Sooooo, let me go through the DSM Criteria for BPD and see if she fit into it or not. I took this excerpt from www.recovery-man.com (the authors comments are in parens -- my comments on whether she fits this are in [brackets])
- DSM Definition of BPD (My notes are bracketed by parenthesis.)
A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects (mood swings), and marked Impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:
1.Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in (5). (Desperation / rage if they think they are being abandoned, intense feelings of sadness, loss and fear when their partner is away, a need to have access to the partner at all times, inability to allow their partner their own life and friends, a belief that healthy independence in their partner is a threat to them.)- [When we first started dating and I lived in Delaware, when I would leave and go to Delaware, 2 hours after I had left, she would call and begin accusing me of things. I used to talk her out of it and she would be okay. I called it separation anxiety and thought it was cute, but clearly this was the case.
- *Also, at work, she always had to have access to me. I did not once, I mean once, not take her call. When I was traveling in Europe, 3 days away cost me $1100 in cell phone bills]
- So, the verdict??? YES
2.A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. (The partner of the person with BPD, friends, coworkers or the person with BPD themself is seen as wonderful or perfect, or as evil and rotten. People and things are seen as rigidly black and white by people with BPD - there is no normal middle ground.) People with BPD are highly intolerant of / unable to deal with the gray areas in life. This is called "splitting."
- 3.Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self. (Confusion about goals, career, life choices, sexuality or sexual orientation. Persistent questions and discomfort with their perceived role in life. Pervasive issues related to "who am I" and "what is my role in the world". Many people with BPD change careers frequently or enter careers that give them a clearly defined framework and sense of identity, like large corporations or the military. Others fall prey to cults or fundamentalist religions that control all aspects of their life. Fundamentalism can be comforting for people with BPD since the "black and white" nature of these religions give them a framework that fits their world view.) See *Author's Note
- [Well, she's okay with this one. Had a lot of jobs before working at a big corporation, then left to parent. Now, she's into writing -- I always told her that she needed a job to give her structure because without it she was driving herself crazy and making me the object of all of it, so I could argue for Yes with this one, but I won't -- yet}
4.Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging
e.g., uncontrolled spending, reckless driving, substance abuse, dangerous sexual acts or unsafe sex, binge eating, thrill seeking or risk taking behaviors. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in (5).5.Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior. This can be manifested as overt suicide attempts, drug or alcohol abuse, unsafe sexual behavior, or as a pattern of "living dangerously"; this also includes cutting, burning, piercing, and sexual self mutilation.
[She said she wanted to kill herself two different times, when she was taking stop smoking medication. I think that's why she said it. This wasn't a problem with her too much. ]
-
6.Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days. (People with BPD are intensely moody and volatile emotionally - mood swings and huge shifts occur seemingly "out of nowhere". This is why people with BPD are often misdiagnosed as having Bipolar disorder, and therefore improperly medicated.)
[It's like you could snap your fingers and she would go from the sweetest woman you'd ever met to someone that was so nasty. She would think that you were taking advantage of her and would be so mean and nasty. Mood swings are an understatement]
Verdict??? YES
7.Chronic feelings of emptiness. (Generally manifested as sadness, loneliness, isolation, aimlessness, feeling empty without a project or relationship to distract them. People with BPD's low self esteem is often masked by public displays of ego, feelings of superiority or an intense need to control themselves, other people, places and events.)
[She said that when she's not in a relationship, she feels so lonely. I won't give her this one, because I can't read her mind and she wouldn't admit this to me]
Verdict??? NO
8.Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger
e.g., frequent displays of temper, uncontrolled anger, violent rages, recurrent physical fights, threats, sexualized expression of anger through violent or abusive sex.[She said to me before she left the last time I saw her, "If you have anyone here, I'll make you regret it. She overreacted to a number of things. She hit me a number of times, then said "that's because you deserved it...wtf???"]
Verdict??? YES
9.Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.
(BPD may manifest as a belief that those who love them wish to hurt, control or destroy them. This is especially common in times of stress. Ongoing belief that they are being followed, threatened, observed or are always at risk. BPD's see the world as a dangerous and frightening place and remain constantly on guard, even in safe environments and with safe people.)- [This one is big for her. She thought that I was 'doing things to get a rise out of her,' she would change history to fit her fancy (I once said 'if I moved to Morristown, you'd freak;' her mind changed that to 'if I moved to Far Hills, you'd freak' (I did look for a place in Far Hills, so this could prove that I was screwing with her).
The verdict??? YES!
Verdict? NO
Verdict??? YES
Verdict??? YES
So, she has met 6 out of 9 of the characteristics of BPD -- I've shown through her behaviors how she has the disorder.
