying to cause her drama. "I hate drama!!" She says. She doesn't understand she causes it and seeks it by what she says and does, and with whom she associates (people with busloads of dysfunctions, themselves). She does not tell them off for anything! She has strong and many friendships and I think its because she doesn't blow up at them. They only see her Donna Reed personae. She claims it is because she puts me on a pedestal and expects better of me. I also take it she is a hoarder, and an animal hoarder, too, to some extent. OCD!! She lets the losers she knows into her house, but she won't let me into her house cuz she thinks I will leave her. Abandonment....sigh. She was abandoned as a child, going through many bad foster homes, if I can believe her. She also lies to make up grandiose stories, and she lies when she doesn't want to admit the truth about things, and she even made up a fictional love affair...a fictional person, to tell me all about, when we were split up for four moths. But yet she is a good person trapped in this. She does rescue animals and pay for their surgeries, and she does help the elderly for free, and does donate large amounts of money to charities (she is an R.N.). She does buy me things for my house, and brings me groceries because she is a very selfless person... as long as a mirror isn't held up to her face when she is being illogical, wrongly-accusatory and paranoid. Hmmm...I could write a book on this, too, when I get done reading others' stuff. Good stuff on this site. Gosh everything sounds just like her, and just like me. Thank you!

  3. Buddy you need to run out of that relationship as fast as you can. You will not fix her.

    I was in a relationship a with a BPD for 12 years. I helped raise 4 kids (hers). Everything was great for the first 5 years or so. I did notice small things here and there but like most men just blew it off. Little by little by she started to brainwash me.
    Most problems that arose in our marriage were my fault, I needed to change. So off I would go and start seeing a therapist. Start working on issues.

    Then the real drams began. In 2009 she want weight loss surgery. She had battled a weight problem on and off. Well in July of '10 she was down to 135 lbs. and looked great. I would tell her so all the time. Inside she was feeling like I didn't care about her looks, ?I wasn't giving her enough praise for her weight loss and her looks.

    She started to dress sexier, wearing provocative clothing trying to look 24, she was at the time 43. She would say she was gong out whit this girlfriend =or that one. It's just I never got to meet that girlfriend of her's. I became suspicious of her activities. Wow, did she turn that one around. I was told I was insecure and acting like a child.

    All her outside behavior and interaction would be filled with sexual innuendos and do mean all. When I would confront her the results would be my insecurities.

    She turned the kids against me, even going as far as telling a 16 and 17 year old step daughter that my performance in the bed room was not up to par. Tell me how sick that is?

    So in June of this year we decide to split up and take a break, so I thought. I was only to be a separation. She informed my son (30) and our step daughter (21) that she had no intention of divorcing me, we just needed time to work on things.

    Here's where it really get good. I left on July 13Th for a camping trip and make my way to my son's house in Washington state.
    During that time we would text back and forth, her responses took longer and longer to get to me. Deep inside my heart I knew what was happening.

    So I arrive at my son's on the 23rd of July. My step daughter calls me and informs me that her mom had met a guy and by the Tuesday after I left he was spending the night. My mother-in-law also informed me of this. So I tried to call her several times, she would not answer or when she would, she would become very hostile.

    The remainder of the week I didn't hear from her. I continued to try. On Sunday the July 31 St. I get a call from her, "I filed for divorce on Friday. I'm done. ME: Well, whats going on? Her: No need to rehash that. CLICK" As they say that was that.

    I hired a attorney and we are headed to divorce court.

    Now I want you to understand, she has everyone convinced that she did nothing wrong. She has no guilt or remorse, none.

    Her new "victim" moved in with her this past weekend to start his "wonderful" new life with his "soul-mate". I feel bad for the guy. She seduced him with the best sex he ever had, I'm sure he has self esteem issues. She is making him feel on top of the world.

    As a post script here. I was husband number 4. None of her previous marriages lasted more than 4 years. I was sucked into the trap, do not allow yourself to do it, you may not come out alive.


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