Tuesday, May 6, 2008

The Pain Still Comes, Then Goes

The pain doesn't just go away, no matter how many times I say goodbye to Oz. It stinks, but it's true. You can't, I can't, just walk away from the pain. I committed to fully healing myself from this relationship, and I'm doing just that.

Unfortunately, I'm very impatient.

I want to get on with life. I want to move on. I've done the work, read the books and gone through all of the exercises to heal me. Unfortunately, it does take time. I'm much better than I was in February or March, but I'm still healing.

What's been hurting the most is that I'm now reprocessing all of the events that took place. I now believe that I was played in many instances, and I took it, I was abused and I let it happen.

I believed. I can't believe that one person would manipulate and take such advantage of another person. The worst thing is that if, when she was doing things like break up with me, kick me out or the like, if I did something that she didn't like, I was punished even more by her.

I don't want to go into specifics, but this woman really did mean things. They were manipulative, controlling things, and she knew what she was doing. What a monster.

The worst thing is that she told me every day that I was bad and doing bad things to her, again in an effort to control and manipulate me. The best defense is a good offense, and this woman just unleashed on me. She unleashed whatever she needed to get what she wanted.

My God, how could someone do this to someone that they said that they loved?

The amount of pain that I felt because of her childish needs, wants, insecurities and desires was enormous. I don't know if I'll ever forgive her for some of the things that she did. The worst thing is that she tried to blame me in the end.

Change is hard. I'm obviously making good, constructive changes in myself, but I'm still hurt that someone would tell me every day that I'm a bad person. I tell no one, let alone the person that I love, that they're a bad person. My kids would never hear those words out of my mouth.

1 comment:

  1. I have the same problem, I am just 8 weeks out and I still cannot believe that someone could do what she did to me. I feel very hurt still, but I have finally accepted that she never loved me. I had to use an old phone as my new one died, and unfortunately the texts from her were still there. All the ones where I was her "yang", she was "addicted to me and was counting down the hours until we could be together". It would be just 4 weeks until the content of those SMS changed into the most horrifying assault on my persona that I have ever seen. At least the dreams have stopped, I think dreaming about our fights or arguments or whatever the hell we talked about (I could never grasp what I had done wrong, or what she was screaming about) was a futile attempt by my brain to try and work out what had just happened.

    Thanks to your website I know I'm not alone, that's something I needed to know!

    It cuts alright, down to the bone!


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