The only reason I put this here is because my belief has been challenged; I wanted to show it beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Unfortunately, she's too far gone to get treatment, although the illness is treatable:
Borderline Personality Disorder is treatable with conventional therapy, geared toward impulse control, anger management and behavior modification, and also responds well to proper medication. (The misdiagnoses of BPD as Bipolar Disorder is very common - and generally leads to improper medication.)
Sadly - the overwhelming internal chaos, fear and shame often result in People with BPD refusing treatment. Treatment for BPD is a long term process, but can lead to a much better quality of life for the Person with BPD and their partners and families.
One more thing about her -- she's a great "mask": Also from www.recovery-man.com:
People with BPD often "mask" well - meaning that they present a "I have it all together" face to the world, at work and to their therapists. People with BPD are often very charming, funny and engaging when they are not suicidal or raging. They work hard at covering their tracks; generally only those who are very close to them are aware of the emotional roller coaster going on inside. People with BPD frequently project their issues onto others. ("I don't have a problem - YOU have a problem.") As a result, people with BPD often live lives of misery, remaining undiagnosed or misdiagnosed. (and therefore improperly treated.) Borderline personality disorder is very painful for both the person with BP and the people in their life.
I feel for her girls -- wish I could do something for them
Let's assess mine now...
ReplyDelete1.Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in (5). (Desperation / rage if they think they are being abandoned, intense feelings of sadness, loss and fear when their partner is away, a need to have access to the partner at all times, inability to allow their partner their own life and friends, a belief that healthy independence in their partner is a threat to them.)
[No matter I told her to trust me, she would say that I would cheat on her and leave her.]
the verdict is YES
2.A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. (The partner of the person with BPD, friends, coworkers or the person with BPD themself is seen as wonderful or perfect, or as evil and rotten. People and things are seen as rigidly black and white by people with BPD - there is no normal middle ground.) People with BPD are highly intolerant of / unable to deal with the gray areas in life. This is called "splitting."
[She has black and white perception of the world, people are either nice or evil, competent or incompetent, generous or stingy, there is no gray area. She asked me if I am a winner in national kickboxing championship, I said no, I am only in collegiate level, she said, then you are not martial artist.
She asked me if I can develop software for mobile application, I said no I am specialized in automation and robotics system, she said you are an incompetent software engineer].
The verdict is YES!
3.Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self. (Confusion about goals, career, life choices, sexuality or sexual orientation. Persistent questions and discomfort with their perceived role in life. Pervasive issues related to "who am I" and "what is my role in the world". Many people with BPD change careers frequently or enter careers that give them a clearly defined framework and sense of identity, like large corporations or the military. Others fall prey to cults or fundamentalist religions that control all aspects of their life. Fundamentalism can be comforting for people with BPD since the "black and white" nature of these religions give them a framework that fits their world view.) See *Author's Note
[She always change her goals and objective, sometimes she wants to be doctor, other time scientist, other time writer. She changed jobs a lot. Never have a stable career and not interested in one. Fortunately she is intelligent enough to do all that although she is confused about who she really are}
Verdict? YES
4.Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging
ReplyDeletee.g., uncontrolled spending, reckless driving, substance abuse, dangerous sexual acts or unsafe sex, binge eating, thrill seeking or risk taking behaviors. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in (5).
[She never wear condom on our first date (she barely knows me), she had sex with stranger without condom, she said when she is not in relationship, she would just have sex with her friends or stranger without condom, no boundaries]
Verdict YES
5.Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior. This can be manifested as overt suicide attempts, drug or alcohol abuse, unsafe sexual behavior, or as a pattern of "living dangerously"; this also includes cutting, burning, piercing, and sexual self mutilation.
[She is a masochist, she would let her partner tie and hurt her in bed]
Verdict??? Yes
6.Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days. (People with BPD are intensely moody and volatile emotionally - mood swings and huge shifts occur seemingly "out of nowhere". This is why people with BPD are often misdiagnosed as having Bipolar disorder, and therefore improperly medicated.)
[Mood swings, impulsive, chronic anxiety, obsessive compulsive]
Verdict??? YES
7.Chronic feelings of emptiness. (Generally manifested as sadness, loneliness, isolation, aimlessness, feeling empty without a project or relationship to distract them. People with BPD's low self esteem is often masked by public displays of ego, feelings of superiority or an intense need to control themselves, other people, places and events.)
[She is easily feel sad and empty. She said she need to be always be in relationship but she said she never love or be loved, she just need someone that’s all]
Verdict??? YES
8.Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger
e.g., frequent displays of temper, uncontrolled anger, violent rages, recurrent physical fights, threats, sexualized expression of anger through violent or abusive sex.
[A little thing or dissapointment can make her angry, the train late for 10 minutes will make her bad mood all day. She fought with her colleagues a lot. She seems to be in constant bitterness and anger and sometimes explode but usually after explosion she will shortly turned into angel within seconds]
Verdict??? YES
9.Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.
