Thursday, May 1, 2008

Control & Boundaries

One of the biggest aspects of a relationship with a BPD is control. I never realized this until I was out of the relationship, but BPDs have to control every aspect of the Non's being, or they go absolutely insane.
- When we broke up, she would get angry with what I did or how I acted
- I was not allowed to join a gym when I moved out because the time I went to the gym was conducive to single people. Yet she could go to the gym every day
- I could not go out with my friends, even to play whiffle ball, because she thought I'd be meeting a woman. Yet I encouraged her to have a girls' weekend and watched all the kids when she went out with friends
- I worked every day, and for a good part of the time we were together, she would pick me up and have lunch with me. So I had NO free time. Yet, every day, she had all the free time that she wanted because she did not work. With all of her accusations and assumptions, she could have had torrid affairs with people and I never would have known about it (I trusted, so it didn't matter -- only now that I'm out of the relationship am I starting to question all of her motives, projection and the like).
- She would make up excuses to kick me out -- twice. Looking back, I should have never taken it. All my things were at that house, and I'd be left with a bag on the porch and have to go and stay with my parents. What a pathetic way to live.

The control becomes quite hypocritical, as you can see. It's sad, because the relationship becomes so unbalanced. I complained about the unbalanced nature of the relationship, but it fell on deaf ears.

Boundaries Are CRITICAL

One of the times when the BPD kicked me out of the house, I went and stayed with my parents and went to a counselor that we both had seen. The counselor informed me that she was borderline. I wasn't ready to leave the relationship (didn't understand at that point), and I asked the counselor if I stay in the relationship,what should I do.

Her response was to establish boundaries with the borderline. This is the best thing for BPDs as they live without boundaries. I used to tell the BPD that she had to get a job because it would give her structure and boundaries that she needed so desperately. Of course, she never got a job.

Unfortunately, my exBPD girlfriend could not respect any boundaries. That's one of the problems with BPDs, but you need to give boundaries to them. It's critical.

Examples of good boundaries with borderlines include:
- Not letting borderlines running every part of your life. Borderlines, if you let them, will not let you have any personal time. They will invade on any time that they can, including your time at work (she called me regularly at work and accused me of things, including sleeping with coworkers, etc) and time with others. It threatens them, and in the case of my exBPD, often triggered her fight or flight response.
- Establishing clear consequences for their actions, and following through. Borderlines will test, like children test, every part of the relationship and what you will and will not tolerate. The BPD in my life knew that I would not tolerate cheating. If she did cheat (which I think that she did in the beginning of the relationship), she hid it very well from me.
- Not accepting Borderlines' projections. Many borderlines project their fears and anxieties onto you and make them reality. There were times when I would address and accept these as reality, to my demise. If a borderline projects their fear onto you, tell them that you do not accept that. Do NOT accept non-truths as it erodes your self-confidence and self-esteem

Try to remain strong and not take things personally. I did, and she hurt me badly as a result of it. I've grown enormously since then, but being in the relationship was quite painful at times.

3 comments:

  1. Evil brother of the CurseDecember 20, 2011 at 6:51 PM

    "Yet I encouraged her to have a girls' weekend and watched all the kids when she went out with friends."

    BPD cuckold.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Evil brother of the CurseDecember 20, 2011 at 6:55 PM

    "With all of her accusations and assumptions, she could have had torrid affairs with people and I never would have known about it."

    Duh?!

    BPD ditto

    ReplyDelete
  3. Evil brother of the CurseDecember 20, 2011 at 7:02 PM

    What makes you think she cheated ONLY at the beginning of the relationship?

    She just upped her covering and lying skills.

    100% garanteed.

    ReplyDelete

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