Thursday, April 10, 2008


I started seeing the counselor one year ago. Strangely, when I first went to counseling while being in the relationship with the BPD, it was to work with her on the issues that I saw from the beginning. Of course, we got there and the problems were all mine.

We first saw the counselor because she thought that I had Dissociative Identity Disorder -- multiple personalities! She said that I would morph into different "people" -- when we were laying together and I would talk, I would go into a person that was like my father. When playing games and doing something competitive, I would become someone who was ultra-focused and competitive. When dancing, I became a confident, top-of-world kind of guy that was someone else. There were many other personalities that she said that I had. Scared little boy, guy who would go around and bang women and the like.

I realized that she was playing a sick psychological game and wanted it fixed. If she said that I was dissociating, fine. Let's get me analyzed and see what the deal is.

Of course, I wasn't dissociating. I don't have multiple personalities. Just like I'm not an abuser.

The BPD and I first saw Valerie together -- she is an EMDR specialist and Karen felt that it would be good for me to go and have EMDR. She always thought that I had these terrible repressed memories that I couldn't remember from my childhood, and she thought that EMDR would help me.

I said fine. Looking back again, this wasn't me. It was her. But I played along, believing that a professional would sniff out the true situation and would help the BPD. I didn't understand that BPDs are masters at working with counselors so much that counselors usually dismiss them because the BPD will take the counselor around in circles and not address their issues.

In fact, the BPD told me that she went to another counselor who eventually told her that it was time to go. Clearly, she had issues when I met her, yet this counselor dismissed her? She must have also known that my ex had BPD.

One more thing -- I would never EVER "play along." I have neither the time nor the tolerance to play along and not be true to my convictions, and I wouldn't recommend that anyone else ever have this either. Being a "nice guy" gets you nowhere, as I've learned. I'm now a "good guy" but I'll never be a nice guy again...

When I started seeing the counselor by myself, we covered quite a few things. My childhood was focused on, and we did Imago mapping to see what childhood issues I had. We talked about my fear of being alone, particularly when Karen kicked me out the second time . In the sessions, we got to points where I wasn't needing counseling, and I wouldn't see her for a month or so, then we'd go back in. We'd always discuss the BPD a little bit, but then the focus would go back to me.

My exBPD also saw her, as she played the victim of this abuser (me:)) who lived with her and she couldn't get away from. Then I moved out. So she changed that to "I kicked you out." I reminded her multiple times that she told me "I don't want you to go" and I appreciated saying that, but my safety and the safety of my children was at stake. The BPD was devastated, as she told me.

When we were living apart, I started going to counseling regularly, usually because Karen had just broken up with me AGAIN. After we broke up for good, I started going even more regularly -- I wanted to make sure that I healed properly and made myself whole.

I'm not sure what happened, but I finally feel whole as of last night. The holes are gone.

It's all about awareness. I'm aware of the issues that I've had, I've lived through and I've processed all of them. They no longer subconsciously drive me. I no longer need to rescue, caregive and the like. In fact, when I meet someone that needs rescuing, I walk away.

I'm now drawn to people that don't need no stinking rescuing.

Awareness. I'm aware of the issues. I don't have to rescue and put my time into another in an attempt to deflect my inner pain. I have no inner pain. I'm content.

I'm content. What a feeling.

One year of counseling. I wanted to make sure I got here, and I've arrived. The childhood issues are put away. I emerge confident, sure of myself and the person that I always wanted to be.

I'm the man I always wanted to be. God, tears are in my eyes as I write this. I can't believe I can feel like this.

Looking at what happened in the past few years, my life was in turmoil long before the BPD. She was, as the counselor put it, "The Perfect Storm" that brought everything to a climax.

First, I was miserable in my marriage. Absolutely miserable. My ex wife wasn't the person that I should be with, but I persisted. Once I got out of the marriage, I was unsure what I should do. I met women that filled my time, but I had little tolerance for any bullshit. The first relationship that I was in after I separated, I wanted out after 2 weeks. The girl had issues and I had no time for that. I finally got out after about 7 months. There I was, being a nice guy again.

I had a couple of other relationships before I met the BPD, but they clearly weren't going to be the end-all either. I was going through the divorce and not emotionally ready for it. Then I met her.

Second, my career was all over the place. I had veered off of the writing path and had gone into Project Management, probably because that's what my father did. While I liked parts of project management, particularly working with others to make things happen, I didn't love it. It suited me okay, but I'm the kind of person that can do most everything.

I was offered the job heading the fishing company, but the company wasn't going anywhere and I was dealing with HUGE issues with the girlfriend. She drank too much, was too emotionally needy and too controlling (uh oh, sounds like a pattern here), and I wanted out. The Fisherman offered me the job in Delaware, and I jumped at it.

Delaware was such a wonderful experience for me. I proved to myself that I could be on my own and thrive, not survive, but thrive. I love that place and I cherish the memories that I have from there. Managing Editor of a fishing magazine, fishing regularly, going out when I wanted, learning to play guitar, speaking at fishing meetings and conventions...what else would a guy want?

The only problem is that my kids were 3 hours away from me. In the end, I couldn't live so far away from them. It was too hard for both of us. We're too close and I never wanted to be that kind of father. So I had to come back, and I began looking to get a job up north and find a girlfriend up north.

Then I met her. We started dating and the sparks were there, I filled her emotional holes, and she gave me what she thought I need. Things were wonderful. When I was planning to move, she asked me to move in when I moved north, 3 short months after our first date. I thought that it would work because I'd be over her place all the time anyway, so I said yes.

The first position I had when I was up here was okay. It was a Marketing Manager position, a job where I did quite a bit of writing and developed web marketing programs as well. I probably spent half my day dealing with Karen and her issues then recovering emotionally from dealing with her issues, and my work was mediocre. After one year, it was time to go, and I found a company where I could be a web marketing manager.

This is where the Perfect Storm kicked in. I was essentially learning new skills in web marketing, not devoting enough time to it, having a girlfriend that was so far up my ass that she took me to lunch every day, and then getting my kids on 2 nights a week and weekends. I was completely controlled by her fears, and I complied and tried to make them better. The job suffered, and I feel bad about that. That will never happen again. I feel bad about that.

I was a superstar when I was a web marketing manager at this company. They discovered that in addition to my web marketing and management skills, I was a great writer. They loved me and I loved the job and the people that I worked with. Unfortunately, the company was acquired and times were changing quickly. My boss left after I was there for 4 months, and most management had been fired or was on their way out. My co-workers ALL left as well. So I had to go after 6 months.

I actually was hired by an ex-patriot of that company who brought me into a Product Management position. At first, I had too much responsibility, and given everything with the BPD, I just couldn't do it. In time, they scaled back my responsibilities to heading the content development team.

I've realized that my passion remains in writing and that I express myself through this writing (think so? Look at how many posts I've written about this). I finally have realized that my passion falls in writing. I've always done it as Editor and all the fishing columns that I've held through the years, but I finally realized that this is my passion. This is what I will do in the future until my passions change. But this is my passion.

It's nice to feel like this finally. Do something that you love, become the person that you always wanted to be, be the father that you always wanted to be.

This is why I'm done with counseling. I've done the work, and I completed it. As a result, I can make the above statements. I do something that I'm passionate about, I've become the person that I've always wanted to be, and I'm the father that I always wanted to be. I'm content.

The only thing that is missing is being the husband that I always wanted to be. I've realized that this will happen in time, and I'm no longer rushing to find it. The law of attraction is in my favor, and as long as I continue to emanate my positive, uplifting energy, it will come back to me, tenfold.

So, I can now say, I'm content.

What a good feeling.

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