(BPD may manifest as a belief that those who love them wish to hurt, control or destroy them. This is especially common in times of stress. Ongoing belief that they are being followed, threatened, observed or are always at risk. BPD's see the world as a dangerous and frightening place and remain constantly on guard, even in safe environments and with safe people.)
[She believes that all men basically will never love her, all men are unfaithful and will leave her]
Verdict??? YES
What can I say she has met 9 out of 9 of the characteristics of BPD. Wow…amazing….not to mention dark childhood…. But nobody notice that because she looks really normal, kind, generous and charming to other people. Only if you are close to her you will see the true color.
Michael
I forget to mention reckless spending. She doesn't have much saving , never make an investment. She likes to shop and spend a lot of money on unimportant thing.
ReplyDeleteBut I guess this is the characteristic of every women in this planet so I am not sure...
#1
ReplyDeleteOK, I will have a go with mine:
1. 1.Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
Yes - In several ways. When away, she called/messaged me constantly, seeking reassurance I was still there for her and rarely is out of touch for more than a few hours at a time, often finding little errands for me or answers to questions etc. Often talked about how she deliberately left a load of former friends/family behind but has now got back in touch of them via Facebook or in person and wants to bring some of them through for nights out etc.
Makes a great deal about she must demonstrate how well she is doing to them.
Seeks to be the centre of attention in whatever she does. With her looks, charm, sociability and other skills, that is seldom any problem.
2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation:
Yes - Her two major past relationships were very much like this. First was chaotic and constantly changing, sometimes hated him but swung back to loving him again umpeen times over several years. Second was a long term affair with a controlling partner who kept her at arms length and limited his contact strictly (mainly just visiting her for sex). Both were highly narcisstic gents, one more by accident whilst the other was very much by design. Our first go at a relationship was hampered by us living miles apart, so our contact was limited to weekends/holidays. I am now thinking this was maybe an advantage? Other relationships have been brief, impulsive and very unstable.
Talks about having yearned all her life for - "a perfect pure love"
With her colleagues, her last boss was initially viewed as a great lady who found her at her lowest ebb, gaver her a chance and set her back on her feet in a good job but recently, she became a harsh, unforgiving and hated taskmaster. Similarly, many colleagues have gone from being her "new family" to bitter indifference, sometimes overnight or even in the space of a few words.
As far as her family goes, she was virtually estranged from her parents for many years but is now back in touch and close with them, particularly her mother. Semi-estranged from her sister, despite the sister taking great steps to help her when she moved to this town. I think they have spoken once in the last year, briefly, although she occasionally talks about getting in more regular contact with her, the sister rarely returns messages.
Her perception of other "friends" can go from the nicest people you could probably meet, to complete indifference (and back) in a very short space of time. Same in her relationship with me.
Can be inappropriately over friendly/flirty with strangers - which has led to a few awkward moments when out. "Oh, I don't know what I'm like when I'm having a good time. I really don't mean it" is her usual justification. Boundaries?
In the past, she has often had one very close male friend at a time who seems to have been in a position of being relied-on to provide much of her day to day relationship needs, except sex. This has usually ended badly, except in the case of her last "special" pal, who was gay (he took himself away a bit after I came on the scene but remains in touch occasionally). I may have been in this position first time round but it did go further. In the bad times this time round, she has still expressed a desire that I remain at least that "friend" to her. Won't let go?
#2
ReplyDelete3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self:
Yes - Often talks about how she planned to be something in this world and sometimes how much her current situation diverges (or sometimes agrees) with these plans.
Has numerous daydreams, ambitions and goals for her future but does not demonstrate the application to go about reaching them.
Often talks about how things might have been different if she had stayed with this job/place/person etc.
Constantly talks of/tries to reinvent her image to project a different version of herself to different groups of people.
Has been through many job and several occupation changes. First by doing every job, for every employer and rising to a reasonably senior position in a particularly tough industry in her home town, before giving it all up for a financial training, which she stopped just short of a major professional qualification that would have ensured a good living anywhere. Since moving here, she began managerial training in her current line, before downgrading and taking a senior operative position instead, citing better hourly rates and family reasons. However, her satisfaction with this job has waned since the new year and she has just quit. Her latest ambition is to set up a small home-based company and work from there.
She has wrestled with issues of bisexuality, although all her past relationships have been hetro. As long as I've known her apparently but this was not mentioned at all first time round. Since we got together again, she has gone from struggling denial about two same-sex one nighers in our five years apart, to full acceptance of her sexuality and back again. Some of what she says makes me think of "perfect pure love" she sought - mentioned in in #2
Religion. She has gone from a very traditional church in her youth, to occasionally attending a very full-on fundamentalist Pentacostal church.
