Step Forward, Step Back

God my mind won't stop moving with this entire thing. I still miss her. I miss the things that we did together. I miss the world that I built. I miss all those things.

Here are some of the things that I've realized:
- My world isn't bad now. In fact, it's pretty good. I've built a pretty good world around me.
- I will meet someone that replaces her and meets my needs (I think..:))
- If I don't meet someone that replaces her and meets my needs, I'll be okay
- This healing thing is a process

I met an old lover of hers this past weekend and we compared notes. Just as I thought -- she made him into some monster that he isn't. She told me that he used to lie all of the time, he was a narcissist, etc. The stories he told were just terrible -- the things that she did, and the things that he let her get away with. No frigging good.

God she was a frigging maniac, now that I think about it. I loved a maniac. I loved a sick person who used her body to fulfill some sick inner needs. God, the things that she told me were so twisted by her. Amazing.

The worst thing is that when you're with someone, they abuse you. It's a gradual process that they put you through. They invade boundaries and put the responsibility on you.

One of the very early boundary invasions was when she questioned me: "Who filed for divorce -- your or your wife?"

Why does this matter? Because she needed to know if I was kicked out of the marriage and that I'm a bum, or if I left on my own.

I told her that I left my now ex wife. I didn't tell her that she had filed for divorce, however, because of a number of reasons. We tried to put the marriage back together, but it wasn't going to work.

She actually had looked up the court records and found that my ex had filed for divorce. Who scrutinizes another at such a level? Who has the time to do such a thing?

I took it, apologized for not telling her upfront, then she gave me some speech about being honest with her.

This is abuse, I now know, and it's one of the tricks of the abuser. They make you feel like you've done something wrong when, in fact, they were the one that violated the boundary. A counselor indicated that the relationship would become abusive. They told me that after 6 months. From the beginning, it was abusive. I didn't know it.

The abuse was rampant throughout the relationship. She regularly violated personal and professional boundaries because of her misery and trying to put as much as she could on me. I took it. Ironically, after the counselor told me that the relationship would be abusive, she suddenly began calling me abusive. That's funny, every time she learned something new (most times things that I taught her), I became that:
- I was a sex addict after she watched an Oprah show on sex addicts
- I taught her about the term "projection" and I was suddenly projecting my guilt onto her
- I taught her about the term "passive aggressive" and I was suddenly doing things to her in a passive aggressive manner
- She read a book on narcissists. I was suddenly a narcissist, and so was her last boyfriend

God it just never stopped. Yet I still miss her and her insanity. The relationship, in my mind, was pure and innocent. Obviously, she felt otherwise.

I think I suffered from my Dulcinea syndrome though.

I just want to be over her. I want to be over her so badly that I'll do whatever it takes to just be done. But it is like an addiction. You do anything to have one more interaction with her.

Enough. Time to move on. Life's too short. Enjoy every moment. Celebrate everything, including your defeats. They all have a greater purpose.

What was the purpose of this one?