Paranoid

One of the biggest issues with the BPD was the paranoia. She thought that her previous lovers would do things to 'screw with her,' and she thought that I was doing things to screw with her. Examples include:

- I would call her around 3:00 every day to say hello, tell her I loved her and plan out the evening. Sounds fair, especially because we would either have lunch together or talk all lunch time. The BPD thought that this was some way of screwing with her, because she would have to pick her daughter up off the bus at 3:20. She forgot that I was working and earning a living, and that her needs should have been secondary. But somehow I was screwing with her.

- To expand a little more on this issue (this was brought up by her in counseling), I'm not sure how anyone in their right mind could think in such a way. When she and I were communicating in Early March, I sent her a text message at 3:12, and got a response 'you are f'd up.' First, I had forgotten about the rules she had imposed on me when we were in the relationship (it was six months before that), and second, I always thought those rules were RIDICULOUS

- When I took her mountain biking, she thought I did it to torture her in some way. We rode tough trails and she did quite well. That type of pushing, however, she thought was torturous. Early when we rode, she had some hard falls which I was blamed for. I assessed her skill level and felt she could ride the trails, which she could.

- She thought that I broke things in her house just so I would be valuable around the house

- She thought that I broke her sump pump when her basement flooded, despite the fact that I spent hours and hours cleaning up after the basement had flooded, then, spent hours fixing the basement and installing new moulding. This one really bothers me and makes no sense. It's an example of all of the work that I did for her and how it was all minimized and made into nothing.

After that one, I'm frankly tired of talking about her paranoia and the other things. It really hurt that I did so much for that woman and the relationship, and it was all thrown away, minimized, and I was still made to feel bad. The New Rules of the Me Project would never stand for being treated as such, and this is why.

For those with Borderline Personality Disorder that read this blog, I URGE you to think about the Nons in your life and how they sacrifice for you. All that we ever wanted was a little appreciation.

In October, I moved out of living with the BPD. I thought that this would make her finally believe and understand the relationship. One week later, we laid in my new bed, and she said to me, "I feel so bad for being so hard on you." Tears are in my eyes as I write this. I thought that she finally got it, and my heart went right back to her.

Unfortunately, the paranoia continued, and we lasted two more short months. My point is that we nons try so hard to keep the relationship stable, often at our expense.

I know that I never could have had the life that I do with the BPD in my life, but I was willing to sacrifice for her. There were other parts of the relationship that were so good, so pure, so beautiful, that I would have sacrificed it all for her.

She never understood that though. Her paranoia, twisted sense of reality and poor self-image simply would not let her see my beautiful soul and how it poured out to her.

Everything happens for a reason. Everything.