Sunday, April 6, 2008


It's nice to feel like I have my mind back. She no longer haunts me. I don't think about her all the time anymore either. I used to spend my time thinking, sometimes saying aloud, "you don't know me," and the statements that I used to say to her every day.

The BPD's reality is a different reality from the normally functioning person. They think differently, all emotion and very little logic. Their logic is based on emotion. The problem is that a partner of a BPD is given this to deal with on a daily basis, and this illogical, emotion-based logic where emotions become facts becomes the non's reality.

Over time, this can do some serious damage to the non. I feel like for the most part, I fought a good fight. I should have NEVER admitted things of myself that I did not believe in an effort to compromise. I thought that it was the right thing to do at the time, but I was not true to myself in an effort to keep stability in the relationship. Big problem, I now realize.

I have my normal emotions, feelings and attitude toward life back. I no longer possess the BPDs baggage, fears and emotions, like she so adeptly gave to me. My reality is back, and it's real nice to have it back.

Life's back on track. The interesting thing is that I have no idea where things are taking me. That's okay. I no longer fear the things that I did six or four months ago. I don't really think that I fear much at all now. The holes that I needed to fill are filled, and ones that I thought needed to be filled are no longer holes. They went away.

Particularly the hole with regards to sex.

When you're with a BPD, your sexual needs are met, and then some. Suddenly, your sexual needs change so that they're more than they've ever been because of the BPDs use of sex. They use it to hook you in and keep you hooked. You fear leaving the BPD and never having sex like that again.

With time, you learn that the sex while frequent and without boundaries, isn't that good where it can't be replaced. After all, these people do have few boundaries, but they're human. I've written this before, but there are sections in bookstores that are devoted to sex, and you can't tell me that only BPDs and their partners are reading these books and having good sex. There are adult stores, and I don't think that only BPDs and their partners (which would be 4 percent of the population) are patronizing these stores.

I've also realized that the constant battle, then make love, is also quite dysfunctional. There needs to be time to heal the wound and reconnect in a healthy way. You cannot have such extremes in a relationship.

I now believe that the sex with a healthy person can (and will;-) be so much better than sex with a BPD. While there will be healthy, flexible boundaries, I've always believed that two loving, caring partners will connect and go to a higher emotional and spiritual level. This level cannot be attained with a BPD, or if you can attain it with a BPD, it's only temporary. Healthy relationships maintain this level and actually build on this level, going to new levels as the relationship develops.

It takes time. Healthy partners, however, will appreciate this level and want to reconnect regularly so they can get back to this level.

When in a dysfunctional relationship, the sex may have been good, possibly better than any other relationship. Having good sex is a prerequisite to any good relationship. You cannot accept mediocrity, even in the sexual area.

My emotional well-being is on an even keel again. Nice to feel like I'm driving my own ship, I'm in charge, and things are back to stable. Life is good.

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