4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging:
Yes - Spending. Will go from being very prudent, to totally profligate very quickly. Not so much for herself but absolutely indulges her son in every gadget or fad he expresses a desire for. Partly to make up for his lack of friends here I think but even before, she would throw lavish parties etc for him when he was younger. She currently has no personal debt but is under threat of prosecution for unpaid rent.
Drinking - Was on the edge of alcoholism before coming here, sought help with success but is still inclined to go on regular multi-day benders. Although she won't drink at all between them. Has been banned from bars for getting drunk and into fights etc. Not a drug taker, ever.
Very sexually impulsive and often aggressive, even violent in bed. Has had a number of pregnancy/STI scares in the past.
Loves risky/adrenaline-boosting activities and performing. She used to be a competitive athlete who showed real promise. If it gives you a rush, she will try it and probably love it.
Very heavy smoker, although can stop for long periods without problems when she has no money. Has suffered a lung problem, possibly linked to smoking and recovery is certanly not helped by her continuing to smoke.
#3
ReplyDelete5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior:
No.
6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood:
Yes - Regular extreme mood swings that can go from being quite normal, to extreme elation, then total paralysed withdrawl. These can last from a few hours, to several days and she will bring her whole life to a stop whilst having them. Often barely getting out of bed (except to work) for anything up to five days at a time.
Relationship-wise, we seem to be on an approximate three month cycle between major bust-ups, After which it all goes back to building from square one again. Between these, less major arguments and moments of dissociation are frequent.
7. Chronic feelings of emptiness:
Yes - Often speaks of just how empty, sad, lonely and isolated certain aspects of her life are and how she fears they will never sort out or how I have helped her overcome them. Although in the past, she was better at self-motivating herself into some kind of activity. Today, she will lie there just watching TV and smoking for hours on end.
#4
ReplyDelete8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger :
Yes - When she gets angry, she gets really angry. Verbally anyway, not physically violent. In previous relationships and disputes, this has included massive long-running rows/disputes and seeking revenge in various creative ways.
I have experienced outbursts of jealousy and had to reassure her after just talking briefly to another woman in a pub, working with an attractive colleague or wanting to go to do something by myself. Being late/held-up is a bad idea and despite her getting-on well with my own circle of friends, she has done her best to explore what might have been been what between some of us in the past and I have kept her more distant and them up to speed on my concerns as things have worsened between us.
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms:
Yes - Has talked of being followed as she leaves work and stalked by her last ex (I doubt it!), chased one guy out of her circle by claiming he was harrassing her and how aspects of her relationship with friends/family conspired to control/hold her back before she moved here. Is occasionally big on conspiracy stories and is quick to lay on the threats if she is not getting her way. She is full of tales of the extreme dangers and hardships in some of her past jobs.
Very wary of venturing out of her comfort zone and although she loves to go to new places, she will always take the least adventurous option, or remain in the safest most controlled environment till she finds a group of people to "explore" with. Soaks-up all the fear/scare stories of wherever she goes.
I am trying to find out if the woman I met is a BPD and basically .. if I am the one with the problem or she is. In short: I met her 3 weeks ago, it was sexual straight away, we met two times. Talked for hours and it felt special and intimate, she told me she was in love, and I was too. A few days after that she called me to 'end it' when i asked her why, she said it was because we had too many arguments (but we only had 1 minor misunderstanding) and because she was afraid of not being able to resist me if she would see me again (flattering .. but)I was so shocked that I tried to convice her she was safe with me and that my feelings were genuine, all she did was say, no but that she might want to see me in 6 months (!) I was devastated for a week, then she called me up again and sounded lofty and sweet as an angel, we talked for 4 hours and just when I felt like we were on the same page, she said, no, I don't want to meet you again. Even though I did not ask her for ameeting, it felt crushing to be rejected 20 times in 2 weeks. I told her I loved talking with her but that it would not be a good idea to continue that, hence broke the contact off. Reading Shari's gettingbetter website I was convinced she is a BPD but seeing this DSM makes me second guess myself. She does not seem to fit most criteria, or she has been lying about everything. She does not shout, or make threats, is not clingy, does not try to isolate me, told me the sex was too soon for her, is not rebounding(she told me she had been alone for 4 years prior to me)does not appear controlling, actually rather elusive and disattached. So it is more quiet and subtle, she makes me feel like the man of the year and then turns to 'drop the bomb' She does not want to see me again.. 2 times now in 2 weeks, I am afraid to pick up the phone if she calls again, and fall for her all over again, only to end up with a 'phone' friendship, with a person that will shut me out and is afraid to meet me. I feel deep shame sharing this, I feel like I have been with a BPD but have I ?? Comments appriciated
ReplyDelete